


Ripped at the seams

by zation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Begging, Blow Jobs, Bottom Dean, Brutal past for Castiel, Butt Plugs, Cock Rings, Coming In Pants, Coming Untouched, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Needs Love, Dean in Panties, Dom Castiel, Dom/sub Undertones, Domestication, Drama, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, Feelings of Inadequacy, First Time, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Kink Exploration, Lisa is a Bitch, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, Not a quick-fix, Off-screen Rape, Panties, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Coital Cuddling, Prostate Massage, Prostitute Castiel, Prostitution, Protective Dean Winchester, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Refers to when Castiel is whoring, Resolved Sexuality, Rimming, Russian Castiel, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex as a coping method, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Tension, Sexual discoveries, Sexuality Crisis, Stuff happens to Cas that is not okay and might not be for the faint of heart, Supportive Sam, Switching, The Winchester Family, Top Castiel, Torture, Trigger warnings reminding readers of tags in individual chapters, Use of Russian, bad trips, cum kink, gonna be a long one this one..., off-screen violence, physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:12:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 118,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4516191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zation/pseuds/zation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lisa and Dean break up Dean finds himself devastated. Not surprisingly, he doesn’t handle the situation very well and ends up kind of accidentally hiring a prostitute. Only, Castiel isn’t really what Dean had expected and he finds himself coming back again and again. And Castiel in turn finds himself powerless to stop him.</p><p>Or,</p><p>The one where Dean falls in love with a whore and Cas tries desperately to prevent it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is me, Dean Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> And, as per usual, here we have a few notes from the author…
> 
> 1\. There is going to be prostitution and drugs in this fic and I have zero personal experience with any of that. This fic will not be based on facts other than what Google supplies. _Please_ do not expect realism where any of this is concerned. 
> 
> 2\. Most of the names of places that are going to feature in this fic are real (thank you Google Maps!) but basically none of the facts are. Sorry.
> 
> 3\. Picturing endverse!Cas in this but, you know, do whatever you want =D
> 
> 4\. Title is lyrics from _Summer Nights_ ( _Grease_ )
> 
> 5\. Read the tags. If you think I should change/add/delete something, let me know. I’ve tagged for what I have written so far and for what I have planned so it can easily change. Please be patient.
> 
> 6\. I love you, thank you for reading all of my rambling! <3

  
  


Dean gripped the steering wheel of his beloved Impala so hard the leather creaked. Too hard, he might have said on any other day but not today. Dean was so mad he could hardly see straight.

He had left the house he and Lisa rented together in Redwood City in a fit of rage, scared that he might hurt her if he stayed and even more scared that he kind of wanted to hurt her. To make her feel just a little smidge of the pain he felt, even if it would be briefly.

Dean and Lisa had been in a relationship for most of Dean’s adult life and yeah, Sam constantly referred to their relationship as "disastrous" and maybe he had been right all along but Dean loved Lisa so he didn’t care what his little brother thought. No, it didn’t matter that Lisa had cheated on Dean that one time a couple of years back and everyone, _everyone_ , called Dean an idiot for taking her back when she came crying because he loved her. So much.

But this was it. Dean had always believed Lisa was the love of his life but he wasn’t so certain anymore. All long-term relationships were bound to hit a bump or two in the road, everyone agreed on that but this…

So Lisa had cheated that one time but one time was nothing, Dean had told himself even though he would never do anything like that. He had slept on Sam’s couch for a week and then she had come crying and he had forgiven her much faster than she deserved, according to everyone else. And they had patched things up and rented this house and they had been happy. Mostly. Well, _everyone_ had their bumps, right?

And then she had gotten pregnant and Dean had been ecstatic. A little kid, a little mini-Dean and oh boy, Dean had set out to paint the nursery and assemble the crib and not listen one bit to Sam’s nagging.

Was it wise to have a child with Lisa?  
Why wouldn’t it be?

So their relationship wasn’t perfect but they were going to have a child together and they were _happy_ and-and…

And Lisa just told him the child wasn’t his. Screamed it, in fact, in a fit of _what the hell do you know, you’re not even the father_ -rage.

To be fair, he should have kind of seen it coming when Lisa told him that she was over three months pregnant instead of telling him immediately. And they hadn’t exactly been having a lot of sex and Dean couldn’t remember a time they had had it without a condom so sure, he had been confused but she had smiled and told him that if it was a boy they would call him Ben and Dean could take him to baseball games and teach him everything about cars. Dean had swallowed the bait, hook and all, because a family with Lisa sounded like everything he never knew he wanted but totally did now.

Except maybe it wasn’t. Except she had cheated on him _again_ , and had gotten pregnant and had tried to pass the baby off as his and had yelled at him that he was a coward of a man if he walked out on her because of those things alone. He had gone anyway, too afraid of his own reactions to stay.

He shook with anger as he sat behind the wheel in what felt like the only lady that would ever love him and he had to pull over so as not to crash her. He took a deep breath and leaned over the wheel to try and contain his emotions. Rage, sadness, abandonment, self-hate. Yeah, Dean really wasn’t in a good place right now.

And he had stormed out of his home without any clothes or anything, what the hell would he do now? Go to mom and dad? God, Mary would just be all motherly and suffocate him with questions he couldn’t deal with right now. And what would John say? Dean wasn’t so sure what the man thought of Lisa but he knew that the old marine believed strongly that real men didn’t flee their problems, so...

Fuck, Dean needed to collect his thoughts and for once in his fucking existence he actually felt a need to voice some of them. The unfairness, if nothing else, because fuck this was unfair. He had only ever loved Lisa, why wasn’t that enough?

Should he go to the Roadhouse? Get hammered and talk about his woes to Jo? No, Jo already hated Lisa and he wouldn’t get any sympathy there, only tough love. But wasn’t that what he needed? He had always been a fan of tough love and the lessons that could teach. Or… or was it John that favored that kind of love? Mary would always hug him but John…

Dean hiccupped but managed not to continue down a path that would set him crying in his car. He was a grown-ass man for fuck’s sake. Grown men didn’t cry over shit like this. No, he straightened in his seat, he would _not_ cry over Lisa or the baby or the family that could have been. He was leaving her, for good, and he needed to stay somewhere where he could collect his thoughts and there was only one place that would be.

He picked up his phone and wondered if he should call Sammy before heading over. He had a key but there was no telling if Jess was over or if Sam was in one of his study modes. Perhaps… he thumbed the phone indecisively. Perhaps he should go somewhere else for now and head over to Sam’s in the evening? He needed to calm his inner turmoil before he attempted to collect his thoughts anyway. But where should he go for now?

Not his parents, not the Roadhouse, not work because Bobby would kill him for skipping today without any prior notice, not Benny’s because last time Lisa had cheated on Dean Benny had taken her side in the argument and fuck knew why. Dean had never gotten to know who exactly Lisa had slept with and for all Dean knew now in his rage fueled moment his best friend was as likely to be the father of Lisa’s kid as any other man.

Dean didn’t know where to go. He slumped down behind his Baby’s wheel but not even her pleasant rumble could calm him now. He felt like crying but just couldn’t. He sighed.

And then promptly jumped almost an inch into the air when there was a sharp rap on the window on the passenger side. Dean clutched his chest as he turned shocked eyes to meet a pair of strikingly blue ones on the other side of the window. The man outside the car smiled kindly at Dean and tapped the window again. Dean considered just driving away but decided to just go with it and bent over to roll down the window.

The man leaned in when Dean sat back. "Hey there stranger." The man greeted in a deep voice and Dean took a calming breath.

"Hiya." He mumbled and swallowed but didn’t get to continue when the man started talking again.

"Are you alright? You’ve been sitting here for nearly ten minutes."

"Oh." Dean looked around himself and saw that he was parked by the curb on a street he’d never really driven on before. It was downtown, though, he knew as much and was suddenly a little uncomfortable. "Yeah, yeah, I’m fi—" he cut himself off when he met the man’s eyes again.

The man had tilted his head to the side and was considering Dean as if Dean’s words were the most important ones he would ever hear. As if Dean mattered. Dean felt the lump in his throat grow bigger.

"You know what?" he asked quietly and looked down at the dashboard. "I’m not okay."

"No?" the man asked and fuck, he sounded both concerned and as if he would love nothing more than for Dean to continue.

"No." Dean croaked. He looked up when the man tapped the door.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

This… this was not normal, Dean understood that. It was dangerous, even. He never strayed too long downtown because that was where you got mugged, if Mary was to be believed. Not even John was fond of downtown Redwood City.

But Dean decided to fuck it. For one, it was in the middle of the day and the street wasn’t exactly empty. There were several cars going by, plenty of pedestrians, shops open. There was even a bloke watching Dean’s car from the street corner so Dean knew that he wasn’t alone. Plus, the love of his life had just told him she was pregnant with another man’s child, he honestly didn’t really care if he was mugged and shanked today.

He made a noncommittal shrug and the man smiled again before he opened the door and slid in with practiced ease. Dean wondered what he did for a living because no one moved as fluidly as that without actually working with their body. The man looked a little thin, though, and Dean wondered if that too was because of his occupation. If he was a dancer, for instance, then Dean assumed he would have to stay thin and lithe. 

And where the fuck had that thought come from? Dean shook his head slightly as the man pulled the car door closed and smiled again. He had a wide and white smile, inviting and trusting. His eyes were blue as something more blue than what Dean had vocabulary to describe. He had bags under his eyes, though, his dark hair was ruffled and maybe he was a little pale. But still, even if he was tired or whatever he had still taken his time to ask Dean if he was okay and Dean hadn’t known random kindness like that since he was a child.

Dean looked away, embarrassed that he had stared at the man’s open face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" the man asked after a moment in silence and Dean studied his hands.

"You know…" he cleared his throat. "Normally I would say no, but…"

"It’s okay." The man said in such an assuring tone that Dean thought maybe it was. "Do you want to get out of here, maybe?" he asked then and Dean suddenly remembered that he had left Baby’s engine running for over ten minutes. He felt like an ass.

"Y-yeah." He mumbled and turned out into the street.

The man gave a few directions and Dean actually followed them. Without questioning this. What the hell was he doing, though? He was being an idiot, that was what. Picking up random strangers and driving off with them, probably setting himself up to be murdered after all. He was just a heartsick, tired idiot.

The spot the man led him to was quite a bit out of town, up on a hill in West Meadow and near where Dean knew a lookout was. They had a great view of Redwood, maybe not as great as the lookout but good enough and more secluded. It was weird, though. A weird place to take another man to but of course, this whole deal was pretty weird. He killed the ignition all the same.

"Look." Dean said after a moment in silence and only then dared turn to the man. "This is… I…" he looked up to see the man still staring just as trusting at him. Fuck, Dean felt like the shady one. "I should just take you back."

The man put his arm up on the back of the seat, easily resting his hand close to Dean’s shoulder but not touching. "Let me guess." The man smiled warmly. "You’re not one for talking?"

Dean stared dumbfounded at him. "Yeah."

The man shrugged. "That’s okay, you don’t have to say anything." He slid closer and the leather creaked a little. "You just looked really forlorn and I thought I’d help you with that."

"How?" Dean asked and had meant it to sound angry, perhaps. Or maybe at least questioningly, like he didn’t believe the man but God help him, he totally did.

The man smiled. "You look like you either lost a lot of money or your heart." He stated suddenly and Dean swallowed before looking away, clutching Baby’s wheel again.

"Heart." He ground out after a moment but couldn’t for the life of him say why he indulged this strange man. He saw the man nodding.

"Feels a little like dying, yes?"

"Yeah."

The man had slid so close that his hand could easily touch Dean’s left shoulder but still wasn’t. Was just resting against the back. Dean could almost feel the heat the man radiated but despite the warm summer outside and the increasing temperature inside the car he didn’t feel suffocated. He remained where he was.

"Feels like you have nothing to lose now because they…" he raised an eyebrow when Dean met his eyes. It felt as if they were piercing Dean’s soul. Fuck were they blue.

"Lisa." Dean mumbled and the man nodded again.

"Because Lisa took a part of you with her and maybe that was the only real part." He leaned in a little, his other hand coming to rest on Dean’s arm, squeezing slightly. "Like maybe you’ve lost yourself."

Tears did _not_ form in Dean’s eyes. " Y-yeah." He ground out in a too tight voice. He tried swallowing but was relatively unsuccessful. "She… she’s pregnant." He coughed. "With someone else’s child."

The man scrunched up his face in a mask of anger and concern. "Awful."

"She said it was mine."

The man was practically sitting pressed up against Dean’s side now. "And you were happy."

"I was!" Dean exclaimed and finally let go of the wheel to lean back against the seat, hardly noticing the man’s arm coming down to rest around Dean’s shoulder. "I really was, even though no one else was."

"What do you mean?"

Dean jerked a little when he realized how close the man was but he just turned to regard him. Fuck, he felt talkative all of a sudden. The only other one that could pull this kind of shit out of Dean was Sammy and only maybe after a couple of drinks. But this was a stranger, Dean thought, and that fact comforted him. He didn’t have to have his walls up here, he didn’t have to be the one everyone thought he was; expected him to be. He just had to be because he would never meet this man again.

He sighed. "My friends and family didn’t like our relationship."

"Were they looking out for you?"

Dean thought this over. People didn’t tend to ask him this, they just assumed. He liked that the man wanted to know what Dean thought.

"Yeah, yeah they were." He closed his eyes briefly, sighing again. "And I was an idiot to not see it. Fuck." He thumped his fingers against the wheel and didn’t notice how the man put a hand on Dean’s thigh. "I was so stupid for so long."

"Love makes fools of us all." The man commented sagely and Dean was just about to agree when he finally saw the hand on his thigh. The man’s fingers were slim and his palm maybe a little smaller than Dean’s but still, that was a _man’s_ hand. On his thigh.

" Uh…"

"You know," the man leaned in and very barely brushed his lips against Dean’s ear. "I could help you forget for a little while."

Dean jerked his head to the side to really look at the man but since he couldn’t back up the rest of his body without slamming into the door he unfortunately ended up a little too close to the man for comfort. Dean blinked when the man didn’t even flinch.

"What?" he asked but it didn’t come out as sharply as he had imagined it would. He sounded stunned, to be frank.

The man tilted his head to the side and regarded Dean for a moment before exhaling slowly, his breath ghosting strangely over Dean’s lips. "Look, Mr.—"

"Dean."

Why had he said _that_?! Why the hell had he given the man his name, why had he given him _any name_?!

The man’s smile was the most inviting yet and Dean shrank back against the door.

" _Dean_." The man practically purred and pressed oh so slightly closer. " What I hear here is that you’re torn about what’s happened. You’re sad at what you’ve lost and you’re angry at the same. And perhaps you’re also angry at yourself for being sad. How am I doing so far?"

Dean tried to swallow around his lump of panic. He fumbled for the door handle, prepared to flee any second and yet he stayed there in his car with this strange man pressed up against him.

"I… Yeah, you’re right. I suppose."

The man nodded. "Angry and sad and you should be, your girlfriend sounds like a very selfish person."

"Fiancé." Dean whispered and watched in fascination as the man’s eye widened slightly.

"You were engaged?"

Dean chanced a glance down at his hand and the simple ring his meager paycheck had been able to afford. "She… We were going to have a family." He didn’t notice it himself but his features softened when he looked at the ring. "I wanted to do things right."

When he looked up again he noticed that the man was regarding him with an emotion Dean couldn’t place. Curiosity? Not really. It was more as if he was impressed and surprised at the same time but Dean couldn’t fathom why and the look disappeared faster than Dean could pinpoint it.

"You’re a real man, Dean." The man stated in a voice much too husky for Dean not to notice and yup, the man’s hand was back on Dean’s thigh. "You deserve to be taken care of, let me do that for you."

Dean had never been so confused and intimidated at the same time. Was the man really suggesting what Dean thought he was? A few men had hit on Dean over the years, that much was true, but Dean had never paid them any heed. For one, he was straight in a pretty straight-forward way and two, he had only ever had eyes for Lisa. Plus, those men had always been subtle, checking the waters Dean supposed, so they had been easy to brush off. This man, however, yeah he was totally inching his way higher up Dean’s thigh and breathing against Dean’s neck at the same time.

"Dude," Dean mumbled and was horrified when he realized just how close the man was and how not disgusted Dean felt by the touches. "What’re you doin’?"

The man laughed in a low voice and fuck, the rumble in his chest transferred into Dean’s body in a way he had never known. "Don’t worry big boy, just let me take care of you." He glanced at the back seat but Dean barely had any time to breathe before he was back to grinning at Dean. "Don’t suppose there’s much space here and forgive me if I’m wrong but you don’t seem like the outdoors kind of type."

What the hell kind of type? Dean felt hot and confused enough to be freaking out. "What are you saying?"

The man squeezed Dean’s thigh in a very strong hand. "I’m saying 20 bucks for a hand-job and 50 for me blowing you." He held up his unoccupied hand for Dean to see a small condom package that had magically appeared. "With rubber, of course." He winked and that may have been what kicked Dean into gear.

He gripped the man’s wrists hard and pushed him back so that he slid half-way over the seat while Dean himself pressed up against the door so fast he actually banged his head pretty badly. As if he would care about that right now.

"You’re a _hooker_?" he hissed out with round eyes and the man looked more surprised than anything.

" Well, yeah." He blinked a few times and then actually had the audacity to laugh. The sound was so deep and rich and comforting that Dean relaxed despite himself. "What did you think, sweetie? You picked me up in the red light district."

"What?" Dean hadn’t even known Redwood had a district that could be defined like that. Palo Alto maybe but here? There was downtown, uptown and the kind of middle ground which was basically the shopping district but he had never thought anything more about it. Fuck he felt a fool, living such a sheltered life.

The man smiled kindly. "Not that I didn’t actually enjoy talking to you, sorry about your girl by the way, but did you really think a stranger would care all that much?"

Dean felt _so stupid_. " No." He mumbled lowly and looked down at his hands. "I suppose not."

The man slid closer but the atmosphere was different than before so Dean let him. "I really am sorry, though, it sounds like you’re really hurting and it kind of sounds like you’re better off without her but just don’t know it yet."

Dean looked up and the way the man was looking at him convinced him that yeah, this man was telling him the truth. This stranger assessed the situation like this even though he didn’t fucking need to. He didn’t need to take Dean’s side and he didn’t need to be nice to Dean but he still was. In an attempt to get money, sure, but still…

"Thanks." Dean mumbled and the man smiled.

"Do you want to drive me back?"

Did he? "I don’t know." Dean answered with a slight frown. Talking to this man had made him feel better in a strange kind of way and Dean thought that maybe he would like the man’s sympathies some more, even if they were fake. "Why did you chose me?"

The man tilted his head to the side. "Of all the potential patrons, you mean?" he pursed his lips in thought when Dean nodded. Plump would be the word to describe those lips, Dean’s mind provided. "To be fair there weren’t that many to begin with." He smiled then and Dean realized he had slumped his shoulders at the answer. Yeah, great way to be subtle, Winchester. "And you _are_ very handsome." He continued. " And that’s always nice, having a john that’s good looking makes the job easier." Dean should not preen at that but he totally did. "Plus you looked so sad and confused, I thought maybe you were new to this and I wanted to spare you some of the other whores." He chuckled when Dean flinched at the word.

"I’m sorry I mislead you." Dean mumbled sheepishly but the man just waved it away.

"It happens, not a lot, but it does. Thank you for not beating me up."

Dean’s eyes budged a little. "I wouldn’t do that."

The man regarded Dean for a moment longer than strictly necessary. "No I suppose not." He agreed in a thoughtful tone that made the hair at Dean’s neck stand on edge for some reason. "Now, how about that blow-job? Otherwise I gotta get back, I…" he laughed a little and for the first time Dean thought the man’s sounded a little unsure of himself. Nervous, even. It made Dean curious. "I kind of need the money, so…"

Dean almost startled to think about why the man was doing things like this. Going on a drive with strangers, sucking them off. Whoring his body for money. Dean wanted to know why but supposed it would be wrong of him to ask.

"Do you do this a lot?" he heard himself asking despite what he should and should not do.

The man blinked once and then ducked his head, smiling shyly and shit, it made heat rise on Dean’s cheeks. "It’s my only job." The man answered and Dean let that be enough.

This… this was a momentous decision for Dean. Stupid and made for the wrong reasons but momentous nonetheless.

"I want to know your name." He stated in a voice much steadier than he felt. The man looked up and looked confused. Dean swallowed hard. "If-if I’m gonna have your mouth on my dick I need to know your name."

The man actually smiled at that. "Of course you do." He mumbled and it sounded as if he liked that Dean had asked. "It’s Castiel but you can call me whatever you want."

Dean thought it was a strange but eerily beautiful name. A mouthful, though. "How about Cas?"

"Sounds perfect." Cas smiled and Dean saw little crow’s feet by the man’s eyes. "But you don’t have to care about me." Cas was sliding closer again and Dean let him. "Just relax and let me take care of you. You’re straight, right?" He nodded when Dean did. "So just close your eyes and picture a woman." He gestured to Dean’s engagement ring. "Maybe her, I don’t mind."

But Dean scowled at his finger and promptly pulled the ring off, tossing it in the back seat. "I don’t want to."

Cas eyed him confusedly. "That’s okay, you can pick anyone you want. Please forgive my scruff, though. But I don’t know, just picture a hairy pussy or something."

Dean actually scrunched his nose at that. "Couldn’t I just look at you?"

Fuck, Cas looked even more confused at that but the leer that came across his plump lips did something within Dean. Stirred something and Dean unconsciously shifted in his seat.

"Of course, Dean." Cas conceded in a deep voice and he was pressed up against Dean’s side again, his warmth seeping into Dean’s shivering body once again. "Anyone you want. I just have two questions for you before we get started."

"Y-yeah?" Dean’s voice sounded much gruffer than he was used to but Cas didn’t seem to mind.

"Are you a cop?"

"What?" it was Dean’s turn to stare at Cas confusedly.

"Because you kind of have to tell me if you are."

Oh. Oh, right. This was fucking illegal, right? "Are you? A cop?"

Cas shook his head and smiled when Dean shook his as well. "Good. And second, do you actually have the money?"

Dean fumbled with his wallet and repressed a sigh of relief when he could produce 50 dollars without problem. "Am I, uh…" he blushed, feeling stupid and awkward and not sexy in the least. "Am I supposed to pay for the condom too?"

Cas smirked as he pocketed the money. "That’s on the house, sweetie."

"Oh, okay." _So_ stupid.

Then Cas was back against Dean’s side and yeah, Dean stopped breathing for a moment there. This was a _man_ , a distinct _man_ , plastered against his side. There was no denying that and what the fuck was Dean actually doing? So Lisa had cheated on him, so he had left her and so he had had his heart broken. That did _not_ explain why he would let this man feel him up. And pay him to do it.

He was just about to change his mind because seriously, _seriously_ , when he felt Cas’ palm suddenly resting on his crotch and yeah, his dick didn’t fucking care if this was a man’s hand or not. Oh, it perked up real nice when Cas’ hot breath ghosted over Dean’s ear and sure, Dean had never had any trouble with ED or anything like that but he wouldn’t have thought having a dude feel him up would make him react so fast, at least.

But Cas was skilled at this, Dean could tell and not just because he ought to be because this was his job. Yeah, Dean could actually feel how Cas’ hands moved over his dick, fingers pressing just right and Dean’s hips were soon seeking the man’s hand as if it held all the answers.

"Don’t hold back." Cas mumbled with his lips just shy of Dean’s neck, laughter in his voice but Dean didn’t feel stupid anymore. Just delirious.

He realized then that he had been biting his lower lip to keep from making noises. Partly because he was used to sleeping with Lisa and she didn’t like it when he was vocal and partly because if he actually voiced what he was feeling then this would feel much too real.

"I-I can’t." He whispered even as he spread his legs and Cas’ fingers slid along his whole length where it was trapped in the leg of his jeans.

"Can’t what, Dean?" Cas asked and started unbuttoning Dean’s jeans slowly.

Dean shook his head. "I’m not supposed to like this."

"Why?" Cas’ hand was warm but Dean’s dick was warmer. "Because I’m a man? Because I’m a whore?" he fished Dean’s dick out and Dean fucking gasped as he bobbed free. "Both?"

"Both." Dean pressed out and looked down, surprised to see himself so hard and just from a little rubbing through the pants. He felt like a slut and didn’t know why he liked the feeling.

Cas was nodding against Dean neck. "It’s okay." He said again and this time Dean believed him. He bit his lip to keep from whining pitifully when Cas withdrew but he did relax when he saw that Cas was just ripping the condom wrapper and pulling out the rubber ring. "I’m going to put this on you now." He looked Dean in the eye and Dean actually shuddered.

"Are you always so clinical with your customers?" Dean had to ask because he felt as if he was losing himself in a much too good way.

Cas smirked and just put his hands back on Dean, nipping the condom and rolling it on. "Only the nervous ones." He said calmly as Dean tried very hard not to roll his hips up into Cas’ touch. "You should know that we can stop any time you want, but I’m not giving you the money back."

"I don’t wanna stop." Dean bit out, looking anywhere but Cas.

"Good." Yeah, Dean didn’t have to look at Cas to know that the man was still smirking. "Now, turn so you can lean against the door, give me some room." Dean did as he was told but felt fucking awkward doing so. He had never gotten blown in the car before even though he had secretly kind of wanted to. He opened his legs as Cas bent down to graze his fingers along Dean’s quivering dick. "This is gonna feel odd because of the rubber but I’ll make it good enough." He winked and then promptly swallowed Dean down.

Now, Dean wasn’t a stranger to blow-jobs. Sure, he hadn’t had that many because Lisa got tired in the jaw but he pretty much knew what to expect. Heat, sucking, wet.

Except Cas felt different in about a thousand ways.

He held Dean’s dick steady with one hand while the other dug out Dean’s increasingly tight balls from his underwear. His tongue slithered around Dean and he deepthroated like he fucking meant it. It felt fucking amazing and Dean wasn’t even feeling the rubber. He fisted his hands against his thighs and the leather seat creaked when he tried desperately not to thrust up.

"Fuck." He gasped when Cas swallowed, fucking _swallowed_ , around him.

Cas pulled off with a lewd pop. "Dean." He rumbled and Dean fucking loved how hoarse his voice was now. Hoarse because Dean’s dick had made it so. "I don’t want you to hold back, fuck my mouth if you want to."

Dean looked down at Cas and Cas met his crazy stare with a steady gaze. "Are you for fucking real?" he huffed out and that made Cas grin.

"Dean, you’re paying me." He said and managed to sound both reproachful and amused. "Feel free to use me at your leisure." He looked down when Dean’s dick jumped at that and Dean held his breath. "Plus you have an awesome cock, it would be a shame not to put it to use." He flicked his gaze up to again meet Dean’s round eyes. "Don’t you think?"

"Fuck yes." Dean hissed and his hand moved as if on its own accord to fist in Cas’ messy hair, pressing the man down again and Cas went willingly, swallowing Dean whole and Dean didn’t hold back anymore. Just let his hips buck up and fucking yes, Cas was rolling with him, his throat constricting around the head of Dean’s rock hard dick.

Dean gripped the back of the seat with his right hand as the other kept the death grip on Cas’ hair. He leaned his own head back to press against the cool window as he really go into the motion, bucking his hips, feeling Cas’ tongue slide sinuously around his whole length even as he fucked the man’s mouth in a torturously slow motion. Fuck, it felt better than he would have believed and much better than any blow-job he had ever had. Better even than Lisa’s pussy? Maybe, because he didn’t have to hold back. Cas let him take what he wanted and Cas let him make sounds and fuck, Dean was making sounds. Moaning, groaning, even whimpering when Cas’ teeth caught very briefly on the crown of his dick because that felt awesome and wasn’t the turn-off he had thought it would be, not in the slightest. He kind of wanted Cas to do it again and when he looked down he saw that Cas was studying him and somehow knew. Knew to nick his teeth again and when he got a good reaction out of Dean he continued doing it at irregular intervals.

Best. Blow-job. Ever.

Dean was a writhing mess in no time at all and he kind of wanted to feel embarrassed about that but the way Cas was looking at him made that impossible. Because Cas’ eyes were lust-blown as well and Dean felt like a goddamn champ and like a priceless artefact all at the same time.

"Cas." He gasped. "Cas, I’m gonna come soon."

Cas fucking hummed at that and yeah, there was that pull that Dean couldn’t even hope to stop. He was going to fucking come inside a man’s mouth and he was fucking loving it. Loving all of this. Cas’ obvious man-features, his scruffy cheeks, his strong jawline, his Adam’s apple and the way it bobbed as he swallowed, and his _hands_. God, Dean loved the way Cas’ hands gripped his hips hard enough to bruise.

He reached down to cup Cas’ jaw and it kind of did him in. Feeling the man’s stubble was what fucking did him in, okay?

"Fuck!" he choked out and felt how one of Cas’ hands came up to press so that the condom remained in place even as Dean started coming. "Fuck, Cas, Cas, you’re—ah!"

Dean bucked up one last time, his back arching even in his cramped position and he felt Cas lapping at the head even as he spurted the condom full.

He slumped back against the door again even before he was completely done climbing down from his high. Fuck that had felt good. Felt as if he hadn’t come for a decade and maybe that wasn’t so inaccurate.

Cas pulled off carefully and took care to angel Dean’s dick so that no come actually dripped out as he removed the condom. "You came a lot." He remarked and shit, Dean had never heard someone’s voice sounding so raw. He felt proud about that. He had made that.

"You suck dick like you fucking love it." Dean stated in way of answering and his speech was slurred. He grinned lazily when Cas winked at him and turned around to roll down the window and toss the condom outside.

Dean wasn’t sure he liked that, not because he was concerned about the environment because he wasn’t goddamn Sam, but because he felt odd about having his come discarded where anyone could find it. He didn’t say anything though. Just sat up to tuck his dick back in as Cas rolled up the window again.

It was then that he noticed that that totally had been lust he had seen in Cas’ eyes before because that sure as hell was an erection bulging Cas’ jeans. He swallowed and looked at it. He had paid Cas to suck him, sure, but was he supposed to reciprocate? What was the standard here?

Cas of course noticed him staring and Dean was ripped out of his thoughts when Cas laughed. "Relax, Dean." He smiled and it made those crow’s feet appear around his eyes again. "We’re done here."

Dean blushed and immediately hated himself for it. "Okay." He mumbled and turned to the steering wheel but didn’t start the car. He sat in silence for a moment and Cas let him collect his thoughts. "Does… Does that happen every time?" he eventually asked in a low voice without looking at Cas.

"Does what happen?" Cas asked and Dean glanced down at his lap. Yup, erection was still going strong. "Oh, do I get hard every time I tend to a client?" he was grinning when Dean dared meet his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Not every time. Depends on what they’re doing, or on what they’ve paid me to do. Or, in cases like these, mostly on their attitude or what they look like." He continued grinning while the meaning of his words settled in Dean’s mind.

"Oh." Dean choked out and it sounded like a squeak to him.

"But don’t worry, we’re not doing anything else. Not because I wouldn’t like that." He looked smug when Dean’s blush came back full force. "But I can sense that would be overstepping your boundaries and besides, that’ll cost you a hell of a lot more than fifty bucks."

"Y-yeah." Dean continued in his non-squeak. "Okay. I’ll," he cleared his throat. "I’ll take you back now."

"Much obliged."

The drive back was spent in silence and pensive contemplation. Dean couldn’t deny that that was one of the top ten orgasms he had ever had and he was man enough to admit it probably wasn’t just because he hadn’t been able to come in over two weeks what with Lisa hounding him and keeping him at bay at the same time. He also couldn’t deny the pull the man had on him. Something about him made Dean feel calm and on edge at the same time and he had to admit that he liked it. Liked how the man’s attention had been focused solely on Dean.

He glanced over at Cas as they were nearing the street on which he had picked up Cas. Yeah, he was fucking man enough to admit that he kind of didn’t want Cas to leave the car.

Cas’ erection had died down by the time Dean pulled up by the curb where Cas had first joined him but Dean still felt bad about that. He was no stranger to blue balls and even though he was unsure of what he could have done to help the man he still kind of wanted to.

"Can…" he coughed and ducked his head when Cas turned to him because he couldn’t look at the man while asking this. "Can I see you again?"

He sensed, rather than saw, that Cas was smiling openly. "Sure." He said and it kind of sounded enthusiastic. Dean wanted it to be sincere but took whatever he got. "You can usually find me on this street on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and I—"

"No, I mean," Dean actually turned to him and dared to meet his eyes. "How can I be _certain_ I find you again?"

Dean liked to think Cas preened at that. Cas reached down to fish a card out of his pocket. "Call this number to make an appointment, just state my name."

Dean read the card carefully. It was clearly a business card and the name said _Crowley’s Independent Contractors_. It had two numbers listed and a webpage at the bottom.

" Crowley?" Dean asked and Cas shrugged when he looked up.

"My boss, he’s kind of an ass but don’t worry. He doesn’t answer the phone." Cas grinned but this made Dean frown.

This was an actual _business_ and Cas was working there, as a _prostitute_. It felt weird and made Dean a little nauseated to think about.

" Is he your pimp?"

Cas rolled his eyes fondly. "It’s the 21st century Dean, we’re _independent contractors_ , see?" he pointed at the card but Dean didn’t feel in the least better about this whole deal. It felt sordid and he kind of just wanted to drive off with Cas and take him away from it but that in itself made Dean feel even weirder.

He reached over to put the card in the glove compartment. "Maybe I’ll just take my chances with this street." He mumbled and Cas actually smiled at him.

"Tuesdays through Thursdays." He reminded Dean and Dean nodded with a tight throat. "I’ll look forward to seeing you again."

With that he slipped out of the car and Dean realized with a start that that motion looked so fluid because Cas was used to jump in and out of cars in the most seductive way possible because he was a goddamn _whore_ and Dean had just paid him to suck him off and Dean still wanted to see him again, despite those revelations.

He watched thoughtfully as Cas sauntered up to an inconspicuous-looking building and entered it without even looking over his shoulder. Dean felt cold and lonely and Baby had never felt so big before.

He sighed heavily before pulling out into the street and driving over to Sam’s, dreading the confrontation but at least successfully managing to suppress his emotions over the whole Cas-deal as he let the Lisa-deal take over his mind again. Somehow, though, it didn’t seem as bad anymore. He actually felt more indifference than anything else. He supposed it was shock or something and was happy to find Sam’s apartment blessedly empty.

He supposed Sam was out either studying or with Jess because those were the usual options so he just made himself at home on his brother’s couch and settled in to check his phone for messages.

He may or may not have fallen asleep before eight o’ clock, most of the messages erased without answer.

  
  



	2. Please see me

  
  


Sam had not been happy to find his brother sleeping and drooling on his couch but he had at least let Dean sleep there until morning before he had started with his game of twenty questions that no one found amusing at seven in the goddamn morning.

Dean had just dodged his brother with the lame excuse of needing to go to work and left for Bobby’s instead. And then there was Mary, of course, not only calling to confirm that Sam totally had ratted Dean out but also to give him hell for not coming over the day before and telling her immediately. Luckily she called him just before lunch so he had had a reason for ditching Bobby’s grunting and questioning gazes but her call didn’t make Dean feel any better about his decision. Oh she took his side, of course, but she still had so many questions that Dean just couldn’t answer that he just felt bad.

By the end of the workday he had gotten just as much job done as if he had stayed home, what with everyone calling throughout the day. Honestly, Dean had heard tales about the grapevine but he had never experienced it quite so literally before. Mary, Jess, John, Jo, and of course Lisa.

Fuck, Lisa had been mad and sad, in that order because yes, she had called more than once and it had been difficult for him to talk to her. She wanted him back and he wanted back too, at least a part of him did. But another part told him that he would do good on his own. He needed to experience new things, new feelings, and this was the time to do it.

Dean had been exhausted by the end of the day and he was immensely grateful that it was Friday. All he wanted was to relax on his couch, or Sam’s couch, but of course his friends felt like cheering him up so here he was, an emotionally drained day later, sitting drunk with his little brother and waiting for Jess and Jo to finish making the pot brownies Dean totally didn’t need but so wanted.

"I still can’t believe she would do that." Sam muttered as he downed the last of his beer. Dean had lost count on how many they’d drunk but it was probably one too many and he thought Sam knew that too. "I mean, I knew she was a bitch but shit…"

"Don’t call her that." Dean mumbled but it was more of a reflex than anything else.

"Well, it’s fucking true, alright?" yeah, Sam was practically wasted by now or he wouldn’t be swearing like that, Dean knew.

He thought maybe this would be the best time to ask his brother what he had been thinking about on and off throughout the day. Or in between the phone calls, rather.

"So, Sam…" he coughed to get Sammy’s attention when a noise from the kitchen drew his little brother’s eyes.

"Yeah?" Sam asked but it took a moment for him to pull his attention back. "What’s wrong?" he frowned. "You’re not regretting leaving her, are you?"

Dean didn’t have to think half as long as he would have believed. "Not really."

"Because I know it’s a pain sleeping on my couch and all but we’ll find you a place soon." Sam slapped him on the shoulder when Dean frowned as well. "Me and dad’ll help you clean out of the house."

Dean sighed. "It’s not that much, I’ll get in on Monday. But look, I—"

"I still don’t get why you’re the one who has to move, though." Sam smacked his lips disapprovingly and Dean sighed again, deeper.

"We haven’t talked about it, I just decided. I just want to be out of there."

"Yeah, yeah."

Sam snorted and Dean just kind of slumped in his seat. It kind of felt like everyone thought he was doing the right thing but that he was going about it all wrong. The only one who still hadn’t commented was Benny and Dean hadn’t called his old high school friend to check either. For all he knew Benny was making a fucking move on Lisa right now and—no, Dean would not think about that right now. He was done with Lisa and if Benny felt like dealing with her shit then by all means.

"Sam?" he started again when they had listened to the girls giggling for a while. Sam was leaning against the couch with his eyes shut but he grunted in answer. "I got one for you. Would you rather have Jennifer Aniston or a random dude suck your dick?" he held up a finger when Sam looked at him as if he was an idiot. "_But_ , but Aniston has had all her teeth pulled out and she has herpes. Like full on herpes with the scabs and everything."

Yeah, this was the only way Dean could ask his brother this question, no judging.

Sam pursed his lips in thought. "How’s the guy?"

"How what?"

Sam took Dean’s beer and took a big swig from it before giving it back. "Is he clean?"

Dean shrugged. "Yeah. Yeah, he’s clean and pretty too, if that matters."

"Dunno that it does." Sam scowled in thought. "Is he good?"

"Sure."

"So basically a disgusting Jen or a neat guy?"

Dean shrugged again and looked away, unable to look his brother in the eye. "Yeah."

Sam pawed at Dean’s beer again but Dean held it out of his reach, expecting an answer and much too sober to let someone else down his beer. "Then I’d take the guy." Sam admitted after pouting didn’t yield any beer.

"Really?"

Sam shrugged. "Why not? I don’t have to date him or anything, do I?"

"Suppose not."

"Then yeah. Now give me your beer or go get me a new one."

Dean actually gave up his bottle, his thoughts too focused on the memory of Cas’ tongue against his dick. "Would you pay him?"

"What?"

"If…" Dean averted his eyes again. "Same offer stands but you have to pay him to get it. Aniston is free."

"Where’s Jess in all this?"

That made Dean turn back. Trust Sam to make this game sound too real. He sighed for the umpteenth time. "She left you, you’re heartbroken."

"And for some reason I believe getting a blow-job would fix that?"

Dean felt like an idiot because yes, Sammy, exactly that. "Totally." He muttered and wished he hadn’t given his brother his beer. His hands felt strangely empty.

Sam bobbed his head from side or side. "I think I’d still take the dude. I mean, it couldn’t be that expensive, right? Besides, herpes?" he shook his head and downed the last of Dean’s beer.

"Yeah, yeah you’re probably right."

So, okay, Sam didn’t think getting a random guy to suck him off would be that bad. So maybe it wasn’t so bad that Dean had let that happen. What was weird, though, was that he still kind of wanted to see Cas again. Dean didn’t like admitting it but every time he had scratched his own chin today he had remembered how Cas’ scruff had felt like. And how Dean had come right in the man’s mouth. And how that had turned Cas on.

But more than that, he wanted to talk to Cas again. Even if Cas’ concern probably had been fake it had felt nice. Cas’ attention had been all Dean’s and he hadn’t judged Dean, hadn’t questioned him. Had just listened and just _been_ there. Yeah, Dean wanted to meet Cas again.

" So I got one for you." Sam said cheerily and turned to Dean. "Would you rather—"

But Dean was barely listening, was only remembering plump lips and too blue eyes.

  


*****

  


By the time Tuesday rolled around Dean had completely moved out of his and Lisa’s house, which was to say he had grabbed his clothes and immediate knickknacks and pretty much bolted while she was at work. He left furniture and kitchen appliances and everything else they had bought for their shared home, his desire to just be done with it overwhelming any feelings of ownership. He had paused briefly to stand in the doorway leading into the nursery he had painted a neutral yellow color and yes, it hurt seeing it and knowing he wouldn’t have it but he managed to collect himself before the moment got ridiculous.

So on Tuesday the week after Lisa had dropped the bomb Dean found himself living on his little brother’s couch while apartment searching like a madman. Of course Mary had wanted that he moved in with her and John but no, just no. He left a considerable amount of his boxes there, though, much to John’s great annoyance.

He had spent the Monday cleaning out of his house and Tuesday working double time to make up for it. Bobby was after all an understanding but strict boss and Dean was fine with it. He liked working, it sometimes left him time to think and sometimes took up all his attention, depending on what chore he took on. Today he had been thinking. Specifically about blue eyes and how the phrase _Tuesdays through Thursdays_ had gotten stuck in his mind. Today was a Tuesday after all.

But Tuesday passed and so did Wednesday because Dean was a fucking coward. There was no other way to put it, even Lisa had called him that. He wanted to talk to Cas again but he just couldn’t muster up the courage to do it because even if it was just talking he would probably have to pay the man for the company and holy shit, Cas was a whore. An honest to God man-whore.

Then, on Thursday, after a long and soul-crushing phone call from Lisa during lunch, Dean finally decided to just fuck it and drive down there. There was no harm in just driving along that street, right? A lot of people did it for completely normal reasons so why couldn’t he? And if he happened to see Cas standing there, so what? He didn’t _have to_ do anything.

Except when he finally turned the fucking corner he was immediately met with the sight of Cas, standing way too close to another man and talking with a charming smile tugging at the corners of his pink lips. Dean pulled up by the curb on the opposite side to… watch, he presumed but he didn’t know why. Cas touched the man’s arm when he laughed at something apparently funny. Dean frowned.

But this was so typical Dean couldn’t really muster up any anger. He just got too attached, to his family, to Lisa, to lost puppies and now, apparently, to strange men. But Cas had shoved Dean kindness when he really needed the consideration so of course he had come to crave the man’s attention once again. And of course others would crave it as well. Cas was nothing if not a very good whore, Dean reflected sourly and was just about to shift Baby into gear again when another man appeared by Dean’s open window.

"Well, hi there cowboy." He man greeted in a friendly tone, thick with a British accent.

Dean looked the man up and down and yes, now that he knew what kind of neighborhood this was it was easy to spot what kind of man this was so Dean allowed himself to look. The man had a slim build, blonde hair made blonder by the sun and a kind smile. He looked… good, Dean supposed and he wondered if it would be the same.

"Hi." He answered cautiously.

The man’s friendly smile changed into a grin but it wasn’t unpleasant, just different. "Looking for a good time?"

"I…" Dean thought this over. Frankly? No, a good time wasn’t really what he was looking for. His nerves felt frayed and he kind of felt as if he had been flogged over the last week, like his emotions had been bared and he was still trying to tuck them back in but instead of walls all he had left were picket fences. He felt drained and he should never have come here, should have known this wasn’t what he needed right now.

Dean realized too late that the man had been talking again while he zoned out and now he was left sitting there like a goddamn goldfish, trying to piece together what the man possibly could have said. Or asked, if his expecting expression was anything to go by.

"Um…" Dean tried uselessly.

"Look," the man started, still polite but very obviously with paper thin patience. "Do you want to do this or not?"

"Not?" Dean answered but his uncertainty over the whole situation made it sound like a question.

The man opened his mouth to speak again but promptly shut it when an arm was snaked around his waist.

"Why don’t you let me take this one?" Cas murmured into the man’s ear, much too close even if they were friends but Dean didn’t care about that. He was just so immensely relieved to see Cas that he felt he should be ashamed about it.

The man just shrugged. "Doesn’t seem like you’ll have anything to take but by all means." He left with that and Cas watched him cross the road before he turned to Dean with a little secret smile.

"Hello Dean." Cas said in his gravelly voice and leaned down against the window so that they came almost face to face.

"Hi Cas." Dean breathed.

"Was I interrupting something?" he asked, that same smile still lingering on his lips.

"No, no I was…" Dean looked down, feeling stupid. "Looking for you." He finishing in a hurried mumble.

"I’m glad." Cas stated and Dean’s stomach totally flipped at the sight of Cas’ brilliant smile. "Do you want me to get in the car?"

"Y-yeah."

Dean felt much calmer with Cas back in the passenger seat and he didn’t even think twice about where to drive.

"I was keeping an extra eye on the road." Cas said casually when they stopped briefly at a red light. "Hoping to see this car." He was looking out the window as he said it and Dean used the partial privacy to fight a blush.

"I had a lot to do." He mumbled, wondering why he was explaining himself; why the hell he couldn’t just take the compliment for what it was.

Cas seemed to consider this, his head tilted slightly to the side. "Did you move out?"

"Yeah."

"Good for you." Cas sounded like he fucking meant it. Not pitying and not grousing, just good for _you_ , Dean.

Dean dared meet Cas’ eyes as he made the last turn up to where they had parked last time. "Yeah." He agreed.

They sat in silence for a while after Dean had killed the ignition and even though Cas looked serene Dean was nervous as hell. What the fuck had he done this for? He was way out of his comfort zone and he knew it and maybe that was it? Maybe strap on a pair, Winchester, and admit that you’ve been thinking about this for a whole goddamn week now.

"So," Cas started and turned to smile invitingly at Dean. "What did you have in mind?"

"I…" fucking hell, this was hard. Dean was usually pretty confident but he was starting to realize that that was because everyone expected him to be. "Can-can we just talk?" goddamnit that sounded lame.

But Cas just tilted his head again and regarded Dean for a moment. "Sure, whatever you want Dean."

And yeah, Dean was starting to get that that was true. As long as he paid Cas he could get almost anything from the man. Still didn’t stop him from feeling ridiculous, though.

"I… Last time you kind of made me feel…" appreciated? Seen? Loved?

"Like you mattered?" Cas offered and Dean accepted it.

"Yeah, can we do that again?"

It felt as if Cas’ blue eyes could see Dean’s soul and for the life of him Dean couldn’t find it in himself to dislike the feeling. They were sitting on opposite sides of the seat in the warm car and Dean had never felt safer, even though Cas’ presence made him nervous. It was a very weird combination and Dean didn’t know what to make of it except he kind of thought this was how it should have been with Lisa, shouldn’t it? The love of your life shouldn’t judge you and Cas was making Dean realize this because even though Dean had to pay the man for his nonjudgmental company it still felt more real than anything he had shared with Lisa.

"Of course, Dean." Cas said eventually and broke Dean out of his thoughts.

"I mean," Dean hastened to add even though Cas hadn’t argued. "I know you only showed me sympathy last time because you wanted to-to…" it felt wrong to say it but Cas looked like he understood. "But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t mind, even if it’s fake you make it seem real and I-I need that, so…"

Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and it was the most comforting gesture Dean had ever experienced, even though many people had put many hands on his shoulder before.

"Dean." Cas said, his voice steadying. "I assure you that my sympathies are real and I want you to know that you don’t have to pretend with me. We both know what we are, let’s not hide anything here."

"Y-yeah." Dean mumbled, helplessly trapped between Cas’ reassuring gaze and his own crushing self-loathing. But Cas was right, here he could just be. "My family loves me." He felt the need to say and Cas just nodded. "And I know they’re trying to help me but I can’t help but feel like they don’t know me. Not always but sometimes and I feel like an outsider in my own skin."

"It’s alright." Cas nodded and squeezed Dean’s shoulder. "Here, in your car with me, you’re alright."

Dean nodded mutely and had to turn away because this shit was getting too real. He was never talkative and he never delved too deep into his own emotions. Partly because he didn’t like what he saw and partly because real men don’t do that Dean. Real men muddle through.

"I know you’re working and," Dean looked up to see Cas tilting his head again. "I have money."

Cas smiled and nodded but after the necessary amount had been exchanged Dean felt worse. Cas was such a strangely comforting presence that it was easy to forget what this was. Dean was paying this man to care. It made him feel sick.

"Do you want to change your mind?" Cas asked tentatively when Dean had remained silent for too long. "I understand this is way out of your comfort zone."

Dean turned slowly to look at Cas’ watchful eyes, surprised and comforted that Cas had used the exact same phrasing that Dean himself had chosen to describe this. He tried smiling and it felt genuine.

"I just kinda wish we could have done the paying after, kept up the illusion."

Cas actually laughed at that, a short little burst that filled a hole Dean hadn’t known was there. "Yeah, I get that but you know some johns just take what they want and then they push me out of the car and drive off." He still smiled even though what he said sounded terrible. "Fool me twice, shame on me, right?" he winked but Dean’s stomach churned. "Of course, some pay first but after they’ve gotten what they want they would mug me and push me out of the car all the same." He said it with an air of someone who’s remembering a fond memory but Dean thought it sounded horrible.

"I would never do that." He stated heatedly and for a second there was a glint in Cas’ eyes that Dean couldn’t place.

"No, I don’t think you would." Cas agreed with such emphasis that Dean could do nothing but believe he was making the other man feel as safe as he felt. It made him warm inside. "So," Cas said with a renewed smile "What do you want to talk about?" he nodded in Dean’s general direction. "Your fiancé? I see you don’t wear the ring anymore."

Dean looked down at his now empty ring finger. "No, I… It felt weird having it so I pawned it. I mean," he looked up to meet Cas’ eyes but the man just looked as if he was waiting for Dean to continue. "I bought it, right? I should get to do what I want with it."

"Absolutely." Cas answered in a tone that told Dean he could stop explaining himself all the time. "Did she give hers back?"

"I didn’t ask." Dean confessed in a low tone. "I just want to be rid of her and… And all that so I haven’t brought it up, don’t really want that shit-storm."

"I can imagine." Cas mumbled and Dean felt uncertain if the man had wanted Dean to hear that or not. "Do you want to move into the backseat, get a little more comfortable?"

Dean knew that there were benches over by the lookout point and it was a really nice spring day but he was immensely glad Cas had suggested the backseat. They might have to roll down a window or two to get some air but it was still private enough. Cas smiled kindly when Dean nodded in answer.

They sat in the back and talked for a while about everything and nothing. Mostly Dean talked about how he didn’t want to talk about Lisa. Cas was a really good listener, had all the right questions at the right time and thoroughly agreed with Dean on everything but not in a way that made it obvious he was agreeing just because of the money Dean had paid him to do exactly that. It felt friendly and Dean relaxed more and more.

At some point Cas coaxed him to lean down against Cas’ chest so that Cas was leaned against the car door and Dean was sitting in the V of his legs, resting against Cas’ solid frame. Dean didn’t even realize when or how it happened but it sure had to be gradually and he suspected Cas had been nudging him because he sure as hell didn’t remember the man asking him to just snuggle the fuck up. But here they were. Snug.

It felt weird and wrong and… and Dean loved it. Refused to acknowledge it, though, just kept talking and using his hands to emphasize his points and Cas kept agreeing with him and petting his hair, shoulders, arms. Fucking hell, Dean had never been held like this in his adult life.

He eventually quieted when this realization grew to such proportions that it overshadowed what the hell he was complaining about at the moment. The sheer terror of actually enjoying this made him tense but he still didn’t move to get up.

Cas noticed, though, because of course he had to what with Dean suddenly quieting and going stiff as a two-by-four.

"Dean?" he asked and shit, his face was close to Dean’s ear. "Talk to me." He added when he didn’t get an answer. He squeezed Dean’s stiff upper arms and yeah, it made Dean relax a little but it also reminded him that this was a _man_. He had actively sought the company of a _man_ and was enjoying snuggling with him.

Dean’s breathing quickened. "I-I…" he tried rising but his limbs felt like lead and Cas held him back. Gently, though, letting Dean know that he could break free but for some reason Dean let Cas hold him down.

"Tell me what’s wrong." Cas demanded but still just as gently.

Dean took a deep breath. "I like this." He almost whispered and felt Cas nod as if that was obvious. That made it worse. "I can’t like this." He tried sitting up straighter again and Cas let him but that made him pause half-way.

"Is this about what we talked about last time?" Cas asked in a comforting tone. "About me being a man and a whore? There is nothing wrong with preferring the company of men, Dean."

Dean turned his head to look at Cas but he had kind of stopped in the middle of rising and it felt ridiculous. He almost unconsciously leaned back down and the relief that washed over him when Cas put his arms around him again was almost palpable.

"I know _that_." Dean almost snorted because of course there was nothing wrong with men loving men it was just… " But I shouldn’t."

"Says who?"

Dean wasn’t going to answer that question. He averted his eyes and all but buried his face against his shoulder except there was Cas’ arm. It smelled good. "I’m not used to sitting like this." He mumbled and felt so goddamn stupid he just wanted to shoot himself. "I’m a grown-ass man." He grumbled and felt once again how Cas nodded.

"Except grown men want to be held as well. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be hugged." He pointedly hugged Dean closer. "Don’t you like cuddling, Dean? Isn’t it your turn sometime?" his mouth was so close to Dean’s ear that his lips touched when he talked and it sent a shiver down Dean’s spine. He remembered last time they had been here.

"I’ve never done it." Dean almost whispered and this got a surprised reaction out of Cas. The man leaned out to try and catch Dean’s eye but Dean just buried deeper, refusing to look at Cas when he said this. "I wanted to but Lisa… She said I was sweaty and disgusting after sex and when I tried… I dunno, on the couch and stuff while we watched a movie she didn’t… She just wanted space I guess."

Dean was startled when Cas pressed his lips against the skin under Dean’s ear. "She’s not here now, Dean." He mumbled against Dean’s suddenly very hot skin. "_I’m_ here." He snaked his arms around Dean’s chest to pull him impossibly closer. " Do _you_ want me to stop holding you?"

" No." Dean whispered and felt Cas nod for the third time.

"Tell me about your work." Cas suggested even as his breath danced against Dean’s neck and Dean took the out, forever grateful.

So Dean told Cas about his boring, everyday job and Cas listened as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever heard about. Maybe it was, Dean reflected when Cas kept asking him about the car he was currently working on. Maybe, for Cas, having an ordinary job was interesting to hear about.

It felt nice, though, talking about something Dean liked and something he was proud of. Sure, John had gotten him the job and was also working there and sure Bobby was practically more of an uncle than a boss but Dean was good at his job and he knew it.

Felt even nicer that Cas was seemingly absentmindedly rubbing Dean’s chest while he listened. And they hadn’t move either so Cas was much closer than before Dean’s freak-out, the man’s five o’ clock stubble rubbing against Dean’s neck and cheek. It felt intimate in a way Dean had never really experienced.

"What about you?" he suddenly asked and could almost feel the confusion pouring out of Cas.

"What about me what?"

"Your job." Dean coughed a little and was glad they were sitting the way they were because it made it impossible for him to meet Cas’ eyes. "Do you like it?"

It was obviously crossing some kind of line, Dean knew that. They shouldn’t acknowledge that Cas was in fact a prostitute because it broke the illusion. And Dean didn’t need anyone telling him that it was a big no-no to ask _why_ Cas was doing this but he still wanted to know if the man was happy doing it.

Cas shrugged just as Dean was preparing to take it back. "I’ve done worse things."

 _Worse than selling your own body?_ Dean didn’t really want to know. He shifted in his position and unconsciously rubbed back against Cas.

" Still, it’s gotta be dangerous and shit." He muttered and Cas actually chuckled at that and fuck, the rumble reverberated all the way through Dean’s body.

"Believe me, it’s much worse for some. I at least have Crowley’s protection, you don’t really mess with that man’s stuff."

Dean wanted to protest against Cas referring to himself as _stuff_ but understood that Cas was trying to lighten the mood that Dean had managed to darken. Clearly this was a touchy topic for Cas, just as Dean had suspected, and he was just glad Cas hadn’t gotten mad.

" You get to have a lot of sex, though, guess that’s pretty awesome." He tried grinning and knowing that Cas could hear it in the tone of his voice.

Cas chuckled again. "I guess."

"What’s this?" Dean turned half-way, glancing at Cas with mirth in his green eyes. "Do I hear a certain someone getting a little tired of all that ass he’s getting?"

Cas snorted amusedly and made Dean settle back again. "I wouldn’t complain if I got to choose the ass."

"I hear that." Dean agreed wholeheartedly. It was bad enough when he got to work on a real piece of shit car, he couldn’t even imagine trying to get it up for someone ugly. Except, did Cas really have to get it up every time? "Hey, Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" Cas answered when Dean didn’t immediately continue and Dean liked it, liked feeling as if Cas was waiting patiently for only him.

"Are you only with men?"

"Do you mean my clients?" Cas rested his hands on Dean’s hips when Dean grunted in answer. "No, I cater to women as well, everyone is welcome with me."

Dean knew Cas was trying to sound kind and accepting but he couldn’t help feeling strange, as if hearing that Cas really had other people made him less special, which it of course did. He was after all just a lonely john. Still, he wondered if anyone else had gotten to rest like this in Cas’ arms. He hoped not and chose to believe that illusion.

"Which ones do you like best?" why he kept torturing himself with this was another mystery. Why did he want to know at all? Was he just trying to push Cas’ limits?

Cas’ hands kneaded Dean’s hips and it felt nice. Dean leaned his head back against Cas’ shoulder.

"That’s hard to say." Cas answered after a little while and Dean realized he had seriously been thinking about it. "On the one hand I always get to top with women but on the other hand there is nothing more fulfilling then seeing a strong man submitting to me." Dean held his breath but Cas just kept kneading him and clicked his tongue in thought. "I guess if more men let me top I would say I preferred them but since that’s not the case…" he waggled his head from side to side, indecisive.

"Do you… I mean when you bottom…" Dean shifted again, embarrassed about what he wanted to ask and once again glad his face was mostly obscured. "Is it in the ass?" he almost whispered the last part, really uncomfortable asking such a thing.

"Yes." Cas answered honestly and without a trace of judgement. Nothing about Dean being stupid for even asking because of course men did it up the ass, duh. "And mostly from behind as well, I don’t really like that."

"Why?" Dean managed to grunt because grown men do not fucking squeak and there was totally where his voice had been headed asking such embarrassing shit.

"Why don’t I like it from behind or why do they do it like that?" Cas asked and Dean could hear him smiling.

"Both."

"They mostly do it like that because most men around here that come to us male prostitutes are very deep in the closet. In fact, most of them are so deep that they have managed to convince themselves that seeing another man aroused is disgusting. They don’t really like looking at my dick, flaccid or hard."

"Oh." Dean tried imagining sleeping with someone so obviously opposed to his body. Sure, Lisa hadn’t liked that he sweated sometimes but she had always praised him for his looks. Now, afterwards, he realized that that was probably about the only thing she had ever praised him for. "Then why the hell do they come to you?" he asked, realizing distantly that he probably wasn’t much better. Sure, he wasn’t going to Cas to release some pent-up closeted homosexual feelings but he was still a straight man seeking the attention of a man so how was that very different? He pushed the thought to the dark corners of his self-hating side when Cas just shrugged.

"Because humans are cowards." He answered simply, sounding much too used to the treatment. "They can’t face who they truly are so they try to hide until it hurts and they have to get it out. Men like those can’t let it out in their everyday lives so they come to me and the comfort the secrecy brings." Cas’ hands had stopped kneading but he was resting his palms so that his hands covered most of Dean’s pelvis, his fingers just shy of Dean’s dick. "So they come to me and use my body, not daring to really look at me and then they leave, thinking they have fixed the problem. But they always come back."

"Doesn’t it hurt, though?" Dean asked even as he unconsciously spread his legs. Cas’ fingers grazed his zipper. "I mean, I suck at feelings and stuff but that sounds kinda painful for you."

"Not anymore." Cas said with such airiness that Dean wondered how long he had been at this. "It’s mostly boring now." He smiled against Dean’s hair even as he dragged the pads of his fingers along the zipper. "I could just as well read a paper while they plow me from behind."

Dean was just now realizing what Cas’ clever hands were doing in his lap. He glanced down without moving his head and sure enough, Cas was all but massaging his crotch. And it felt nice. Not like urgency but like a slow burn that Cas’ fingers were coaxing forth. This time he shifted with a purpose, rubbing back and spreading his legs as far as he could in their position.

Cas, of course, noticed. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked, his mouth pressed against Dean’s suddenly very warm head. Dean kind of hated that he asked in that moment because he wanted Cas to continue but he couldn’t say it. Cas seemed to understand because no one had fucking understood Dean quite like Cas. "I will only stop if you tell me to." He said and promptly eased down Dean’s zipper as he popped the button.

Dean leaned back, almost pressing himself against Cas, his own hands landing on the other man’s thighs. How the fuck had their friendly, if a little cuddly, conversation gone from talking about work to this? Dean didn’t know and he kind of liked that he didn’t. Liked losing himself a little.

"I—" he gasped a little when Cas’ deft fingers found his semi-hard dick. "Money?" he asked, trying to be coherent even as thoughts of _man’s hand on my dick_ and _feels fucking amazing_ flew through his mind.

" Don’t worry." Cas actually kissed Dean’s head and that, if nothing else, relaxed Dean more than he would like to admit. "What you paid cover this. Do you want me to blow you like last time?"

Dean thought that over but his thoughts kept getting distracted as Cas stroked him leisurely. He eventually shook his head. "I want to sit like this."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I-I like it." Dean bit his lower lip when Cas pulled him free from his jeans. Yeah he was totally hard now and it had once again gone so fucking fast Dean thought he should be worried.

Cas released him for a moment and when he put his hands back Dean saw that he had produced a condom from one of his pockets. "So you won’t get messy." He explained and Dean kind of wanted to tell him to skip it but figured he had a point. He was after all living with Sam at the moment and he didn’t fancy having to come home and explain those kinds of stains.

Dean was distracted by the sound of Cas ripping the wrapper, though, and not distracted in a good way. Rather, in a way that once again reminded him of what they were about to do. And about the fact that he was still cradled in Cas’ arms, like a woman.

"Talk to me, Cas." He mumbled as Cas took hold of his dick and eased the condom down. His dick sure wasn’t having second thoughts, that was the fucking truth of the day.

"About what?" Cas murmured in a husky voice and Dean was man enough to admit that he found it hot. Cas had his mouth pressed against Dean’s temple, his hand was working Dean’s dick over beautifully, stripping it in a teasing way just this side of painfully pleasurable and fucking hell, Dean was so hard now.

"Tell me what you would do."

"Do about what?"

Shit, Cas’ voice was like a blanket over Dean’s mind. He realized foggily that he had started thrusting up into Cas’ grip. His hands grabbed Cas’ thighs harder.

"Tell me if-if... ah!" Dean gasped and bucked up harder when Cas squeezed around his base. Cas’ breath was hot against Dean’s even hotter skin and he suddenly wished they were naked but pushed the thought away. "If you had a guy in bed, what would you like to do?" he pressed out in a moan, watching desperately as he leaked precome.

"If I was with a male client?" Cas asked, sounding much too calm for the situation. Dean was sweating buckets, thrusting his hips and jumping in Cas’ expert hand

"If you— _fuck_ —if you had a day off or something."

Cas hummed when he understood and changed his grip slightly. "If I had a day off and wanted to have sex I would probably pick up a big guy. Tall and broad-shouldered, a man’s-man." He pressed the palm of one hand against Dean’s chest, pressing him back against his own. "He won’t have to be good-looking but it would be nice. I would take him back to my place and I would tie him up."

"Yeah?" Dean asked in a breathless voice, trying desperately not to picture himself in that random dude’s position and at the same time wondering why the hell he asked if he didn’t want to do exactly that.

Cas brought his legs up so that he could press Dean even tighter and fuck if it didn’t feel amazing, sitting in the cradle that Cas’ body created.

"Yes." Cas agreed and Dean liked to imagine his voice sounded breathless but it was impossible to say what with Dean already panting loudly. "I love seeing strong men completely at my mercy. I would tie him up and maybe blindfold him but never gag him. The sounds desperate men make could make me come alone." His unoccupied hand suddenly travelled up under Dean’s shirt and the sudden coolness against Dean’s heated stomach made him arch his back.

He moaned pitifully without thinking about it but fuck, it drew a noise out of Cas that made Dean leak again. Fat drops of precome dribbled out into the condom and Dean had never been so hard in his life. His chest was heaving, he was sweating and he gripped Cas’ legs so hard he was sure there would be bruises. But Cas didn’t complain, just kept stripping Dean’s dick in a way that was perfect and too little all at the same time.

"Te-tell me more." He pressed out and Cas all but growled in appreciation against Dean’s skin.

"I would take my time." He continued, his hand on Dean’s stomach travelling up. "Torturously slow. Make him beg for release." His fingers skated over Dean’s nipples and Dean had never paid them any heed before, alright? But now, now he reacted like a fucking bitch in heat when Cas pinched them. His back arched, his dick jumped and fuck, when he pressed back he could feel something definitely hard pressing against his lower back.

"C-Cas." He pressed out but didn’t know where he was going with it. To ask about Cas’ obvious erection, perhaps, but Cas’ hands kept up their ministrations and he felt helpless under the onslaught of pleasure.

"I would make him keen for my hands." Cas murmured in a deep voice, almost as if he hadn’t heard Dean say his name, as if he too was lost in the fantasy. "Would make him beg and I would give him, little by little but in my own good time." When he turned his head just so his lips grazed Dean’s skin when he talked and Dean was pushing back against Cas’ dick even as he humped Cas’ hand. "I love making big men scream in ecstasy, knowing it was I who did it. Making them want it so much they cry. And I would give it to them and when I do," he paused to actually lick at Dean’s neck and that was fucking it. Dean gripped Cas’ thighs so hard his knuckles went white. "I would do it _hard_." Cas growled and Dean could feel Cas’ dick jumping in his pants. Dean pressed back against it because reasons. Sex reasons. " I would fold them in half, forcing myself inside slowly at first but when they had adjusted…" he sucked down on Dean’s neck and Dean craned his head to the side to give access.

"You would _fuck_ them?" Dean heard himself ask in a voice he didn’t even recognize. He was so fucking close to coming he could taste it.

Cas flicked his wrist on the upstroke and Dean could feel him grin against his neck. "I would fuck them so hard." He moaned and there was no way for Dean to stop his orgasm. "I would fuck them and I would make them look at me the whole time. I want them to know." He growled as Dean started shaking in his impending release.

Dean’s whole body was surrounded by Cas’ and it felt fucking amazing. He let himself surrender and screamed wordlessly when his body finally gave in and his dick jumped in Cas’ hand even as Dean grinded himself back against Cas’ body.

He whimpered pitifully as he came down from his high and he never thought he would make such a noise in his life, let alone during sex. Fucking hell, getting a goddamn hand-job from Cas was blowing his mind in a way not even sex with Lisa had.

It wasn’t until he regained his senses that he realized Cas was sitting exceptionally still. Stiff, even, and it made Dean worried. Had he crossed some kind of line asking what he had asked? But if so, why hadn’t Cas denied him the request?

He started straightening to sit up but felt Cas jerk. When he turned half-way to look at the man he heard Cas gasp and shit, Cas’ whole face was scrunched up almost as if he was in pain or…

The bulge of Cas’ erection looked much bigger than Dean remembered and he suddenly felt very self-conscious of the fact that he had been humping Cas’ dick. Shit, he had grinded against the man’s crotch while asking about what sounded like a genuine fantasy of Cas’. Dean felt more selfish than disgusted about his actions.

"Shit, Cas, I’m sorry." He mumbled and reached out for Cas’ dick. What for he didn’t know. To help, most probably, even though he couldn’t even picture himself jerking off another man.

But Cas caught his hand before he reached anything. "It’s fine, Dean." Cas gritted in a way that told Dean it totally wasn’t fine. "I just got a little carried away, I’m the one that should apologize."

That made Dean frown because there was no way in hell that was correct. "Don’t say that, Cas, let me help you." He put his other hand on Cas’ hip, letting his thumb brush over the obviously painful erection.

Cas’ eyes flung open and he looked at Dean with such a pleading look that Dean didn’t know what to do with himself. Was Cas praying he continued or stopped? Dean pressed his lips together even as he put the heel of his hand wholly against Cas’ dick, pressing down.

Cas’ whole body jerked and yeah, he was totally coming in his pants. Dean’s eyes rounded out as Cas’ back arched and the man gasped helplessly, his eyes wide open but unseeing.

"N-no." He choked out but it was his hand around Dean’s wrist that kept Dean from pulling back.

Dean held his breath the entire time, pressing his hand down in little circles even as Cas’ body slumped back against the door. He couldn’t believe what he was doing, or what they had done. What he had paid Cas do to. What the _hell_ was he doing?

" Fuck, Cas, I…" he stumbled over his own words, worried he definitely had crossed a line now and worried about his own actions. Why the hell was he helping a dude get off? His hands were shaking when he finally withdrew from Cas.

Cas was looking at him from under lidded eyes and it took a moment for him to regain his composure. Dean spent the time not thinking about what Cas’ dick had felt like against his hand.

"I’m sorry, Dean." Cas eventually said, his voice a hoarse whisper and Dean just couldn’t look him in the eye right now. "This was not what you paid for, I shouldn’t have let it continue."

"What?" Dean looked up and yeah, big mistake. Cas’ eyes were still black from arousal and somehow that made him seem dangerous in an intriguing way. "N-no man, I shouldn't have done that, I…" he stopped when he suddenly thought he understood. "Wait, I can pay you if that-that’s what you’re…" he stopped talking when Cas frowned slightly.

"What you paid cover this. I actually," he sat up straighter, wincing when he pinched the cloth of his jeans around his spent dick. "I kind of overcharged you for the conversation. I didn’t know how long you would want to sit here so I charged you the hourly fee but that actually includes things like this as well, so…" he looked away, apparently embarrassed that he had kind of hustled Dean but Dean just felt relieved.

Actually, the money that Cas had charged him had sounded pretty reasonable to Dean. It didn’t matter to him what they did, after all, he just wanted to be with Cas for a while and he knew that the man had a job to do but if Dean could take him away from it for just a moment he was happy. It was a weird couple of emotions he was experiencing right now.

"Then it’s fine." Dean said with a small smile. "I’m sorry I touched you, though. You sounded like you didn’t want to and I..." he looked down at his hands just as Cas turned back to him.

"I didn’t want you to because I didn’t want you to feel like you had to, Dean. I remember you said you’re straight." Cas said with a kind voice that made Dean look up. "You paid me to have a conversation with me, not to get me off. Besides, I’m the one who should make you feel good."

"You did." Dean said in a low voice, a smile not even he could explain playing on his lips. Cas looked satisfied with that and yeah, they held each other’s gazes for a little while longer than necessary. "I guess I should take you back?" Dean eventually asked and Cas licked his lips.

"This doesn’t have to end just because of this." He gestured to their crotches. "I charged you for a couple of hours, you decide when this ends."

Dean swallowed. On the one hand he kind of wanted to curl up in Cas’ embrace again but on the other he needed to get home and back to reality. "I think…" he looked up to meet Cas’ eyes. "I’m good for now." He nodded when Cas did. Yeah, he had some serious thinking to do and he needed to get away from Cas to do any of it.

"Then if you wouldn’t mind driving me back?"

Dean grinned boyishly at that. "As if I would just leave you out there in the sticks." He said teasingly and to his relief Cas chuckled in that way of his. It made Dean feel warm. He pulled off the condom and pulled some tissues from the glove compartment to wrap it in. Yeah, he wouldn’t throw it out here again, that just felt weird. He handed Cas some tissues. "Want to wipe down?" he asked, feeling stupid because it was his fault Cas had come in his pants. If he had just kept his paws to himself maybe Cas would have been able to take his dick out first. Or maybe cool down enough to be able to go home first.

Cas just shook his head. "It’s fine, I’ll wash when I get back."

Get _back_ , not get _home_ , Dean reflected silently. "Do you want my boxers, then?" he asked instead and almost blushed at Cas’ surprised face. "I mean, I know it’s gross wearing someone else’s underwear but you know… It gets sticky and stuff."

Cas looked at him with soft eyes and for a moment Dean actually thought the man would lean in and kiss him. He felt himself pursing his lips.

"It’s okay, Dean, really." Cas assured him then and broke the bubble.

Dean nodded and they clambered into the front seat so that Dean could drive them back. Cas made a disgusted face as he adjusted his dick and actually laughed a little, making Dean smile. The drive back was otherwise spent in silence, just like last time, but it was a pleasant silence so Dean just took the opportunity to enjoy it.

"Can I see you again?" he asked as he pulled up outside the same inconspicuous building as last time.

Cas nodded with a bright smile. "Tuesdays through Thursdays." He reminded and Dean didn’t know why he felt disappointed. Like maybe Cas would be more available now that they had spent a couple of hours talking, as if that would make them buddies. But Cas was still a whore and Dean thought he’d better start remembering that. It wasn’t as if Cas would suddenly want to start spending time with Dean on his days off or something.

He just nodded in answer and watched a bit ruefully as Cas exited the car and walked up to the building. On the way he was met with the bloke that had tried picking up Dean and yeah, Dean totally got a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach as Cas laughed together with this man, leaning into the touch as the man slung an arm around Cas’ shoulders and followed Cas inside.

And yes, Dean was fucking man enough to admit that that sour feeling was jealously.

  
  



	3. Show me the other side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, have you guys heard Ed Sheeran’s _Photograph_? I totally listened to it on repeat and bawled my eyes out while writing this chapter, I feel like a friggin' 14-year-old…

  
  


" So tell me about that man." Balthazar said as he flipped lazily through a week-old _People’s Magazine_.

" There’s not much to tell." Castiel answered from where he stood by the sink, trying to clean out his boxers. He could see Balthazar smirking through the mirror. His friend stretched out on Castiel’s bed, making himself comfortable. Castiel sighed. "It’s pretty standard; he’s a straight man with abandonment issues who just got screwed over by his fiancé, that’s about it." He flicked off the light to his small bathroom and joined Balthazar in his bedroom/living room/dining room/kitchen. He joined Balthazar in his only room.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow insinuatingly. "And he’s also the man that made you cream your pants like a virgin."

Castiel sighed again and padded over to his drawer to pull out some slacks and new underwear. "You saw him, he looks good."

"Sure." Balthazar agreed with such an air that Castiel was glad he had his back turned. "I didn’t think twice about it when you took him but now I’m starting to regret not getting to taste that sweet piece of man meat."

"Please don’t, Balth." Castiel murmured while he pulled out his clothes. His hand was shaking slightly but he willed it to stop. For now.

"Please don’t what? You know I have to tease you, love." Balthazar said, trying to appear somber but there was laughter in his voice.

Castiel turned around and got dressed in front of his friend, just as uncaring of his nudeness as Balthazar was, too accustomed to each other by now. "Fine, but don’t do it where Gabe can hear, I beg you. Dean is…" he worried his lower lip, uncertain of how he wanted to end that sentence and irritated that he had let the name slip. "He’s a good customer but he’s nervous."

Balthazar snorted and rose when Castiel started gathering his things, ready to once again walk up and down the street. "Fine Cassie, I’ll leave your Bambi alone."

Castiel rolled his eyes and put his hands in his pockets to stop them from shaking. "It was a one-time thing; he just asked too personal questions, sitting too close. I kind of lost control."

"Except you never lose that kind of control."

Castiel grunted in response as they walked down the stairs. "I know, let’s not talk about it."

"Because he’s straight?"

"Because I’m a whore." Castiel said pointedly, smiling to lessen his harsh words but Balthazar frowned at him. Or, rather, at his hands. Shit.

"Are you okay, Cassie?"

"Of course." Castiel answered with a confident snort because he couldn’t not be okay right now. Was too poor to not be okay. Maybe after tonight, if he was lucky, or by Friday, but not now. For now he had to be okay. Balthazar nodded and Castiel knew his lie had been caught but they parted ways outside the apartment complex all the same.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean was nervous. And drunk. Pretty much had to be drunk or he would be freaking the fuck out instead of just battling butterflies in his stomach.

This week had been shitty. Work had been grueling, he had had too many hours logged together with John and Dean loved his father but sometimes it was a hassle working with the man. They usually didn’t because John worked the other shift but sometimes they would coincide more than necessary for Dean’s sanity. Like now.

John had alternated between being helpful, understanding and a downright pain in Dean’s ass. Because when Dean didn’t immediately perk up John, as usual, reverted to his old Marine days because tough love, Dean, tough love made men into men and God help you Dean if you don’t let this shit go right about now. Dean quickly tired of the treatment.

And then there had been Lisa because of course it had been. She had showed up at the garage and that had been like a fucking stab to Dean’s guts. She had been beautiful and her stomach somehow looked bigger but Dean later thought that might have been his imagination. In any case she had come to crush his resolve and it had worked like a charm. Johns’ tough love hadn’t made it better. Bobby had sent him home early but that hadn’t really been what Dean had wanted. He knew Mary would get to know this and he didn’t want that, didn’t want her worrying more than necessary.

Sam had thankfully not been home when Dean had stumbled in at two in the afternoon and he still wasn’t back after Dean had gone and come home a second time, arms filled with bags of whisky. Yes, Dean fully intended to get hammered tonight. Because Lisa had laughed him right in the face, calling him an idiot for leaving _her_. Because John had slapped Dean on the shoulder, telling him to " buck up". Because Bobby had sent him home, obviously thinking Dean needed solitude when all he really needed was something to do with his hands. Because Mary had called five times already and Dean was too much of a coward to even listen to the voicemail. Because Cas hadn’t been anywhere to find.

Yes, Dean was ready to admit it now that he was appropriately drunk. He had needed Cas’ fake comfort right now and the man been nowhere, literally _no_ where. Dean had almost contemplated stopping and asking that blonde Brit whom Cas obviously knew but he hadn’t had the guts to do it. Was kind of regretting it now, though.

Had been regretting it enough for him to go down to the Impala and dig out the business card Cas had given him and here he was now: drunk, nervous and with his phone in one hand; the card in the other.

He stared at the card for a long while, so very glad Sam still wasn’t home he couldn’t even put words to it. Because picking Cas up on the street was one thing, this… this was something else. This was him calling a hooker. Setting up a meeting, being a sleazy john.

But… but Cas would be his, for a long while, _in a room_ , probably. Dean still didn’t know how to categorize what had happened last time he met Cas. How Cas had made him feel special again, safe and loved and how quickly it had escalated. And what Cas had looked like when he came. By Dean’s hand. He still didn’t know what to make of that but his emotions were frayed and he kind of felt like he needed Cas to put him back together because everyone else sure was doing a shitty job of it.

Dean took a shuddering breath because that wasn’t true. His friends and family tried helping him, tried putting him at ease and it wasn’t their fault it wasn’t working. Wasn’t their fault that Dean felt he needed to live up to expectations he didn’t even know who had set. But that was how it was; he felt as if everyone expected something out of him, a reaction, an emotion, _something_.

Cas didn’t do that. Cas just expected him to exist. And to give him money, presumably, but that request was so easy to fulfill that Dean managed to suppress that fact. And then, because Dean was a master at suppressing depressing shit, he also conveniently overlooked the fact that he’d rather pay for fake attention than get real attention for free. But Cas… it was just different with Cas, wasn’t it?

So he had had a shitty week, trying to juggle feelings he’d rather not talk about, dodging people who were dead-set on talking about said feelings and trying his hardest to find a place of his own because sleeping on Sam’s couch was getting pretty old rather quickly. And so now he kind of wanted to see Cas again. Wanted to see the other man enough that he was dialing the number to Cas’ job without a conscious thought in mind except _holy shit, I’m doing it_.

Dean lost his nerve at the first ring and an eternity passed until the next one, making Dean change his mind enough that he had pulled the phone from his ear when someone finally answered on the other side.

"Hello?" he probably sounded ridiculous, like someone who hadn’t quite worked out how a fucking phone worked. He was sweating.

"Welcome to Crowley’s Independent Contractors. I’m Meg, how can I help you?" The woman repeated in an obviously bored drawl and Dean swallowed, refusing to let her tone give him cold feet.

"Yeah, um…" he cleared his throat when his words came out all slurry. He was silently thankful that she gave him time. "I’d like to set an appointment?" yeah, he totally made that sound like a question because fuck if he knew what the hell he was doing. Thank you whisky for providing confidence and fuck you for taking away higher brain functions…

But Meg started typing immediately and Dean felt comforted by the sound. "Of course, sir." She intoned in her drawl. "Do you have a specific contractor in mind?"

Dean kind of wanted to quip about the term _contractor_ and how it made it sound so sterile. Not sexy at all. But maybe that was the point? He decided not to ask.

" Yeah Cas, I mean—" he cleared his throat again. "Castiel."

She hummed thoughtfully. "Clarence is one of our more popular males, did you have a specific date in mind?" Dean was about two seconds away from arguing the name and that her tone had made Cas sound like a piece of cow meat but he didn’t have any time before she made an almost triumphant noise. "Wait, I see that he has a cancellation this Friday, would that be acceptable?"

Considering that Dean really wanted to see Cas right the fuck now he supposed it would have to do. "That’s fine." He answered, trying to sound more confident now that he had gotten over the initial awkwardness of the phone call.

"Great." Meg stated and it kind of sounded like she was clicking her tongue or chewing gum. "Is this your first time using our service?"

Dean thought briefly of asking if picking Cas up in his car would count but decided against it. "Yeah." He answered instead, feeling stupid but when Meg continued talking there was no judgment in her voice, just the slightly bored tone of someone who had repeated themselves too many times and Dean thought about how not sexy anything of this was. He thought of Cas instead.

"You now have an appointment booked on 7:30 p.m. on this Friday, the appointment will take place at the Elysium Hotel, do you know where it is located?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Castiel will be in his standard room, number 79 on floor 4. Don’t stop at the reception, just take the elevator up and knock on the door three times, what name do you want him to call you?"

"Um…" the question completely blindsided him. "Dean?"

"Is it Dean?" she asked, obviously not satisfied with his questioning tone.

"Yeah." He agreed, wondering what Cas would think of it. How long before an appointment he got to know the names.

"Okay then, Dean." She said, emphasizing his name in a way that told him she wasn’t certain it was his real name and he felt relieved at that. She had after all not asked his name, only what he would like to be called. "7:30 at the Elysium this Friday, room 79, floor 4, three knocks. Do you want to give me an email address so I can forward the information?"

"No, I’ll remember." He mumbled, feeling embarrassed for no good reason except he was buying a whore. Not a stripper for fun because Sam needed to loosen up on his own goddamn birthday but an honest to God _male hooker_. This his couldn’t blame on spontaneity, this was real. " How do we do the paying?"

"Do you want to leave your bank statements?"

Dean cringed so much he almost thought she would be able to tell through the phone. "Not really."

"Then it’s cash up front." Yeah, she sounded kind of smug but Dean could live with that. "The standard fee is 200 dollars per hour, and Castiel is well versed in the menu if you wish to order off but have in mind that prices can soar quickly."

"I think standard’ll be enough." His voice was pitched much too highly for his own liking and he imagined that Meg woman smirking at him but fuck, he just wanted to talk to Cas.

"200 it is then, thank you for your patronage."

"Yeah." Dean mumbled and waited to hang up until she had.

God this whole deal felt sordid. He felt so dirty he had to take a shower before Sam came home and it was impossible to say if it was the hot water or if it was the thought of meeting Cas again that made him warm but Dean stubbornly decided to not care right now.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean sat on the couch, willing the time to go faster because fuck, he couldn’t be sitting here much longer without breaking out in a sweat.

At first he had thought 7:30 was perfect, it would give him enough time to get home from work, take a shower and maybe eat something. But now, now that he was ready, sitting here staring at the little digital clock on Sammy’s TV-box he started to realize how ridiculous he was behaving.

First of all, this wasn’t a fucking date, alright? Let’s get that straight. He was hooking up with a… well, with a hooker and he better well remember that. And second, this wouldn’t be a date even if Cas wasn’t a prostitute because Cas was a dude and Dean just wanted to hang out with his new and accepting friend, that was all. Didn’t really explain why he had showered and put on his good cologne but there you had it.

Dean was still sitting on the couch, staring at the clock and tapping out _Stairway to Heaven_ against his knee when Sam walked in the door.

" Dean?" Sam walked around the couch when Dean only grunted in greeting. "What are you doing?"

Dean glanced up, not really inclined to talk to his brother right now. Was frankly afraid he would say too much because Sam was sharp. "Just passing time, Sammy."

"Okay." Sam did that thing with his eyebrows that told Dean this conversation wasn’t over but he relented enough to actually leave Dean alone for a couple of minutes. "Going somewhere?" he asked when he emerged from the kitchen with a sandwich in hand.

"Yeah." Dean admitted, not really seeing the point in lying when he had one of his better shirts on.

"Dean." Sam said again and fuck if his tone hadn’t gotten more concerned. Dean wanted to leave already but it was still too early. Maybe he could go have a drink? "Can I ask you something without you biting my head off?"

Dean sighed. He hated this, hated that everyone was either walking on eggshells around him or trying too hard to cheer him up. Okay, so he maybe had a tendency to "overreact" as Sammy put it but he was trying here, okay?

"What is it?" he tried to keep his tone neutral, more irritated that Sam assumed he would get angry than actually irritated about the question itself.

"Are you seeing Lisa again?"

"What?" okay, that didn’t make him angry at all, just confused. He turned to his obviously concerned brother with raised eyebrows. "Why would I? She fucking cheated me out of a kid, I know I’ve been stupid about her before but—"

"Okay." Sam said, holding up his hands, half-eaten sandwich in one, and Dean realized he probably had sounded pretty mad after all. He closed his mouth and swallowed. "It’s just," Sam sighed audibly and carded his unoccupied hand through his much too long hair. "It’s just you kind of stopped moping, I mean, you’re not moping as much as I thought you would and…" he sat down and glanced at Dean when Dean just pursed his lips. "You’ve stayed out late a couple of nights and last week you had a hickey, so…"

Dean unconsciously raised his hand to his neck. He hadn’t had a hickey, had he? Like some kind of high school girl. Dean didn’t get hickeys, he gave them and since he had met Lisa he hadn’t even done that.

"It was a bug bite." He muttered, trying not to blush at the memory of Cas kissing his neck as he jerked Dean off.

"Dean." Sam said, frustration evident in his voice but Dean had heard enough.

"I’m not seeing Lisa again, ever." He stated sternly and rose. "I’m going out, _not_ meeting Lisa." He gave Sam a pointed glare but Sam just remained sitting on the couch, looking a little forlorn.

Maybe he thought Dean was lying or maybe he thought Dean had reverted back to his bar-hopping days that Lisa effectively had put an end to. Either way Dean wasn’t very interested in telling his little brother the truth so he just left him sitting there and headed out to get a finger of whisky before he went to the hotel.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean held his breath as he knocked three times on the door to room number 79. Fuck was he nervous. The desk clerk hadn’t even glanced at Dean and that had just given him proof enough that this indeed was one of _those_ kinds of hotels. He had been suspicious when that Meg had called number 79 Cas’ " standard room" and now he knew, didn’t he? Knew that this was the hotel Crowley’s whores took their johns to. And now Dean was one of them.

He had almost started walking away before Cas opened the door. "Dean." He smiled that secret smile of his. "Right on time."

Dean tried smiling too but felt too much like a tool for it. Was it bad that he was on time? And why was Cas’ smile making Dean nervous and comforted at the same time? Was that even possible?

"Hi." He mumbled and felt so goddamn stupid he just wanted to slap himself.

Cas’ smile widened and he stepped back to invite Dean in. He closed and locked the door behind Dean but Dean didn’t even notice, too busy taking in the room. It looked like any other hotel room and Dean caught himself trying to find something out of the ordinary but he didn’t know what. Something that would put him off this whole deal? A used condom? A syringe? He knew he was being stupid.

"I wasn’t certain it would be you." Cas said and when Dean turned around he noticed that Cas was barefoot but he didn’t know why he even registered that. "I hoped but I didn’t know."

Yeah, Dean’s chest totally constricted at that. Weird. "I stated my name." He said with a smile and Cas nodded.

"Many men are name Dean, Dean." He smiled his crow’s feet smile and Dean was distracted by the sight.

"I guess." Dean mumbled, dumfounded because he knew no one else that was.

"Now," Cas gestured to the bed and Dean only then noticed that it was the only available place to sit. How convenient. "Tell me what you want for the evening? Did the girls tell you what to expect?"

"Um…" Dean eyed the bed but remained standing. So did Cas. "Meg told me the hourly rate but she didn’t say what that included and… And she mentioned a menu?" he half-asked, half-stated without really looking at Cas but he could see the man nodding in the corner of his eye.

"The hourly rate includes the standard, pretty much what we have done before only with a little more… Touching."

Dean jumped high when he noticed how close Cas suddenly was. "_Jesus_." He wheezed, clutching his chest but Cas just grinned at him. " You should wear a fucking bell."

Cas chuckled. "Why don’t you sit down, Dean? Relax."

Dean watched warily as Cas climbed on the bed, graceful as ever and how the fuck was that even possible? Literally everyone looked stupid climbing on a bed but of course Cas looked like a fish in the water. Dean tore his eyes away, fiddling with his wallet before producing two $100 bills and putting them on the dresser opposite the bed.

"I’m not sure what I’m doing here." He mumbled after he made sure Cas saw the money and Cas tilted his head to the side, watching Dean quietly for a moment.

"You paid for this, Dean." He stated calmly in his deep voice. "We will do whatever you want." He sat back against the headboard, on top of the covers, and patted the bed beside him. "This doesn’t have to be any different than us talking in your car."

Dean nodded because yeah, that was exactly what he wanted, wasn’t it? He sat down on the edge of the bed, tied off his boots and swung his legs up so he was sitting beside Cas. The bed was wide enough that they could both sit there without touching and Dean didn’t know if he liked that or not. Would maybe have preferred to have to be forced to touch Cas so he wouldn’t have to make it a conscious decision. But anyway, here he was, sitting on a bed together with another man and maybe it wouldn’t be so different than when he and Sam shared beds when they were little?

Except it totally was and it was made glaringly clear when Cas scooted closer and put his hand down on the bed so that his knuckles brushed Dean’s thigh. Dean swallowed.

"I looked for you yesterday." He mumbled without looking at Cas. "I booked this so I could be sure I would see you again."

"I’m sorry." Cas said quietly and Dean thought he really sounded sorry. "I was with other clients but I missed you, I was looking for your car the whole week."

Dean grimaced, not sure what was worse. That Cas’ words indicated that Dean was just another client — which he was, get a grip Winchester — or that he found himself desperately hoping it was true that Cas had missed him.

"I’ve been looking for an apartment." He said instead, needing to get normalcy back between them because what the hell else he was thinking about was certainly killing his mood.

"Yeah?" Cas asked and turned more fully to Dean. "Tell me."

Dean finally relaxed. He leaned back against the headrest, tilting his head back and looking at the ceiling as he spoke. He told Cas about what living with Sam was like and Cas laughed at all the right places, playfully chiding Dean at others.

He told Cas about John and work and he knew without even looking that Cas was not a fan of the tough love act. He told Cas about Lisa and her visit. He told Cas about his insecurities and how he had started doubting his decision and Cas gave him just the right amount of encouragement to make him see that he was right, had been right all along.

In short, Dean talked about everything and by the end of it he felt emotionally drained. He never talked like this, ever. And he never really wanted to either, had never understood peoples’ needs to express what they were feeling all the goddamn time but with Cas… it felt both as if he was talking to himself and as if he was talking to the only person who really got him.

He turned his head and looked at Cas, only then noticing that he had slid down the bed a little so that he was almost lying down more than sitting. Cas had followed him down, apparently.

"What are you thinking about, Dean?" Cas asked when the sudden quietness had gone on for too long. His voice was soft and smooth, making Dean feel safe. There would be no wrong answer with Cas.

"Are you for real?" he asked suddenly and stupidly and Cas blinked for a second before smiling broadly, showing both gums and crow’s feet.

"That’s the second time you’ve asked me that." He said almost cheekily and yeah, Dean blushed but Cas was too good to be true. Even if it was an act Dean had a hard time imagining anyone would want to spend this much time talking to him, especially like this.

"Can… Can we touch, a little?" he mumbled, looking down.

Cas immediately moved closer. "Do you want me to hold you like last time?"

Dean made a half-shrug. "Maybe like this?"

They were lying almost face to face and Cas just moved his left arm over to drape it over Dean’s shoulders and pull him in closer. Close enough to be chest to chest, Dean’s left arm tapped awkwardly between them but Cas wriggled his other arm around Dean as well and pulled again so that Dean ended up half-way over Cas. It was snug and when Dean looked up they were mere inches apart, if that. Cas’ breath ghosted over Dean’s lips.

"You know you’re safe with me, Dean." Cas said calmingly, his voice a low rumble in his chest and yeah, Dean totally fisted Cas’ tee. "You shouldn’t feel nervous about asking me things, I will never deny you."

Dean looked up into Cas’ immensely blue eyes and wanted nothing more in that moment than for that to be true. And not true because Dean was paying Cas for it to be so but because Cas wanted that too. Because Cas wanted Dean happy for real and wanted to do anything to make it so. Dean had a startling realization just then.

"Can I kiss you?" he whispered, afraid of his sudden need and of the request in itself.

Cas looked at him for a moment. "Only if you want to." He said then and Dean swallowed against a lump before shaking his head.

His looked down and wanted to bury his face but thought of Lisa calling him a coward. "I want _you_ to kiss _me_. And I want it to feel like you want it too."

He looked up just in time to see Cas’ nostrils flare as the man drew a sharp breath. Cas’ eyes had darkened but before Dean could make something of it Cas had suddenly leaned forward and fuck, their lips were touching.

The kiss started out just like that, lips touching tenderly and Dean thought it wasn’t so different from a woman’s kiss but then Cas put a hand on the back of Dean’s head, fingers twining in Dean’s short hair to turn his head roughly to the side and fuck, the kiss just intensified to levels Dean hadn’t known for forever.

Cas’ lips were warm and soft and so, so insistent. He move Dean’s head to one side even as he tilted his to the other and fuck, that was his tongue. Dean opened more on reflex than anything else because holy shit, Cas was sliding his tongue inside Dean’s mouth. Cas’ kiss suddenly changed to hot and slick and fucking owning.

Cas practically growled and deepened the kiss when Dean gasped, forcing Dean back down on the bed so that Cas was the one half-way on top. Fuck, Dean was already fattening up in his jeans. The thought both terrified and exited him.

Cas kissed like there was no other option, no other way of life, like kissing was air and he was drowning and Dean fucking loved it. Dean was hot and desperate, Cas cool and in control even as he licked Dean’s mouth open.

Dean made a startled sound when Cas gently nipped at his lower lip and it made Cas draw back but Dean didn’t want that, hadn’t meant for that sound to escape, so he followed and licked his own way inside Cas’ mouth.

And fuck yes, Cas groaned when Dean took the initiative. That, if anything, made Dean forget how the feel of Cas’ scruff probably should put him off and how it didn’t. How the feel of Cas’ dick pressing against Dean’s hip should make him draw back and how he didn’t. Fuck, he just about forgot everything because Cas shifted his body weight to press down more heavily on Dean and Dean wasn’t even sure he could have thrown Cas off even if he wanted to. Cas didn’t weight as much as Dean, that was true, but he felt wiry and Dean suspected he was stronger than he looked. It made it exhilarating.

Then, just as Dean had to start fighting his hips from bucking up because he wasn’t ready to go there yet, the phone on the bedside table rang.

Dean jerked, too caught in the moment not to get surprised, but Cas just sighed and slid off Dean. He didn’t answer, just lifted the receiver without answering and dropped it back down to make it stop ringing. Then he was back on the bed again but sitting on the edge and the expanse of bed between them suddenly felt enormous.

"That was our time." Cas said with a smile but Dean barely heard him. He could only focus on Cas’ clearly dilated pupils. You couldn’t fake that, could you?

Sure, Dean had felt Cas’ hard-on but somehow seeing the man’s eyes confirmed it more for him. Confirmed that Cas had liked kissing just as much as Dean had. That, maybe, he hadn’t had to fake wanting to kiss Dean. Dean didn’t even try to hide his blush.

"Okay." He mumbled and tried adjusting his hard dick when he sat up. He noticed Cas’ eyes tracing the movement.

"I hate to leave a client unsatisfied." Cas said slowly and fuck, was his voice hoarser than usual? "But I am on a schedule on Fridays and Saturdays." He looked up to meet Dean’s eyes and Dean wanted to very much for that remorse to be genuine.

Dean just swallowed and nodded curtly. "I get it, no problem man." Because, really, no problem. He had just wanted to talk to Cas anyway and he had gotten that, no fuss. He actually felt pretty good, despite his dick clearly weeping.

Cas rose when Dean did and they walked together to the door after Dean had put his boots back on. Dean wanted to say something, to maybe lean down and kiss Cas again, maybe push him up against the wall, maybe have Cas do that to him…

He wasn’t entirely certain what was happening here but all he knew was that he had gotten rock hard from kissing Cas and he wasn’t even sorry he hadn’t gotten off. Just wanted to be back in Cas’ embrace.

Cas smiled widely when Dean paused with his hand on the door handle. He reached up with one hand to turn Dean’s head so he could graze his lips against Dean’s even as his other hand wormed its way down to cup Dean’s still very interested dick.

"Don’t wait for too long, Dean." He mumbled against Dean’s trembling lips. "Let me take care of this soon."

"Y-yeah." Dean answered, totally breathless and fuck if he wasn’t smiling like a dork all the way to Baby.

As he drove home the weight of what he had done settled in, however. Slowly, like a creeping fog, Dean realized that he had fucking kissed a man. And liked it. Not only let a man sexually pleasure him but actually actively participated, and wanted more. He could claim all he wanted that Cas was just a replacement for a best friend but the fucking truth was that best friends didn’t go around kissing each other, right? This… this was fucked up.

He sat for a full fifteen minutes in the Impala before he climbed the stairs up to Sammy’s apartment, head dizzy with realizations, denials and barely repressed arousal.

  
  


*****

  
  


"I may have a problem."

Balthazar narrowed his eyes but didn’t step away from his closet. "If you’re thinking of eating all of my Oreos you’re definitely gonna have a problem."

Castiel rolled his eyes and plucked another cookie from the box. "What’s the most important rule?"

Balthazar held up a shirt in front of his bare chest, looking himself over in the mirror. "Make sure they’re not cops." He stated distractedly.

"After that."

"Make sure they actually have money."

Castiel sighed and noisily chewed on the Oreo. Balthazar glared at him through the mirror. "_After_ that."

" Check for guns or other harmful devices."

"God Balth!" Castiel threw his hands up in defeat. "Don’t get attached to a john."

Balthazar smirked, obviously triumphant in making his normally stoic friend burst like that. "I actually think you’re referring to the _remember your place_ rule but I get you, go on."

Castiel slumped back against the wall behind his friend’s bed, turning his thoughts over. Would it be smart to tell Balthazar any of this? Sure, he trusted Balthazar more than any of his other friends but saying it out loud would perhaps make it worse. More real, if nothing else.

A silence settled between the two men as Castiel thought and Balthazar tried on clothes. Castiel watched detachedly as his hands shook slightly and counted backwards, trying to figure out how long it had been. A couple of hours at least.

"Do you think Alastair’s in yet?" he asked suddenly.

"Not until two." Balthazar answered, his voice lowered and with his back turned. "Two on Sundays."

Yes, that was right. It was Sunday today, one of Cas’ and Balthazar’s two days off and thank God for that because Mondays were check-ups and scheduling so they weren’t really free. And Fridays and Saturdays were always hard but yesterday had been worse than usual, for so many reasons. He wished that he could have more time off but Crowley was generous as it was, giving them a whole day and a half to themselves. He had to remember that.

"What time is it?"

"Cassie." The bed dipped when Balthazar sat down beside him, still only half-dressed. "How bad is it?"

Cas didn’t hear the question, too unfocused all of a sudden. And besides, his hand barely shook at all when he reached out to touch his friend’s shoulder, so smooth and almost free of blemishes. Yes, Crowley sure knew how to pick his whores, Castiel thought as he let his hand drift down the smooth expanse of Balthazar’s back. How long had it been since he had touched Balthazar like this? Friday, surely? Yes, Mr. Roman sure loved to watch two men fuck and he paid good. Good enough that Castiel’s share was big enough, _had to be_ big enough.

" When does Alastair get in?" he asked again and Balthazar turned more fully to him, grasping Castiel’s shaking hands in his.

"How long has it been, Cassie?"

"What?" Castiel’s sight felt unfocused but he could distinctly make out Balthazar frowning.

"Tell me about your problem with attachment." Balthazar implored, obviously trying to take Cas’ mind off the way his skin felt too taut.

He blinked a couple of time, realizing sluggishly that it really had been too long if he had gotten sidetracked from their conversation that easily, from a conversation he had started. He glanced at the bedside clock and its green digits told him he would be alright, soon. He had enough money this time and Alastair would be in soon.

"I think…" he started slowly and mutely accepted the cookie when Balthazar pressed it in his hand. "I think next time Dean comes around you should probably take him."

"Okay." Balthazar nodded and kissed Castiel’s cheek as he chewed slowly, the rest of the Oreo a crumble in his hand. "Anything, love." The next kiss landed on Castiel’s lips and when Castiel licked them clean Balthazar slid his tongue inside. For comfort, for reassurance, and Castiel let him. He fell pliantly into his friend’s embrace. "Anything." Balthazar repeated when Castiel slumped against him in a heap of boneless limbs.

They sat for a while, Balthazar rocking his friend as Castiel sunk deeper into the disturbing thoughts his downs always brought. Fast, he had dropped too fast from his high this time and Castiel was scared under his lethargy.

  
  


*****

  
  


"God, Dean, this is the sixth apartment today!" Sam flung his hands up in defeat as they exited the complex, Dean shaking his head.

"It was too crowded."

"Too crowded my ass, what are you looking for anyway? A palace?"

Dean snorted as they slid into the Impala. "Three rooms, is that too much to ask?"

"First of all," Sam started, epic bitch-face and all. "What was wrong with that one up on Davey Glen? And second, what the hell do you need two bedrooms for anyway? Not even I have that."

"First of all," Dean mocked but cleared his throat when Sam huffed in irritation. He did after all want his brother’s help. "The one on Davey was too expensive and second," he glanced at Sam when he stopped at a red light. Sam had his arms crossed and looked pretty damn tired with Dean’s pickiness. "If _my_ brother needs a place to crash he shouldn’t have to live on the couch." Yeah, he was being petty, so sue him.

Sam huffed again, hair flapping grumpily. "If _I_ ever needed to stay somewhere else and it couldn’t be Jess’ then I’d just go to mom and dad."

Dean snorted again. "No you fucking wouldn’t, don’t lie to me. I know why you got your own apartment despite you barely being able to work with Stanford up your ass and despite you only moving to Palo Alto, it’s not ever that far Sammy. Don’t tell me it wouldn’t be easier to just live at home." Sam was practically pouting when Dean glanced over. "Yeah, didn’t think so. No one wants to be 24 and still live with mommy and daddy, let alone 28."

"But Dean," Sam sighed loudly. "You wouldn’t be _living_ with them, you’re not living with me, are you?"

Sam sounded a little too pleading for Dean’s taste but okay, his brother had a point. "Just gonna check this last one too, Sammy." He mumbled and Sam sighed so hard Dean thought he ought to pass out soon what with him expelling air all the time.

"Is it even necessary? It’s probably a rundown dump anyway, it’s too close to downtown."

Dean knew it was, of course he did. But that wasn’t the reason he wanted to look at it, no sir. It was cheap and big and not at all too far from Dean’s job. And close to Cas’… Dean should just maybe turn around right now before he did something stupid. It was already Wednesday, which meant he had waited too long to see Cas again and it made Dean stupid. He felt it like an itch under his skin. Felt the insistent need to talk to the other man. So they had kissed, so Dean had liked it, so what? It didn’t matter and it didn’t change anything, didn’t _have to_ change anything. At least, that was what Dean hoped. He really needed to talk to Cas about it, wanted the man’s soothing voice to take his cares away.

In fact, he was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice he had turned the corner and started down Cas’ street. This would be a detour and he knew it before Sam opened his big mouth.

"Um, Dean?"

"I know, I know, I wasn’t looking." Dean groused but now that he was here he couldn’t _not_ look, could he? It was well into the evening, specifically a little later than the two other times he had been here but the street was just as crowded.

There were men and women walking up and down the street but it was hard to tell the difference between Cas’ colleagues and the regular people. Most of the shops were still open so Dean figured a lot of the people were just out shopping. It didn’t matter, though, because there was only one face he was looking for. But carefully, mindful that he had Sam in the passenger seat. Sam, who obviously couldn’t shut the fuck up for two minutes straight.

"Why are you going below the speed limit, Dean?"

"Is that Lisa?" Dean asked suddenly, pointing in a general direction and hoping to distract Sam enough because fucking hell, that was Cas.

Cas was standing a little ways down the street, talking to an older man. The man was squeezing Cas’ arm and Cas was smiling invitingly, inclining his head to a car that was parked not far from them.

"I don’t think that’s Lisa." Sam said but Dean didn’t even hear him.

He had stopped the Impala half-way between the middle of the street and the curb but there were no other cars at the moment and Dean didn’t fucking care anyhow because Cas was getting in the car with that man and Dean _saw_. Saw money exchange hands and saw how Cas bent down over the man’s lap before they had even pulled away from the curb.

Dean was gripping the wheel so tight his knuckles were white and he could hear Sammy talking again but continued to ignore him because he had just spotted that man Cas had seemed so familiar with, the one that had tried picking Dean up once. He was standing just a little bit from where Dean was sat and he looked sad. The man glanced over his shoulder and then turned his body so that the car Cas was in was suddenly shielded from Dean’s sight. Or, if Dean read that man’s look right, so that Dean was shielded from the sight of the car.

Dean pressed his lips together and met the man’s eyes, even from this distance. The man smiled sadly and shook his head slightly but Dean had no way of knowing what that was supposed to mean. _Not for you_ , maybe, but Dean didn’t think the man looked like that kind of douche.

"Dean!" Dean startled at the high sound of Sam shouting at him. "What the hell? Are you parking or what are you doing?"

"Sorry." Dean mumbled and pulled out into the street again to drive away, careful to turn in the opposite direction of the car that carried Cas away from him.

"I didn’t think you still were that hung up on Lisa, dude." Sam muttered. "I mean, I know you were together for a long time and all but you sounded kind of like you had made up your mind."

Dean didn’t know what to say so he just mumbled another apology and let the uncomfortable silence settle between them.

Later that night when he once again was snuggled up on Sam’s lumpy couch because let’s face it, that apartment had been shit, he made up his mind. He wouldn’t go back to the street tomorrow but he would make a phone call. And he _would_ see Cas again.

  
  



	4. You overwhelm me

  
  


"Welcome to the Elysium Mr. Pa—Dean?" Cas’ eye widened and he poked his head out the door to look down the hall. "What are you doing here?"

Dean felt both smug and for some reason arrogant. "Expecting someone else, Cas?" he asked and crossed his arms when Cas just looked confusedly at him.

"Actually—"

"Like a Mr. Page, perhaps?"

Cas’ eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I’m looking right at him, aren’t I?"

Yeah, okay, his tone kind of made Dean falter a little. Damn, Cas was quick but Dean guessed he kind of had to be in his line of work.

"Yeah." He admitted in a decidedly less arrogant tone.

Cas clicked his tongue. "Come in."

He left Dean at the door and Dean followed dutifully, locking the door himself this time. "Are you mad?" he asked tentatively, feeling like a schoolboy all of a sudden. "I just wanted to see you."

Cas turned around in the middle of the little room. "Of course I’m not mad." He said in a soft voice. "I was just surprised, you don’t have to use a fake name to see me, Dean."

Dean bobbed his head in agreement but couldn’t really meet Cas’ eyes. "I just wanted to see what you would look like greeting someone else."

It sounded so fucking stupid when he said it out loud but it was the truth. After he had seen Cas getting into that car on Wednesday he hadn’t been able to think about anything else. Of course he knew that Cas was a whore and he wasn’t an idiot, he knew exactly what that entailed. But a part of him had kind of hoped that that secret smile Cas gave him was only for him. That maybe he wouldn’t smile like that when he opened the door of his hotel room to just anyone.

So Dean had tricked Cas to get to know the answer and now he knew. And the answer made him warm inside even through the guilt of tricking his friend.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked and Dean was immensely glad the man wasn’t catching on.

"Doesn’t matter." He mumbled and smiled sheepishly at Cas when his brow furrowed in confusion. "Anyway, I’ll pay and all, would it be so bad to spend time with me instead of those other guys?"

Cas relaxed visibly at that. "Of course not." He said and fucking yes, there was that smile. That little tug on the corner of his lips that made Dean swell with pride because that smile was his, fuck the rest of you. "I would much rather tend to you, lord knows I’ve had enough weirdos this week." He muttered the last part and Dean didn’t know if he was meant to hear it but he did anyway.

He wondered briefly if he should tell Cas that he really wanted to book him so no one else could, because the thought of other people touching Cas made Dean’s skin crawl, but he decided against it. Was frankly not sure why he felt like that and would rather not talk about it at all. 

"Oh yeah?" he grinned. "Met some freaks lately?"

Cas looked almost surprised for a second and Dean liked that, liked that he could turn the tables a little on the normally so controlled man. But the look was soon enough replaced with an answering grin and Cas nodded.

"You have no idea. I’d love to tell you but you know," he made a show of locking his lips. "Client confidentiality and all."

"Really?" Dean asked, a little surprised actually, and sat down on the bed when Cas motioned for him to do so. "I’d have thought you all gossiped like hell."

"Of course, you should hear us at our weekly slumber parties." Cas laughed in a low rumbled and Dean’s chest felt warm. "Seriously though, maybe others do but Crowley have clear rules for us so no talking, at least not details or names."

It made Dean feel better about this. He hadn’t really thought about it before but what if Cas actually went about talking about what Dean had told him? He felt awkward enough just opening his mouth around Cas, no one could know, ever. So yeah, this made Dean feel a little better.

He turned to Cas and smiled, only now realizing they were both on the bed. When he was by himself, at home where everything was supposed to be normal, he had a hard time thinking about what he had done with Cas but now, here, it sure was easy to forget what he was supposed to do and not do. He liked that he didn’t have to watch himself around Cas.

So yeah, they had kissed last time and yes, Dean had had a freak-out about it. Except it had pretty much ended when he realized he still wanted to see Cas again. That and he hadn’t gotten off for a whole goddamn week. First there had been the stress of the freak-out, then he had seen Cas in that car, and then he just… well, it didn’t really do it for him right now. Cas had told him to come back so he could take care of Dean and that memory made Dean hot all over. Especially now when they were back on this bed, Cas smiling ever so slightly at him.

Dean realized with a little start that they had just been sitting there, staring at each other. He looked away and cleared his throat with blushing cheeks.

"What did you have in mind for tonight, Dean?" Cas asked then, clearly amused by Dean’s schoolgirl antics.

Okay, Dean hadn’t thought that far ahead this time. Just wanted Cas to smile at him like that and never, ever touch a stranger again. Couldn’t very well say that, though.

"What did you think you would have to do? To Mr. Page, I mean."

Cas tilted his head to the side and looked thoughtful for a moment and Dean thought for sure his stupid charade had been called upon.

"Well," Cas started then and didn’t sound mad or nothing. Dean breathed a small sigh of relief. "Since I believed Mr. Page was kind of new to this I just thought I would take it slow, hedge my way through it. Usually it’s pretty easy to tell what they want. Usually it’s sex." Cas smiled suddenly and Dean found himself mirroring it. "I was hoping he’d be good looking and that maybe he would get straight to the sex, that maybe it would be good."

"Yeah?" Dean asked and didn’t even realize his voice had lowered.

Cas nodded. "Most of my male clients like to fuck me but they’re not all good. And I have this one guy who always just fingers me until he comes but I rarely get to, it’s infuriating. I was hoping Mr. Page wouldn’t do something like that."

Dean swallowed, suddenly very much warmer than he had been just a second ago. "Why don’t you get to come?" he asked and yeah, his voice was a deep murmur now and were Cas’ fingers twitching?

"Some men don’t like that. And some like to see me flustered. That one guy, though, he just does it because he’s an ass—no, you know what?" Cas tapped his lips. "Confidentiality, right?" he laughed and settled more comfortable against the headboard. "You make me say too much, Dean."

Fuck, that one statement made Dean’s chest tighter than he thought it would and he desperately wished it was true. He remembered the way Cas had looked when he opened the door for Mr. Page and how he looked when he opened for Dean and thought that maybe it was true. He felt breathless.

"When you say they finger you, do you mean…" he looked down at his own fingers, unconsciously flexing them. "In the ass?"

Cas nodded and didn’t laugh because Dean was never stupid when he was with Cas. "Yes, outside, inside, the prostate."

"Is… Is it good?" he asked, cheeks burning but he held Cas’ gaze.

"Very." Cas nodded at his own statement. "I like it very much and I could come from it, I really could, if they’d just…" he trailed off and shook his head with a fond smile. "But no matter, what do _you_ want, Dean? I hate to say it but the clock is ticking even though we don’t do anything."

Dean caught himself at that. First of all, he liked that they were talking like this, about stuff that concerned Cas for a change. And second, he hadn’t even paid yet but Cas allowed this conversation to carry on anyway. That made Dean feel lightheaded to be frank and he knew exactly what he wanted all of a sudden.

"Can we do that?"

"Do what?"

Fuck, Cas looked almost adorable when he tilted his head like that and Dean wasn’t even ashamed to admit it anymore. He held up his right hand and scissored his fingers a little.

"In the ass?"

Cas blinked once. "You want to give me a prostate massage?"

"N-no." Dean cleared his throat and plunged ahead. "I mean, maybe some time but I… If you’d like, I’d…"

Cas was suddenly pressed up against Dean’s right side, his mouth inches from Dean’s heated cheeks. "Do you want me to give you one?"

"I-I…"

Fuck. Fucking _fuck_ , Dean felt out of his comfort zone but for some reason his dick was already hardening and he had trouble controlling his breathing. He wanted Cas to touch him and he wanted what Cas had been telling him about, alright? Just couldn’t fucking figure out why he wanted it but as Cas’ breath ghosted over his face he wanted it even more.

He couldn’t answer but he could nod curtly and fuck, was that a shudder going through Cas’ body? It was, wasn’t it?

"I-I have money, Cas, so…" he got up in a rather stiff manner to dig out his wallet. He had brought quite a bit, actually, not knowing what to expect of himself or Cas and just look where he was now; half-hard in his jeans with Cas on the bed and shit, Cas’ pupils were totally dilated and Dean hadn’t imagined that last time and—he took a deep breath as Cas got up from the bed.

"Dean." He said and his tone was calm and steadying but fuck, his voice was all gravelly. "Don’t do something you’re not comfortable with."

"I want…" Dean paused to swallow and halfheartedly pulled a random amount from his wallet. "I just don’t know, um, I mean, I think…"

Cas grabbed two $100 bills and pocketed them. "You think too much." He said kindly and smiled his secret smile. A decidedly interested throb went through Dean’s dick. "Do you know about BDSM, Dean?" Cas asked as he took Dean’s wallet from him, folding it closed. Dean swallowed again and shook his head when Cas reached behind him to press the wallet back into Dean’s back pocket.

Shit, Cas was standing so close and now his hands were touching Dean’s butt and Dean had a hard time focusing on… well anything, really.

"I-I mean, I know _of_ it..." he mumbled and Cas nodded.

" Well, do you know about safe words?" he smiled again when Dean nodded and his nimble fingers lingered on the swell of Dean’s ass. "Sometimes, not only in BDSM, you can use safe words and sometimes you can use colors, do you know about the stoplights?"

Dean’s brow furrowed as he tried to concentrate but Cas’ eyes were so brilliantly blue, even with his pupils slowly swallowing his irises. "Green, yellow and red?" he asked and Cas nodded.

"Green means you’re good to go, for when you want more." He murmured and he was so close Dean felt as if the air was vibrating. Cas took a hold on the lapels of Dean’s flannel shirt. "Yellow means you’re maybe a little uncomfortable with what we’re doing at the moment, maybe you want something else, but on the whole you’re willing to continue." He pushed the shirt off Dean’s shoulders and Dean suddenly realized that this was the most naked he had been with Cas. Even last time with all the kissing he had still had all his layers on. As if they were the last barrier and if he took them off it would mean something. He shivered despite him still having his tee on and despite the warmth he felt radiating from Cas. "Red means stop." Cas breathed against Dean’s mouth and Dean trembled. "When I ask you what color, you have to answer me truthfully, do you understand?"

Dean’s mouth was dry and it took him several moments of clicking his tongue to get moisture going enough to talk properly. "Yeah." He mumbled, barely audible, but the grin Cas gave him made him forget to be nervous.

Fuck, Cas looked so pleased and yeah, Dean’s knees were totally buckling. His hands shot up to grip the other man for support and they landed on Cas’ hips. Cas’ tee had ridden up a little when he stretched to undress Dean and Dean felt his thumbs against Cas’ heated body without any cloth in between. Smooth flesh stretched taut over sharp hipbones made Dean pause. They felt so different from Lisa’s, so angular, and he thought that he shouldn’t like it but fuck, he loved it. He grabbed a tighter hold and rubbed little circles with his thumbs and yes, fucking yes, Cas’ breath hitched.

"Get undressed and get on the bed, Dean." Cas commanded in his rough voice and goddamn, Dean’s mind just about melted.

He stepped back and reached down to grab a hold of the hem of his tee, ripping it over his head, as Cas turned around to walk over to the bedside table the phone was on. Dean eyed the other man as he popped the button on his jeans. Yes, he was nervous, and yes, he vaguely realized that he probably shouldn’t want this so much but shit, he really did. His dick was already perking up even as his hands shook as he pulled his jeans and underwear down. It was only then that he noticed that he still had his boots on. He blushed crimson at his own stupidity and was very thankful that Cas still had his back turned and was rummaging around in the drawer.

Dean quickly bent down to undo his boots and slip them off along with his socks. He looked up at a noise just as he was pulling off his left boot and saw that Cas had turned back. He was standing before Dean, eyes dark and an unreadable expression on his face.

"Um…" Dean licked his lips nervously even as his dick jumped from the attention. He was sure he looked like an idiot, kneeling on one leg, still tangled in his clothes and one boot in hand, face red and dick even redder.

"Beautiful." Cas murmured and Dean’s eyes widened because surely he hadn’t heard right? For one, he looked like a total mess sitting here like this and two, men weren’t beautiful, were they?

He licked his lips again and could clearly see Cas’ dick twitching in his pants. He rose maybe a little too quickly and felt lightheaded what with all his blood in his lower body and all. 

"On the bed." Cas ordered gently and Dean shuddered when Cas watched with lidded eyes as he flailed out of his clothes and climbed on to lie on his back, his head resting comfortably against the pillows.

He resisted the urge to touch himself but only very barely. Fucking hell, he had never been turned on like this before and they hadn’t even touched yet. Dean’s mind reeled to think about what it would feel like when Cas’ hands touched his skin, unhindered by clothes. He felt anxious and exposed as Cas let his brilliant blues rake down Dean’s body but Dean found he liked it. Liked being at Cas’ mercy. He was safe here, safe with Cas, and that thought made his blood boil pleasantly.

"Cas." He whispered after a while, his voice a rough rasp, and Cas’ eyelids fluttered as he shut his eyes momentarily.

Dean was just about to ask when he noticed Cas adjusting himself in his pants. Dean’s dick gave a needy throb and he had to fight to keep a moan back. He all of a sudden remembered very vividly what Cas’ dick had felt like against Dean’s hand as he came in his pants. Fuck it felt a lifetime ago but Dean felt as if he could still feel it sometimes.

"Make yourself comfortable, Dean, I will be right back." Cas ground out in a voice clearly made for sex and yes, Dean’s hips totally raised at the sound and yes, Cas noticed.

Even so, Dean found himself alone in the room as Cas did whatever he needed in the bathroom and it wasn’t good. He thought he heard water running and he felt anxious, and not in a good way, without Cas’ eyes on him. He rather quickly started questioning what the hell he was doing and was just about to get up and get dressed again when Cas emerged. The sight of him made Dean freeze. Cas’ lower lip was red and swollen as if he had been biting it and his cheeks were flushed. If Dean didn’t know better he would say that Cas had rubbed one out in the bathroom but his dick looked fat in his pants. Dean could clearly see it, not tenting as much as resting against the man’s left hip but fuck, it looked so intriguing.

His eyes flicked up to Cas’ and he was met with a calming smile and it made him settle down against the pillows again.

"I nearly left." He admitted with flushed cheeks and saw that Cas nodded, not looking surprised at all and it made Dean feel stupid.

"What is your color, Dean?" Cas asked and even though whatever he had done in the bathroom had calmed him down a little his voice was still whisky-rough and Dean loved it.

"Green, now." He answered without meeting Cas’ eyes but he saw the man nodding.

"Do you want to put your clothes back on? We can do this with them on."

Dean didn’t know how they would manage that and just thought it sounded messy and warm. They had done messy and warm before and he was already naked so he shook his head, pressing his lips together. Cas smiled and climbed on the bed, still fully clothed and for some reason that translated as sexy as fuck.

He reached out with one hand and Dean nearly jerked away when Cas touched his calf. He managed to stay still, though, and Cas waited to move further until Dean nodded. Cas’ hand on him felt like fire raking up and down his body. Fuck, it was much smoother than Dean’s own hands but there was no way pretending this was a chick touching him like this and he didn’t want to either. Dean had been with quite a few women before he settled down with Lisa and no one, not even Lisa, had made him feel like this from just a touch. Liked liquid fire.

Dean barely noticed when Cas moved higher up the bed, forcing Dean legs apart gently to settle in between but here he suddenly was. Dean’s hands twitched against the bedspread when he looked down to see Cas sitting on his knees with Dean’s legs spread before him. The man looked like he had won some kind of price and the sight overwhelmed Dean. No one had really looked at him like that, like he was something of wonder to behold. And usually it was him up there, looking down at the women and blessing the fortune that had brought them to him. Now, finding himself on the other side of that adoration, he didn’t know what to do with himself.

His dick, on the other hand, knew perfectly well what it wanted with Cas’ lust-filled gaze. And fuck, you couldn’t fake that kind of look, could you? Either Cas was a damn good whore to coax these reactions out of his own body or Dean was seriously affecting the other man. And by God did Dean hope with was the latter.

He shifted his hips when Cas reached over to the bedside table and Dean just now saw a condom and a tube of lube sitting there. He gulped.

"Only one condom?" he tried joking but the sight of Cas’ lidded eyes made him choke.

"I’m sorry we don’t have more time, Dean, but I will make this memorable for you."

_You already have_ , Dean thought but couldn’t say because fuck, that sounded so lame he just wanted to hurtle himself out window. He nodded instead and forced his hips to remain still when Cas rolled the condom down his hard dick.

The small friction felt divine and yes, he managed to stay still but he couldn’t stop that groan of relief to save his life. He had been hard for too long, for a whole week it felt like, and Cas’ slim fingers around him made his dick throb and leak precome.

Cas smirked but Dean couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed, he just panted lightly and watched as Cas settled back to spread Dean’s pliant legs even wider.

"I will start slowly, Dean." Cas murmured with his eyes trained on Dean’s taint. "You don’t have to wait to tell me your color and I want you to be honest with yourself." He let his fingers graze Dean’s left buttock and the action made Dean’s stomach all squirmy. "And don’t restrain yourself." He looked up even as he moved his fingers closer to Dean’s hole. "I want to hear you, I want you to move, do you understand? What is your color?"

Dean nodded. "Green." He whispered because Cas’ fingertips were brushing against the puckered skin around Dean’s hole and he could feel his whole body go taut in expectation. "It’s green, Cas, just please do it."

That secret little smile flew over Cas’ lips and Dean groaned deeply at the sight. His dick leaked in the condom and he almost cried out when Cas removed his fingers. He watched with almost crazed eyes as Cas coated two of his fingers on his right hand with lube. He then reached out and grabbed Dean’s right leg to pull it up against his chest. His knee nudged Dean’s other leg up and out of the way as he hugged Dean’s thigh with one hand and let the other press gently at Dean’s hole.

Dean fucking moaned at the touch. This position made him feel emasculated and for some fucked up reason he loved it just as much as he had loved everything else with Cas. He fisted the bedspread when Cas brushed his lips against the skin on Dean’s calf and then the pressure against his hole increased. It felt weird but Dean breathed through it and fuck, Cas’ fingertip was inside him now.

He locked eyes with Cas and the man opened his mouth to breathe warmly against Dean’s leg even as his finger delved further. It was a weird stretch and it burned, even with the lube, but Dean didn’t complain because fuck, the look on Cas’ face told Dean that Cas really was enjoying this. Cas’ fingernails were digging little crescent shaped dents in Dean’s skin.

And then suddenly he was in all the way, his thumb pressing gently against Dean’s perineum and _fuckfuckfuck_ , that felt amazing. Cas crooked his finger inside just as he pressed with his thumb and Dean bucked his hips, moaning brokenly when his dick met nothing but air. But the feel of Cas’ finger wriggling inside was good enough that he couldn’t think straight. And then Cas withdrew, slowly, oh so slowly he pulled his finger out and just before Dean embarrassed himself by begging he pushed back in again.

"Ah!" Dean panted open-mouthed and arched his back at the feeling of being invaded like that. Cas licked his calf and Dean’s hips undulated abortively, making him unconsciously clench around Cas’ finger. His dick was hard and heavy, fat as it rested against his hip and it jerked every time Cas pushed inside.

"Touch yourself, Dean." Cas rumbled but Dean shook his head.

"N-no." He groaned, the muscles on his neck taut like thick cords. "Wanna come like this."

Cas breathed sharply against his leg. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah." Dean arched his back again when Cas pushed in with more force. "Fuck, Cas, just like that, please, I-I…"

"We’re just getting started, Dean." Cas rasped against Dean’s sweaty skin and Dean didn’t understand how that could be true. Could he even handle more?

But then another one of Cas’ fingers was pushing its way inside and Dean fucking keened. One of his hands came up to grip at the pillow and the other shot out to find Cas, to find any part of the man that he could touch. He could barely reach anything in this position but he brushed his fingers against Cas’ leg and Cas shifted closer, bending Dean more and fucking hell, that was Cas’ hard-on, now pressed tightly against the back of Dean’s thigh.

"C-Cas." He moaned and didn’t even care how wanton he sounded. He bucked hard against Cas when he heard Cas groan in response. "Cas, fuck I need, I need more, I can’t-can’t take it."

He didn’t even know what he was saying any more, just kept babbling and Cas kept pushing his fingers into Dean’s ass even as he so very gently started rutting his hard dick against Dean’s thigh. And Dean couldn’t fucking hold back. He reached down and grabbed the back of his own knee to pull the leg Cas wasn’t holding up against his stomach and yes, fucking yes, the shift made Cas plunge in deeper.

And there was a spark there, something so overwhelming that Dean actually, for the first time in his life, screamed during sex. The fire Cas’ actions had started flared bright white and Dean couldn’t fucking think. His dick was heavy and leaked a continuous stream as Cas kept prodding at Dean’s prostate, alternating between rubbing and jabbing.

Dean was sweating and bucking as best he could in this position, Cas’ grip on his leg slipping as the other man rolled his hips harder against Dean’s willing body and fuck, Cas’ _fingers_.

" Fuck me." Dean all but sobbed when Cas almost fell against him. "Fuck me, Cas."

"Dean." Cas rumbled and crushed his lips against Dean’s in a harsh kiss even as Dean wrapped his legs around Cas’ waist.

The sensations were becoming unbearable. Cas’ furious kisses, his hard dick, his fingers up Dean ass. Dean couldn’t focus on one thing and didn’t want to but he was so _hard_ , so in need and he gripped Cas desperately as he fucked himself on Cas’ fingers. There was no other way of putting it, this wasn’t a simple prostate massage, this was Cas fucking him and still, still it wasn’t enough.

"I need to come, Cas, it hurts, please, _please_." He pressed out and Cas responded with an unintelligent grunt before he repositioned himself so he could grab Dean’s dick in one hand without having to stop his other ministrations.

Dean fucking whimpered when Cas’ hand wrapped around him and it didn’t take long before he was moaning like a goddamn slut. Fuck, he had wanted to try and come with only Cas’ fingers in his ass but he felt so desperate he didn’t even have it in himself to feel sorry he wouldn’t.

"So beautiful." Cas suddenly rumbled hoarsely and Dean keened again. "You look so good like this, Dean, all on display for me. So very beautiful."

Dean gasped frantically and bucked against Cas, down on his fingers and up into his hand, but it was when Cas leaned down to capture one of Dean’s pebbled nipples that he came.

He shouted hoarsely as his whole body arched up, one of his hands gripping Cas’ hair harshly as the other fisted the man’s tee, pulling him impossibly closer. His dick pulsed in Cas’ steady grip as Cas milked him for everything he had, fingers still pressing against his prostate even as his other hand stripped Dean’s dick through the orgasm.

Dean whimpered pitifully and kept pushing into Cas’ hands long after his dick had stopped spilling in the condom and it was only as his own breathing calmed that he could clearly hear how labored Cas’ still was.

"Cas?" he moaned and arched up into the other man’s body.

Cas sucked in a sharp breath and sat up on his knees, carefully sliding his fingers from Dean’s heated ass. It felt strangely empty when Cas left him and Dean didn’t like the feeling but he didn’t say anything.

"What is your color, Dean?" Cas asked, his head bowed and fuck, his voice had never sounded rougher and was he shaking?

Dean reached out but stopped his hand before he touched Cas. "Green." He cleared his throat. "What’s yours?"

That made Cas look up and fuck, the almost haunted look in his blue eyes made Dean’s breath hitch. "What?"

"Cas, are… Are you okay?" Dean asked uncertainly and propped himself up on his elbows when Cas sat back more.

"Of course, Dean." Cas answered and the tremor in his voice was almost erased now but Dean wasn’t really fooled. He looked down and yes, that was Cas’ dick, clearly still engorged and Dean couldn’t even imagine how the man had been able to hold it but it sure looked like he needed to come right the fuck now. He licked his lips nervously.

"Didn’t you like it?" he asked in a low whisper and immediately regretted his words. Fuck he felt stupid, lying naked and spread before an obviously aroused Cas and asking such a stupid question.

"I did." Cas answered after too many heartbeats. "But this isn’t about me, Dean. This is about you."

Dean’s eyes flew up to meet Cas’ still dilated ones. "Is that why you didn’t come? Fuck, Cas," he scooted up to sit with his back against the headrest and carded a hand through his sweaty hair. "I-I fucked up, didn’t I? I didn’t know I needed to specify what you could do with…" he waved aimlessly at Cas’ crotch. "With yourself. You gotta come if you need to. For fuck’s sake, you’re hurting yourself."

Cas blinked at him a few times, looking extremely surprised and Dean felt awkward under the pressure of Cas’ scrutiny. He looked away for a second and when he looked back he thought he saw… Did Cas look stunned? Was… was what Dean had said not normal? Oh fuck, he had fucked it up even worse, hadn’t he?

"Dean." Cas mumbled and yes, his voice was still raspy. "You don’t have to worry about me, I am here for you."

Dean gritted his teeth and put aside his growing homophobic freak-out — that he had already worked through! God, Winchester — and leaned forwards, gripping Cas arm tightly.

"And maybe I don’t want it like that." He stated fiercely. "Maybe I want it to be a give and take, what do I need to do to get that?" he sat up on his knees to get closer to Cas and the smaller man shuddered visibly. "Is this about money? I will pay you more, just…" he put his hand on Cas’ dick and Cas outright moaned.

Fuck. This wasn’t an accident, this was a very conscious decision and Dean couldn’t argue that any more. And he kind of didn’t want to either, not with the way Cas’ jaw dropped open as he pushed his hard dick against Dean’s hand.

"D-Dean, you—" Cas gasped sharply when Dean wrapped his fingers around the hard length through the fabric of the pants. "You don’t have to, this wasn’t what you wanted."

"Yeah?" Dean muttered as he shifted even closer and Cas’ hands shot up to grab desperately at Dean’s arms. "Well maybe I changed my mind, huh?"

"Dean, wait…" Cas moaned and fuck, Dean was basically sitting in the man’s lap by now. Naked and totally stroking him through his pants. "Wait, I—ah!"

But Dean wouldn’t stop just because of that. Cas had taught him a lot and much of it had been just today. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Cas’ ear. "What’s your color, Cas?" he mumbled.

Cas groaned deeply but before he could answer the goddamn phone rang and that couldn’t be fucking true! It couldn’t have been an hour already, Dean was sure there was something fucked up here.

But Cas just closed his eyes at the sound and put a hand on Dean’s to still him, as if he was some kind of trained animal that reacted this or that way to a fucking phone ringing. Goddamnit all to fucking hell, Dean didn’t want this life for Cas. Didn’t want the man to have to do this with random strangers ever again.

He opened his mouth to protest this and everything else but when Dean met Cas’ eyes they were so calm. Still dilated and his dick was still throbbing against Dean’s hand, but his eyes were calm. Calm and resigned and Dean didn’t like it even if he knew he had to.

He carefully climbed off Cas, his legs a little wobbly from his still rather recent orgasm, and Cas reached into his pants to adjust himself as Dean pulled the condom off himself before tossing it in the trash.

"I’m sorry, Cas." He mumbled after Cas had quieted the phone. "I was out of line."

Cas looked at him with almost sad eyes and it tore at Dean’s heart. He stepped up and put his hands gingerly on Dean’s chest. "It’s all right, Dean. Maybe next time we’ll have more time." He suggested with a little wink that surely was supposed to be playful and probably would have looked so to anyone else but that just made Dean feel worse.

"Next time maybe you could learn me some of that restraint." Dean grumbled even as he let his hands rest on Cas’ hips. He felt kind of foolish now, to be honest, begging like a goddamn woman and damnit, he had told Cas to fuck him, hadn’t he? His cheeks blossomed at the memory.

Cas’ low laugh brought him out of his thoughts. "I may be good at holding it but I’m not _that_ good." He grinned and stepped back when Dean just looked at him confusedly. " I had help." He said and pulled his pants down enough for Dean to see his dick.

It was still so very hard and flushed but it wasn’t the realization that he had made it like that or that it was his first time seeing Cas’ dick that made him gasp. It was the cockring and the condom that Cas wore.

"Fuck." Dean breathed in disbelief. "Why would you do that?"

Cas chuckled and wrestled his dick back into his pants. "I had to, otherwise I would have come far earlier than you." He bent down to begin picking Dean’s clothes from the floor. "I realized that as soon as I saw you on your knees, you just looked so—" he stopped himself and straightened with a decidedly sheepish grin and Dean didn’t know why but it made his stomach flutter. "I’m sorry, I’m behaving incredibly unprofessionally around you."

Dean gulped. "I don’t mind." He mumbled and gingerly accepted his clothes. He kind of wanted to shower but knew he needed to be gone soon, had probably already overstayed his visit.

"Yes, well." Cas harrumphed and looked away as Dean started dressing. "I hate to throw you out but I have another client in about twenty minutes, so…"

"I know." Dean mumbled sadly. He finished dressing quickly but before he left he turned to Cas once again, unable to stay away. He bit his lower lip and reached out, spinning Cas around to press their lips together in a much chaster kiss than any they had shared so far. "Just one question." He mumbled against Cas’ plump lips.

Cas swallowed and Dean could have sworn Cas was sniffing him. "What is it, Dean?"

"If… If I would want to rent you for the whole weekend, how much would that cost?"

"I…" Cas stared at him, clearly not really believing what Dean was saying. "I’m not sure."

Dean brought one hand up to cup Cas’ cheek. "Well, can you check?" he brushed his thumb against Cas’ cheekbone. "Next weekend, I want to take you to my parents’ beach house up in Fremont. I mean…" he shifted nervously. "I’m going up there and I’m gonna be alone so I’d like it if you’d come, if you want to."

Dean could barely breathe as Cas’ smile spread to his eyes, making them seem more brilliant than usual.

"I’ll check." He breathed and Dean nodded numbly.

"Cool." He said, trying to not sound like a stupid dork. "I can maybe leave my phone number? You can call me if we’re good to go or… Or something."

Cas leaned in and pecked Dean on the lips. "I’ll call, Dean."

"Okay." Dean nodded again. "Okay, good."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, just porn this one, ain't it?   
> Plot coming up, though! ;D


	5. This is me, Dmitri Krushnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Russian (very little) is going to be used from now on, I do not know _any_ Russian (thank you Google Translate!) so feel free to correct me for authenticity. _Very_ sorry about any and all grammatical errors, hope you can forgive me  <3

  
  


"You have to help me, Balthazar." Castiel groaned and flopped down on his bed beside his friend. "What am I going to do?"

Balthazar put down the papers he had used to scribble notes on as they calculated the costs of a weekend get-away. "Tell him."

"Tell him what? That a weekend with me is gonna cost him more than double his monthly income or that I can’t go?"

Balthazar shrugged. "He’s a grown man, if he asked you he should know it wouldn’t be cheap."

"I know." Castiel sighed and rubbed his face. "I should just not go, I’m not even worth that kind of money. Goddamnit." He glared accusingly at his friend. "I thought I told you to take him from me, look how bad it’s getting."

Balthazar held up his hands in defense. "Hey, it’s not my fault he sought you out like that. And besides, he wouldn’t want me." He got up from the bed to rummage around in Castiel’s pantry. "He’s only got eyes for you, did you know I caught him watching you this Wednesday?"

"What?"

"He did." Balthazar nodded solemnly and pulled the last of Castiel’s cereal from the cupboard, eating it out of the box. "He saw you getting in a car with another man and he looked fucking pissed off, Cassie. Are you even sure he knows you’re a whore?"

"Oh he knows alright." Castiel muttered and rolled over to press his face into the pillows. "This is my fault anyway." He mumbled against the pillow. "I fucked this up."

Balthazar chewed noisily. "You should go."

"He can’t afford it."

"I’ve never seen you like this before, Cassie. You really should go, let him _Pretty Woman_ you."

The door to his tiny one room flat opened just as Balthazar said that and Castiel looked up in time to see their other friend join them.

"Who’s a pretty woman?" Gabriel asked as he let himself in, his perpetual grin in place. Castiel just groaned, thumping his head back down.

"Cassie." Balthazar answered and Castiel heard him offer Gabriel some of his cereal.

"Yes, well, we all know _that_." Gabriel mused.

Castiel sighed long and deep before sitting up again. "Help me, please."

Gabriel blinked as he munched on some cereal. "Anything, bro, you know that." He sat down beside Castiel and put an arm around him. "What’s up, buttercup?"

Castiel glared at him. "I hate you." He muttered but Gabriel just smirked at him.

Balthazar sighed before putting the cereal away. "Here’s the deal, Cassie has a john who wants him over the weekend but you know what Crowley thinks about that."

Gabriel shrugged. "If the pay’s good Crowley’s not gonna be a problem, right?"

"He can’t afford it." Castiel mumbled.

"Then don’t go, problem solved. Pizza, anyone?"

God, Castiel’s head hurt. Maybe he needed food? He glanced at his clock but figured what he needed the most wasn’t food right now. He should probably wait, though. He didn’t like taking too many pills a day and he was already up to his limit for daytime. Shit, this Sunday felt tough.

"What’s rule number four, Gabe?" Balthazar asked as he leaned against the wall.

Gabriel counted on his fingers and Castiel could see him mouthing their guide lines. "Be mindful of diseases? No, wait… Know your place?" he asked a moment later and Castiel wanted to bury against his pillows again but Gabriel was in the way.

Balthazar nodded in Castiel’s place. "Except I’m not so sure Cassie is the one who doesn’t remember."

"What?"

Castiel rolled his eyes. "I have a john who likes me a little too much." He almost spat and to his irritation Gabriel just shrugged again.

"Good for you, just milk him before he gets too clingy and then sic Crowley’s dogs on him, what’s the problem?"

Castiel gaped at his friend for a moment, not really believing he would be able to do something like that even if this hadn’t been about Dean.

Balthazar snorted out a laugh. "Don’t think that’s an option, is it Cassie?"

"Why not?" Gabriel frowned confusedly. "It’s not like Cassie’s…" he turned slowly to Castiel who managed not to blush only because he had trained himself too good. "Castiel?" he asked and there was no teasing tone present now.

Castiel swallowed and stared hard at the drawer where he kept the little bottle of soothing pills. "I may have fucked up a little." He mumbled without meeting either friend’s eye.

Gabriel was silent for a moment and Castiel could see him looking between him and Balthazar as if they were two players of a really sick tennis match. "No way!" he suddenly exclaimed and in the next instance Castiel found himself embraced. "Never thought I’d see the day _you_ lost your cool."

" It’s not funny Gabe." Castiel gritted and pushed his friend away.

"Of course not." Gabriel agreed but he was grinning like the fool he was. "At least tell me he’s good looking?"

"He is." Balthazar chimed in and goddamnit, he was grinning as well. Castiel sunk deeper into the bed.

"Yeah? Well, if he’s anything like that guy I saw the other day then you’re in luck. I mean, he had a _really_ nice piece of ass in his passenger seat and he drove this big, black muscle car so I instantly thought threesome because…" he trailed off when Balthazar’s grin widened to a smirk and Castiel groaned, pulling a pillow over his face to shield him from the embarrassment. " Are you fucking kidding me?" Gabriel nearly squeaked and Balthazar laughed heartily.

"Not in the least, that’s totally Castiel’s Richard Gere."

"Fucking hell, Cassie." Gabriel ripped the pillow out of Castiel’s lax grip. "You _gotta_ let him _Pretty Woman_ you right the fuck now."

" I _can’t_!" Castiel exclaimed, more pain in his voice than he had intended. " I want to, so badly, but I can’t."

"Why the fuck not?"

Castiel stared at his friend, hardly believing what he was hearing. "Are you stupid? I’m a _whore_ , I’ll always be a whore. Filthy and ugly and drug addicted. Do you think I want to dump that shit in his lap?"

Gabriel’s eyes softened and Castiel saw Balthazar moving to crouch before him. "Don’t say that, Cassie." Gabriel said in a low voice, his hand on Castiel’s arm comforting. "He knows you’re a prostitute and he still wants to spend his whole weekend with you, that’s gotta count for something, right?"

"Maybe." Castiel mumbled and felt Balthazar place gentle hands on his knees.

"It does." Balthazar agreed. "You shouldn’t push him away because you think he can’t handle this, he’s a grown man."

Castiel swallowed and looked down as he fiddled with a loose thread on his bedspread. "I want to go to Fremont with him."

Balthazar nodded. "I know, love."

Gabriel suddenly sat up straight, making the whole bed bounce. "How about this?" he said, his eyes shining in that way of his and Castiel was instantly wary. "How about you ask Crowley for the weekend off? You’re already free Sunday so that’s only two days and you’re never sick, right?"

Both Balthazar and Castiel looked at their friend as if he was mentally retard. "You know he’ll never go for that, Gabe." Balthazar said eventually in a sour tone. "We’re not normal employees, we don’t get perks."

"Just this once, maybe?" Gabriel was already warming to the idea, Castiel could tell. "Offer him something he can’t pass up on. Make a deal."

"A deal? With the king of whores?" Castiel snorted. "Sure, but even if he would agree to that, what do I tell Dean?"

"Dean?"

"Oh." Castiel bit his lip. It was bad enough that he had let the name slip to Balthazar, Gabriel was a far worse gossiper. "_Please_ don’t tell anyone."

" So his name is Dean?" Gabriel smacked his lips, trying the name on for size. "How very all-American."

"_Please_."

Gabriel batted his hand away when Castiel started tugging at his tee. "Yeah, yeah, I won’t tell. But what did you mean? You could just tell him you got the weekend off."

Castiel scoffed. "I’m already digging myself deeper into this hole by going away with him, I can’t let him know I did everything I could to go. I can’t give him the wrong impression."

Balthazar squeezed his knee. "You can’t hide forever."

"And you shouldn’t." Gabriel shook his head sadly. "But I get your point. Maybe you charge him anyway? Just not as much, just enough that he won’t be suspicious."

Castiel looked at his friend with disbelieving eyes. "You want me to rob him?"

Gabriel snorted. "No, silly. He thinks he’s paying either way so it wouldn’t really be robbing, would it? And you could keep the money yourself, right? No Crowley cutting off his usual percentage, think of all the money that would give you, plus a whole weekend with Dean Gere over there."

Castiel swallowed dryly as he actually considered his friend’s advice. It would be morally wrong but then again, just about everything he had done with Dean had been wrong. And had felt so right.

"I’ll talk to Crowley first." He said resolutely and saw how his friends shared a smile. "_If_ he agrees I’ll think about what to tell Dean."

Gabriel leaned in and kissed Castiel briefly. "Good for you, Cassie."

Castiel smiled stupidly. "Yeah." He agreed. "Yeah, maybe it is."

But was it, really? He lay awake for a long time that night, thinking about what he should tell Crowley, about Dean and how he would react. He wanted to be with Dean, that was much too true to deny but could he really do that to the man? Dean only knew this one side of Castiel and the rest… Castiel watched with drooping eyes as his hand shook against the mattress, barely an hour after his latest high of the day.

"Все остальное уродливо." He mumbled brokenly.

He didn’t fit in Dean’s world because, as Gabriel had said, Dean was all-American and Castiel was just a piss-poor rat with no education who had trained away his foreign accent and learnt to please other people in exchange for money and, as of the last couple of years, for the one thing that made him endure the losses of life. And now there was Dean.

  
  


*****

  
  


Crowley tapped his pen against his desk as he regarded Castiel and Castiel tried very hard not to sweat where he sat in the uncomfortable chair in front of his boss.

"So," Crowley drawled eventually, really drawing the vowel out. "Let me see if I got this right? You call me on my very busy Monday to ask for a meeting and the first thing you tell me when I get here is that you want a weekend off, is that correct?"

Castiel swallowed and lowered his eyes. "Yes Mr. Crowley."

Crowley tapped his pen harder. "I am displeased, Castiel."

"Yes Mr. Crowley."

"I mean," Crowley paused to put down his pen. "I believe I am a fairly good employer, wouldn’t you say?" he didn’t pause long enough for Castiel to answer and Castiel knew better anyhow. "I mean, I give you _two_ bloody days off, _every_ week. I give you a fairly substantial percentage of your earnings, I provide you with lodgings, I have doc Benton tend to you every Monday without questions and I—" he cut himself off when his voice had risen to such highs that he obviously couldn’t breathe anymore. Castiel hadn’t even known grown men’s voices could go that high but he should have known; he had after all heard his boss yell before.

" I’m sorry, Mr. Crowley."

Crowley took a moment to collect his breath and Castiel kept his head bowed all the while. "Yes." Crowley eventually harrumphed. "You should be, asking such ridiculous things in the morning."

Castiel had to clench his jaw shut so he wouldn’t say something stupid. He thought of Dean and of Dean’s beautiful eyes and what they would look like if he told the man no. He took a deep breath.

"But Mr. Crowley." He implored and dared raise his eyes. Crowley looked shocked, frankly, that Castiel would speak up again. "It wouldn’t be more than two days, I’m already free Sunday and I wouldn’t have to leave until five in the afternoon on Friday, I could service clients all day and—" he stopped talking when Crowley held up a hand.

"Leave?" he asked, his tone icy. "You going somewhere important, Castiel?"

Castiel swallowed. "Please, Mr. Crowley." He asked in a much smaller voice than he would have liked. "I never ask for anything, I know I’m a high-income whore and I’m never sick, _please_."

Crowley’s eyes narrowed. "Yes, that’s true I suppose. You’re never really sick." He considered Castiel for a moment and Castiel spent it trying not to lose his nerve. He sat back when Crowley rose to his feet to walk around his desk and lean against it in front of Castiel. "This isn’t about your problem, is it?"

Castiel wanted to feel indignant but really couldn’t. It wasn’t as if he was the only one in Crowley’s little harem that had an addiction. "No." He mumbled and looked down at his hands. They weren’t shaking at the moment and he felt immensely glad for that.

"Because you know I have no problem with you popping pills or snorting dust or whatever you want, but I _will not_ have it affect your performance."

" It’s not about that." Castiel said a bit more forcefully and Crowley thankfully shut up for the moment. "Please Mr. Crowley, Friday evening and Saturday, that’s all I ask. I’ll be back before Sunday evening, I promise." He leaned in and put his hands on Crowley’s knees. "I’ll do anything, please let me prove that I deserve this."

Crowley’s eyes narrowed again and Castiel could practically hear the gears turn in the man’s head. He crossed his arms and pursed his lips as he thought. Castiel withdrew his hands and assumed a submissive posture, hoping to please his king this way.

"Actually," Crowley mused after a far too long moment in silence. "Actually, this could work out really well for me." He was grinning when Castiel looked up. "It so happens that a certain client of ours is returning to town this weekend, here to stay for only a month if I remember correctly." He leaned down and got much too close to Castiel’s face. "I will give you this weekend off and you will service him for the rest of his stay, how about that?" he was still grinning and Castiel’s lips trembled as he opened his mouth to speak, afraid of the answer to his question.

"Which client?"

"Oh, I believe you know him quite well." Crowley said breezily and straightened. "I know you’re not very fond of him and I know he hurt you quite badly last time." He smacked his lips. "And I have to admit, I don’t like people damaging my property so I have kept you from him but you _are_ his favorite. And you did just offer to do anything."

" No." Castiel whispered as images of the time Crowley was referring to flooded his mind. "Please no, Mr. Crowley."

Crowley reached down to grasp Castiel’s chin in a harsh grip, dragging his thumb along Castiel’s bottom lip. "I believe your lips are one of his guilty pleasures, as it were. Cocksucker lips, I seem to remember him calling them and we both know he’s right, don’t we little angel?"

"No." Castiel whispered and Crowley’s grip tightened.

"Yes, Castiel." He growled. "You want to get away for the weekend? Then you will cater to Mr. Walker’s every need and you will do it with a smile. But I’m not unreasonable, I will give you the choice."

Castiel closed his eyes as Crowley let him go and went back to sit in his chair. He thought of Dean again and of Dean’s innocence.

"I’ll do it." He rasped and when he opened his eyes he saw that Crowley was smiling in that pleased way of his.

"Great." He clapped his hands once, obviously satisfied with the answer. "I’m glad we can come to these understandings, Castiel. You are most definitely a model whore, aren’t you?"

"Yes Mr. Crowley."

"Good." Crowley leaned back in his chair and motioned for Castiel to stand up. "Now come over here and show me just how grateful you are."

Castiel swallowed. "Yes Mr. Crowley."

There wasn’t a sign when he rose that he was uncomfortable. No, when Castiel bent his knee before his boss he looked for all the world as if he belonged there, between the man’s legs and with his lips wrapped around Crowley’s thickening cock.

"Such a good whore." Crowley almost cooed and stroked his fingers through Castiel’s hair once before he gripped tight. Castiel knew his bosses tells by now and moaned on reflex when Crowley pulled on his hair. "I don’t want you to think I am unfair, Castiel." Crowley murmured as he started fucking Castiel’s mouth. Castiel relaxed his throat. "You know you always have a choice, you don’t _have to_ work for me. You are free to leave whenever you want, I won’t come after you, and you know that but you all stay, why is that? Answer me."

Castiel pulled off with the lewdest pop he could manage. "Because you are a fair employer." He answered dutifully and was rewarded with Crowley slapping his lips with his dick once before pressing in again.

"Damn right I am." Crowley grunted and Castiel could feel the man’s balls drawing tight. "You wouldn’t want to go back to Lilith, would you?" Castiel tried to shake his head because that was the truth. Better Crowley than Lilith, any time and any day. "Didn’t think so." Crowley muttered. "You are happy here with me, aren’t you? You could leave but where would you go? A foreign man with no education and a fake name, what would you do?" he pulled out again to smear his precome against Castiel’s chin and Castiel knew he was supposed to answer.

"Starve." He rasped and Crowley nodded.

"Yes you would, love." He murmured and forced himself inside Castiel’s mouth again, deeper this time and Castiel knew it wouldn’t be long now. "But damn you’re good at this, you were made for this." He bucked his hips harshly and Castiel tried not to gag as Crowley started coming deep down his throat. Crowley moaned once and held Castiel’s head in place as he spent himself. He allowed for Castiel to sit back on his haunches when he was done. "I should thank your father for teaching you this." He grinned when Castiel winced. "But I can’t, can I?" he wiped the tip of his dick clean and brought his finger to Castiel’s mouth. Castiel dutifully licked it clean. "Because you killed him, didn’t you, _Dmitri_?"

Castiel flinched back and almost fell on his rump as Crowley laughed at him. "It was self-defense." He mumbled, too far gone into the memories to barely register that Crowley was talking.

"Perhaps it was or perhaps it wasn’t, no one really knows." He bent down and snagged Castiel’s tee in one hand, bringing them face to face and all mirth was gone. "But _I_ know, angel." He hissed in Castiel’s face. " Remember that and don’t ever ask me any more favors. I own you Castiel, you are _my_ toy now."

Castiel’s hands gripped the one Crowley was all but strangling him with. "Yes Mr. Crowley." He choked out.

"Good." Crowley pushed him back forcefully and not even Castiel’s trained gracefulness could save him from falling. "Now get out, you will be on the street until 5 p.m. Friday and you will be back here in my office 8 a.m. Monday next week for a briefing about Mr. Walker."

"Yes Mr. Crowley." Castiel pressed out and rushed to leave.

He walked briskly past the booths where Meg and Ruby sat and managed the bookings and Crowley’s other estates. Meg saw him and looked as if she wanted to ask something but he just waved her off and headed straight for the elevators.

Well inside he pressed the button for his floor and tried to keep it together. He had after all gotten what he had wanted; a whole weekend away from this and together with Dean. A whole weekend of just being the Castiel Dean believed him to be; the one he wanted to be. He pushed the thought of Mr. Walker out of his mind and focused on Dean’s smile. He really needed to get a picture of the other man.

Later that day, when the positive effects of the pills were wearing off, images of Dean were replaced by others. Images deeply buried that Crowley had dug up. From when Castiel was little and was named Dmitri and lived in Russia. From when he had had a mother and a father and from before they started selling him for money. From before mother died and father moved him here, to USA, the land of the great and the free.

Images of his father’s sexual training and images of his father’s dead body in a ditch outside of Greenville, Alabama.

Images of him barely reaching the pedals but still managing to drive off in his father’s truck, leaving not only the body but also a boy named Dmitri behind in that ditch.

Castiel shuddered and popped another pill and waited for the images of Dean to come back.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean had thought two grand had sounded _really_ cheap considering he was hiring a prostitute for a weekend get-away but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Was frankly just pleased that he would be able to afford it even if some of it had to come out of his savings. That those savings had been meant to become a wedding budget for Lisa just made it better.

He had asked Sam, though, what he thought it would cost, just to be sure about what to expect. Because he really wanted to take Cas away but he wasn’t hoping for it. And yeah, he hadn’t asked Sammy outright, don’t be stupid.

No, they had been watching _CSI: Miami_ because Jess was over and she loved that show. And because Dean still hadn’t gotten around to get an apartment of his own. Anyway, the episode in question had featured hookers, specifically dead hookers, and Dean had had a hard time watching it, to be perfectly frank. The hooker was a woman so that helped a little but Dean still had no trouble picturing Cas in her place, strangled and with her mouth stuffed with her own panties, of all things.

So as Caruso tried to figure out who had killed her Dean tried not to get emotional because what the hell? He found that the easiest thing was to focus on the douchey way Caruso kept putting on and pulling off his sunglasses. Seriously, just pick one.

"So," he had asked as the CSI team had interrogated her last john. "What do you think it would cost to hire one of those?"

"Why?" Sam had asked with amusement and Dean had waved at the TV.

"I mean, seriously, it’s gotta be expensive, right? That guy could never afford her, he’s not the killer." Yeah, lame ass excuse but he had to ask.

"I dunno." Jess had put in with a furrowed brow. "I think maybe he could’ve done it, he was at the night club."

"But Dean’s right." Sam had interjected. "She’s way too expensive for him."

"Doesn’t that depend on what he hired her for?" Jess had asked and reached for the popcorn Dean had been hogging. He had let her have them so easily she had given him a look he hadn’t returned.

"I suppose." Sam had mused and Dean had cleared his throat.

"But she was in a hotel room, say he rented her for the whole night, maybe even two, wouldn’t that be too much?"

Sam had bobbed his head from side to side. "Maybe. Maybe like 7000, maybe more."

Jess had scrunched her nose. "You think? I’d say about 5000."

"Suppose it depends on what kind of hooker she is." Sam had conceded but Dean had barely heard him.

7000? 5000? If that was true he would have to keep dreaming about Castiel because there was no fucking was he was buying anything this weekend. Dean had gone to bed — couch — in a rather morose mood that evening.

And yet here he was, Friday evening, $2000 burning in his pocket as he waited outside Yumi Yoghurt down on El Camino for Cas to join him. He would rather be caught dead than be seen waiting outside this fruity-tooty place but Cas had suggested it over the phone and Dean hadn’t been able to say no. Even if he thought it was a little odd considering how far it was from where Cas worked and, Dean assumed, lived.

Nevertheless, here he was and holy fuck, there was Castiel, walking towards Dean from the bus stop on El Camino and 39th. He had a small bag with him and Dean’s chest felt tight and warm when he realized it was an overnight bag. A bag containing ordinary things Cas needed to make it through a weekend. Pieces of Cas’ real life. He swallowed and gripped the steering wheel when he saw Cas noticing him.

Cas walked a little faster then and he smiled in that way of his when Dean got out of the car to meet him.

"Hiya." Dean mumbled shyly.

"Hello Dean." Cas smiled wider. "Did you find the place okay?"

Dean aimed for casual and snorted as he took Cas’ bag to put it in the trunk. "Of course, Jess loves this place."

"Jess?" Cas asked and Dean imagined he heard a sharp tone in Cas’ voice.

"Yeah, Sammy’s girl." He answered with a smile and walked over to open the door for Cas before he even registered what he was doing.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas said in a teasing tone when he noticed Dean’s expression and Dean snorted again before he shut the door on Cas.

Okay, he was officially nervous and acting weird. And Cas noticed because of course he did but he didn’t say anything about it and that was why Dean wanted to hang out with Cas and not someone else. Because Cas accepted that Dean was weird sometimes and he still found Dean’s company enjoyable.

Or, Dean supposed, Cas knew it was easy money so of course he would put up with Dean’s strange mood swings. But on that note, he reflected as they breezed through Palo Alto, Cas hadn’t asked for the money yet. Had just gotten in the car and driven off with Dean. Technically, _technically_ , Dean hadn’t hired him yet. Technically they were just two dudes hanging out. Dean telling Cas about the beach house and the area around it and Cas laughing when Dean rolled down the window to let the air roar through the car as he sped well past the limit.

Of course Mary and John hadn’t argued when he had asked to borrow the beach house but they had almost been too enthusiastic. Mary had wanted to tag along and John had wondered who Dean was bringing when Dean had turned her down. No one, he had of course replied but John had just scoffed at him because no one went all alone to a beach house hours away. Dean had used the Lisa-excuse again even though he hadn’t been thinking about her for quite a while now and it had worked. So he needed to get away for a little while, gather his thoughts, be alone and get back on track. Mary had looked at him with teary eyes and John had sighed but it had worked.

So here he was now, on his way to Fremont with Cas in the passenger seat and fuck if Dean knew what the hell he was doing with this man except he felt more relaxed with Cas close like this. So he aimed to have him close more often and for a weekend, at least, that would be true.

  
  


*****

  
  


"It’s really beautiful." Cas mumbled as Dean joined him on the porch to watch the evening waves.

"Right?" Dean agreed with a smile and offered Cas a cup of coffee. "I wasn’t sure how you took it so…"

"Black is fine." Cas smiled and looked back out to the rolling sea. "Do you think the weather will stay like this?"

Dean leaned against the railing and looked up. Clear skies and a beating sun. "Yeah, we should totally go swimming tomorrow."

Cas hummed in agreement and Dean’s heart totally fluttered at how domestic this all seemed. "Look at that!" Cas suddenly exclaimed and pointed out at the waters.

Dean squinted and barely made out two guys cruising the waves. They were obviously aiming for the big one that was rolling towards them and when they dove in for it Dean heard Cas’ breath catching. He snuck a glance and couldn’t help smiling when he saw how entranced Cas looked. Yes, this look was much better than the resigned look Cas usually wore.

"You like surfing?" he asked and sipped his still too hot coffee.

"I’ve never done it." Cas admitted as he studied the surfers, his coffee all but forgotten. "But I’ve always wanted to."

"Well," Dean grinned. "I’ll show you tomorrow, we can rent boards down on the beach."

Cas looked at him as if that was the single most fascinating thing he had ever heard and Dean really liked it. Liked that he could show Cas something that the man didn’t know. That Cas maybe wasn’t so unattainable after all.

"You know how to surf?" Cas asked and Dean liked to think his tone was a little awed.

Dean ducked his head. "Not very good but yeah, me and Sammy used to do it a lot when we went here as kids."

Cas turned back to study the two men who were aiming for yet another wave. "I don’t have a bathing suit."

Dean nearly choked on his coffee because first of all, _bathing suit_? Who the hell ever said that anymore? And second, if they were going to go surfing Dean would get to see Cas without clothes, basically, and was that something he wanted? Yes, as it turned out, he wanted that more than he had thought he would.

" We’ll drive into town and buy you some." He mumbled while he fought a blush.

"Really?" Cas asked with such enthusiasm that Dean couldn’t have said no even if he had wanted to. And God knew he didn’t want to.

"Really." Dean agreed warmly. "So hey, um…" he swallowed when Cas turned to him. He didn’t want to bring this up and ruin the bubble but he had to. Had to get it out of the way so it wouldn’t keep nagging at him. "So about the money, I have it inside."

"Oh." Cas said and looked out over the sea again. "Yeah."

He followed Dean inside and Dean hated himself for bringing it up. He didn’t want to be reminded that Cas was only doing this for the cash and for some reason he got the feeling that Cas didn’t want to be reminded of that either. But he had to, right? Had to pay if nothing else because otherwise Dean was rather certain that Cas would be in trouble with his pimp or whatever and Dean did _not_ want Cas to get in trouble because of him.

So the money exchanged hands and Dean felt better without the brown envelope but Cas just looked miserable and Dean didn’t want that. Wanted that wondrous expression on Cas’ features but he didn’t know how to bring it back.

"So…" he rubbed the back of his neck. "So how do you wanna do this? I mean," he cleared his throat when Cas looked questioning at him. "There’s two beds in mine and Sammy’s old room and then there’s a king size in the master bedroom, so…"

Cas tilted his head to the side and quirked his lips. "What do you think, Dean?"

Yes, right. Because this weekend was about what Dean had bought from Cas. Company, closeness, attention. This was about what Dean wanted. Except he didn’t really know what that was except that he kind of wanted Cas to want to same things. Basically he was just glad that Cas was out of Redwood for the moment.

"I mean, the king size is more comfortable." He mumbled and looked down. "I’ve been sleeping on a couch for over a month now and…" he cleared his throat again.

Cas stepped up and put his hands on Dean’s upper arms as he leaned in. "I think the king size would be for the best, don’t you, Dean?" he asked, his lips barely brushing Dean’s ear.

"Y-yeah." Dean mumbled. "And you… I mean, if you’d like we could share it, ‘cuz…" _Because I want you to hold me while we sleep._ Fuck, why was that so hard to say? But Cas got it, it seemed, because he smiled widely and pecked Dean on the cheek.

" We will share." He announced and Dean nodded curtly, glad that he had gotten what he had wanted but also irritated with himself with how easily he reverted to shyness. He should know by now that Cas wouldn’t laugh at him.

He shook himself. "Come on, I’ll make us some dinner."

"Great." Cas smiled and Dean thought that yes, it really was.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean made bacon and eggs for breakfast and Cas ate as if he hadn’t eaten for decades and judging by his thin frame Dean would say that was true. But he said nothing, though, because Cas was eating and beaming at Dean with his cheeks stuffed with bacon and that was just so adorable that Dean could do nothing but smile back.

They had shared the bed and yes, Dean had fallen asleep in Cas’ arms and had probably had the best night’s sleep since he was a kid. Fuck, he had never known he missed having someone right there beside him who didn’t pull away when he reached out. No, when Dean reached across the bed Cas rolled into his arms and when Dean woke up Cas was still in bed and fuck, Cas’ sleeping face was gorgeous. So relaxed and trusting and Dean found himself staring at the other man for a long while before he got up and started breakfast.

He had slept through basically the whole night, only waking up twice. Once to stretch after Cas’ warmth and once because he had thought he had heard something but he had been too tired to check on it and maybe it had just been Cas going to the toilet so he let it be. In any case Dean just now realized how much he missed sleeping in a goddamn bed and he decided that he would pick the first apartment he could look at next week. No more fussing, he needed his own place and God knew Sammy needed his couch back.

After breakfast they went into Fremont to get Cas some swimming trunks and fuck, when he emerged from the dressing room Dean wanted to tell him two things. One, guys don’t ask guys if their trunks fit well. And two, Cas looked fucking delicious. Now, Dean had never reflected on the way another guy looked before, other than the odd _holy shit, he was fat/thin/buff_ but this… Cas was slim and looked kind of like a runner, which Dean wanted to ask him about but thought very inappropriate in the store. All he knew was that he wanted to put his hands on Cas and at the same time he kind of wanted to feed the guy because yeah, he looked toned but only very barely. A couple of pounds less and he’d be too thin for his height, Dean had no illusions about that. But God, those hipbones…

So Dean told Cas that yes, those were fine, and when a couple of girls stopped to gawk at Cas as he spun in front of the mirror Dean took him by the elbow and led him back to the changing booth. Because let’s get this straight, Dean didn’t like to address the fact that Cas was a whore and that Dean had bought him but the fact was that he had and no matter that they hadn’t done anything sexual this weekend and maybe wouldn’t, he had still paid money for Cas to be his and he would be damned if he let someone else stare at Cas’ body while he was around.

So Dean let Cas change and then they headed to a restaurant for lunch. They ended up sitting there quite a long time, just talking about… well, about everything really. And not just Dean for a change, Cas talked as well. About likes and dislikes and Dean knew that most of this, if not all, was the real Cas because Cas was so relaxed here, different in a good way. And Dean just felt so smug about that, that he had managed to get Cas away and that Cas was enjoying himself because of Dean. That he trusted Dean.

They went to the beach in the afternoon and Dean was relieved to see that the booth that rented surfing boards was still standing at the same place he remembered. He got one for him and one for Cas and thought that maybe the waters were a little too calm but that it didn’t really matter because Cas was beaming in that way of his again, crow’s feet and all.

"I’m just gonna use the facilities first." Cas announced when they left the booth.

"Yeah, sure." Dean said and pointed to the neat rows of changing booths and port-a-potties. "Although you know you can just pee in the water, right?" he smirked when Cas scrunched his nose.

"Gross, Dean." He mumbled and set off after handing over his board to Dean.

Dean smiled and resigned to wait where he was so Cas didn’t get lost. He was leaning against one of the boards when he noticed Cas emerging from one of the potties and of course there would be a cute girl next in line and of course Cas held the door open for her and of course her friend or whatever stared after his ass when he left. Dean gritted his teeth and started to get a clearer picture of why he thought no one else should look at Cas. Except let’s not talk about that.

"Done?" he asked when Cas returned, tone perhaps a bit harsher than he had intended but Cas didn’t seem to notice.

"Yeah." The man agreed, his voice a little wavy but he smiled pleasantly at Dean so Dean didn’t think twice about it. Except when he handed Cas his board Cas’ hand made a strange spasm and the board smacked him on the face when Dean let go and he didn’t catch it.

"Oh fuck." Dean exclaimed and stepped over to help Cas. "You okay, man?"

"Yes." Cas answered and looked more confused than hurt and fuck, Dean wanted to kiss him right then and there. "Yes, I’m sorry. I’m a little clumsy."

Yeah, no. Dean frowned but didn’t say anything but if it was one thing he had learnt about Cas it was that the man was always very precise in his movements. Cas was anything but clumsy.

"Have you been drinking enough?" Dean asked then and helped Cas with his bag because it was hot today and they had been out for a very long time already.

"It’s fine, Dean." Cas smiled and looked like himself again but Dean would have a hard time forgetting that little slip, whatever it meant.

It was tricky teaching Cas to surf considering that it had been a while for Dean as well but Cas was a fast learner and very attentive so on the whole it didn’t go that bad for the guy’s first time on a board. His openly awed expression when Dean stood up and rode the first wave in to shore was definitely the high-point of Dean’s day, though.

Cas looked awesome in the trunks and even more so when his skin was all wet and glistening in the sun. Dean hadn’t really thought about it since he was rather tanned himself but he had reflected when they were swimming out there in the ocean that maybe they should have bought Cas some sunscreen lotion. Then again, Cas wouldn’t have been able to rub it in on his back and Dean would have had to help him and yes, Dean totally got a boner at that thought. It terrified him enough to make him stay in the water and watch from there as Cas tried to tackle the next wave.

"Did you see?" Cas asked excitedly when he had paddled back to where Dean was waiting for him and Dean nodded fondly. "I was up on my _knees_."

It had been more like crouched on all fours but it was the closest Cas had come to standing and Dean got why he was so excited. "It was awesome, Cas." He said and wiped some water from his eyes.

"I can't believe I _surfed_ today." Cas said as he sat up on his board and the way he said it, as if he never would have expected his life to take such a wonderful turn, made Dean’s stomach clench uncomfortably. But when Cas turned his smile to Dean he hid his grimace by diving under for a moment, as if wetting his hair.

" _I_ can’t believe we haven’t eaten since noon." He said when he emerged and rested his arms on his board as he floated beside it.

Cas nodded. "Yeah, maybe we should call it for today?"

Dean could tell that Cas didn’t really want to but he knew the renting booth probably was closing soon so there was that as well.

"So what do you wanna do tonight? We can go out or we could order in."

Cas swallowed and… and did that smile look forced? Was he tired? "Which would you prefer, Dean?"

Okay, fucking enough already. He put a hand on Cas’ knee and it felt so warm and smooth he just had to squeeze it a little. "No more of that, Cas, not this weekend. What would _you_ like?"

Cas licked his lips slowly and his voice trembled as he whispered his response. "Order in."

Dean smiled so widely his cheeks hurt. "Great, let’s get some pizza and watch crappy TV. Hell, there might even be a movie on."

"Okay, Dean." Cas said and fuck, Dean wanted to kiss him again.

Instead he started kicking his way back to the shore, playfully pulling Cas after him for a while. "Or I could go out and get us some pizza while you shower, maybe rent a movie? What do you like to watch?"

Cas laid down on the board and started gently paddling beside Dean. "Not splatter horror, they remind me…" he had a closed-off expression when Dean turned to him. "Sandra Bullock is a guilty pleasure." He said instead just as Dean was about to ask and Dean got the hint. "But I’m not that picky, I don’t watch that much TV."

Dean nodded. "We’ll see what’s on, then."

Cas’ answering smile made him warm inside.

Dean had so, so wanted to join Cas in the shower and Cas had kind of asked with his eyes, beckoned really, but Dean had used any and all excuse he could not to go in there. Why, he didn’t know. Because he was a little nervous and a lot scared, most probably. But as his gay freak-out had gone he had figured that having a dude touch you and you accidentally touch him was nothing to think about. Willingly getting naked and showering together in such close quarters was still pushing it a little for him, though. Or was it? Dean wasn’t even sure because he and Cas had fucking shared a bed and would be doing so again. And Cas had had his fingers up Dean’s ass and that had felt amazing. Yeah, Dean was just about coming to terms with this for real but he just needed a little more time. Just a little.

They ended up on the couch with two pizzas, some beer and a _Dr. Sexy MD_ marathon and Dean loved every single thing about it. Cas’ proximity, Cas’ clean scent, Cas’ confused frown as he tried to follow the intricate non-plot of the show.

" So, is _everyone_ having sex with everyone?" he asked during the next commercial and Dean realized that he hadn’t been watching the show at all. Had just been munching on his pizza and staring at Cas’ face.

" Basically." He said and felt less embarrassed about his realization than he would have thought. He blamed the beer.

Cas hummed thoughtfully and they resumed watching the show until late in the night. Dean’s head was buzzing by the time they were readying themselves for bed. He lay in bed with the lights on, in a tee and his boxers, listening to Cas brushing his teeth or whatever he was doing in the bathroom down the hall.

Cas smiled when he entered the bedroom and Dean’s heart throbbed. As soon as Cas had rolled into bed Dean reached out and pulled him in for a quick kiss. They pulled apart much too soon and Cas blinked at Dean for a moment before leaning in and capturing Dean’s lips in a more heated kiss.

Dean moaned into it and rolled so that Cas ended up above him. Cas licked his way inside Dean’s mouth and he rolled his hips against Dean when Dean let his hands skim down Cas’ back.

"Fuck." Dean mumbled against Cas’ lips when he felt Cas’ dick definitely getting harder in his boxers.

Cas bent down to kiss along Dean’s neck. "What is your color, Dean?" Cas murmured and Dean arched into the man’s touches.

"G-green." He stuttered and fuck, Cas was pinching his nipples through his tee. "Please Cas."

Cas nodded against his neck and travelled down, bunching the tee up by Dean’s chest to kiss and lick Dean’s heaving stomach. He paused to lick along the waistline of Dean’s tented boxers and Dean fucking keened, bucking his hips.

Cas put strong hands on him to keep him still. "Do you want me to suck you?" he mouthed against Dean’s trapped dick.

"God yes." Dean panted and flailed out to reach the bedside table where he totally had put a couple of condoms before because… because this.

Cas was smirking at him when he looked back, a handful of random condoms in one hand. He dropped them on the bed beside him and gave Cas one.

Cas licked his lips and gently lifted Dean out of his boxers, sliding the cloth down and off in one smooth motion. Dean’s dick slapped back against his stomach and he couldn’t help bucking up at the feeling. Cas was looking down at him as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing and it made Dean nervous.

"Cas?" he mumbled and raised his hands but there was no way he could reach with Cas sitting so far away so he ended up resting his hands on his own hips. Fuck he needed to touch but he needed Cas’ touch even more.

"Beautiful." Cas rumbled and there it was again. For some reason Cas thought Dean was something to behold and the compliment made Dean blush same as last time.

Before he could say anything Cas had ripped the condom open and rolled it down. He rolled his hips up to fuck himself through the meaty tunnel of Cas’ hand but it didn’t last long. He didn’t complain when Cas drew back, however, just watched entranced as Cas bent down to wrap his sinful lips around Dean’s rock hard dick.

"F-fuck." Dean moaned and reached down to fist Cas’ hair even as he spread his legs wider.

Cas’ mouth felt just as wonderful as Dean remembered it, if not more. Hot and wet and so fucking skillful as he pressed his tongue against the glands on the head and swallowed with Dean’s dick deep down his throat.

The build was almost painfully fast and Dean was a writhing mess in no time. He was fisting the sheets and Cas’ hair, bucking his hips against Cas’ restraining grip and fucking loving it. He knew Cas would let him fuck his face if he asked but this was somehow so much better because this felt like it was what Cas wanted. Cas wanted Dean at his mercy and Dean was more than willing to submit.

"Fuck, Cas, so good." He moaned wantonly and Cas groaned around him, the vibrations translating wonderfully. "_Jesus_ , Cas I wanna see you. Please, you too."

Cas licked along the whole length as he pulled off to look at Dean. His eyes were totally blown and his hair was messier than ever and yes, Dean now realized that men could also be beautiful.

"Dean?" he asked and fuck, his voice was all whisky rough just like it was in Dean’s fantasies.

"Take your dick out, Cas." Dean rasped and watched in fascination how a shudder ran through Cas’ body. He picked up a condom and tossed it at the other man. "I want to see you beat off, let me see you come, Cas." He felt hot and bothered all over just saying such things to a man but the glint in Cas’ eyes gave him confidence enough. And the sound Cas made as he yanked his boxers down… God, that _sound_.

Deep and throaty and fuck, there was Cas’ dick. It was thick and so fucking hard, curved slightly up against the man’s stomach even as it hung heavy between his legs.

"Do you see what you do to me, Dean?" Cas asked in a tone so husky it made Dean’s back arch. "Do you want me to come for you? What is your color?"

Dean supposed the sight of Cas’ dick could have been off-putting if maybe they had done this a month ago but now, here, there was no hesitation in his voice.

"Green." He murmured and watched with lidded eyes as Cas rolled the condom on his dick.

"Fuck." Cas murmured and fisted himself for a moment before he bent down to capture Dean’s needy dick in his mouth again.

"Oh God." Dean arched his back and started bucking freely up against Cas’ face as he watched Cas jerk it in time with Dean’s hips. It was the lewdest thing Dean had ever seen, or experienced, and he felt himself leak in Cas’ greedy mouth as Cas’ hips stuttered against his own hand. "You close, Cas?" Dean asked in a low voice and carded his fingers through Cas’ sweaty hair. "Fuck knows I am. Gonna come real soon but I want to see you first." He pushed slightly on Cas’ head to get him off and Cas sat up, kneeling between Dean’s open legs. "Want to see you come, Cas." He asked again and Cas flung his head back, moaning even as he bit his lower lip.

He looked fucking gorgeous like that. Like the definition of sex and Dean kind of forgot his own impending orgasm in the wake of Cas’. The man was fucking up into his own fist, his eyes shut and his other hand clamped down on Dean’s trembling thigh.

"Dean." He groaned deeply. "Not gonna last."

"Do it." Dean whispered hoarsely and started fisting his own dick. It felt awkward with the rubber now that Cas’ mouth was gone and he though fuck it, right? He could angle it so he would come on his own clothes and they were in his house so his rules.

He ripped it off just as Cas opened his eyes and fuck, the noise Cas made when he saw Dean stripping his own cock was not human. It was a low guttural moan and he was fucking coming, just from the sight. His hips stuttered and he fell forward, only very barely catching himself from face-planting against Dean’s chest.

"D-Dean." He groaned as his body worked through the orgasm and Dean couldn’t help it, alright?

He outright whined and placed one hand on Cas’ side as he came hard in long, thick spurts. Came all over his chest and fucking neck as Cas panted above him. His eyes rolled back and maybe he blacked out for a second there, he couldn’t really tell, except when he opened his eyes again he saw that Cas was once again sitting on his knees between Dean’s legs, just watching Dean with heavily lidded eyes.

"So beautiful." Cas whispered and Dean was getting more and more accustomed to that compliment.

Cas was looking at the stains Dean had left all over his upper body and okay, the spunk was already starting to cool off on his neck but the look Cas had told Dean that he liked what he saw.

"You wanna taste?" he asked in a post-orgasm haze of silliness but his dick fucking twitched when he saw Castiel’s nostrils flare on the exhale.

"I shouldn’t."

Dean gulped audibly because that had been a joke but fucking hell, what if Cas did that? Dean had never thought about it before other than Lisa calling it disgusting but the thought of Cas eating Dean’s come, maybe swallowing as he came in his mouth, it made Dean’s dick try to revive itself so fast it was painful.

He reached down to trace a finger through a particularly big blob. "I’m clean, if that’s what you…" he quieted when Cas’ eyes shot up to his and shit, Dean had never seen anyone look so debauched.

He looked down to see Cas’ dick hanging limply between his legs now, his balls looking heavy and warm and the condom still wrapped around the dick, now full with come, and felt a little bad about making Cas wear one but that was what he had thought Cas would want. He kind of regretted it now, though, because what would it feel like if Cas came all over Dean’s heated skin? He licked is lips, wondering.

"You need a shower." Cas said suddenly, his voice a little lighter and Dean got the message. _Not this time._

He scrunched his noise. "I guess I do."

Cas laughed in that rumbling way of his and climbed off the bed to let Dean up. "Come, I need to wash up as well." He held out a hand and Dean took it gratefully when he rose on unsteady legs. Holy fuck, only a Cas-induced orgasm made him wobbly like this and Dean loved it.

He showered while Cas washed in the sink and Dean later fell asleep in Cas’ arms again, feeling content and so fucking safe he never wanted to leave.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Все остальное уродливо = The rest is ugly


	6. Please see me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proverbial shit getting awfully close to the proverbial fan here guys. Just as a heads up for potential triggers in this chapter. Be mindful of the tags (especially the ones about Cas whoring and ducious consent, stuff is happening here that is not okay)!

  
  


Dean felt so goddamn good the week after his and Cas’ get-away that he felt as if he had a permanent grin plastered on his face. People were even asking. Bobby grunted questioningly, Mary hugged him and Jo called him creepy but he didn’t care. He just felt happy.

The whole fucked up thing with Lisa felt like a distant memory and he vaguely thought that maybe little over a month shouldn’t be enough to get over a ten-year relationship but he couldn’t find it in himself to care about that either. Just pictured the astonished smile on Cas’ face as they surfed and moved on with his life. Fucking finally.

He got an apartment too, the second one he went to check out on Tuesday. It wasn’t perfect and Dean had to admit that even Sam’s apartment was nicer but it was good enough. It was big but affordable and close enough to work that he could bike there if he had been so inclined. He went to check it alone and came back to Sam’s feeling like a fucking champ.

"Celebrating tonight, baby bro." He announced as he plopped down on the couch that had been his home for too long, jostling the books Sam had precariously stacked on the armrest.

"What for?" Sam asked and sighed audibly when the books fell.

Dean grinned. "Got my own place today, signed and everything. Getting the keys on Monday."

Sammy turned to grin widely at him. "That’s great, Dean." He said earnestly and sounded like he really meant it. Which Dean assumed he did because let’s face it, they loved each other but they had shared enough rooms when they were little.

"Yeah, so call Jess and Jo over, we’re drinking tonight."

"It’s a weeknight."

Dean rolled his eyes and didn’t help Sammy pick up his books. "I know that, indulge me."

Because he really needed to celebrate and the person he most wanted to do it with had said that he would be unavailable during the whole week, maybe for the rest of the month. Cas’ eyes had looked a little dull when he explained that a high-profit client was coming to town and his boss wanted Cas to tend to him but Dean had let the look slide. He didn’t want Cas to think he was snooping but the truth was that he hadn’t wanted to leave Fremont in the first place and now that Cas had said something like that, sounding all resigned again, well he had just kind of wanted to turn the car around and chain Cas to the bed to get him to stay.

And wasn’t that a thought? Cas and bondage.

On that note there was something else he wanted to discuss with Sam. Because he had to tell someone and it would be useless telling Cas; Dean was already pretty sure Cas had figured this out. And besides, Dean wasn’t even sure what this weekend had revealed for him. That he was into men or that he was into Cas? He thought he kind of knew but he wasn’t really ready to admit it so yeah, he needed to talk to someone. That being said he wasn’t really feeling up to it, what with Sam’s fondness for the whole hippie-feelings bullshit. The geek would probably cream his pants if he knew how open Dean had been with Cas; with anyone.

"Hey Sammy?" he asked when his little brother had sat down on the couch again, books sorted through.

"Yeah?" Sam wasn’t really looking at him but Dean knew he was listening anyway, despite him flipping through his notes and Dean thought it was fine like this. Was maybe better that Sam wasn’t staring into his eyes all puppy-eyed and shit.

"I…" he stopped to clear his throat, uncertain of how and exactly what to say. "I think I’m into dudes." Okay, what? That had sounded both lame and vague enough to earn him Sammy’s confused look.

"What?"

"I mean…" Dean shifted uncomfortably. "I think I’m bi or whatever."

"Wait." Sam actually put away his notes and turned more bodily to Dean. "You saying you want to have sex with guys?"

"I dunno." And wasn’t that the truth of the day? He really didn’t know if it was guys as in any guy or if it was Cas and he happened to be a guy. Dean couldn’t really tell yet and wasn’t prepared to delve into those thoughts. "Maybe."

"Dean." Sam put a hand on his shoulder and it made Dean look up to see that Sam looked concerned. "What’s going on?"

Dean pursed his lips. "I’m not really sure." He mumbled because that was the truth. "Would you hate me if I started seeing guys?"

Sam squeezed his shoulder. "Of course not. As long as it’s what you want then I’m happy for you."

Okay, so this conversation was heading directly into a massive chick-flick territory and Dean didn’t really like it. Had to push through, though, get it all out.

"I’m still not really sure what I’m feeling, though. Do you think we could go out this weekend? Maybe…" he licked his lips nervously. "Maybe I could try…"

"Try what?" Sam asked when Dean quieted. "Hitting on dudes? Is that what you were up to when I thought you were sneaking out to see Lisa again?"

Dean couldn’t meet his brother’s eyes. "Maybe." He admitted in a small voice but that was far as it went. Wouldn’t ever tell Sammy about Cas.

Sam nodded. "Okay. As long as you’re okay." He squeezed Dean’s shoulder again before letting go. "Is this why you and Lisa broke up?"

"What?" Dean frowned. "No. She fucking cheated on me Sammy. I... This came after that."

Sam nodded again. "I was just wondering. It would explain why you got over her so easily, I was just thinking out loud."

"Well, don’t." Dean groused. "And what do you mean I got over hear easily, I’ve been moping on your couch for a month."

"Yeah, except you’ve barely mentioned her the last two weeks."

"Maybe I’m in shock." Dean muttered but knew that wasn’t true because every time he felt as if reality was getting too heavy he just thought of eyes blue as the sky and everything felt better.

"Nah, I don’t think so." Sam said confidently and Dean cringed a little.

"Please don’t tell anyone about this."

"Not even Jess?" Sam asked and Dean kind of wanted to call him on the pitiful tone but couldn’t because he was starting to understand what it felt like to have someone you wanted to tell everything to.

"Maybe after Saturday." He offered grumpily. "Go out with me and be my wingman for this first, I can’t do this alone Sammy."

Sam nodded. "Of course, Dean. Although I’m not so sure I’ll be any good at helping you pick up dudes but you know…" he shrugged with a smirk and Dean was immensely grateful that Sam was trying to lighten the mood.

"How hard can it be?" he asked amusedly. "Just buy them a couple of drinks, right?"

Sam laughed. "I dunno, you haven’t dated in at least a decade and I’ve had Jess for about half of that. We’re both rusty and this won’t be about picking up some floozy."

Dean relaxed into the couch. "Don’t say that, maybe it’s even easier."

"You tell me." Sam mumbled and pulled his notes back into his lap and yeah, Dean kind of wanted to tell Sam about how easy it could be.

They sat for a moment in comfortable silence and Dean found he kind of wanted to hug his brother for making this so easy but he didn’t. Wouldn’t want to make it weird now that Sam had managed to make it alright.

"Thanks Sammy." He mumbled after a while and Sam smiled at him.

"Sure, Dean." He tapped his notes with his pen for a moment. "Have you talked to Benny lately?" he asked then and Dean’s mood soured considerably.

"Not since the week before me and Lisa broke up."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I haven’t called but neither have he so…" Dean didn’t like to dwell on it.

"I thought he was your best friend." Sam said and definitely sounded upset. Dean nodded because yeah, he and Benny had been friends since high school and it felt empty without him.

"Yeah, and I thought Lisa was the love of my life but just look how that turned out." He muttered much more bitterly than he had intended.

"Dean."

Dean sighed at Sammy’s sad tone. "It’s fine Sammy, I can make new friends. Besides, if Benny want to take Lisa’s side he can fucking have her, I’m done with people who make me feel bad about myself."

"Good for you Dean."

"Yeah." Dean turned to his brother, thought of Cas, and smirked. "Yeah, it fucking is."

  
  


*****

  
  


Sam picked Club Caliente for them to go to on Saturday and Dean thought it was perfect. It was in downtown Redwood and no one Dean knew ever came to Caliente. They went to the Roadhouse or maybe the underground pub RWC and drank beer and shot pools. Maybe ate one of the best burgers in the state, maybe hooked up with women in the bathroom.

It had been a long time since Dean had been out clubbing and he didn’t really like to call it that but here he was, sitting at the bar in Caliente and sipping on a foreign beer while Sam talked to the bartender.

The music wasn’t really to Dean’s taste and the beer tasted funny but Dean was feeling pretty good about himself right about now. Sam had made him down a shot of Tequila to start them off but he had refused to get too drunk after that. No, he wanted his head clear if he was going to figure this out, figure out what Cas’ touches meant to him.

And it was looking pretty good too. Three women and even a man had already made propositioning glances his way and he smirked around the lip of the bottle, feeling better about himself. He had been pretty nervous to go out like this after so long but this was a great confidence boost.

Still, when the first woman walked up and called him gorgeous, asking if he wanted to dance he just smiled and shook his head no. She left immediately, a little rebuffed but he didn’t allow himself to feel bad about that.

"Wow, dude." Sam stated, his voice loud but barely enough to be heard over the music. "You let _that_ get away?" he was eyeing the woman’s swaying hips as she walked back to her friends and Dean considered this. Considered how easy it had been to tell her no.

" Yeah, well, I’m here for a reason, ain’t I?" he asked and took a nervous swig of his beer. "Can’t be dancing with girls if I’m checking out dudes."

"Huh." Sam turned to Dean and Dean could see his little brother most definitely had had more than one shot while Dean wasn’t looking. "You’re really serious about this."

"Well, yeah." He answered sincerely and thought his own honesty should surprise him but it didn’t. Maybe he should be offended that Sam apparently hadn’t taken this completely seriously but he really couldn’t. Dean had been thinking about this for quite a while now and had had time to adjust, Sam hadn’t and Dean thought it was admirable how easy-going Sam was about this.

So yes, Dean had thought a lot about this, possibly since he first let Cas suck him off, but definitely since last Saturday when he got off on watching Cas jerk it. And maybe he had jerked off to the thought of Cas actually bending down and licking Dean’s chest clean like it had seemed he had wanted to. It had definitely proved a lot to Dean when those first fantasies had sprung up as he lay with his hand wrapped around his dick but had it proved enough? And what was he trying to prove? He sighed a little and hoped this night out would answer those questions but he doubted it. He wanted to talk to Cas.

Sam gave Dean a look then and… and did he look proud? Dean felt awkward and avoided his brother’s eyes in favor of looking out over the sweating, dancing masses.

"How about that one?" Sam asked suddenly and Dean looked at the man his brother was pointing at.

His stomach churned nervously and he was so grateful for Sam’s support he could have hugged him but he didn’t want to give other guys the wrong impression. Because that could be true, couldn’t it? Other guys could look at Dean and Sam and, if they didn’t know them, could believe they were a couple, couldn’t they? Dean wondered distractedly how many times that may have happened through the years while he watched the man Sam had picked out. He moved well, kind of fluently, but Dean didn’t know what he felt when he looked at him. He wasn’t disgusted when he tried to picture himself kissing him but he didn’t feel anything in particular.

"I dunno." He mumbled and wondered how the hell he would even be able to tell if a guy was also into guys. He wished gay-radar was a real thing.

Sam shrugged. "Let’s just dance, see what happens." He pulled Dean’s bottle from his loose grip. "And you know, you don’t have to do anything tonight. Just being here like this is a great step, right?"

Dean swallowed and tried rolling his eyes, playing off his brother’s concerns. "Yeah, yeah. Let’s just do this Samsquatch."

Sam snorted but followed Dean out onto the dance floor without complains.

They danced for a while. Goofed around with a couple of girls, laughed at a guy who was dancing alone and who was obviously too drunk. Sam snuck out after some time to call Jess and Dean took the opportunity to dance a little with a guy that showed cautious interest. And it was fine, dancing like that with a dude. Not that it was much dancing, more like grinding this late in the night and with the amount of liquor they had had but it was fine nonetheless.

Dean thought he kind of liked it, in the way a warm body pressed up against his dick would always feel nice, but he wasn’t so certain it made a difference for him that this was a guy and not a girl. The guy was smiling invitingly and tried to convince Dean to stay when Dean excused himself from the next song. Dean just smiled a little ruefully and disentangled himself to look for Sammy.

He still felt good about himself though. This was a huge step for him. Going out to a club that was something other than a dive bar, dancing with strangers, dancing _at all_ , and actually flirting with guys. So maybe none of the men in here had done it for him but he was ready to admit that his adventures with Cas definitely had opened up his eyes. Ready to admit that and go home because honestly? All he wanted to do was go to Cas and talk to him about these new revelations.

Still, he couldn’t do that for a while because Cas had his big client or whatever so Dean would have to wait. It wasn’t a good feeling, nagging at him. He felt so damn good about getting Cas to himself for the weekend and he never wanted to hand Cas back to that awful life but here he was and there was nothing he could do about it.

He thought about getting another shot but decided against it when he saw how packed the bar was. He sighed tiredly and resigned himself to be a party pooper. But when he looked around he couldn’t see Sam and the line was busy when he tried calling. So either Sam was still drunk-dialing his girlfriend or he had forgotten to hang up. Dean sighed again and headed into the darker parts of the club.

There was music here as well but it was more of a thumping background noise and Dean thought that Sam had either gone back here or outside to make the call. He walked past booths where people were making out and drinking and did what he thought was maybe coke but he just skipped ahead a little quicker, not really fancying getting caught up in some shit that wasn’t his business.

He was just about coming to the last of the booths when he spotted the large party that occupied it. There were several men and a couple of women sitting and standing around it. They were screaming and laughing uproariously, some of them waving money as if they were betting on something.

"Come on!" a big black guy was shouting with an almost manic grin and as Dean came closer he could see that the man looked like he was humping something that was on the table but Dean couldn’t see what. Didn’t really want to, either. "You gonna come or what, huh slut?" the man grunted and the crowd around them laughed.

Dean frowned and walked closer despite himself.

"No way!" A woman who sat opposite the black man objected in a shrill voice. "He’s finishing this first."

"Fuck you bitch." The man bit out and yes, now Dean could see that the man had a pair of legs wrapped around his waist. He was seriously fucking someone on the table of this night club. Dean stared disbelievingly as the man hoisted the legs higher up. "I’m not fucking losing this for shit, he’s coming _first_."

" I dunno." Another man laughed. "She’s almost finished." He pointed and Dean saw then that the woman who had been talking was actually holding a big pitcher of beer and was pouring it into a funnel that was attached to a tube. Dean was beginning to realize where that tube went and what the hell he was actually witnessing.

"Fuck off." The black man snarled. "Be ready with your money, I can feel him, he’s shooting off any second."

Seriously, why was no one reacting to this scene? Dean looked around but all the other people around were occupied with their own shit, as if the booths provided some kind of personal haven.

Suddenly the black guy howled in triumph while the woman wailed and Dean heard someone, probably the poor guy on the table, choke as she ripped the tube away.

"Couldn’t fucking hold it for another minute?" she spat and threw the pitcher to the floor, letting it crash and spill beer all over the floor.

The black man laughed and pulled out, letting the other man’s legs dangle uselessly off the table while he collected his earnings, some of his friends looking pleased and some angry.

"Don’t yell at him, sweetheart." The man said smugly and pocketed his money. "He did very good, didn’t you, Cassie?" he said and reached down to the man on the table. Dean scrunched his nose and was about to turn around and leave when the man answered.

"Yes Mr. Walker."

And _fuck_ , there was no way Dean was hearing correctly, was it?

Dean stared with round eyes as the guy called Walker pulled a decidedly limp body up from the table and fucking hell, Dean wanted to cry. Because that was Cas, _his Cas_ , clothes rumpled and come stained, his dick still out and barely limp, his hair more tousled than normal and his face wet from beer that had spilled. His eyes were unfocused and he was wearing a lopsided grin even as Walker grabbed his chin harshly.

Dean felt as if he had been sucker punched.

"Such a good slut, Cassie." Walker cooed and took a grip around Cas’ throat, just barely not strangling him, from the look of it. "Expensive, but the best whore in town, wouldn’t you agree?"

Cas nodded as best he could, still grinning like an idiot but it looked like he wasn’t really seeing what was going on. "Yes Mr. Walker." He intoned again and Walker smirked devilishly as his friends laughed and egged them on.

"Why don’t you show everyone how good you can be, hm?" Walker said and squeezed around Cas’ throat until he was gasping but his hands just twitched where they hung limply by his sides. "Get on your knees and suck me off, Cassie." Walker said almost kindly but as soon as Cas was down there he grabbed a handful of Cas’ hair and pulled him back forcefully. "Pumped you so full of speed you couldn’t even hold it, could you?" Walker hissed in his face and Cas was _still grinning_. " Good whores don’t come before their customers, boy. Now suck it." He pressed Cas’ face against his dick even as his friends made new bets on how long it would take. "And watch your fucking teeth, one more time and I won’t stop after one hit, remember that sweetling."

Dean couldn’t think. Couldn’t see. Couldn’t fucking _breathe_. He could only listen to this Walker fucking ruin Cas and his heart just about stopped when Cas — beautiful, thoughtful Cas who loved surfing and hated horror movies — dutifully put his hands on Walker’s hips, still grinning like he couldn’t stop.

Dean couldn’t take it.

He was over by the booth before he could think about what the hell he was doing — was punching that Walker dude right in the face hard enough for him to face-plant on the floor after only one punch, was pulling Cas up to his feet and yelling at him to grab his pants and to just fucking run — and did it all in the space of a couple of seconds.

Cas looked confused and a little amused but he thankfully followed when Dean yanked on his arm and sped to hide in the dancing throngs out on the floor. He could hear Walker or someone in his entourage yelling after them and he suspected that they were being followed so he made a beeline for the exit as soon as he had crossed the dancefloor.

A few people squeaked indignantly when they noticed that Cas was bare from the waist down but Dean saw that Cas had indeed gotten his pants before dashing away so he just focused on getting them outside before he forced Cas into an alley to get dressed.

"Hurry up, Cas." Dean urged as he looked out the mouth of the alley. Cas laughed behind him but it didn’t sound like his normal laugh. It was high-pitched and sounded a little insane, to be honest.

Dean pawed out his phone when Cas was done and rang Sam as he dragged Cas away again, walking briskly but not fast enough to draw much attention from the drunken people outside the club.

"Dean?" Sam asked and Dean breathed a fucking sigh of relief.

"Sam, get the hell out of that club, right now."

"What’s wrong?" Sam asked, sounding much more sober all of a sudden and Dean’s hand on Cas’ elbow tightened.

"Just meet me by the 7-Eleven at the corner, something came up."

"I’ll be right there." Sam said and hung up.

Dean sighed in relief again. If it was one thing he could count on it was Sammy helping him and boy would Dean need a lot of help right now. He couldn’t even imagine what kind of shit he had managed to get himself into this time but when he looked over at Cas he thought he probably would do it again. Cas looked decidedly dazed and happy but it wasn’t normal. Was probably not even normal from a beer-induced intoxication. Dean was scared, to be honest, and not only because of the trouble he probably had gotten Cas in. Because he was sure now that that had been the high-profit client Cas had been talking about and Dean had just punched him in the fucking face and all but kidnapped Cas while he was working. Shit.

He looked over his shoulder as he turned into the parking lot adjacent to the 7-Eleven but it didn’t look like they were being followed. He gently sat Cas down by some bushes to shield him from sight as much as possible.

"What are we doing?" Cas suddenly asked but fuck, he was still looking all high.

Dean carded his hand through his hair. "I’m getting you away from that douche."

"Who?"

Fuck Cas had to be wasted to not remember and it was scaring Dean. He had never really handled people worse than drunk before. "That black guy, Walker or whatever. He was basically raping you, Cas. Humiliating you…" he trailed off when he noticed his hands shaking with barely contained rage.

"I’m a whore." Cas suddenly chirped, sounding much too happy for such a statement.

Dean crouched down in front of the man. "I know, Cas, I know but no one deserves that treatment, okay?" Dean said gently and put his hands on Cas’ upper arms.

"Whorish." Cas elaborated with that same grin and a click of his tongue. Dean wanted to fucking cry, alright?

He couldn’t fucking believe this was the same man that had held him as he slept in his parents’ beach house. How could steady and calm Cas become like this?

"What the fuck did they give you?" he mumbled, more to himself and wishing Sam was here already. He felt scared and little.

"Speed." Cas informed him bluntly and Dean remembered Walker saying that as well.

"Is-is that…" he trailed off when Cas just tilted his head, still looking like the fucking Joker. "Amphetamine?" he choked the word out, unfamiliar with in and so very frightened.

"Yah." Cas agreed with a head bob, a strange accent slipping into place, and Dean didn’t know what to do. He just clenched Cas’ arms and shook the man slightly in frustration. Cas let him and let his head flop back and forth. "Weee." He mumbled humorlessly and fuck…

"Why, Cas? Why would they give that to you?"

"Increased libido." Cas answered but it sounded like a suggestion only and Dean wasn’t really hearing him anyway.

"Why would you _take it_?" he whispered with his head bowed. Because his client ordered him to and Cas couldn’t displease, Dean assumed but shit, there had to be a fucking _line_.

" Because I’m a drug addict."

"What?" Dean’s head snapped up so fast he almost gave himself a whiplash.

"M-hm!" Cas agreed wholeheartedly, smacking his lips. "Speed, uppers, yah." He nodded and a sentence in a language Dean didn’t know followed, after which Cas giggled at himself. "Speed-uppers."

"But… But, Cas…" Dean felt as if his blood had frozen.

How the fuck had he not known? How the fuck had he spent a whole goddamn weekend together with Cas and not noticed? God, Dean was selfish. Always talking about his own shitty problems as if they were real problems at all. When… when Cas was getting raped on the job and popping fucking speed to keep up with it. And what was that language? Dean realized with a startling franticness that he knew nothing about the man in front of him besides him selling his body. And he had had so many opportunities to get to know Cas. All he had done was talk about himself and Cas had fucking let him. He had wanted to take Cas away for a while but he was beginning to realize that he was more helpless to help the man than he had thought to begin with. And that he was stupid to think otherwise.

There were suddenly fingers on Dean’s face and he jerked back a little as Cas stroked the tears away from his cheeks. Fuck, he hadn’t even realized he was crying.

"For how long?" he whispered and hoped to God it wouldn’t be bad.

Cas’ brow furrowed but the look was awfully playful. "Years?" he asked more than stated but Dean knew in that instance that that was the truth.

"Why?" he rasped and Cas clicked his tongue and spoke in that foreign language first before laughing and wiping Dean’s tears on his Henley.

"Usually makes me functional, don’t take this many normally. Shouldn’t drink with them either." He raised his hands above his head and waved them as Dean sat back on his haunches. "Makes me feel lighter than air."

"Oh, Cas." Dean whispered as he watched the man rock from side to side for a moment. He felt helpless and so goddamn small watching Cas like this, knowing there was nothing he could do about it and knowing that he probably had fucked Cas over what with punching that douche Walker.

Cas’ hands suddenly landed on Dean’s shoulders and he looked serious all of a sudden. "Don’t tell Dean, though." He said, his voice stern and gravelly.

Dean blinked in confusion. "What?"

Didn’t Cas know who he was talking to? Was he so out of it he didn’t even know or care who had dragged him out of that club? Fuck, would he have followed just any stranger that demanded it? Dean suddenly felt about a thousand times more scared for the man’s safety.

Cas tried for a moment to keep his serious expression but soon failed. He laughed and leaned so far back into the bush that Dean had to catch him before he fell through.

"Dean can’t ever know." Cas sang in a sing-song voice. "Must keep it away from him."

"What are you talking about, Cas?"

"No, no. Dean must never know." Cas tutted disapprovingly. "Dean is too pretty, too pretty-witty for me. Yah, yah." He nodded to show he agreed with himself and Dean was crying again now. Could feel the tears as they streaked down his cheeks but he did nothing to stop them.

"That’s not true, Cas." He rasped and watched with growing desperation as Cas shook his head.

"Too pretty. Dean is the sun, yah. Would burn, would—" he continued talking in that other language and Dean bowed his head, unable to watch anymore because how the fuck could Cas think that?

He wiped his face when he heard steps approaching and he stood up ready to fight for Cas’ safety but saw to his relief that is was Sam. Sammy, his little brother that was taller and broader than him and who was the smartest person Dean knew.

"Dean?" Sam asked and took in Dean’s without a doubt tear stained face and the obviously stoned man giggling by Dean’s feet. "What the hell happened, man? I came back in after talking to Jess and couldn’t find you and then you called and just as I was leaving there was a big commotion in the back about someone running around naked or whatever."

"Sam." Dean swallowed and decided that he couldn’t say everything but that he would say enough. "I found my friend in the back." He gestured down at Cas who was busy untying his own shoes for some reason. "They were fucking raping him, Sam. They’ve fed him some kind of drug and I-I couldn’t just leave him like that."

Sam looked with big eyes between Dean and this new man he had never seen. Sure, it was odd for Dean to be claiming that Cas was his friend when Sam knew all of Dean’s friends as the back of his hand but Dean’s honestly scared face would tell Sam everything he needed at the moment.

" _Fuck_." He breathed and crouched down beside Cas. " Is he alright?" he took Cas’ face in his hands to turn him so he could look into his eyes. "Are you alright?" he repeated when Cas’ head lolled in his grip.

"Hello." Cas replied as if that answered anything and Dean’s stomach clenched.

"What do I do, Sam?" he asked and scanned the street Sam had come from. "We can’t stay here, what if they come looking for him?"

Sammy stood up and was already pulling out his phone. "I’ll call a cab to drive us to the ER."

Dean swallowed nervously and glanced down at Cas who was just sitting there, grinning goofily at the brothers. "Do you think we need the hospital?" he asked in a low voice.

"Depends on how much you think he’s had. And what."

But Cas was getting to his feet, shaking his head. "Don’t need a hospital." He announced, his steps faltering as he reached for Sammy’s phone to stop him.

"Shit, Cas, are you sure?" Dean asked and caught him before he fell to the ground.

Cas snorted flippantly. "No insurance, no hospital." He elaborated and continued explaining himself in that language that made Dean want to cry again.

"Russian?" Sam asked with a confused frown and oh, okay, Dean should probably have recognized that.

Cas looked at Sam and smiled what looked like his first genuine smile of the night. "Smart." He stated and pointed at Sam. He turned to Dean and their faces came awfully close all of a sudden. "Smart." He repeated and nodded when Dean did.

"I know, Cas." Dean mumbled and slung one of Cas’ arms around his shoulders, carefully sitting them down again. "Call a cab, I’m taking him home."

Sam’s eyes narrowed. "Home where?"

Dean rolled his eyes, much too concerned with Cas’ state to be having stupid conversations. "Do you see me with a fucking apartment? Home to yours, you can sleep at Jess’ if you’re uncomfortable."

Sam huffed and pressed the speed dial for the cab service’s number. "I’m not uncomfortable, I just don’t want a strange man OD’ing in my bathroom."

Dean clenched Cas closer to himself because seriously, Sam? Not funny. "He’s name is Castiel and he and I go way back, just get a car here before his rapists find us."

Sam gnawed at his bottom lip and Dean knew he would have a lot to explain in the morning but that would have to wait. His number one priority at the moment was Cas’ safety.

"Hang on, Cas." Dean mumbled as Sam talked to the cab service. "I’m taking you home, don’t worry."

"Home?" Cas asked and it sounded slurry.

"Yeah, would you like that?"

"I live here." Cas stated and pointed at the gutter by the curb. Dean slapped his hand away.

"No you fucking don’t, stop saying shit like that about yourself."

Cas’ hand came up to caress Dean’s cheekbones and fuck, they were so close again. Cas’ blue eyes were hazy but still brilliant to Dean and they drilled into Dean’s soul. They were so close, lips almost touching.

"Like the sun." Cas breathed against Dean’s mouth and promptly passed out on Dean’s shoulder.

  
  


*****

  
  


Castiel awoke slowly, smells and distant sounds lulling him into consciousness in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time. He groaned brokenly and pressed his face against the pillows. They were soft, softer than the ones in his bed or even the Elysium, and they smelled different. A pleasant scent that reminded him of better times but not enough that he could place it. Smelled distantly of safety and home.

He blinked and sat up.

He was still fully clothed and his mouth felt fuzzy. His head spun when he looked around and he had to blink several times to get the black spots away. He felt nauseated but not enough for it to be alarming.

"Fuck you Walker." He muttered and climbed carefully out of bed. Goddamn asshole had roofied him and Castiel just knew it. Yes, he had popped a couple of pills before tending to Walker and he had probably taken a few more during the night, coupled with too much booze, but he didn’t usually feel like this. And roofies were Walkers MO, Castiel knew this just as well as Crowley and even so his boss had all but tossed him at the shark. "Fuck you." He bit out again and placed a hand gingerly on the bed to support him as he looked around. Where the hell was he?

The room wasn’t tidy per se but it wasn’t dirty either, not like the rooms Castiel was used to waking up in after a night with Walker. It looked kind of like a guy’s room, maybe a student? Castiel saw several textbooks on a small desk and in the corner by what he supposed was a wardrobe was a heap of clothes, amongst which he spotted a hoodie with the words _Stanford_ printed on the front.

Stanford? He didn’t know anyone that went there. Or did he? He tried to remember but the fog wouldn’t let up even when he shook his head, just made it worse. He clicked his tongue and decided to just fuck it and get going. His hands were shaking and if nothing else that was a sure tell that he had been away for too long. He hoped to God it was still Sunday so he had a day off until he was to service Walker again but he wasn’t even sure he was that lucky.

A noise from the other side of the closed bedroom door drew his attention and set him on high alert. So he wasn’t alone. Was it possible that Walker was still with him? What day was it?

He walked gingerly as not to upset his stomach. He tried opening the door quietly but it screamed in his over-sensitized ears and it proved useless anyhow; the door opened directly into a living room and on the couch with his back turned sat a man. Castiel tilted his head to the side because he knew that neck, God knew he had spent enough time memorizing it, but it couldn’t be, could it?

"Dean?" he croaked and the man immediately whipped around. God he was beautiful even through Castiel’s post-high haze.

"Cas." He breathed, sounding so relieved Castiel just had to raise his eyebrows. Okay, so he had probably been drugged last night but that was nothing out of the ordinary. And, more importantly…

"What am I doing here?" he wrapped his arms around his body and looked around the small living room. "_Where_ am I?"

Dean looked sheepishly at him while he talked and then looked down to his lap. "Don’t get mad, Cas."

Castiel frowned. "Why would I?"

"I…" Dean drew a big breath. "I was out with Sam last night, at Club Caliente."

"Okay." Castiel said slowly when Dean paused as if that was enough and maybe it should have been. He had also been out to a night club with Walker last night, he remembered now, but which one?

"And I…" Dean looked up suddenly, gripping the back of the couch and looking quite frantic. Castiel took a step back at the desperation on the man’s handsome face. "I saw you get fucking raped, okay?" he nearly yelled.

Castiel blinked because that wasn’t really true, was it? "I was with a client." He said carefully but it did nothing to pacify Dean.

"I _know_!" Dean exclaimed and looked down again. Castiel dared to venture closer. " I fucking know alright? I fucked up, Cas. I-I saw that guy humiliating you and I couldn’t take it." He looked up again just as Castiel stopped behind the couch, brow furrowed. "You were so fucking out of it, speaking some other language and smiling and I… I couldn’t let him do that to you. They were fucking betting on you, Cas."

"Betting?" Castiel heard himself ask as if that was the most important thing right now — _other language_? That could only mean one thing and Dean was never to know about that, no one was. That boy was dead and buried — but Dean just shook his head.

" I couldn’t leave you with them."

Castiel suddenly felt bile rise in his throat. "Dean." He breathed, feeling cold all over. "What did you do?"

"I…" Dean was meeting his eyes but Castiel could see that the other man was scared. "I punched him and snagged you."

Castiel stopped breathing for a moment. "You _punched_ Walker?" he rasped and grabbed his shirt over his stomach when Dean nodded quietly. Oh no, oh fucking God, please no. Crowley would kill him if Walker didn’t find him first and-and…

" Cas." Dean was reaching out for him but Castiel batted his hand away, trying to regain his breath and not to hyperventilate.

"You punched him." He said again as if saying it would make it not true. Dean was looking miserable but Castiel couldn’t allow himself to reach for the man. He needed… needed to get back and do damage control and hope to God or the fucking Devil that Crowley didn’t already know. If he could get in contact with Walker first, then maybe…

"Please don’t hate me, Cas." Dean said quietly and he sounded so sad that Castiel forced himself to listen for a moment.

"I could never—" he started but was interrupted when Dean started talking again.

"I really fucked this up, Cas." He looked down at his lap again and this up close Castiel could see that he was holding a phone. "I knew you would get into trouble even though it wasn’t your fault and I didn’t want that." He looked up to meet Castiel’s disbelieving eyes because no, Dean couldn’t possibly be implying… could he? "I called your boss."

"Fuck." Castiel whispered and had to support himself on the couch when his knees threatened to buckle.

"I’m sorry, Cas, I’m so sorry." Dean grabbed Castiel’s wrists but Castiel just stared unseeing at him. "I had to let him know that it was my fault, not yours. That you were too drugged to make any decisions on your own."

Fucking hell, had Dean told Crowley about the drugs too? Castiel considered just killing himself and getting it over with. Wondered how high up this apartment was and if the fall would just break him or off him.

"Please tell me you didn’t give him your name." He pleaded with a broken voice and watched to his horror as Dean pressed his lips together. No, please no.

"That Ruby woman who connected me asked." Dean all but whispered and Castiel closed his eyes.

There was no killing himself now. He needed to go into the office and talk to Crowley, convince the man that Dean had nothing to do with this, not really. That Dean was in no way affiliated with them and that he never, _ever_ would be again.

" I have to go." He said harshly and made to the door. Fuck, he didn’t even know where he was but that would be a problem for later. First he just had to get away from Dean and his scared eyes.

"Cas, please." Dean rose from the couch but apparently didn’t dare approach Castiel. Good, that was good. "Please don’t go back there, I didn’t mean to fuck everything up. I just wanted to help you."

"Yes." Castiel said in the most emotionless tone he could manage at the moment and unlocked the door. "Thank you for that."

He left Dean without even looking over his shoulder. Dean was looking devastated, Castiel had no illusions about that, because Dean was a good man and this was not really his fault. This was Castiel’s fault and his alone. This was exactly what he had thought would happen if he let this thing with Dean get too far. Dean would start caring more than he should and Cas would start wanting him to. And it would destroy everything.

  
  



	7. Don’t let me crash and burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: shit --> fan  
> Mind the tags here, specifically the ones about abuse. Stay safe!

  
  


Castiel sat in the chair in front of Crowley’s desk, head bowed and blood red after the yelling at Crowley had just delivered. He was trembling and in desperate need of one of his pills but absolutely refused to acknowledge it further.

"What am I to do with you, Castiel?" Crowley asked and sounded as if he really was asking. At least he had calmed down, Castiel noticed. "First you fuck up so severely with Walker that the man thought it would be bloody okay to wake me on a fucking Sunday morning and then I get a call from your knight in shining armor, saying it wasn’t your fault. And now you sit here, stuttering excuses. What the hell am I to make of that? Answer me!"

Castiel swallowed and looked up cautiously. Crowley was spinning his pen between his fingers and watching Castiel with eyes narrowed to slits. "Walker roofied me." He said lowly, not for the first time, and Crowley stopped spinning his pen.

"Are you blaming your little problem on _Mr._ Walker?" he asked icily and Castiel decided to just plunge ahead.

" This had nothing to do with my pills; he forced me to take other things that made me lose my mind. I didn’t realize what was happening and—"

"Enough!" Crowley barked, slamming his hand down on his desk hard enough for his phone to jump. "I will not have you blaming a client for your own shortcomings. You’re a good whore Castiel, but I will not have that praise get to your head, you _will_ know your place. And as for that knight of yours, _Dean Winchester_ —"

"I don’t know him." Castiel hastened to say and Crowley squinted angrily at him again.

"The girls tell me you have spent time with a Dean on at least two separate occasions."

"Lots of guys are named that, I don’t know this man."

Crowley kept squinting in suspicion for a while but to Castiel’s relief it seemed his composure had fooled the man. For now.

"You’re lucky, Castiel." Crowley announced then and leaned his elbows on the desk, steepling his fingers. Castiel waited seemingly calmly. "Walker still wants you, even after you so royally screwed yourself over."

"Really?" Castiel asked and couldn’t keep the tightness out of his voice.

Crowley scoffed. "Don’t sprain yourself little angel." He leaned back in his chair. "He insisted, actually, adamant that he wanted you already tonight. So you will go to the doc, get a check-up and you will be in your room at the Elysium by six o’clock."

"T-tonight?" Castiel asked, feeling increasingly desperate. Today had turned out to really be a Sunday, his day off, and God knew he needed it. He needed to sort through his fried up piece of shit brain and he needed to talk to Balthazar.

"Yes, Castiel. _Tonight_." Crowley said in a hard tone. " Problem?"

Castiel blinked helplessly at his boss, knowing the man knew exactly what Castiel was thinking and simply refusing to acknowledge it. "No." He whispered eventually and bowed his head again.

"Good. Remember that you’re mine, Cassie, and everything will be fine."

Castiel wasn’t so sure about that. "Yes Mr. Crowley."

"Good angel." Crowley cooed in a tone someone might use for a dog and Castiel didn’t think that was fair. Dogs were better than him by now.

"Thank you Mr. Crowley."

"Oh don’t thank me yet, Castiel, we’re not done here." Crowley crossed his legs and Castiel could only stare helplessly. What now? "You may think of time spent with Walker as a punishment but remember it’s your bloody job to satisfy him. No, I think I will have to cut your percentage to show you how displeased I really am."

All blood drained from Castiel’s face. "Please, Mr. Crowley." He croaked.

"Hush Castiel." Crowley hissed. "Did you really think I wouldn’t punish you for your insolence? Running out on a dissatisfied client, getting him punched in the fucking face, who the hell do you think you are?"

Castiel leaned forwards and placed his hands on Crowley’s desk. "I’m your whore. Please Mr. Crowley, I’ll do anything for you."

"So you keep saying and yet here I am, one pissed off client later." He rose to his feet and motioned for Castiel to do the same. "I don’t wish to be mean, darling, you just have to stop disappointing me."

"Yes Mr. Crowley." Castiel whispered and forced himself to meet his boss’ eyes.

"I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again." Crowley gripped Castiel’s chin as he leaned in. "You are free to leave if you wish, I just worry about you." His lips brushed Castiel’s as he talked and Castiel had to physically force himself not to shudder in disgust. "I mean, what would you do? You know nothing else; you are good only for this. Where would a human toilet go? No one would want you, angel."

Castiel trembled from head to toe as Crowley kissed him harshly, demandingly, possessively. He closed his eyes and thought of green eyes and Cupid’s bow lips and held his breath to stay calm.

"Down to five percent, love." Crowley growled against his lips. "And don’t think I don’t know what you do with your money. I have a better understanding of this than you think, don’t forget that Alastair also lives in my complex, I know his rates. You will have to choose for now, Cassie. Food or pills?" he smirked evilly when he saw Castiel’s desperate stare. "I know which one you’ll choose, don’t worry, please Walker and I’ll bump your paygrade up soon enough. Now leave and remember, the Elysium six o’clock." He gave Castiel a little push and Castiel stumbled back before he found his footing and exited as fast as he could.

Five percent. He was going to starve and Crowley knew it because there was no way in hell he would be able to choose food over his pills. Balthazar would help him, yes that was true, he thought as he frantically pushed the button on the elevator. And he could dip into the money he had tucked in the sock in his underwear drawer. That was Dean’s money, though, and Castiel had felt so bad about accepting it in the first place that he hadn’t used it but now he was beginning to think he would have to.

The taste of Crowley’s kiss lingered far longer than Castiel could bear.

  
  


*****

  
****  


Dean was still sitting on the couch, shaking slightly, when Sam returned hours later.

" Hey." His brother called and Dean had to force his face into a neutral expression before turning around. "Castiel still here?"

"No." Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat. "No he went home." Wherever that was. Probably that gray box of a building but he couldn’t be sure.

Sam frowned. "Is he okay to do that? You sure we shouldn’t take him to mom at least? I mean, I think he may need medical attention and she can’t check for diseases but she _is_ a nurse, so…" he trailed off, hopeful, but Dean just shook his head numbly.

" Yeah, no, I think he’s fine. He seemed fine." Fuck, he had to keep this lie going, for Cas’ sake if nothing else. "He was going to the police, press charges or whatever."

"Really?" shit, Sammy sounded much too relieved. "That’s good. But wouldn’t he need you as a witness?"

Dean looked away because he couldn’t meet his brother’s trusting eyes and lie at the same time. "He said he’ll call about that."

"Okay." Sam sounded too much as if the lie had worked and it made Dean’s heart hurt.

"Hey Sammy, I’m just gonna get out of your hair for a while, sleep on your bed." He rose on unsteady legs and hoped Sam didn’t notice. "Big day tomorrow."

"Oh yeah." Sam agreed much too happily and sat down on the couch when Dean walked over to the bedroom. "Noon, right?"

"Yeah." Dean agreed, half-turned to the door. "Bobby allowed me to take a half-day so I’m picking up the keys at noon, meet me back here at maybe one?"

"Sure. I’ll help you pack here and we’ll get whatever you left at mom and dad’s. We’re going to the store after dad gets home, right?"

Dean couldn’t fucking take it. Couldn’t be planning his very ordinary life when he knew that Cas was most likely getting raped and beaten again tonight. Was maybe already high off his rocks. _Cas, Cas, imperfect, wonderful Cas._

But he had to bear it, had to get back on track, so he took a deep breath and managed to smile at Sam. "Yeah, gotta buy me some new furniture, right?"

"Right." Sam nodded and turned on the TV when Dean went into the bedroom.

He lay for a long while and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about what he had done and about Cas’ panicked face. About Cas all wasted and speaking Russian. About Cas saying Dean was the sun. Fuck he hadn’t meant to make it worse for Cas, had just wanted Cas to be safe.

He rolled over and hugged one of Sam’s pillows. If he closed his eyes and pretended real hard he could almost imagine smelling Cas on the pillow. Fuck, he just wanted to hold the man again.

  
  


*****

  
****  


The noises that woke him were distorted, almost as if they were playing in slow motion, and the first real thing he registered were the smells. Lube, come, blood, piss. Castiel couldn’t even be sure how much of that was his but he was lying naked in a decidedly wet puddle, nestled deep into the mattress on his stomach and with his ass in the air.

He groaned and tried to move but couldn’t. Everything hurt and he was too dazed to move without passing out again. The noises cleared a bit and Castiel realized it was voices. Someone was in the room with him, talking.

"Oh God, what have they done?" a female whispered to his right and he knew that voice, knew her.

 _Anna._ He tried speaking but his mouth was far too dry.

" Sch Cassie." Anna hushed gently and he could practically feel her hand hovering just above his back. "It’s going to be okay, we’re here now."

"Nothing about this is okay." A man stated and Castiel relaxed into the mattress. Michael. Michael and Anna had come looking for him. "That fucking asshole. Crowley just told us to pick Castiel up, he said nothing of this. We should find that Walker and kill him."

"Let’s just get Cassie to the doc, let Crowley’s goons worry about Walker." Anna said firmly and Castiel was beginning to think things were really bad if she didn’t argue using violence.

"He sent Azazel." Michael muttered and Anna made an approving noise.

Azazel? Fuck, Crowley must be really mad. Castiel needed to get back to his boss and… and try to make amends. Try to make up for whatever he had fucked up now. He didn’t remember anything after leaving Balthazar’s room Sunday evening and heading to the Elysium but he could imagine. Flashes of distorted images flew before his closed eyes and it was hard to tell if they were memories or nightmares. Walker’s laughing face was the most prominent. Like a grinning skull. 

He tried moving again but the motion made searing hot pain shoot along his spine. God, his ass felt as if it was on fire. A whining noise forced itself to his ears and he was scared to realize it was him making it.

"Cassie?" Anna said gently and now he felt her hand on his shoulder. Even that hurt but he couldn’t flinch back. "Hang on honey." She said soothingly.

"Fuck this shit." Michael growled and promptly bent down to roll Castiel over and lift him bridal style. The motion was too much and it made Castiel retch dryly.

"Michael!" Anna exclaimed. "Take it easy, we don’t even know what’s happened."

"What’s happened is we’ve found our friend in a puddle of his own piss and blood, ass torn to shreds. I’m not fucking waiting for doc to come here."

_Oh God_ , Castiel thought brokenly. _Please don’t let that be true._

If he was too badly hurt he wouldn’t be able to work and that… that…

Anna put a delicate hand on his arm when he struggled feebly to get out of Michael’s arms. "Calm down, Castiel." She said in that tone that had soothed him countless times before. He forced his eyes open against the crust clogging them and saw that she smiled weakly when their eyes met. "Hey gorgeous." She whispered and then turned to Michael. "Hold still for a moment."

Michael huffed but complied as she went off into the bathroom. Castiel eyed the room and saw that it was trashed. Empty beer cans and liquor bottles littered the floor. The mirror was smashed and the carpet torn. He was glad that Michael was standing so that he couldn’t see the bed. He didn’t even dare look down at his own body. Shame filled him when he felt something dribble out of his anus but he made no motion and neither did Michael. He couldn’t meet the older man’s eyes, though, and Michael let him just rest there.

When Anna came back it was with a glass of water and a bathrobe. She flung the bathrobe over his body and pressed the glass against his parched lips. It was difficult to drink in this position and a lot spilled to run down his cheek but that was the least of his worries.

"Let’s get out of here." Anna mumbled when she was satisfied he had drunk enough. "I’ll get his clothes and…" she looked around. "Is there something more you want me to bring, Cassie? Blink once for no, two for yes." She smiled and it was obvious she was trying to lighten the mood but the smile wasn’t reaching her eyes. Castiel blinked once and she nodded.

"Great." Michael said gruffly and Castiel didn’t think he had ever heard his friend’s voice getting that scratchy. "Now let’s get the fuck out of here."

Castiel passed out as they rode the elevator down.

  
  


*****

  
****  


Crowley was clutching a third pen in his hands, the other two broken by his side after his earlier outbursts. He was looking so angry Castiel seriously considered him dying of cardiac arrest.

" _So_." Crowley bit out and Castiel flinched at the sound, the first word spoke since he had entered his boss’ office. " I find myself yet again staring at your mug, Castiel _dear_ , barely two days after our last meeting and why is that, hmm? Care to share with the class? Would you bloody _sit down_?!" he suddenly shouted, snapping his third pen in half as well.

Castiel closed his eyes momentarily and clutched the back of the chair for support. "I can’t." He whispered.

"You can’t." Crowley parroted with venom in his voice. "That’s right, I forgot. Walker wrecked your hole, you must be hurting." He slammed his fist down on the desk, making Castiel jump. "Well, let me tell you what fucking hurts _me_." He rose and leaned over the desk menacingly. " It hurts that my high-income whore is now useless, it hurts that I had to lose a high-profit client over a piece of shit like you and it bloody well hurts that this whole affair has cost me more money than I earned. Do you know how many cops I’ve had to bribe to smooth over Walker’s disappearance?!"

Castiel flinched again at the high note of Crowley’s voice but said nothing. Even though he wanted to point out that it wasn’t his fault Walker had drugged him and tortured him. That it wasn’t his fault Crowley’s bad temper and pride had tempted him into murdering the man instead of just roughing him up. He almost thought he should feel honored about Crowley having someone killed over Castiel’s injury but he just felt sad and tired and slightly fuzzy from the painkillers doc Benton had given him. They didn’t mix very well with his other pills but Castiel couldn’t stop either one.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I’m sorry Mr. Crowley." He said in a robotic voice and Crowley straightened to right his tie.

"You bloody well should be, causing trouble for me like this. This isn’t like you, Castiel, and I don’t like it."

Crowley was right of course, this was nothing like Castiel. He was the good whore, the busy little worker bee that just smiled pleasantly and brought in cash every evening. Where had that bee gone? It was replaced by this filthy thing that took too many drugs and let men rip his hole and put a knife to the flesh around it. This piece of shit mud monkey who looked up at the sun and dreamed of green with a fluttering heart.

"I’m sorry." He whispered again and barely registered that he was crying silently.

"I know you are but how are you planning to make it up to me?" Crowley was studying him coolly when Castiel dared look up. "The doc said it might be a while for you to recover, can’t very well stick anything up a torn ass, can we?" he snorted derisively. "Can’t entertain clients when you’re wearing a diaper."

Castiel flushed crimson. "It’s not _that_ bad." He argued and it was the loudest he had spoken yet.

Doc Benton had told him to stay away from solids for a week and take his pain killers and it would be fine. He had used dissolvable stitches where needed and had told Castiel that it had looked better than they had first thought. Had probably just been the blood making it look worse. Still, Castiel now found himself with stitches in the area around his hole and a dull ache that none of his pills relieved.

"I better fucking hope not." Crowley groused and sat down again. "But you still can’t perform, Castiel, and I don’t care two shits about you if you’re not making me money. Now," he held up a hand to stop Castiel from talking. "I’m not saying you’re finished, I’m just saying get the hell out of here until you are healed enough to be working again."

This couldn’t be true. "I-I can still work." He stuttered. "I can service women only, or… or men with my mouth or I could top, please Mr. Crowley, I—"

"Enough!" Crowley yelled and lashed out to hit his whisky tumbler. It flew off the desk and crashed on the wall, pieces of glass flying everywhere. "You will service no one, Castiel, _no one_. How the hell do you think it will look when you wince and can’t lie on your back, you can’t bloody sit in a chair without cringing! I will not have you tarnish my good name any further." He got to his feet again and walked over to Castiel. Castiel wanted to move out of the man’s reach but all his practiced grace was lost when a sharp stab of pain shot up through his spine. " Look at you." Crowley tutted and grabbed Castiel’s arm roughly. "Can’t even walk straight. You will come back when you are healed and don’t try to fool me, I will check your ass myself. And _don’t_ ," he pulled Castiel in harshly. "Try turning tricks on my streets in the meantime, I _will_ know if you hustle any johns without my involvement. Now," he backed off half a step and held up his other hand, palm up. " Your key."

"K-key?" Castiel mumbled confusedly and stared at the outstretched hand, not even sure he would have been able to follow this conversation turn even if he wasn’t hopped up on pain meds and speed.

Crowley clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "The key to your room, Cassie."

"What?"

Crowley sighed obnoxiously. "Castiel." He said, sounding as if he was talking to a little child. "I own this building and inside it I house my empire. I have my office here, I have a medical facility for my workers, I have a penthouse for myself and smaller condos for my employees, and I have the rooms that I allow you whores to stay in, basically _rent free_ , just as long as you bring me good money. Now, I am a little pricier than other sharks in this business but you whores know that you are protected with me because I take care of my things. I give you shelter and protection but Castiel, darling, it is not for free." He reached up to stroke Castiel on the head. "Do you understand what I’m saying? I let you live here as long as you work for me and until you are healed you can’t work for me so…" his hand snagged in Castiel’s hair and he pulled painfully so that Castiel had to buckle his knees and bend his head back. "Give. Back. The key."

Castiel scrabbled to find it in his pockets. "Please Mr. Crowley." He all but sobbed but Crowley nicked the key all the same and practically threw Castiel to the floor. "Please, this is my only home Mr. Crowley. Please, Fergus, _please_."

Crowley looked down at him and Castiel realized that he was clutching the hem of Crowley’s no doubt expensive suit jacket.

"Enough now, Cassie." Crowley said dismissively and batted his hands away. "You’re embarrassing us both." He walked back to sit behind his desk. "This is not only for you; I don’t want you around my other whores, infecting them with your disobedience. Don’t think I won’t know if you try to stay in their rooms." He warned in a low voice. "Now, the doc said it would take about two weeks for the stitches to disappear, didn’t he? Come back then and we can talk."

Two weeks? He had no food, no money and barely any drugs on him, he wouldn’t last two days. "Where will I go?" he whispered brokenly and watched through tears as Crowley shrugged.

"Should have thought of that before you went and fucked yourself over, shouldn’t you little angel?"

  
  


*****

  
****  


Dean did one last turn in Sam’s apartment before he was satisfied that he had forgotten nothing. It had already been two days since he got the key to his own place and he did not fancy sleeping one more night in his brother’s home. He had signed the contracts to get the key and bought furniture but between working and moving all his stuff he hadn’t gotten around to putting everything together. Plus he’d had to go over to Lisa and sign over the lease on the house to her and fuck, that… that had just been awful.

Lisa had been jovial but Dean couldn’t even look at her right now. She was glowing in that way every movie said pregnant women do and Dean had really thought he had gotten over her but yeah, what she represented for him still made him weak. It was lucky that Sam had gone with him, at least that way he managed to keep his mouth shut when she started asking much too personal questions.

Because he didn’t want to talk to her as if they were still involved, or even friends. Didn’t want to tell her about work, or his new apartment or the fact that he couldn’t even fucking close his eyes without seeing Cas’ face.

So he had basically just signed the papers, gathered what little he had forgotten at the house and bolted. And now here he was, just flinging his toothbrush and left-over mail in a little box and on his way over to his new home. He was actually feeling pretty good about himself, despite the crippling thoughts of Cas. Cas’ anger, Cas’ drug addiction, Cas’ everything. He shouldn’t even be thinking about the man because who was he, really? Dean didn’t know him and he was starting to think he would be better off. Yes, so much better just… justnot with Cas. Yes.

There was a knock on the door just as he was heading over to it and he actually stopped in his steps for a moment, looking at it in his surprise. But then he just shook his head and opened it, excepting the mail man or something.

The sight of the man on the other side made him drop his box.

"Cas!" he exclaimed and stared, wide-eyed, at blue eyes filled with so much pain that Dean’s knees almost buckled.

"Hello, Dean." Cas rasped and quirked his lips in that little secret smile of his. "I am sorry to disturb you."

"You’re not—" Dean drew a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Fuck Cas, just come in." He stepped aside and was immensely relieved when Cas just smiled again and walked past him inside.

He didn’t look well but he was still the best sight Dean had ever seen. Cas walked with a slight limp and he had his arms around his thin torso and was looking awfully pale. Still so very brilliant, though, that Dean could do nothing but stare silently.

"Thank you." Cas mumbled and looked around, clearly noting the box Dean had dropped on the floor, its content spilled, but he didn’t say anything.

Dean shut the door and bent down to pick up the box and his things, very mindful of how close Cas was, almost as if he didn’t want to go too far into the apartment.

"How are you, man?" Dean asked when he straightened and put the box on the drawer by the door. Cas tilted his head as if the question confused him. As if Dean hadn’t witnessed what he had and as if Cas didn’t look like he hadn’t eaten in forever.

"I’m…" Cas stopped to click his tongue. He looked away. "It doesn’t matter, I just came here to thank you, Dean."

Dean wanted to protest that it _did_ matter but only frowned. " Thank me for what? Look, Cas, I don’t have any illusions. I know what I did was wrong but I…" he swallowed but couldn’t continue. Cas watched him with his lips pressed together.

"I shouldn’t have yelled at you, Dean." He said then and it was almost worse, having Cas feel bad about Dean screwing up. "I know you’re a righteous man, it’s not your fault that you reacted the way you did. It… It was admirable, Dean." He looked up and Dean felt his breath catching at the sincerity in Cas’ eyes. "Not everyone would have done what you did for a stranger, so thank you."

 _Stranger?_ Dean shook his head. " You give me too much credit; I wouldn’t have done that for just anyone." He stepped closer and wanted so badly to touch Cas but the man looked as if he was going to run. "I…" he faltered when he realized he didn’t know what he was saying, or admitting, rather.

Cas smiled in that way of his again. "Yes you would have but I appreciate it nonetheless." He drew a deep breath as if readying himself and then put a hand on Dean’s arm. "I just wanted to thank you for caring about me, even though I’m just… just me. So—"

"Cas, are you saying good bye?" yeah, Dean’s voice was totally high-pitched and he started sweating the moment Cas just pressed his lips together again.

Fuck. He had thought he had seen the last of Cas this Sunday when the man stormed off and it had hurt like a bitch. Had hurt more than he was willing to admit and a small part of him had hoped that it wasn’t the last time, that if he went down to that street again Cas would totally be there and as long as Dean had money Cas would always welcome him but… but now Cas was here and why was he here if not to tell Dean to never contact him again? The realization felt like a stab to Dean’s guts.

"Dean." Cas said imploringly and squeezed Dean’s arm and Dean noticed that he was breathing very roughly.

"I’m sorry." He grunted and tried to look away but couldn’t bear to look further than Cas’ shoes, needed at least that much contact.

"Dean, I’m—" Cas cut himself off with a sigh. "I shouldn’t have come here; I just had to see you. It’s selfish of me but I had to tell you that I do appreciate what you did for me, even if I have a bad way of showing it and… And I do not wish to say good bye but I have to leave for a while. Just so you don’t go to the street or anything." He smiled as if he was trying to lighten the mood but Dean’s chest only felt tighter.

"Where are you going?" he asked even though he knew perfectly well that it wasn’t he business. He hoped it was somewhere with beaches.

"I… Um… Away." Cas looked away and it was clear that he was uncomfortable but that just made Dean frown. He was too used to Cas being cool and in control for this not to upset him.

"Cas, are you sure you’re okay?" he grabbed Cas’ hand in his when Cas drew back and that made Cas look up. "Are you high?"

Cas pfft’d and it sounded odd, as if he had never done it before. "No." He smiled but it faltered quickly enough. "Well, not more than usual." He mumbled and Dean wondered if he had ever met the real Cas.

"Tell me what’s going on, please."

"I shouldn’t have come here." Cas whispered and looked away but Dean shook his arm until he had his attention again.

"Tell me."

"I-I got injured." Cas mumbled. "I can’t work, so Crowley threw me out."

"What?" Dean asked dumbly.

Cas sighed and carded his free hand through his already tousled hair. "Crowley owns the building I live in, he lets me live there for free as long as I’m working for him but now that I can’t…" he trailed off with a shrug.

"What kind of injury?" Dean asked in a low voice because he had to fucking know. Cas was standing there, looking as if he had slept on the street, looking like he hadn’t eaten in days, and Dean just had to know, alright?

"I…" Cas sighed again and looked down at their still joined hands. "Walker cut me up. I had to have stitches around my asshole, Dean. I’m a fucking glory hole that’s too trashed to use, a whore who can’t whore out." He shook his head and laughed at himself but the sound was so dead that Dean almost started crying. "And now I have no home."

"But…" Dean wanted to ask about that man that had seemed friendly with Cas. That maybe was a friend? Why couldn’t Cas live with him? He pressed his lips together and yanked Cas in for a rough hug when he realized that he didn’t want that. Cas had come to him, presumably to say good bye and maybe to explain himself, and he hadn’t needed to. He owed Dean nothing and yet he had come here all the same and Dean knew exactly what he wanted to do now. "You can come stay with me, Cas." He said and hugged the other man hard. Cas smelled like rain and stale sweat and Dean fucking loved it.

"But Dean—" Cas put his hands on Dean’s sides and the touch felt like fire.

"No buts Cas." He muttered against the other man’s temple. "Fuck, are you okay? Have you had a doctor check on you?"

"Yes." Cas’ answer was muffled against Dean’s shoulder. "It’s fine, just have to stay away from solids for a while. I have pain killers so it’s fine."

"It’s not fine, stop saying that." Dean ground out through gritted teeth. "Fuck, Walker cut you up and I didn’t even notice, how the fuck could I not see?" the guilt was eating him up but to his surprise Cas was shaking his head.

"It wasn’t on Saturday, it happened after."

Oh fuck. "He cut you because I punched him?" Dean jerked back to look Cas in the eye and Cas looked genuinely surprised.

"I didn’t say that."

"No you didn’t but that was what fucking happened, wasn’t it?" god _damn_ , Dean was so mad he could barely see straight.

"It’s fine, Dean. It’s over now."

"It’s _not_ fine!" Dean yelled and clenched Cas’ arms hard enough to probably hurt. " I did this to you. Fuck that Walker, I don’t care that he’s a big client or whatever, I’m gonna kill him."

"Dean." Cas put his hands on Dean’s chest and fuck, it calmed Dean like nothing else. "I said it’s over, I’m stitched up and Crowley has dealt with Walker, I didn’t come here to lay blame on you. I just…" he bowed his head. "I just had to see you."

Oh God, Dean’s heart just about broke at that.

"Don’t leave, Cas." He mumbled, his face so close to Cas’ hair that he would just have to lean in an inch and he could kiss him on his bowed head. "I have a new apartment now, there’s a spare room in it, just come stay with me."

"I can’t burden you, Dean." Cas said to the floor and Dean shook with the restraint of not hugging Cas again.

"You’re not."

"I can’t pay you."

That was fucking it. Dean let his arms slip around the other man and hugged him again, hard and with Cas’ hands trapped between them and Dean’s face in Cas’ unwashed hair.

"I’m not asking you to. I’m not asking anything of you. You don’t have to come with me but if you don’t you have to promise you’re not going to sleep under a fucking bridge or something. Can you promise that?"

"No." Cas mumbled against Dean’s neck and fuck, Dean shuddered this time.

"Then you’re coming with me."

"I…" Cas shifted out of the embrace and shit, was he crying? No, he was holding back his tears but they were there and that was bad enough. "I can go back to work in like a week or something, maybe I could stay during that time?"

Fuck, Dean wanted him to stay forever and realized in that moment how true that was. Cas was a drug addicted whore, broken and beaten and with a past that Dean could only hope to puzzle together but despite all of that — or maybe because of it — Dean found that he had never wanted another person beside him as much as he wanted Cas.

But he couldn’t say that. Because he was a coward, mainly, but also because it looked like it wasn’t what Cas wanted to hear. So instead he just nodded.

"Sure, Cas." He said and smiled crookedly as he tried and failed to let go of Cas completely. "Stay until you’re healed at least."

"Yeah."

The relief was intense enough for Dean to lose his breath and he hid it by reaching over to pick up the box. "I’m going over to my new place now. Sam and my dad are there to help me with the furniture. Do you wanna come?" _Or do you have something else to do?_ Dean didn’t want to ask that because he didn’t want to know what Cas had done to stay afloat until he came here.

" If it’s not a bother." Cas said and smiled back at him.

"It’s not." Dean said determinedly. "And we can pick up some grub on the way over. I dunno if you’ve ever tried putting together IKEA furniture before but that shit gets you hungry." He grinned widely when Cas’ eyes lit up. Yes, food and maybe a shower and Dean would have Cas smiling again in no time, he hoped.

  
  


*****

  
  


After Cas had all but inhaled the tomato rice soup Dean bought him they headed over to a pizza parlor for something he could feed his brother and dad without them poking fun at him.

Cas looked right at home the second he seated himself in Baby and Dean couldn’t help but feel warm when he sneaked glances at the man while driving. Cas had gotten some color back with the food and he was currently snuggled up against the door, half-asleep, and Dean wondered if he had slept at all since he got thrown out. He was glad Cas felt comfortable enough with him, though, and he wanted to reach over and touch the man but refrained. It would be weird, wouldn’t it? Cas would probably not mind if the gesture was friendly enough but the truth was that while Dean at the moment only wished to comfort the man he couldn’t deny the much less innocent thoughts that reeled through his mind. So, for both their sakes, he sat back and drove in silence.

Because this was weird, and fucked up and holy shit, Cas had been assaulted and was probably high right now and Dean had just let him in. Let him into his home, his car, his life. His… heart? Dean shook his head. One fucked up thing at a time, please.

Still, he had to face reality here and that was that he was bringing home a drug addicted whore and yeah, his family was pretty awesome but that might be a little stretch even for them.

"Hey, Cas?" he said gently because it was hard see from this angle if Cas had fallen asleep or not.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas answered in a gravelly voice so okay, maybe not completely asleep but fuck, that voice…

Dean shifted in his seat. "If anyone asks… I mean, you don’t look great and you’re kind of limping so—"

"I’m sorry, Dean." Cas said immediately and sat up straighter, obviously awake now and Dean kind of hated himself for even bringing this up. "I will try to stop or… I could wait in the car if you want. I can sleep out here."

_What?!_

Cas’ total change in character scared Dean to no wits end. How could this man be the same that had pulled Dean out of his own darkness? How beaten and broken was he and could he even recover? How had he managed to hide it before? Well drugs, Dean assumed and looked over at Cas’ face. The man didn’t look frightened, though, just resigned and it made Dean’s heart sink but just one look into Cas’ blue eyes made Dean realize one thing. This _was_ Cas and fuck, he was still as wondrous as ever to Dean.

" I didn’t say that, Cas." He said firmly and actually reached over now to squeeze Cas’ arm briefly. "I meant what I said before, you’re welcome in my home for as long as you need. I just thought…" he shrugged and let go of Cas before the touch became too enticing. "If anyone asks we’ll say that you broke your tailbone or something. Maybe that you’re short on cash and that’s why you’re crashing with me. I mean, hell, there are bosses out there in real jobs who would sack someone over something like that. It’s not right but it’s true, right? We can just say that, _if_ someone asks."

He sneaked a glance and his heart nearly stopped when he saw Cas’ smile. "Sprained." Was all Cas said and it made Dean furrow his brow in confusion.

"What?"

"We can say I sprained my tailbone. I doubt I’d be walking without a cast if I had actually broken it."

Dean blushed a little and didn’t fucking know why. Cas’ voice was soothing even if it was raspier than usual or maybe it was the rasp that made him blush. Fuck, this was a really serious situation they had found themselves in and all Dean could think about was lying down in bed and let Cas goddamn _cuddle_ him. Dean thought he should feel sick at his own thoughts but so fucking didn’t.

" Okay." He said instead and pressed everything else down. "Smart."

Cas just nodded and sat back again, looking much livelier now and Dean was once again filled with both awe and anxiety at the fact that Cas had come to him when he found himself at the bottom. Maybe Cas had just made Dean a pit stop and had really been intending to hash out the next couple of weeks or maybe Cas had really come to say good bye on his way to suicide, Dean hadn’t really dared to ask and he thought maybe he never would but one thing was clear to him. Cas had deemed Dean a worthy stop on his way and that thought filled a hole deep inside Dean’s soul he never knew he’d had.

  
  


*****

  
  


"So, is he okay?" Sam asked in a low voice where he stood beside Dean as Dean tried to figure out if this was the left of the right side of the couch. Maybe he shouldn’t have bought this shit, Jo had warned him after all. Oh, IKEA is cheap and all but putting it together yourself? He could practically hear her tutting at him but hell, he was a handy guy and so was Sam and John so why couldn’t they do this? Would probably have been easier with all the parts and instructions that didn’t look like they were made by kids, though, he noted grumpily.

"Who?" he mumble and oh, okay! Holding the instructions the right side up might help.

"Who do you think?" Sam rolled his eyes when Dean looked up. "Cas."

Dean clenched his jaw. Cas had barely remembered Sam and Dean had had to remind him before they went inside. And yes, Cas was fighting his limp but he had had a hard time climbing the stairs and Dean had been sorely tempted to just hoist the man into his arms and carry him. Lord knew Cas looked to be light enough for Dean to managed the few steps up to his apartment.

He had also told Cas that Sam didn’t really know anything. That Sam thought he had been raped by a random gang of asshats and that they had drugged him, that that had been his first time. Cas had looked grateful but at the same time tired. As if he didn’t want the lie or maybe as if he didn’t want Dean to have to lie on his behalf but Dean had shrugged the look off. One problem at a time.

The fact was that Cas fit right in with the other two Winchester men and Dean was at first surprised to see the ease with which he handled himself but he soon realized that Cas had reverted back to his, ahem, _professionalism_. Cas was playing the part for appearance’s sake and that made Dean sad for a number of reasons.

For one, it seemed as if that would be hard work for Cas at the moment, for as beaten and down as he had looked down in the Impala he was all smiles and warm gestures now. Surely it was taking its toll having to pretend like that, even if he probably was fairly used to it. And second, this was a Cas more akin to the one Dean had gotten to know and that made Dean gloomy. He realized now that the only time he had really met the real Cas was now and perhaps when they went away to the beach house. The real Cas was slightly neurotic and not at all as smooth as this persona Cas was building in front of everyone else and Dean wanted nothing more than for Cas to stop pretending. To not have to pretend in the first place; to be comfortable enough to be himself. Dean wanted the real Cas, flaws and all.

"He’s fine." Dean said dismissively because they had agreed not to draw attention to Cas but of course the fucking moose picked up on it anyway.

"Are you sure? Because he was pretty down the shithole last I saw him."

"He bounces back like no one else. Now help me hold this." Dean gave his brother what he hoped was the left armrest and sure, Sam took the piece but his eyes never left Cas where he stood a little ways away talking to John.

"And now he’s here, and he’s going to live with you?"

"I told you, he got sacked when he got injured."

"Right. His tailbone."

"Right." Dean made a triumphant noise when he found the right screws. Now he was getting somewhere. But when he looked up he saw that Sam was frowning at him. "What?"

"Dean." Sam said in that frustrating way of his. "I _saw_ him, no one bounces back that fast. And I’m not saying he didn’t get sacked or whatever but he does _not_ have a sprained tailbone, don’t lie to me."

Dean stared challengingly at his little brother for a moment but Sam was clearly not backing down and Dean was tired. "Okay." He hissed eventually and squeezed the package of screws in his fist. "Okay, he hasn’t sprained anything, that raping shit tore him so he had to get stiches, okay?" closer to the truth but not all of it. Better, perhaps? "Are you satisfied now? Don’t you think it’s embarrassing enough for him to tell me, do we have to tell the whole goddamn neighborhood, too?"

Sam’s frown kind of settled. "First of all, don’t get prissy with me, I was _there_ and I’m just concerned. Second, why the hell wouldn’t I be worried when my brother suddenly tells me of this new friend of his only after we find said friend raped and drugged, wouldn’t you think that was odd? And his boss fired him for what? Getting raped? What the hell kind of job does he have that he can’t take a few sick days when he had to get his fucking asshole stitched? Don’t tell me that shit’s legit, he should sue. And third, a guy no one except you knows is suddenly going to live with you for an indefinite amount of time just, just because? I meet this guy for the first time, all broken, on Saturday and now, just little over three days later he’s suddenly here again, helping you with your crappy furniture and flirting with dad."

Wow, okay, Sam had really spared no expense in that rant, Dean thought sourly. And fuck if his little brother didn’t have good arguments but how could Dean explain any of this without telling the actual truth? He didn’t want to do that and he really didn’t think Cas would want that either. So Dean went to his default mode when pressed and turned douche bag.

"Okay, _first of all_ ," he said mockingly. "I’m a grown man, I can make decisions and friends without running them by my family first and second, Cas is _not_ flirting with dad."

Sam gave Dean such a bitch-face that Dean wanted to take a photo and post it on Twitter, hashtag _bitch, please_. His brother then inclined his head and Dean dutifully looked over and fuck, there was Cas, clearly flirting with John and there was John, _eating it up_.

Cas was in full mode, smiling invitingly, leaning closer when John talked enthusiastically and touching John’s arm when he laughed. If he had had longer hair Dean had no trouble imagining Cas flinging it over his shoulder enticingly. And John was smiling back, shifting in his stance, turning more bodily to Cas bit by bit, all probably unconsciously but it made Dean horrified all the same.

"Fuck." He mumbled and heard Sam snort.

"See?"

"Well, he’s… He’s gay so…" Dean was starting to sweat because what the hell, Cas?

"Okay, that’s fine." Sam crossed his arms. "Does he know dad’s married, though? And since when is dad even fair game? I mean Jesus Christ, Cas must be our age."

"Well…" Dean got nothing. No one wants to see their parents in a sexual context and Dean was no exception. And he especially didn’t want to see Cas like that with someone else, no matter who it was. "Excuse me." He mumbled and made his way through the mess in the living room to the hall where Cas and John were standing.

"…and I swear, it was hard sometimes." John was wrapping up one of his old Marine stories just as Dean arrived. "I had to sacrifice a lot for those boys but I’d do it again if I had to, I had to get them home."

"Well they were safe because of you." Cas said in a decidedly husky tone that should _not_ affect Dean right now. Cas leaned in and John let him. " That’s so brave."

"Yeah." John agreed but there was a small hesitation in his voice that Dean never, ever wanted to hear again.

"Hey Cas." Dean interrupted in a too high voice and fuck, John just about jumped three feet into the air. He looked around as if he had been the victim of some kind of spell. Cas just turned his pleasant smile on Dean instead.

"Yes, Dean?" he asked and fuck, Dean’s knees felt weak. The differences between this Cas and the one Dean had had down in his Impala were monumental and he actually found himself reeling a little from the shock. How could one person force his whole demeanor so? Was it even healthy?

"Can I talk to you in the spare room for a moment?"

"Of course, Dean."

Yeah, Dean really wished Cas would stop saying his name right now. He lead the way and was acutely aware of Cas’ presence the whole way. As soon as the door closed behind them Dean had to take a deep breath to prevent himself from turning around and fucking kiss Cas. All he wanted to do was press Cas up against the wall and prove to him that he didn’t need to flirt with other men, prove that all he needed was Dean.

And those thoughts scared Dean just as much as they excited him so he stood for a moment and breathed deeply and Cas, God bless him, Cas let him.

"Cas." He said in a kind voice when he had calmed down and it was lucky, he thought, that he had because when he turned around Cas was looking at him with big doe-eyes. "I need you not to flirt with my dad, okay?" _Or anyone._ Couldn’t say that, though, oh no.

Cas blinked rapidly. "I wasn’t…"

"Yes you were and it’s okay except he’s married so…" and except it wasn’t okay. This was eating Dean up.

Cas just looked at him for a while and then Dean saw realization slowly dawning on Cas’ face. "Oh." He said and actually fucking blushed when he noticed his own faux pas. It was so goddamn adorable that Dean’s breath hitched. "I’m sorry, Dean." He took a step towards Dean and put his hands on Dean’s arms. "I didn’t know I was doing it, I’m so sorry."

"It’s okay." Dean said again and stepped in as well so they ended up much closer than normal for friends. But Cas was looking sad and distressed and Dean wanted nothing more than to hug him and kiss his frown away. "You can flirt with anyone you want, just not, you know, maybe not people around us that are already taken or whatever."

"But Dean." Fuck, Cas moved his hands to rest them on Dean’s chest and Dean took a gentle hold of the man’s elbows when Cas looked down. "I don’t want that, I don’t want to revert back to old habits when I am with you." He shook his head and Dean held his breath. "You are so kind to me, letting me stay here, and I don’t want to repay it by behaving disgustingly. I’m sorry, I know your parents are married."

"You’re not disgusting." Dean mumbled, looking at Cas’ face to see the lines there. Lines created by hardships but also crow’s feet from smiling and every line were equally beautiful to Dean. Fuck, he was falling _hard_. More like crashing at this pace.

" I just didn’t know how to interact with him." Cas continued as if he hadn’t heard what Dean had said and maybe that was for the best. "He frowned at me and I remembered you saying he was a tough love Marine kind of guy and he scared me. I just acted on instinct."

Dean unconsciously moved his hands to Cas’ back and Cas took a step in. "You have a lot of military men as clients?"

Cas nodded. "They’re all basically the same." He swallowed. "And now I’ve just insulted your father, I’m sorry Dean." He looked up with sorrowful eyes and Dean’s heart clenched. "I should just leave, I can’t interact normally with people anymore."

"No." Dean said, perhaps a bit more forcefully than he had intended, and Cas’ eyes rounded out. "No, I don’t want you to leave. Just, I dunno, maybe try not to flirt with people in front of me?" he said it with a crooked smile, intent on making the mood lighter but Cas tilted his head to the side and fuck, was he leaning in?

"I don’t want to flirt with anyone else, ever." He mumbled and yes, Dean was totally meeting him half-way, utterly entranced with Cas’ aura.

"Yeah?" Dean asked, stomach full of butterflies and head swimming with memories of their time at the beach. Of how Cas had smiled at him while they sat on the couch and binge-watched _Dr. Sexy MD_. Lovingly, adoringly. Contentedly.

" Yes." Cas confirmed, the word barely a hiss and their lips were touching now. The barest hint of a kiss and Dean was trembling as Cas fisted Dean’s tee.

The knock startled them both so much so that they practically jumped apart. Dean stared at the door for a second before turning to Cas and smiling sheepishly. Cas actually laughed a little, an almost quite chuckle but it was still the most beautiful sound Dean had ever heard.

"Dean?" Sam asked through the door and Dean went to open it. "What are you doing?" Sam asked with a confused frown. "Dad is probably breaking your couch by now."

They both smirked when they heard John profoundly protesting that statement and then Dean gestured to the mostly empty room behind him.

"We were just discussing how to arrange this room for Cas. Got any bright ideas for a bed?" he asked, totally ignoring Sam’s narrowed eyes because okay, maybe Cas had lost his job and maybe that included losing his own home but surely he had furniture of his own? But Dean just gave his brother a hard stare because, honestly, Dean had barely had any furniture so it wasn’t so far-fetched to think that neither did Cas so just shut the hell up, Sammy.

"Actually," Sam said and really drew out the word. Dean frowned and saw how Cas hugged himself at the tone. He didn’t like it. "I think dad has some suggestions on that part."

Dean’s eyebrows shot to the roof. "Really?"

"I do." John said, magically appearing in the doorway and totally not giving Dean a small heart attack. "Unless Cas wants his own bed you could take your old one."

"My old one?" Dean echoed, totally at a loss and John rolled his eyes in a way that clearly explained where Sam had learned to do that.

"From when you were a kid. You know Mary and I have already utilized your old rooms but a lot of your old crap is just sitting there in the basement. Mary can’t seem to throw it away."

Dean had to fight the blush that threatened to climb up his cheeks at the thought of Cas sleeping in the bed Dean had slept in for so long. The bed he had made out with his first girlfriend in, had his first wet dream in, masturbated for the first time…

"That could work." He croaked and just about avoided everyone’s eyes. Sam was narrowing his eyes, Cas was smiling amusedly and John nodded.

"Great. We’ll fix this couch of yours and then we’ll head over to Bobby’s to get the trailer."

"Sure." Dean mumbled and they trotted back out into the living room but he stopped Cas in the hallway. "Um, Cas if… if you wanna take a shower or something you don’t have to ask me, you live here now too." He said, not quite looking at the man. He didn’t mind that Cas wasn’t exactly clean — he actually thought he minded a bit too little but never mind that right now — but he thought maybe Cas did. It was still awkward suggesting this, though, as if Cas was filthy. "I mean, not that I think you stink or anything." He hastened to add and, just because he hadn’t embarrassed himself enough, he continued. "I think you smell nice, actually, I just thought, you know—"

Cas interrupted his rambling by putting a hand on his arm, smiling widely. "Thank you, Dean." He said and Dean was blushing now, no denying that because had he actually admitted to liking Cas’ scent? Fuck. "Towels?" he asked and Dean nodded dumbly before leading the way to where he thought he had put the boxes with the towels in.

And if he fumbled while helping John and Sam with the couch because he thought of Cas naked and wet in his shower, well, Dean was only human after all.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your wonderful comments and encouragements! I hope y’all know what you mean to me <3 =D


	8. Never me let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Very_ excited about this chapter!  
>  Also, double-post coming up with chapter 9 being posted later today =D

  
  


Dean’s family had taken to Cas like a child to a puppy and Dean couldn’t be more relived about that. Oh, they had been coolly polite to begin with, as most people ultimately are with new people but then Dean relayed the made-up sob story about Cas’ injury and consequent sacking and Cas had just bobbed his head noncommittally in answer to the horrified stares he received from both Mary and Jess. That had kind of broken the ice, so to speak, and Dean was just glad that Sam apparently hadn’t told Jess about Cas.

Both women had taken it as their personal mission to make Cas feel welcome and Mary had taken one look at Cas’ skinny frame — made even skinnier by the too big clothes he had borrowed from Dean after his shower and that totally didn’t make Dean stare or nothing because holy shit, Cas was _wearing Dean’s clothes_ — and declared that as soon as they were done with the move they would stay for dinner. Dean knew what that tone meant and instantly knew Cas probably wouldn’t be able to stomach one of Mary’s five course dinners right now.

" How about your potato soup?" he had asked in a high voice and while Cas had looked grateful Sam had just narrowed his eyes. But Sam was nothing if not a very, _very_ , good little brother so he had only needed about two seconds of scowling from Dean to turn to Mary and smile.

"That sounds great mom." He had said cheerily. "It’s been too long."

"Well," Mary had said, a little confused but flattered. "I didn’t know you liked it so much but sure."

Sam had been hugging Jess while they talked and somehow she had known this was important, bless her curly haired brain.

"Why don’t you and I go grocery shopping while the boys fix with the furniture, Mary?" she had said and Mary had nodded. Dean had made a mental note to thank her later when it wouldn’t sound so suspicious.

They spent more time than they had anticipated, cleaning out the basement to find Dean’s bed and a lot of other stuff from his boy room that Mary didn’t want to throw away but that John now thought would be perfect in Dean’s new apartment. A lamp here and a bedside table there and it started looking like they would have enough to actually furniture the whole spare room for Cas.

They enlisted Bobby’s help after they had snagged his trailer and with him and the three Winchesters they got the moving part underway pretty fast. Cas offered to help, of course, but Dean wouldn’t let him and was relieved when even John said no because no one with a sprained tailbone should have to carry heavy loads. Bobby made Cas help with the smaller stuff instead and that was good, Dean thought, because he could tell Cas wanted to feel helpful. So Cas coordinated them as they hauled the heavy furniture, he read the instructions as they assembled the chairs and table Dean had bought for the kitchen and he proved himself exceptionally good at driving in reverse with a trailer.

As the evening wore on and as Bobby clapped Cas on the shoulder and Sam smiled thankfully at him when he handed the youngest Winchester a screwdriver, Dean saw the Cas he had seen at the beach house peek through. The sight made Dean’s chest swell and he had to control himself before he reached out and pulled Cas into a hug.

It was after several hours and two phone calls from Mary about dinner that they decided to call it. They had moved the biggest stuff anyway and had put together enough so that Dean and Cas would be able to live in the apartment from now on. Dean climbed into his Baby with the hugest grin on his face and with Cas in the passenger seat.

"Hungry?" he asked as he turned on the radio to blast Zeppelin as he drove after John’s truck.

"I am, actually." Cas answered as if he hadn’t thought he would be.

Dean beamed at him. "Lucky mom cooks for a whole army then."

Cas turned to him and smiled back, making Dean’s stomach flutter. "I look forward to it."

  
  


*****

  
  


The conversations flew more and more effortlessly as the dinner wore on and even more so after John brought out something little to the coffee. Dean actually felt better than he had in a long time, just sitting there with his family around him and Cas on his right side. They talked about everything and nothing and they were thankfully not hounding Cas with a thousand questions. Just the few compulsory, like where he had worked — Cas said he had been in advertising and Dean had wondered briefly if that was just something Cas said or something he had actually wanted — and of course how long he and Dean had known each other; how they had met. Dean had swooped in and told them the closest thing to the truth; that he and Cas had bonded over broken hearts just after Dean and Lisa had spilt up. Cas had just smiled that secret smile that made Dean’s legs go all jelly.

So Dean was in a good place and it took him a little while to notice that Cas was looking paler and paler. Cas was nearly ashen in the face when Dean finally caught on and he looked as if he was going to pass out.

Dean turned to the man and hoped that Bobby and John fighting over the latest football game had distracted everyone else from Cas.

"Hey?" he mumbled and touched Cas’ bare arm with his fingertips. The man’s skin was clammy to the touch and Dean wanted to pull away but wrapped his hand around Cas’ arm instead. "You okay?"

Cas swayed a little in his seat and then turned to Dean with glossy eyes. "I’m just going to use the bathroom." He answered in a low voice and Dean nodded with a frown.

"Second down the hall."

Cas made a bob with his head and stumbled off without another word and okay, Dean was officially worried. Cas had after all been through what Dean would call hell and now he had forced the man to help with this move all day, no wonder he was tired. But fuck, he had looked so much better after he had showered that Dean had all but forgotten the drenched kitten look Cas had had when he had showed up this morning. And Dean had selfishly wanted Cas with him all day. A logical albeit small part of him had suggested that he tell Cas to stay with Mary and Jess during the day but he had squashed it down. He had wanted Cas where he could see him and of course Cas was feeling like shit now.

It was a wonder, Dean thought with increasing panic, that Cas had managed to stay on his feet for as long as he had. And he had probably been pushing himself for Dean’s benefit as well, which of course only made Dean feel worse.

Dean gritted his teeth when after ten minutes Cas still hadn’t returned. He rose and started collecting plates, making a show of helping with cleanup but as soon as he was in the kitchen he put the dishes down in the sink and walked the roundabout way over to the bathroom so the occupants of the dining room wouldn’t see.

He knocked gingerly on the door. "Cas?" he asked in a low voice. "It’s just me, are you okay?" he could after all just be trying to take a dump. God knew that had to be trying for him, Dean thought with blossoming cheeks.

But to his surprise the lock clicked open a second later and the door opened to reveal a decidedly crappy-looking Cas. He looked even grayer than he had in the dining room, his lips were trembling and his eyes flicked erratically as if he couldn’t calm down. He was sweaty and it looked as if he had splashed his face with water to help with that but it didn’t look like it had made a difference.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean breathed and pushed his way inside so he could lock the door behind him again. "What’s going on?"

"I-I…" Cas wrung his hands but Dean realized that it wasn’t a nervous tick but that Cas was trying to stop them from shaking. "I need my pills."

"Do you mean your pain meds? I think maybe mom has…" he trailed off when Cas made a pained noise and realization dawned. Of fucking course Cas didn’t mean his pain meds. "Fuck." He said again and carded his hand through his hair. "Is-is this withdrawal? Fuck, what do I do? Where are your pills?"

Okay, yes, Dean was completely aware that he probably shouldn’t indulge Cas in his actually very harmful addiction but he couldn’t see Cas like this. It was one thing if Cas was trying to stop or maybe if he was in rehab or something but like this, after having been with the man for only half a day and locked in his parents’ downstairs bathroom, he couldn’t fucking do anything but want to fix the problem as fast as possible, even if it meant giving Cas drugs.

"In my jeans." Cas ground out, looking increasingly desperate and Dean grabbed his shaking hands.

"Great, just—wait." In _Cas’_ jeans, the jeans that he had left in the spare room of Dean’s apartment after he had showered and Dean had made him put on clean clothes even if that meant he would have to borrow Dean’s too big ones.

" Dean." Cas all but whined and Dean couldn’t take it.

"Okay, Cas, it’s okay." He took a deep breath and fished the keys to the Impala out of his pocket. "Just go wait in the car, I’m gonna tell everyone you’re feeling tired because of your injury and I’ll be right out. It’s gonna be okay, I’m gonna drive you home. Just go wait in the car, gimmie a minute."

"‘Kay." Cas nodded but it looked jerky and Dean couldn’t help himself, he pulled Cas in and kissed him quickly on his sweaty forehead.

"It’s gonna be fine, babe." Dean mumbled with his lips against Cas’ skin and then they were out of the bathroom, Dean not even reflecting on what he had called the other man.

Cas stumbled out the front door while Dean turned into the dining room.

"Hey, guys?" Dean clapped his hands together and effectively cut off the rant about the 49’ers. Everyone turned to him and he tried smiling and hoped it looked sincere. "I really appreciate your help today but I’m gonna have to give you a raincheck on that payback." He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Cas forgot his pain meds at the apartment and he’s feeling shitty, so we’re gonna head home now."

"Oh no." Mary said with a clearly worried frown on her face. "I have some if he need—"

"‘S fine, mom." Dean interrupted and cleared his throat. "He’s got prescription ones so… Yeah, we’re gonna head out now."

Mary nodded and stood up to hug him and so did Jess. They all said their goodbyes and Dean promised to thank them more properly for their help another time, a time when Cas’ wellbeing wasn’t on his mind.

Sam gave him a strange stare just as he stepped out but Dean chose to ignore it for now, thankful that Sam hadn’t revealed anything and seemingly hadn’t even said anything to Jess.

He hastened to exit the house and when he got outside he saw that Cas was standing by the car, leaning against her but bent down with his hands on his knees. On closer inspection Dean noticed a small puddle between Cas’ feet that looked mostly like bile and spit.

"You okay?" he asked when he stopped in front of the other man and Cas straightened with a pained expression.

"I’m sorry, Dean." He said in a decidedly raspy voice.

Dean shook his head. "It’s fine, we’ll get you home, alright?"

"I shouldn’t get in your car; I don’t want to vomit all over her."

Dean gritted his teeth and stepped in, cradling Cas’ face gently in his hands. "Look, I don’t care about that, okay? I can wash that shit out if it happens. I just want you safely home."

And _fuck_ , Dean realized in that moment how true that was and what that actually meant. He would actually willingly sacrifice his beloved Impala for Cas’ benefit and that… that was actually more meaningful than anyone probably would understand. Dean felt shaken to the core but hid it best he could.

"Okay." Cas whispered and put his hands over Dean’s trembling ones.

"Just please be okay." Dean mumbled and bent down to gently press his lips against Cas.

Cas tasted like sweat, bile and perfection and Dean had to force himself away so he wouldn’t fall too hard. Had to keep a clear head and make good on his promises.

He opened the door for Cas and shut it only when he had helped Cas put on the seatbelt and as he drove them home he thought through his options, few as they seemed and he felt more helpless than ever.

  
  


*****

  
  


As soon as they were inside the door Castiel all but threw himself in the direction of the spare room, nearly ripping his jeans pocket when he got there to produce the little bottle of colorful pills. There weren’t many left and he staggered to think about what he would do when they ran out. He had tried to cut back before and it had always been awful but this was torture. Today was the longest he had gone between pills and it really showed.

He sank to his knees on the floor beside the bed Dean had lent him, reeling from the need and swallowing too many pills at once, eyes too unfocused to see when he counted them out and mind too impatient to care. He sighed when he swallowed and hoped it wouldn’t take too long to work.

As he sat waiting he tried to keep his mind blank but it was difficult. He was after all in Dean’s apartment and somewhere in it was Dean himself. He hadn’t followed Castiel into the room and for that Castiel was thankful. He was already ashamed of his… well his everything, and for Dean to actually see him popping the pills would be just another notch in the post that read _you’re not good enough for him_.

Shit, Dean had looked so worried, as if Castiel was someone to worry over and as if this wasn’t his own goddamn fault. They had been sitting there, having a perfectly fine family dinner like nothing Castiel had ever experienced and of course he would have to fuck it up by forgetting his pills here.

But everything had just been so… so wonderful. He had gone to say good bye to Dean because he was weak and just had to see the other man one more time and then Dean had done this. Had turned the tables, thrown out all the fucking rules and just accepted Castiel with open arms. Somewhere a particularly fucked up God was laughing at Castiel right about now, he was sure, because there was no way he was getting to keep this.

He opened his eyes when he realized he had closed them but he didn’t know how long he had been sitting there except he had started feeling less paranoid and jumpy. Felt calmer and like he could breathe again. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Started feeling pretty fucking good, actually.

He looked down to the bottle he had been clutching and counted the pills he had left. Okay, if he wasn’t killing himself — and it was starting to look like that — he would have to try and get back to Alastair and get more very soon. Problem was money. Should probably call Balthazar first, he did after all have a spare key to Castiel’s room and had probably already cleared out everything he believed to be of value. He would have to call Balthazar and tell him about the money in the sock. Dean’s money.

Castiel looked up and blinked as if he saw the room for the first time since he entered. Dean’s spare room with Dean’s old bed and Dean’s sheets. Castiel started feeling hot and pulled at the collar of the tee he was wearing. Dean’s tee. Where was the man?

Castiel stumbled to his feet, feeling lightheaded and happy about the thought of Dean. He may not be worthy of Dean’s affection but as long as Dean allowed him to live here he was at least allowed to look at the man.

He did the round through the kitchen and living room, hoping for the most obvious places but of course not. He glanced at the bathroom door when he walked past but it wasn’t even closed so he went over to Dean’s bedroom door and knocked gently.

There was no answer but he opened anyway, needing to see Dean and definitely needing to apologize for his behavior. But he dreaded going into Dean’s bedroom. He had had a hard enough time controlling himself that weekend at the beach and Dean had actually paid for his presence then, now he wasn’t even sure what Dean wanted with him. He remembered the little kiss Dean had given him outside his parents’ house, though, and couldn’t help but want.

"Dean?" he asked as he peeked inside and immediately spotted the other man.

Dean was sitting on his rumpled bed, elbows on his knees and head in hands, but he looked up as soon as Castiel spoke.

"Cas?" he asked and oh boy, Castiel had to take a deep breath so he wouldn’t throw himself at the man. Dean was looking positively wrecked and for some reason that translated as beautiful as fuck to Castiel’s blown mind.

Dean’s green eyes were shiny from unshed tears and it made them seem greener than ever. His cheeks were rosy and it made his freckles stand out more prominently. His hair looked spiky as if he had been tugging it and his bottom lip was redder and definitely swollen, probably from him biting it. Yes, Dean looked like the definition of sex right now, even through his obvious sorrow.

Castiel’s heart clenched for a number of reasons, the main being Dean’s sadness and the fact that this man couldn’t be his. A part of him knew that Dean was sad because of him and that part told him that Dean would be better off without Castiel here, even if Dean didn’t know it yet. But the pills were strong and plenty this time and they beat down many, if not all, of Castiel’s reasonable arguments for him to leave. So he stayed and fuck if he didn’t almost sport a semi already, just from seeing Dean. Dangerous.

"Are you okay?" Castiel asked and stepped fully into the room.

Dean looked at him as if he was retarded and then he was suddenly up on his feet, advancing on Castiel and looking pissed off. Castiel was immediately reminded of the fact that Dean was big and strong. He worked with his hands and he had floored a grown man with one punch. Dean often seemed so soft when he was with Castiel but the truth was that he was stronger than he appeared and Castiel knew this, instinctually because he had held Dean in his arms and felt the muscles, but now he saw it as well.

Dean slammed the door shut and pushed Castiel up against it with his body, his hands on either side of Castiel’s head.

"Am _I_ okay?" he asked in a shaky voice and okay, he wasn’t angry but scared, Castiel realized now. Still strong, though. Stronger than Castiel by far and fuck what a turn on that was.

" Yes?"

"Why the hell are you asking me that? What about _you_? You were the one that…" Dean looked down and bit his lip, no doubt completely unaware of what that did to Castiel’s cock.

Castiel had to swallow slowly to keep his composure, calm the hell down, libido. Probably shouldn’t have taken so many pills, that never ended well for him and now, with the object of his desires almost pressed up against him, it was proving disturbingly difficult not to act on his feelings.

He put his hands on Dean’s upper arms, barely suppressing a moan at the feeling of firm muscles. He squeezed reassuringly to calm not only Dean but also himself down. And it seemed it worked on Dean’s behalf. Yes, Dean always seemed much calmer when they were touching. Too bad it usually had the opposite effect on Castiel. Normally he would be professional enough to hide it pretty well but now, out of his office and pumped on speed, now might be a tad more difficult…

"I’m okay, Dean." He rumbled, unable to control the level of his voice and a sick part of his brain knew the effects it usually had on Dean and he wanted it, wanted Dean to look at him with lust-filled eyes.

When Dean looked up Castiel got his wish because holy shit, Dean’s eyes were blackening already. "Cas." He nearly whined and how could that be true? How could such a big and strong man like Dean so easily bend to Castiel? It wasn’t fair, it was Castiel’s every wet dream come true and he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t but… but Dean was eyeing Castiel’s lips and Castiel licked them just to be an asshole.

"What is your color, Dean?"

Dean’s eyes shot up to Castiel’s and his gears were definitely turning but then he exhaled in a shudder and leaned impossibly closer, lips almost touching Castiel’s.

"Green." He breathed and put his hands on Castiel’s hips. "Touch me, Cas, please. I need you."

Castiel growled and wasn’t even sorry. His arms were lifting of their own accord and he was tearing at Dean’s tee in his eagerness to get it off. Dean moaned when they finally kissed and Castiel swallowed it greedily. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he recognized the fact that he should have brushed his teeth before coming here but this hadn’t been his intention — it hadn’t! — and there was nothing he could do about it now. Dean certainly wasn’t complaining.

They ripped each other’s tees off and in the tumult they switched places, much to Castiel’s delight. He now had Dean pressed up against the door, hips rolling against the taller man and Dean was keening against Castiel’s mouth every time their hard cocks brushed together.

The weariness Castiel had felt in his bones when he woke this morning was as if blown away and he knew not even the pills could have given him a high like this. There was nothing like kissing Dean, touching him, worshiping him. Castiel wanted to do it all to this man, had wanted it for far too long and now that they were here, in Dean’s bedroom pressed together like this, he didn’t even know where to start.

Ever since he first spotted Dean sitting there in his beloved car, looking crestfallen, he had found the man fascinatingly beautiful but never would he have imagined he would stand here, in Dean’s home with Dean pliant in his arms. If it had been one of his fellow whores that had approached Dean first would it have been them here now, Castiel wondered not for the first time. The thought was a painful one and he suppressed it by claiming Dean’s lips in a possessive kiss.

Dean moaned brokenly and Castiel felt the man’s calloused hands skim down his back but they stopped at the swell of his ass and Castiel knew why. Dean was far too considerate to forget Castiel’s injury and while that made Castiel’s heart skip almost uncomfortably it also made him irritated in this moment. He needed Dean’s hand on him and he needed it now. Had needed for too long. And sure, he was still a patchwork down there but they could do other things. Oh there was so much else Castiel wanted to do to Dean that his dick jumped in his — Dean’s — jeans at the mere thought.

"Fuck, Cas, I wanna feel you." Dean breathed and Castiel answered by growling again and travelling down Dean’s taut neck to nibble at his pulse. Dean’s breath hitched wonderfully and when Castiel brought one hand up to pinch lightly at Dean’s nipples the man shuddered forcefully. "Need you." He ground out in a strangled voice and Castiel could hardly contain his delight.

He was himself rock-hard and leaking in his underwear, glad he had at least kept that part of his own clothes so he wouldn’t have to stain Dean’s. He slotted a knee between Dean’s legs and Dean immediately surged for the gratifying friction, grinding himself mercilessly against Castiel’s leg.

"Tell me what you want, Dean." Castiel rasped and this wasn’t about Dean being some client that Castiel had to satisfy, this was about him _wanting Dean_ satisfied.

" I want… I want…" Dean gasped and buried his head in the crook of Castiel’s neck, blushing. It was adorable in a way that made Castiel feel protective.

He snaked a hand around Dean to press against his rump, bringing their crotches closer, and moaned at the friction that created.

"Tell me, Dean." He cooed against Dean’s flushed ear. "You’re safe with me. Anything you want."

Dean let out a broken sob and desperately clutched Castiel closer as he opened his mouth to breathe harshly against Castiel’s neck. Goosebumps formed and Castiel shivered from the arousal that coursed through him at the sensation.

"I want you inside me." Dean whispered, clearly uncomfortable saying it but _fuck_ , his cock definitely jumped at his own words.

Castiel groaned deeply and pressed Dean roughly against the door, pressing his dick against the other man’s hip to get more friction but also to calm himself the fuck down. Having Dean admitting something like that, in such an innocent voice, it was doing things to Castiel’s already high mind. Naughty things.

"Don’t push yourself Dean." He said with impressing restraint.

But he didn't want Dean to think he had to do something like that. Once, when they had first met, Dean had claimed to be straight, and even though later actions had done nothing but prove to Castiel that Dean might have to reevaluate that statement it was difficult for him to know if Dean had said it because he didn’t want to admit to liking guys or because he honestly hadn’t known.

In any case he was pretty certain Dean was into men, or at least into what they did, but he was still very aware of the fact that much of this was new territory for Dean and he didn’t want the man doing something with him that he would regret.

Dean was shaking his head. "I want to, Cas." He said and actually leaned out to meet Castiel’s eyes. "My color’s green, please Cas."

Castiel’s breathing stuttered. Was Dean even aware of how he looked right now? People called Castiel gorgeous but they had obviously never laid eyes on Dean Winchester in the throes of passion.

He swallowed dryly and only very barely managed to tear himself away. "On the bed." He rasped, trying to school his voice in that bedroom voice that always worked but probably failed.

Dean didn’t seem to mind the tone of his voice, though; in fact he seemed very affected as he all but stumbled over to his bed. He pushed the covers away and nearly fell down on it in his eagerness. Castiel walked slowly over to the other man, probably grinning like an idiot but hell, he had Dean all sprawled out before him, wanting and willing.

"Do you have lube and condoms?" he asked as his eyes raked down Dean’s heaving chest. It was beautiful, all bulging muscles glistening with sweat.

"D-drawer." Dean managed and flailed in the general direction of the bedside table.

Castiel glanced over at it, only mildly surprised that Dean had managed to unpack that when he hadn’t even slept in this apartment one night yet. Then again, he was also a man and knew the important stuff from the less important. After all, who the fuck needed to know where they had packed the cutlery when they were hard and in need of lube for release?

"Take off your pants." He growled and went over to the table to rummage around the drawer. The furniture had that new furniture smell but the tube of lube was old and used, as was the package of condoms, Castiel noted with a small smile.

When he turned back he nearly had a heart attack. Dean was lying across the bed, his calves still hanging off the side, completely naked and flushed, with his dick in hand but not stroking, seemingly just holding it as if to reassure himself. Castiel had never felt so possessive in his whole life and if he hadn’t been so pumped up on speed he probably would have been scared of himself.

As it was now, however, he just smirked triumphantly as if he had won first price and beaten someone a lot more deserving to the punch.

He walked over and gently stroked up Dean’s leg with his left hand. "So beautiful, Dean." He whispered reverently and watched in awe how Dean shuddered. He seated himself on the floor between Dean’s legs and put the condom and the lube down for now, opting instead to grab Dean’s legs and haul him to the edge of the bed. Dean made a surprised sound but accommodated accordingly, with his feet up on the edge and his legs spread for Castiel. "My beautiful man." Castiel continued, unaware that he was talking out loud. "Strong and big, all laid out for me."

"C-Cas?" Dean mumbled from up on the bed when Castiel put his hands on the backs of Dean’s thighs and pushed slightly. Dean went willingly despite his hesitation and Castiel outright moaned at the sight presented before him.

Dean’s taint was a dark shade of rosy red and just below was the puckered flesh that Castiel still remembered in his dreams. Dean’s hole fluttered and then clenched when Castiel breathed against it. Dean was holding his breath in the wake of the unexpected but he probably knew where this was headed, Castiel thought.

He let go of Dean’s legs and grabbed at Dean’s ass cheeks instead, holding the man’s ass open and then promptly bent in to lick a wide strip all the way from Dean’s hole to his balls.

"F- _fuck_!" Dean exclaimed and his hips stuttered abortively.

" Color?" Castiel pressed out even though all he wanted was to dive back in. Dean tasted clearly of man and musk and Castiel needed to get his tongue down there almost more than he needed to plunge his dick inside Dean’s heat.

"Y-yellow." Dean bit out and Castiel wanted to groan but just sat up straighter to meet Dean’s eyes. Dean looked wide-eyed at him and for a moment Castiel’s heart stopped at the sight of this man, this wondrous man. "But don’t stop." Dean said in a small voice and Castiel smiled that smile he reserved only for Dean.

"Tell me if it changes." Castiel said huskily and bent down to quickly continue, unable to stay away now that he had gotten permission.

He licked with a wide tongue for a while, almost lapping and Dean was squirming on the bed but not pulling away. Castiel couldn’t get enough. He pressed closer, breathing in deeply and then speared his tongue, prodding at Dean’s hole and Dean yelped when he breached the rim. It was the most beautiful sound Castiel had ever heard and he had to reach down to squeeze himself once before he placed his hand back on Dean.

He licked in and around the hole and when he sucked down on it Dean bucked his hips hard. He was panting now, Castiel could hear, and when Castiel came up for a breath he saw that Dean’s dick was rock-hard and leaking against his hip, just like last time he had had his ass played with.

"Do you touch yourself here, Dean?" he asked because he couldn’t not ask with Dean looking so deliciously innocent even through his apparent arousal.

Dean’s breath hitched. "N-no." He stuttered and refused to look at Castiel’s eyes as Castiel let one finger slip in to the first knuckle. It went effortlessly after he had eaten Dean out so well. "I wanted to after we… But I couldn’t."

"And why is that?" Castiel asked, probably sounding much calmer than he felt. Just the thought of Dean experimenting with his own fingers was making Castiel leak fat drops of precome.

"I wanted it to be you." Dean whispered then and completely shattered what little composure Castiel had left.

The sound that escaped him was little more than an animalistic growl and Dean’s eyes flew wide open at it. He rose to his elbows when Castiel climbed on the bed to hover above him, forcing him up the bed and spreading his legs even as Castiel flicked the top off the tube of lube.

"You have no idea what you do to me, do you, Dean?" he asked, his voice a hoarse croak and Dean shuddered helplessly. "No one, _no one_ , affects me like you do." He leaned down to hitch Dean’s legs up around his waist so he could comfortably reach Dean’s hole with his lubed fingers. "You drive me insane." He hissed with his mouth close enough to Dean’s that their lips touched.

"Yes." Dean whispered back and Castiel was too far gone, high on the drug and high on Dean, to stop his fingers from plunging in.

Dean’s back arched and he gasped but Castiel swallowed it with a heated kiss, all tongue and teeth and fucking hell, Dean was clutching at Castiel, pulling him down against him and kissing back just as fiercely.

Dean was taking three fingers in no time and was bucking just as wonderfully as last time they had done this but this time Castiel didn’t have a cockring on and if they didn’t get a move on soon he risked ruining it by blowing in his underwear. But he wanted two things first. Wanted Dean begging and wanted Dean loose enough.

Well, apparently his had his good fairy godmother with him this night because as soon as the thoughts left his mind he got them fulfilled.

Dean wailed when Castiel found his prostate and suddenly his legs around Castiel’s waist were squeezing almost unbearably tight.

"Cas." Dean sobbed. "Cas, I need you. I can’t take it anymore, I want to feel you."

"Dean." Castiel rumbled and watched in awe how Dean arched his back at the mere sound of his voice. "I won’t hurt you. I have to make sure you’re ready."

"I’m fucking ready as I’ll ever be, Cas." Dean ground out even as he was fucking himself on Castiel’s fingers. "I feel like I’m gonna blow. I want you inside when I do. Please, Cas."

Castiel bent down to kiss Dean once on his trembling lips, more a kiss of reassurance than anything else, and then straightened to sit back on his knees. He pulled his fingers gently from Dean’s hole, testing the flexibility on the way out and finding it satisfying. Dean moaned at the feeling and it felt as if he was trying to keep Castiel inside. He couldn’t wait to put his cock in there.

He quickly shimmied out of the remainders of his clothes and knee-walked back to Dean’s writhing body. He ripped the condom wrapper with his teeth and quickly rolled it on. Had to squeeze once around the head but other than that he let himself have nothing. His dick was painfully hard and he wanted relief like nothing else but he needed it to be Dean’s body that gave it to him.

He saw that Dean was looking down at his cock and his eyes were wide, possibly a little scared, and Castiel felt his heart overpower his arousal. He draped his body over Dean’s and kissed the man gently. Dean made a pitiful sound at the back of his throat and kissed back desperately.

"Tell me." Castiel mumbled against Dean’s lips and felt Dean exhale slowly.

"Yellow." Dean said and Castiel nodded, glad that the pills hadn’t taken away his ability to read Dean correctly. "But I still want…" Dean took a deep breath and took Castiel’s face in his hands, looking determined. "I want you."

Castiel pressed his lips together but couldn’t help the little smile that forced its way through his serious façade. He nodded and bent down to kiss Dean again, quickly, before he rose to his knees to align himself.

Dean drew his legs back, almost as if on reflex and Castiel smiled to himself when he grabbed his dick in one hand to steady himself and Dean’s hip in the other.

The resistance was almost painful. Dean was clearly prepped but he was still new at this and the clench was both wonderful and tortuous. Dean made choked off sounds and was fisting the sheets in white-knuckled hands and Castiel understood him. He had been on the receiving end of a lot of dicks and it always felt different yet that first time was etched in his mind like nothing else. And he knew it hurt but couldn’t do anything else but go slow, inch by inch, and when he was half-way in he paused to catch his own breath and just appreciate Dean.

Dean was panting harshly through his nose, his flushed chest heaving and he had his eyes open, staring at the ceiling with clenched jaws. Yeah, that was just about what Castiel had expected for Dean’s first time but he was glad to note that Dean’s erection, while diminished, hadn’t died down completely.

"So good, Dean." He cooed and gently gripped Dean’s dick. Dean made a surprised sound when his dick jumped to life and he closed his eyes. Castiel started stroking him slowly. "You feel so good, you have no idea. So warm and tight, all for me. Can’t believe you’re giving this to me." He felt Dean relax a little and he slid in a bit more, the friction delicious.

Dean was making little whimpering sounds that drove Castiel crazy but he just kept up his slow pace on both the push and his hand on Dean and when he fucking finally bottomed out Dean was back to full hardness. He let go and put both of his hands on Dean’s hips, undulating his own to get the feel right and just relishing the feeling of his balls pressed tightly against Dean’s ass.

"Cas." Dean moaned out and Castiel dick jumped inside Dean. That certainly caught Dean’s attention and he yelped again, looking at Castiel as if he held all the answers.

Castiel chuckled darkly and gathered his knees under Dean to get the right angel. "Feel okay?" he asked and thought he had never heard his own voice go so low.

Dean’s eyes became lidded at the sound and he nodded jerkily. "I want you to move."

Castiel nodded with a grin and pulled out slowly only to push in almost immediately. He kept the shallow thrusts up for a while, until he felt Dean rolling back against him, and then he pulled out further, slamming back in. Dean screamed wordlessly and threw his head back, his eyes rolling into his skull and fuck, that was the best sight Castiel had ever seen.

He loved being in control of another person’s arousal but there was something with Dean squirming and moaning beneath him that made him lose all finesse. He just pulled back out and thrust sharply back in again and again and again.

Dean was soon rolling with him again, meeting every thrust and moaning a broken string of unintelligent noises. The loveliest noises Castiel had ever heard. He changed his angel and Dean wailed again, his whole body locking up for a moment before he started thrashing more forcefully against Castiel, trying to get the friction on his prostate on every try.

"So beautiful, Dean." Castiel groaned and Dean grasped Castiel’s arms desperately. "Never felt anything better, so good for me, making me lose it much too soon. Dean, I can barely take it." He wasn’t even aware of what he was saying, would never admit such things normally, but Dean was wringing every truth from Castiel’s body as if he was made for it.

"Cas, I can’t anymore, I need to come." Dean gasped sharply and Castiel bent down to kiss him harshly which Dean returned full force.

"It’s alright, Dean." He cooed. "I’ve got you, let go for me." He reached down to gather Dean closer in one arm as the other hand gripped Dean’s straining cock. He started stripping it fast, wanting to match the thrusts with his own but couldn’t even hope to accomplish that with the intensity this high.

And as soon as Castiel’s hand wrapped around his dick Dean _mewled_ against Castiel’s mouth and his legs squeezed painfully around Castiel’s waist.

" Gonna… Gonna…" he panted with every thrust and Castiel nodded as he bent down to lick at Dean’s sweaty neck.

"Yes, Dean, do it. Come all over us. Do it for me, my Dean, my beautiful man."

"Cas!"

Dean’s whole body jerked when he came, his dick expanding in Castiel’s grip and spurting hot come all over their chests and stomachs. Dean moaned a continuous string of _CasCasCas_ even as his inner walls clenched in time with his dick’s pumping and Castiel couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t fucking hold back when Dean was spasming so wonderfully around him.

" Dean." He croaked and breathed harshly against Dean’s skin, inhaling the man’s scent. "Dean, I-I…" his orgasm hit him so forcefully he nearly lost his breath. "_ебать_." He said breathlessly, barely audible and barely consciously.

He fought the darkness that threatened to envelop him in the wake of such a powerful release and just barely managed to win. His whole body felt like jelly and his arms were definitely unsteady when he rose to look down at Dean.

Dean’s eyes were lidded and he was looking at Castiel with an unreadable expression that made Castiel very mindful of all the lines they — he — had crossed tonight. But the post-orgasmic buzz was still coursing through him and he was still buried inside Dean, Dean’s legs still loosely wrapped around his waist.

He wanted to stay inside Dean for a little while longer but thought that wouldn’t be proper so he slowly slid out and did not miss the little wince Dean gave at the feeling. Yes, he must be mighty sore now with how Castiel had pounded him. He hadn’t really meant to go about it this roughly, if anything he had hoped their first time if there ever was one would be slow and loving but Dean was just… Castiel just couldn’t really control himself very well. And he supposed he could blame the pills but didn’t really want to.

He climbed off the bed gingerly, only stopping momentarily to will his head to stop spinning, and then he was out the door to find a washcloth or something in the bathroom and to pull the used condom off. He found the towel he had used when he showered and wet it a little at one corner before returning to Dean.

Dean was lying on the bed, still on his back, and looking up at the ceiling, that unreadable expression still in place. Castiel thought he kind of new what that expression was about, had seen it on a number of occasions before, and just in case he was right he decided not to ask before he was done.

So he just climbed on the bed again and set about cleaning Dean best he could while still in bed. Dean looked at him the whole time and let him wipe down his chest and even bent his knees to give better access when Castiel indicated that he wanted to clean Dean’s ass.

He sighed when he was done, hoping he was wrong in assumptions but Dean had pursed his lips so he wasn’t very hopeful.

"What color?" he asked and thought he should have cleared his throat because it felt raw but didn't want to because that was usually a tell for nervousness and he wasn’t nervous, just resigned.

"Yellow." Dean whispered after nearly no time at all and Castiel nodded.

Well, at least yellow was better than red, he thought and smiled a little at Dean before rising to stand beside the bed. "Do you want me to sleep in here? You can answer with a color if you want."

Dean blushed and looked away. He gnawed at his lower lip as he thought and Castiel waited patiently.

"Yellow." Dean finally whispered and Castiel nodded again even though Dean couldn’t see. Still only yellow so Castiel allowed himself to feel hopeful.

He bent down and pecked Dean on the cheek. "I’ll be in the spare room. Good night, Dean."

Dean didn’t say anything and didn’t make a move as Castiel straightened and exited the room but Castiel didn’t let it get to him. He returned the towel and readied himself for bed, glad they had put the sheets on before they went to dinner.

As he climbed into the cool bed in the spare room he smiled to himself. Yes, he was a little scared that Dean would throw him out because of this and, even if he didn’t, he was scared that what friendship they had managed to build would be destroyed but above all of that he felt happy. Because even if everything else went down the crapper he could at least look back at this and remember the way Dean had chanted his name as he came. How Dean had begged for him. What Dean smelled like and looked like and felt like as he came with Castiel’s dick up his ass.

He smiled into the pillow and hugged himself. For a brief moment Dean had been Castiel’s and if it was all he got he would take it with a smile and be content.

Almost as if in afterthought he rolled over and bent down to reach for his jeans, pulling out the pain meds and popping one. His ass stung like a bitch right now and he thought maybe he should go check if he had opened one of the stitches but when he touched himself it didn’t feel wet and his fingers didn’t smell like blood so he didn’t bother.

He just lay there, smiling to himself and remembering the sounds Dean had made for him, certain that no one else had heard exactly those sounds.

Just as he was drifting off to sleep he heard a noise and he had been homeless too long before he came to Crowley’s not to be wary of new sounds in the night. He jerked his head up and turned half-way to the door only to see it open and a silhouette standing there.

"Dean?" he asked unnecessarily because who else would it be?

Dean shifted and Castiel saw him bowing his head but it was hard to see much else. When Dean didn’t say anything or moved anywhere Castiel took a chance and lifted his covers in invitation. His heart hammered in his chest when he saw Dean just staring at him but he defiantly held his arm aloft, daring Dean to either call it quits or accept the invitation.

Eventually Dean moved in and Castiel’s heart leapt into his throat. Dean still didn’t say anything but he crawled under the covers and snuggled right up. He had put on boxers but didn’t seem bothered by Castiel’s nudeness and Castiel certainly wasn’t complaining. He rolled them over so that he was the big spoon and felt to his delight how Dean sighed contentedly.

He kissed Dean on the back of his neck and Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand in his. Though it was a tight fit with two grown men in a single bed it was still the best Castiel had slept in a long while.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ебать = Fuck


	9. “I’ll be here.”

  
  


Dean felt like an ass. And happy. He felt like a happy ass. He shouldn’t have thrown Cas out of the bedroom last night but at least he had come to his senses and it hadn’t been too late. Cas had just accepted him back with open arms and Dean had never felt happier, not even when he thought he was going to be a father.

He lay on his side now, almost nose to nose with Cas on the one pillow, watching the man sleep. Cas had one arm around Dean, his hand resting comfortably in the small in Dean’s back and Dean’s right arm was starting to fall asleep under him but he didn’t mind.

From what he had experienced Cas wasn’t a very heavy sleeper or a very sound one but here he was now, looking more peaceful than Dean had ever seen him, maybe even more than what he had looked like sleeping the in beach house. Dean liked to think he had had a little something to do with that. His butt felt sore as hell and there was a dull ache in the muscles in his back, very unused to the stretch they had been exposed to but it was a good ache. It reminded him and made him happy.

He still felt bad about how he had treated Cas after, though, and he blushed at the memory. The freak-out he had had late last night had been nothing about the ache in his ass, though. Had been nothing about any lingering homophobic thoughts about taking it up the butt or feeling like a woman for begging for Cas’ touch. No, he felt rather proud of himself for having already worked past that.

The freak-out had been about what had been said. Cas had called him _my man_ and Dean had fucking come from just that. From the thought of being Cas’, of Cas wanting him for his own. The thought of them building something where Cas would be exclusively Dean’s and the thought that Cas maybe wanted that as well. The thought of them being in a relationship.

 _That_ was what had freaked Dean out. Not so much that Cas had said something that hinted at that but that Dean found himself wanting it. Because how could Cas want that with Dean? Dean was nothing special and Cas was… Cas was this wonderful, broken person that Dean should want nothing with but that he found himself wanting everything with.

He wanted to hold Cas and he wanted Cas to feel as safe as he felt when Cas held him. But Cas had another side that Dean knew nothing about and he was painfully aware of that. Aware that it might keep them apart. Cas had definitely said something in Russian again last night and that was scary as well. Was Cas from Russia? Had he just learnt the language? Was he a member of the Russian Mob? Or maybe an ex-member? Dean felt ridiculous for even thinking it because this was real life and not some shitty action movie but how could he know?

He could ask Cas, he supposed, but he didn’t want to tear up old wounds, if there were any. He wanted to build a life with Cas and maybe the past wouldn’t matter? What should matter was them here and now, he thought, and maybe that would be enough.

 _One problem at a time_ , he dutifully repeated to himself.

Step one was to make Cas stay here and not go back to his shitty job. Dean didn’t want Cas getting treated like that ever again and, honestly, he didn’t want anyone else touching Cas like that either. He wanted Cas to be his very own. Still, he couldn’t be a hundred percent certain that that was what Cas actually wanted and Dean didn’t like Cas thinking he owed Dean something.

Either way, Dean was determined to get Cas to stop whoring himself out. Then if Cas later decided that he didn’t want or didn’t need Dean they would deal with that then. Cas’ wellbeing was foremost on Dean’s mind as he lay looking at the man. So step one was to get Cas away and then maybe step two, dealing with the drug addiction, would be easier once Cas was settled here. Dean hoped so with all of his heart because he couldn’t bear to see Cas like he had been yesterday.

He barely resisted the urge to lean in and kiss Cas before he rolled out of bed. He felt sore not only because of the awesome — that’s right — sex but also because they had slept a whole night in his old bed and let’s face it, that shit was too small. He stretched and heard his back crack but decided not to care. Not today with the memory of Cas coming inside him still so fresh.

He walked out of the room and quietly shut the door behind him. He had to find his phone to get the time and was surprised to see it was still a good two hours before he had to go to work. Well, he felt rested all the same so he decided to just stay up.

After navigating through his apartment filled with boxes he found a clean pair of underwear and clothes and a towel for the shower. In the bathroom he found the towel Cas had used to wipe Dean clean with and he blushed at the sight. The act had been so tender that Dean’s heart clenched and he had to put the towel away before he embarrassed himself by crying or something just as stupid.

He took care of the shower quickly, indulging in a few choice memories from last night but not allowing himself a quick stroke. His dick definitely jumped to life, though, and he turned the water cold before stepping out, just to teach it not to be so perky. Dean thought he was dealing with his whole bisexual discovery rather well, actually, but he didn’t want to get too eager.

He got dressed quickly after the shower and then spent a lot longer than he wanted to admit trying to find a pen and a piece of paper. When he did he scrabbled down a note for Cas stating that he was just buying breakfast and would be home soon. As an afterthought he added his phone number, unsure if Cas had kept it from that time he had left it in hopes that Cas would call with good news about the weekend get-away. Cas had called him from an unknown number then and Dean had only been sparingly disappointed, had after all suspected as much or bookings wouldn’t be made through the business lines.

When he returned he found Cas sitting at the kitchen table in his old clothes and looking freshly showered. He was fiddling with a phone Dean hadn’t seen before but he looked up as soon as Dean entered the room.

"Hey." He said in that gravelly voice of his and Dean smiled at him, putting the grocery bag on the table.

"Good morning." He answered warmly and started unloading what little he had bought. Coffee, yoghurt and stuff to make sandwiches, mostly.

"I was just saving your number." Cas said with an answering smile. "If that’s okay?"

"Absolutely." Dean said and tried to contain the glee he felt. God, he was worse than a love sick high school girl. "Wasn’t even certain you had a phone."

Cas looked down at his hands and then put away the phone. "We’re not supposed to let clients know but…" he quieted and Dean liked to imagine he saw Cas fighting a blush. "But you’re not a client anymore, are you Dean?" he asked then and completely threw Dean.

All breath left him in a big whoosh and he had to sit down. "No." He answered after a moment and saw how the corners of Cas’ lips were quirking. "I guess I’m not."

"Thank you for letting me have this." Cas said then and Dean wanted to ask what he meant by _this_. Shelter? Food? Safety? Dean?

Dean blushed when he thought about last night and how domestic it seemed now. Maybe now wasn’t the time to be talking about that.

"You’re welcome, man." He said and got up to put the groceries away and to start breakfast. "I like having you around." He said in a low voice with his back turned because he couldn’t not say it but he was still a coward.

Cas didn’t say anything for a while and Dean busied himself with trying to find the coffee maker. He made a triumphant noise when he found it and quickly measured up a few cups before starting it and getting about trying to find cutlery and plates. Maybe a bowl for Cas’ yoghurt.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas eventually mumbled and Dean pretended to be busy making his sandwich. "And don’t worry, I won’t be overstaying."

Why was Cas saying that? Dean felt stupid for saying anything in the first place but now it was out there and he would be damned if he was going to take it back so easily.

He sat down beside Cas again, putting a bowl of yoghurt in front of the man and with a plate of sandwiches for himself. "Look, I’m not saying this again." He grumbled, trying to keep himself steady but the sight of Cas blinking confusedly at the yoghurt made him melt. "I don’t mind you being here, I like it. And I would like it for you not to have to return to that fucked up place." He gripped his sandwich probably a little too hard, squishing it. "You could just live here, you know."

Cas looked up and stared with wide, wondering eyes at Dean and fuck, they were so blue Dean thought there had to be something supernatural about the man. Cas opened his mouth but closed it again before he said anything. Dean took a bite of his sandwich and was glad for the distraction. He didn’t like feeling so exposed but somehow it was worth it to see Cas smile his little smile and pick up the spoon.

"Okay Dean." He said in a low voice and started eating gingerly, as if he had never had yoghurt before or as if he was savoring it.

"We should probably get you some clothes, though." Dean mumbled around his food, eying Cas carefully.

Cas nodded. "I’m calling Balthazar today."

"Balthazar?" Dean parroted and Cas nodded again.

"He’s my friend. He’s also… Affiliated with Crowley, so he lives in the complex. He’s got a spare key to my room so I was kind of hoping he cleared it out before Crowley got in there."

Dean remembered the lanky British guy that had seemed so friendly with Cas and tried not to be jealous about the fact that it probably was that dude who had a key to Cas’ home. "Did you tell him to before you left? And why did you leave in first place, couldn’t you have stayed with him if he’s your friend?"

Cas smiled ruefully. "Crowley kind of implied what would happen to me if I stayed with any of the other whores, I didn’t want to take the chance." He cleaned out the bottom of the bowl with his spoon and Dean realized that Cas had eaten the yoghurt in record time. He was probably starved but he was too good at hiding it for Dean to notice. He made a mental note of asking Cas about food more often. "As for telling Balthazar what was going on, I guess I kind of…" he shrugged. "I got scared, made stupid decisions."

Dean swallowed his sandwich around a lump in his throat and decided that maybe he shouldn’t ask about that. Wasn’t even sure he wanted to know what Cas meant, specifically.

"You gonna go over there to get your stuff?" he asked instead and saw how Cas nodded. "I can drive you after work, if you want to."

But Cas shook his head. "I can walk, it’s not much."

Dean nodded but wasn’t satisfied. He didn’t want Cas doing everything himself and he especially didn’t want Cas alone at that place anymore. He guessed that if Cas deemed this Balthazar a friend then maybe he could be trusted but Dean had only spoken very briefly to the man — if it was even the same — and that conversation had given him jack squat in the trust department.

Nevertheless he swallowed down the last of his sandwich and got up to get ready for work, pouring coffee in a to-go cup.

"I’ll be home at four." He said and Cas nodded.

"I’ll be here." He smiled and Dean stopped momentarily in the door to the kitchen, a little awed at how good it felt to have Cas in his home, how warm the thought of him waiting there made Dean.

Awed and anxious.

  
  


*****

  
  


Oh boy had Balthazar been mad. Castiel had gone out to sit on the little balcony that Dean’s apartment had and marveled at that fact for a moment before calling his friend.

Balthazar had started bawling as soon as Castiel said hello and Castiel had at first been very confused but soon enough got his answer angrily hissed at him. So maybe he had skipped out of the complex that Tuesday morning, scared and disoriented and maybe he should have called his best friend when he first got the idea to off himself instead of going to Dean but he hadn’t. Had in fact kind of forgotten all about of his other life, problems and friends for a while yesterday while he basked in Dean’s reflected glory. And that was dangerous, he realized, and felt very guilty when Balthazar’s apparent spout of relief turned sour.

Because why the hell hadn’t he called? What the fuck was wrong with him? Did he know Hanna had cried herself to sleep all this time, thinking he was dead in a ditch somewhere?

Yes, guilty didn’t even begin to explain how Castiel felt at that moment. He spent a long time relaying what had happened and where he was now. Balthazar calmed down gradually and by the end of their conversation he was sounding rather pleased for Castiel’s sake.

"This is great, Cassie." He said in a smug tone and Castiel watched his own reflection in the window. He looked thin but okay. "This is like a fairy tale come true."

Castiel snorted. "Are _you_ high? Not even my pills make me forget what this is."

" And what is that?"

"Not what you think, that’s what." Castiel said firmly and sighed when Balthazar snorted right back at him.

"So this man got to know you through your job, got wind of your drug addiction, saw you at your worst and still, _still_ , invited you into his home when he thought you had nowhere else to go. And now he’s at work? He left you alone with all his stuff?" Balthazar laughed condescendingly. "Yeah, he’s totally not head over heels for you."

Castiel winced. "Don’t say that, Dean deserves better."

"Castiel." Balthazar said and he sounded angry again. "_Stop_ underestimating yourself and maybe, I dunno, let the man feel how he likes about you."

Castiel smiled to himself and picked at the seam on his jeans. "We had sex last night." He mumbled, feeling a happy blush spread at Balthazar’s squeak.

"For real?"

"Yeah." He answered and felt all warm inside at the memory.

"But I thought you were damaged goods?"

Castiel cleared his throat. "Yeah but he let me."

"No way!" Balthazar laughed happily and Castiel couldn’t help but smile too. "The self-proclaimed straight man let you fuck him up the ass? Yeah, he’s not in love with you _at all_ , Cassie."

"Shut up." Castiel mumbled but he was still smiling stupidly. "Just tell me you’ve got my stuff, I’m coming over soon to get it."

"I got it, love. No way were we going to let Crowley have anything of yours."

"Is Alastair in?"

There was a silence in which Castiel could almost hear what his friend was thinking and he cringed a little. He shouldn’t want it, shouldn’t need it and now, with Dean being the way he was he should definitely stop. And he would. Soon. Just… just not today. He needed to be functional for just a few more days, at least until the stitches had dissolved completely. Didn’t want Dean to have to deal with another withdrawal so soon.

"‘Til three." Balthazar eventually answered and Castiel nodded to himself.

"I’ll be over soon." He said again and Balthazar hummed in agreement.

"I’m calling some of the others over, Cassie. They need to know you’re not dead. I’m happy that you can live with Dean for now but you need to fucking check in once in a while. We love you, Cassie, you scared us."

"I know, I’m sorry." Castiel got to his feet. "I love you too, Balth."

"Good, then you won’t be mad that I’m gonna tell everyone before you get here that you’re still up and kicking. Prepare for a barrage of texts and calls."

Castiel laughed warmly and went inside the apartment again. "It’s fine."

"It better well be." Balthazar grumbled and hung up.

Castiel stared at the phone for a moment, fondly shaking his head. He had screwed up so much and yet his friends were still there for him, still worried even though he didn’t deserve it, and it made him ridiculously happy.

He walked through the apartment to the spare room, dodging unpacked boxes. Already he felt familiar with this place but he allowed the feeling only fleetingly. Dean might have been adamant and Balthazar might have had a point but Castiel had faced too many disappointments to let himself be persuaded so easily. He would take it one step at a time and step one was going over to the complex to collect his things and, if Balthazar was to be believed, to be assaulted by his friends.

He gathered the keys to the apartment that Dean had left him and his bottles of pills, popping one of each for good measure, and was headed to the front door when the doorbell actually rang. He stopped in his tracks and stared warily at it. Dean was at work and there was no way no one knew he was here, was there? No, he hadn’t told Balthazar the address and besides, that call ended not five minutes ago and Crowley always said that he wouldn’t come after them even if they quit. And in that regard Castiel reminded himself that he hadn’t quit but that he was only on suspension so surely there would be no trouble opening the door? Was probably only the neighbor, maybe wishing them welcome to the building or maybe to complain about the loud noises from last night.

He opened the door slowly and was met by a scowling Sam Winchester.

"Sam?" he asked and opened the door wider when he realized who it was and that the man was alone. He didn’t remember meeting Sam on that night that Dean punched Walker and he felt very self-conscious about how he might have acted but Sam had been nothing but civil to him so he had found himself liking the man. Nonetheless, he was still unsure why Sam would be here now. "Dean’s at work."

Sam nodded. "I know, I came to talk to you."

Okay, that was certainly not what Castiel had expected. "Of course." He said because he was getting nervous and that always made him revert back to his professional persona. That persona had after all kept him alive so far and Sam was not looking happy. Plus he was even bigger than Dean, despite being the little brother. "Come in." Sam nodded and entered, closing the door behind himself. "Do you want some coffee? I mean, Dean bought it but you’re his brother so I think it’d be fine."

Sam shook his head but followed Castiel into the kitchen anyway. "No thanks." He stopped by one of the chairs to lean on it and Castiel crossed his arms casually and leaned his hip against the counter. "I like you Castiel." He said after a moment and Castiel had to school his face in a neutral expression because Sam was thoroughly confusing him. "I really do, you seem very nice but I…" he sighed and looked momentarily up at the ceiling. "But I can’t help but feel there is more to this whole thing than what Dean is telling me." He looked down again and when he met Castiel’s eyes he looked fiercely determined. "I think Dean is hiding something and I don’t like it."

Castiel shifted in place and nodded after a moment. "I see, you’re concerned for your brother." He could see why and from what he had witnessed the Winchester family was exceptionally tight knitted. "You know nothing of me but everything of your brother and we don’t really add up, do we?"

Sam blinked at him as if he hadn’t expected Castiel to so willingly accept his concerns. Castiel smiled pleasantly at him.

"No." Sam conceded after a moment. "You don’t. But that’s fine, and I’m not saying Dean can’t have friends of his own. It’s just the way he acts around you; it made me think there is something else he’s not telling me."

"I assure you—"

"And then I saw you yesterday." Sam interrupted and looked determined in that way of his again. Castiel closed his mouth and met the gaze evenly. "He kissed you outside the house yesterday."

Oh. Castiel swallowed slowly. So that was what this was about. Okay, that he could work with.

"I was feeling bad; he was just trying to reassure me I would be okay."

"Yeah." Sam said and really drew out the word so okay, wrong thing to say apparently. "Except Dean never does that, not in that way."

"Ah." Castiel was stumped and it wasn’t a feeling he appreciated. "I got nothing." He admitted even though every fiber of his body was screaming at him not to. "Dean is a very considerate man."

Sam narrowed his eyes. "He is." He agreed but in that slow way again that was making Castiel begin to think there was nothing he could say that wouldn’t make this worse. "He’s considerate and I don’t want that taken advantage of."

Castiel relaxed, probably visibly, but he couldn’t help it. He almost wanted to thank Sam for finally being clear on what he was aiming at but he kept shut about that, had to keep some semblance of composure.

"You don’t have to worry about that, I am most definitely not trying to hustle your brother for anything."

Sam was still kind of squinting at him. "But how can I be sure? I don’t want you to think I believe Dean is an idiot but he _was_ in a very destructive relationship for a very long time and I’m not interested in seeing history repeat itself."

" You’ve got nothing to worry about." Castiel said firmly.

"You keep saying that and yet I worry because Dean is not telling me everything." Sam said in a voice loud enough that it shut Castiel up. He was beginning to feel a little distressed. What was it that Sam really wanted to hear? What could Castiel say to satisfy the man? "I know nothing of you save from what I have heard from Dean. I met you for the first time this Saturday, drugged out of your mind and freshly _raped_ and yet here you are, only a few days later, looking as if that never happened and I can’t help but wonder if you’re really okay."

" I am." Castiel assured him as confidently as he could but he was seriously slipping right now. Of course someone _normal_ would still be devastated. " I wasn’t seriously damaged and I was drugged with roofies, they slip out of your system quickly."

"He said as if it wasn’t the first time." Sam commented dryly and Castiel realized his mistake too late. Shit, Sam was smart and Castiel recalled a dim memory of him coming to this conclusion before. "Look, if Dean wants to be friends or whatever with you that’s fine. He’s a grown man and it would be stupid of me to interfere except I have to just say it. Say I’m worried because Dean has a history of trying to help a little too much and people take advantage of that."

"I’m not." Castiel stated firmly, actually feeling angry at the thought of Dean getting used so much that his little brother worried enough to come here and have this kind of conversation.

"How can I be sure?" Sam gripped the chair harder as he leaned closer. "Dean recently told me he thinks he might be into men now and although I think that’s fine if it’s what he wants I still think it’s a strange coincidence that he starts feeling like this after he’s just met you, a man he immediately admitted to being gay."

"Bisexual." Castiel mumbled but felt stupid for it; labels weren’t the real issue here. "Look, I’m not giving Dean sex in exchange for staying here and I’m not trying to hustle your brother for money or anything else. Dean is letting me stay here out of his own free will and I would rather not be an inconvenience to him but he insists." He finished on a high note, starting to get a little upset himself. He wished Dean was here to explain it to his brother because Castiel sure didn’t know why Dean was letting him stay here. Unless Balthazar was right but Castiel refused to make assumptions.

"I just don’t want Dean to get hurt."

"I don’t want that either."

"And how do I know you’re not lying?"

"Because I love him—" Castiel had started off loudly as both of their voices had risen in volume but he ended that sentence on a low key. "I love him." He repeated with more conviction but almost in a mumble, too scared of this revelation to say it much louder.

Sam stared at him with wide eyes. "You don’t mean like a brother or a friend, do you?" he asked eventually and Castiel sighed loudly, more irritated with himself than nothing else. What the hell was it with these Winchesters that made him act so unprofessionally?

"No." He admitted and looked away. "I’m in love with your brother." It felt both like ice in his veins and butterflies in his stomach to finally admit it out loud. "And though I don’t want him to see me as a bird with broken wings that he has to nurse back to health I’m afraid that might be it. In any case I find myself unable to keep away from him and since he invited me to stay here I just…" he shrugged and met Sam’s astonished eyes. "I just couldn’t say no, I’m too selfish."

"Well," Sam said after a moment in silence. "I’ll be damned."

Castiel rolled his eyes, completely abandoning his persona. "Don’t worry, I know I’m not good enough for him."

Sam actually scoffed at that. "I wasn’t going to say that. Hey, don’t look like that." He added when Castiel couldn’t keep away his disbelieving expression. "I may have only met you three times, today included, and one of those times you were high and speaking Russian, but I still like you miles better than I liked Lisa and he was with her for a decade." He snorted as if the mere memory offended him. "I came here convinced he was hiding something, or maybe that you were making him hide something but I never believed it would be this."

"And what is this?" Castiel asked carefully, wary of what conclusion Sam might have drawn from his own clumsy confession. The fact that Sam still was right on track about Dean hiding something because of Castiel made him uneasy but he hoped that whatever Sam had assumed would deter him from delving further into the matter.

"That you two are—wait." Sam straightened with a furrowed brow. "You’re _not_ a couple?"

It was Castiel’s turn to snort. _I wish_ , he thought and shook his head. "No. As you said Dean is just discovering this whole other side of him and I don’t want to take advantage of that." _More than I already have…_ Castiel felt a little shitty about that but the memory of Dean clenching around him was too sweet to make him bitter. Balthazar may think he had everything figured out but Castiel still wasn’t so sure.

" Huh." Sam shifted and then suddenly smiled. It made his face light up and Castiel couldn’t help returning it hesitantly. "Well, I’m sure you’ll get there."

While Castiel really appreciated the way Sam just accepted these new choices his brother had made he still had a hard time doing so. After all, Castiel was well aware of himself and of Dean and Sam had admitted it himself; they didn’t add up.

So Castiel just huffed and looked down at his feet, dirty socks on Dean’s mostly clean floor and all. "Yeah." He mumbled.

"Hey." Sam said and Castiel jerked his head up to see the man standing closer and actually looking concerned. "Don’t sell yourself short. Dean’s gonna love anyone with a pretty face who brings him pie and the way I see it you’re half-way there." He grinned cheekily and Castiel recognized it as the way the brothers had grinned and teased each other and he couldn’t help feeling more accepted because of it. The fact that Sam had come here to basically tear him a new one for possibly hustling Dean and for him to then change his opinion so completely overwhelmed Castiel.

"Pie?" he asked with a grin of his own. "I do recall Dean mentioning that was his favorite dessert."

Sam snorted playfully. "Please, it’s his favorite anything."

"Any specific pie?" Castiel asked, suddenly feeling giddy.

"Pecan I think, but anything’s fine. Bring him an apple pie and he’ll freaking purr, it’s disgusting." Sam shuddered but Castiel just smiled fondly.

"I could make an apple pie." He said, more to himself as he lost himself in memories of an old lady making him pie when he was little and he and dad had just moved to the States.

"Yeah?" Sam asked happily and Castiel jerked a little when he realized he had spoken out loud.

"Maybe." He admitted. "But I know where to get a recipe." He said then, thinking of Balthazar’s cookbook. The one he had bought a couple of Thanksgivings back and from which he had learned to cook amazing dishes even in his limited nook of a kitchen.

"You could just Google it." Sam suggested and Castiel tilted his head to the side. He knew Google was on the internet, of course, but he wasn’t very well-versed on how to use it. Sam was still smiling at him though, and Castiel didn’t want to ruin that when the man was obviously trying to make him feel better, possibly even to help him win Dean. Why, Castiel could only fathom but he liked it.

"I should." He just said with a smile. Sam looked down then, suddenly seeming a little uncomfortable and Castiel wanted to put a hand on his shoulder but refrained. "What is it?"

"I imagine Dean hasn’t exactly filled his fridge." Sam said with a sigh. "He sucks at stuff like that, do you even have enough to make a pie?"

Castiel blinked. That was not what he had expected at all. He had been prepared for Sam to take back every kind word. For him to laugh at Castiel’s naivety because what the hell, man? _You’ll never deserve Dean._ But this… Castiel had to look away to keep his face clean of emotions. He busied himself with opening the fridge and stared at the sparse groceries.

" I’m not that good at making pie but I imagine I’d at least need the apples." He said as jokingly as he could and was very aware when Sam joined him, standing just behind him to peek at the contents of the fridge.

His breath ghosted over Castiel’s head when he sighed. "Typical Dean." He muttered and took a step back to let Castiel close the door. He was holding a wallet when Castiel turned to him. "I know you’re strapped for cash right now and it _is_ for my brother, who may not be as deserving of it as previously discussed, but anyway, here." He held out a fifty for Castiel but Castiel just looked at it. " Take it, buy groceries that you can actually use, yeesh."

"It’s okay." Castiel said and thought of Dean’s money in his sock that Balthazar hopefully had taken. "I have money."

"Then don’t spend it on Dean." Sam sighed. "Look, it’s tough out there without a job, I know."

Castiel pursed his lips but recognized the same stubbornness in Sam that he had witnessed in Dean and knew he was hopeless to resist. "I will take it to buy ingredients for pie."

Sam shrugged when Castiel took the bill and then pocketed his wallet. "Buy as much as you need, you can’t live on yoghurt and bread, this isn’t prison."

Castiel smiled warmly and gingerly folded the fifty. "Thank you Sam."

Sam put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Don’t mention it, Cas."

And it was the use of his nickname, given to him by Dean, that ultimately made Castiel feel accepted. He smiled weakly and felt warm inside when Sam returned it.

  
  


*****

  
  


When Dean came home little after four it was to an apartment that smelled so deliciously of apple pie that he stopped dead in the hall, just sniffing the air and not believing it to be true.

He had spent basically all day at work agonizing over the fact that he wasn’t at home with Cas. And that he hadn’t been more determined to drive Cas over to that complex. And that he _hadn’t gotten Cas’ phone number_. Honestly, what kind of an idiot was he? He had given Cas his, sure, but he hadn’t asked for Cas’ in return and now he had had to spend all day thinking about the man but unable to contact him. It had not been great. The guys at work had been pretty fed up with his distractedness by the end of the shift. Even Bobby had been eying him and had at one point asked how Cas was doing. Dean had had to remind himself that Bobby had been at dinner last evening and had probably seen how worried Dean had been so that had to be it, right? No underlying meaning to his casual question. Of course Garth and Rufus had been quick to ask who this _Cas_ was and was she cute? Yeah, Dean had rebuffed them pretty harshly, probably worse than they deserved. He was just glad it was John’s day off.

So, yeah, he had been worried and now he came home to an apartment smelling like this? Smelling like… Well, like _home_. His legs felt shaky.

" Cas?" he called cautiously.

"In the kitchen." Came the instant reply and Dean’s heart skipped a beat.

He wasted no time, almost running into a tower of boxes in his eagerness, and what he saw in the kitchen did nothing to calm his beating heart. Cas was standing by the table, slicing a seemingly freshly baked apple pie. He had on different clothes than before — tee and sweatpants that definitely shouldn’t affect Dean’s libido — and he looked up when Dean entered, smiling warmly. Dean hadn’t known he wanted this as much as he did until now. Cas comfortable in Dean’s kitchen, preparing food, waiting for Dean. How 1950’s domestic and everything Dean suddenly wanted.

"I misjudged the time a little so I hope it’s not too cool." Cas said and pulled up a slice to put in on a plate.

Dean looked around and saw that a few boxes were unpacked and he recognized the cutlery and plates that mom had forced on him.

"I’m sure it’s perfect." He said and heard that his voice sounded a little choked. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

Cas looked up and saw him eyeing the boxes. "I’m sorry if it was presumptuous of me, Dean." He said apologetically and Dean looked at him in surprise. "But I wanted to make you a pie and I had to unpack to find everything I needed for it. I put it in the cupboards but you can rearrange it if you want."

"No, it’s fine." Dean said, still in that goddamn tight voice and he had to look away from Cas’ open expression. "You know what? You should unpack more if you’d like."

"Really?" Cas asked and sounded so surprised that Dean _had to_ look back and fuck, Cas was standing with a spoon in one hand, eyes all round and gorgeous.

" Yeah, I mean," he cleared his throat awkwardly. "If you’re gonna stay here it’s gonna get irritating with the boxes and I work all day so… I mean, only if you want to."

Cas smiled so warmly that Dean’s knees felt weak. "Come eat your pie, Dean." He said in a tone that made Dean close his eyes briefly before seating himself before the plate. "Wait, we have ice cream too." Cas said when Dean accepted the spoon and he turned quickly to get it. "Vanilla, right?" he turned back with a new smile, flourishing a little box of vanilla ice cream and Dean swallowed before smiling back.

"Perfect."

Cas grinned so widely he got those wonderful crow’s feet by his eyes and turned around to get a bigger spoon for the ice cream. The ease with which he moved in the kitchen made Dean’s heart clench and he focused on the pie instead. It smelled heavenly and looked to be perfectly juicy.

Cas put the box down on the table and scooped out a big spoonful of ice cream. "Say when." He said and proceeded with piling it high beside the pie on Dean’s plate.

Dean was so overwhelmed with the fact that Cas was spoiling him like this that he at first couldn’t find his voice. Besides Mary he had rarely gotten this treatment and even though he had completely understood that Lisa hadn’t wanted to get stuck in stereotypical roles he couldn’t deny that a small part of him had always been a little disappointed when he got home to microwavable left-overs instead of a hot dinner.

"When." He rasped when he realized that it was almost too much ice cream but Cas hadn’t hesitated in the least, not judging Dean about the amount of ice cream he might want.

Cas just smiled at him, licked some spare drops off his thumb and turned around to put away the spoon and box. Dean swallowed again, trying to focus on the treat and not the way Cas’ tongue had swiped across his digit.

He lifted his own spoon, aiming for a piece of pie that wasn’t covered in ice cream and actually outright moaned at the taste once he got a bite in his mouth. It wasn’t the best pie he had ever taste except it really was because Cas had made this for him and only him.

"Good?" Cas asked and smiled down at him.

"Yeah." He said around the mouthful, grinning up at Cas and eagerly grabbing another bite, this one ladled with ice cream as well. "I love apple pie."

Cas chuckled. "I’m glad, it was my first time making it."

"Really?" yeah, Dean was totally talking with his mouth full now but God, this pie was _good_.

Cas hummed in agreement. "But Sam said you loved any kind of pie so I hoped it would be fine."

"Sam?" Dean asked and held up his plate for a second round. Cas smiled that crow’s feet smile again.

"Yes." He answered as he plated yet another fill, fetching the ice cream and everything. "He came by earlier today."

"What for?" Dean frowned but it melted away when he took yet another bite of the pie. Cas’ pie. That he had made for Dean. Forgive Dean if he was ridiculously happy right now.

Cas pressed his lips together momentarily. "He just wanted to make sure I was feeling well."

"Oh." Dean swallowed his mouthful. "Are you? I mean, did you go over to your friend’s and get your stuff and everything?"

Cas smiled again, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder. The gesture was so painfully loving that Dean was barely able to suppress a shudder. "I did. Actually, the recipe for the pie came out of Balthazar’s cookbook. He loves that book but he gave it to me so I could make this for you."

"That was nice of him." Dean said between bites and couldn’t help but smile at Cas’ expression. One caught between fond and annoyed.

"Well, he kept calling it his ‘housewarming gift’ and said that of course I had to make pie for my ‘knight’." He sighed. "At least the others had a good laugh at my expense."

Dean grinned widely. So Cas was an air quote kind of guy, he would never have expected that. It was cute and conveniently made Dean overlook the _knight_ part. Didn’t really want to know what that was about.

" Is that so?" he just asked amusedly and Cas smiled down at him from where he stood at Dean’s right shoulder.

"Yes, and a good thing too. Otherwise I wouldn’t have only burnt it; I would’ve probably forgotten half the ingredients when I was shopping." He said it with a little laugh but the words made Dean’s throat seize up.

"Cas." He asked and looked down the plate with half-eaten pie. "How did you pay for this?"

Dean was suddenly shaking minutely in his seat. He had been so happy to come home to an apartment that smelled of pie that he hadn’t even stopped to think about the facts. Namely that he had left Cas, someone injured and sick, alone with basically no food and no money. Had Cas spent his own money on Dean? Had he had to ask his friends? Had… had he whored himself for grocery money? The thoughts made Dean sick to his stomach.

"I…" Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder again. "Sam gave me a fifty."

"Oh God." Dean groaned and leaned his head in his hands. His _little brother_ had taken better care of Cas than he had. Fuck, Dean was so selfish, always wanting Cas around but never thinking of the practical things.

" Dean?" Cas asked, sounding distressed and fuck, Dean had done that. "It’s okay, he gave it to me to buy groceries but I didn’t spend it all, look." He put some crumbled bills and a few coins on the table and Dean groaned again when he glanced at them.

Seeing that Cas hadn’t even spent it all, hadn’t even bought anything for himself, was somehow even worse.

"Fuck, Cas, I suck so bad." He hid his face in his hands. "Have you even eaten today?"

"Well, I…" Cas sounded confused, clearly not following why he should hate Dean. "Balthazar gave me some split pea soup and I had some yoghurt while I waited for the pie to finish. I hope that was okay?"

And there it was again. Cas asking if he was _allowed_. Dean made a pitiful sound and turned to Cas, pulling the man closer to hide against Cas’ stomach. Cas put his hands on Dean’s head and Dean pulled even more so that Cas had to climb into Dean’s lap. He made a surprised noise but willingly straddled Dean.

" I’m sorry, Cas." Dean mumbled against Cas’ chest, smelling the clean scent of laundry detergent and Cas’ own scent. Like rain on a sunny day.

"Dean?" Cas asked and hugged Dean to him. "I don’t understand what this is about. Why are you upset?"

"Because…" it was too fucking hard to say it out loud. He shook his head and hugged Cas closer when the man started gently carding Dean’s hair. It was too hard to admit that he felt inadequate, that he wanted to be that knight Cas’ friends had talked about but that he didn’t think he could manage it. Too hard to admit that he was scared Cas would leave him if he wasn’t what he needed. "Because I need you to not want for anything and I fucked it up right from the get-go." He managed in a mumble.

Cas made a noise half-way between angry and surprised and bent down to kiss Dean on the head. "Don’t say that, Dean Winchester." He mumbled against Dean’s hair. "You’re a wonderful man."

"You had to get money from Sam because I’m stupid."

"Don’t say that about yourself, you’re making me mad." Cas said gently but firmly. "Sam didn’t have to give me money, I explained it to him but he gave it to me anyway. But I have my own savings and Balthazar had kept it safe for me. I’m not a baby, Dean, I can take care of myself."

But God, that scared Dean even more. Of course he wanted Cas to be independent and awesome but he also wanted Cas to need him as much as he apparently needed Cas.

"I don’t want you to have to." He whispered, face red but still mercifully hidden against Cas. The man’s scent was slowly calming Dean down and he started feeling embarrassed about how he acted. But being around Cas drew a whole other side out of Dean and he was powerless to stop it.

Cas shushed him gently and kissed him on the head again. "I will still be here for you." Cas mumbled soothingly and even though Dean logically thought Cas should be the one that needed comfort he was starting to realize he was kind of an emotional wreck himself. He wasn’t equipped to take care of Cas but fuck if he wouldn’t try.

"I need you, Cas." He whispered hoarsely and felt Cas nod.

"I need you too, Dean. More than I thought. Meet me halfway?"

Dean’s heart felt too big for his chest and he could do nothing but nod mutely. Cas hummed and kissed him again. It only took a little moment for Dean to recognize that Cas was humming _Hey Jude_.

He pulled out and was rewarded with that secret smile that made him melt. "You know that song?"

Cas busied himself with righting Dean’s shirt. "I remembered you telling me your mom used to sing it to you so I memorized it." He peeked sheepishly at Dean and the look was just so goddamn adorable that Dean had to fight fucking tears.

"I-I…"

Cas smiled again, clearly satisfied with Dean’s reaction. "Do you want to go lay down?"

He did. So much. But he shook his head, thinking he would have to man up at some point. "I want to finish my pie."

Cas looked very pleased and shifted to get off Dean’s lap. It made Dean clench him closer and Cas relented, shifting back as if he was made to sit there, slotted against Dean. Instead he bent over to scoop up some pie and a melted piece of ice cream. He brought it gingerly to Dean’s mouth and Dean opened willingly, stomach all squirmy at the thought of being fed like this. Maybe he should think it emasculating, as if Cas was treating him like a kid with a runny nose. But with Cas grinning like that, wiping ice cream off Dean’s chin with his thumb, and sitting like he did, their crotches pressed together… well, Dean saw nothing wrong with this picture.

"We could watch some TV if you can hook it up." Cas suggested in a low voice when the pie was all gone. "I cleared the area in front of the couch, we could go lie down a little."

Dean swallowed. "I’d like that." He answered in a decidedly husky voice and felt to his delight how Cas shuddered in his arms. "I’d like that very much."

Dean hooked up the TV without trouble but they didn’t watch any. They turned it on but soon found other activities that occupied their attention and afterwards they went out grocery shopping, enough to fill both the fridge and the pantry, plus some other necessities. And Dean had never been happier, pushing the cart through the grocery store, than he was with Cas by his side. Watching Cas pick out food and supplies with a meticulousness that Dean never could have mustered made Dean so calm that he wasn’t even embarrassed when Cas added a new package of lube and condoms to their cart. The girl at the checkout eyed him when she scanned those two particular articles but Dean just smiled dreamily and ushered Cas out to the Impala.

Cas slept with Dean in his king size bed that night. Still close but not cramped like the night before. Here they had enough space to roll over and when Dean reached out for him in his sleep, Cas just rolled right back.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Teeth-rotting fluff!  
> But, well, they have a lot to figure out so I think they deserve at least a chapter or two of smooch =D


	10. You take my breath away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there's plot here if you read carefully but mostly it's... um... porn =D  
> Enjoy!

  
  


Castiel had been staying in Dean’s apartment for a week now and it had been the best week of his life. He couldn’t even remember a time he had been as happy as he was now. Dean was kind and considerate and seemed so goddamn grateful that Castiel stayed there that he smiled every time he saw Castiel. And it was the most beautiful smile Castiel had ever seen.

Sam and Jess had been over that Saturday, just to hang out with them for a while and Castiel had been glad to entertain a little. He had learned a lot from Balthazar’s cookbook and preened when Jess complimented him on his cooking. They also seemed very impressed with how the apartment was looking and Castiel couldn’t help but blush when Dean gave him all the credit.

Castiel had spent the time on the Friday when Dean was at work carefully putting the apartment together. Unpacking boxes, sorting DVDs, dusting off knickknacks. He waited for a while with arranging Dean’s closet, unsure if that was pushing it too far but Dean had told him it was fine. And while Castiel had never ironed clothes before and didn’t fancy starting his first attempt with Dean’s clothes he still took care to straighten every fold and crease of the man’s shirts and pants.

Yes, even though he wasn’t completely finished the apartment had still looked quite welcoming on Saturday and Sam and Jess had been impressed. They hadn’t stayed very long though, probably sensing Dean’s wish for them to leave as much as Castiel had. Castiel had thought it odd but when he had turned to the other man to ask him Dean had just pressed him up against a wall and declared that this was their first evening together without work or anything and he could think of a few choice things to do rather than spend it with his brother and sister-in-law. Castiel had shuddered in the man’s embrace and thanked his lucky star.

They had had sex for the second time that evening and while Castiel would have categorized it as _making love_ since he knew better of his own feelings now, he hadn’t said anything to Dean. Had just taken it much slower than last time and savored the feeling of Dean clenching around him as the man came from Castiel’s touches.

That Sunday they had gone to a family dinner at the Winchester household and Dean had nearly gotten mad when Castiel had protested that he wasn’t really a part of the family. He had pressed his lips together and taken Castiel’s hand in his before he proceeded to haul Castiel down the stairs and out to his beloved car. Castiel’s heart had felt so big it hurt in his chest and he logically knew that they would have to talk about this but hadn’t wanted to spoil the day. Instead he had just floated around on cloud nine and had eaten his first solid dinner in a week, Mary smiling happily at his praise.

Then it was suddenly the next week and Dean had to get back to work. Castiel stayed home and did the last of the unpacking, actually arranging the spare room to his liking even though he slept every night in Dean’s bed. He talked to Balthazar, Gabriel and Anna a lot, mainly to check in on them but also to assure them that he was fine. Even Michael and Lucifer called and that made him happier than he would have thought. Meg called once from the business line and he was momentarily nervous that they maybe had found way to trace his phone to Dean’s house but she was just calling to check in on him. Told him Ruby owed her a hundred bucks now that he had turned out okay and not dead in a ditch. He had just wished her a good day and hung up.

Every evening he had dinner ready when Dean got home and every time Dean seemed just as surprised and ridiculously happy. And Castiel couldn’t help but want that for the man. He liked spoiling Dean, mainly because Dean didn’t expect him to, but also because it made himself feel good. Feel useful, if nothing else. And the sight of Dean stuffing his cheeks while grinning like a fool was the most beautiful sight Castiel had ever seen. So yes, maybe he was a little more invested than he had previously thought. "Smitten" didn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling and he knew that it was dangerous because the second week was going too fast and he would soon have to get out of here.

Problem was, he wasn’t so sure he ever wanted to leave and to be completely honest he didn’t think Dean wanted him gone either. Still, he had already made another run to Alastair, with Dean’s money, and he was still popping both speed and pain killers, even though the dull ache had gone away and the stitches already had dissolved. He knew, in the bottom of his heart, that this was a hard fought battle and he wasn’t very willing to impose it on Dean. He had no way of knowing what Dean thought of their little domesticated situation but he thought the man liked it and he would be loath to spoil it with his drug problems. Even so, he couldn’t help but smile as he listened to Dean talk about his work and he couldn’t help how he slept better than he had in years, just because he was wrapped around Dean while the man’s comforting scent was wrapped around him.

Castiel woke Dean on the Tuesday with a lazy hand-job, just because he felt Dean’s morning wood brush against his hand and couldn’t resist. Just because he could and just because he wanted to. Dean mewled Castiel’s name in his sleep as he bucked into the touch and that made Castiel’s heart throb even more than his cock. Dean woke moments later with a gasp and a sharply arched back as he came all over his boxers and Castiel’s hand and Castiel had never felt smugger than when Dean rolled over to blink owlishly at him before grinning like an adorable idiot.

Dean came home that evening with a small bouquet of daisies. He looked all kinds of cute and embarrassed as he roughly handed Castiel the flowers, gruffly declaring that he didn’t do "crap like that and they’re just form the gas station so, whatever". Castiel didn’t care where the hell Dean had gotten the flowers, it was still the best gift he had ever received and he had once gotten a Ferrari from a _very_ satisfied and ridiculously rich client. Crowley had promptly confiscated the car and sold it off because " honestly, Cassie, you don’t even have a license and where the hell would you drive off to anyway?" but Castiel hadn’t much cared about that, even though he had wanted to point out that he could drive, with or without a license. He had just wished that he could have contacted the client again and thanked her formally. Well, he sure took his time _formally thanking_ Dean for the flowers, at least.

It was now Thursday and one week since Castiel had settled in. It was still fresh and a little exiting and he was trying to push the thought of Crowley to the back of his mind. Crowley had said two weeks and that had been on Tuesday the week before so Castiel comforted himself with the fact that he still had all weekend with Dean before they would have to talk about this and make some kind of decision.

He was standing by the sink and washing the dishes after breakfast when the doorbell rang. He paused with his hands still in the water, listening over his shoulder if he had indeed heard correctly and yes, there it was again. He frowned because since Sam’s first visit there had been no one to the apartment while Castiel was alone. Still, whomever it was had gone through the trouble of ringing twice so Castiel supposed it was important.

He dried his hands on a towel as he walked cautiously to the door. The thought that someone could have followed him from the complex struck him but he found it unlikely. Balthazar had joked that he would follow Castiel home one of these days but Castiel never took him seriously. They both knew better than to get Dean too involved in Castiel’s other life.

He answered the door with a pleasant smile and found to his surprise a petite blonde on the other side.

"Hello." He said, blocking the sight into the apartment with his body.

"Oh." She bent out to look at the number beside the door. "I’m sorry, I thought this was Dean’s new apartment." She turned as if to leave and Castiel’s eyebrows momentarily shot up but he schooled his features quick enough.

"It is." He said before she could leave. "He left for work early today."

She turned back and frowned at him, clearly confused and he smiled pleasantly again. "Then who are you?" she asked a bit rudely but it didn’t faze him in the least.

"I’m Castiel, Dean’s roommate." Yes, that was the safest word he could come up with. He extended a hand and she shook it, firmly but cautiously.

"I’m Jo." She said after a moment’s hesitation. "I’m a good friend of Dean’s."

Castiel didn’t miss the enunciation on the word _good_ and he wondered briefly why he hadn’t heard Dean mention her before. " I’m sorry you missed him." He said instead. "Do you want me to take a message?"

She looked nearly appalled, Castiel noted with cleverly disguised amusement, as if the mere notion that _she_ would have to leave a message upset her. He wondered who this was to Dean.

" Actually don’t bother." She said sulkily. "My car broke down and I needed a ride to work, I’ll figure something else out."

Castiel immediately felt sympathetic. This was obviously a hassle, even though he never had experienced something like it he imagined it could seriously have a negative impact on the woman’s daily life.

"Have you tried calling him?" he asked and wondered if her go-to rescue was Dean because he was a mechanic or because he always stepped up when someone needed help. Why hadn’t she called her own family, or perhaps Sam, for instance?

The irritated glint in her eyes made him think it was more to this than he had first gauged. "I did but he didn’t answer. But he rarely does when he’s working so I suppose that’s it."

And now Castiel felt a little bad. Dean had decided to go into work earlier today because then he could home earlier and he had done so because Castiel last evening jokingly had said they should celebrate that they had managed to put up with each other for a whole week. He hadn’t really meant it but Dean had looked so into the idea that Castiel actually had spent the rest of the evening scouring the internet for good pecan pie recipes. So, in short, it was actually his fault that Dean was already gone at this time of day and was unable to help his friend.

"Hang on." He said and fished out his phone. "I’ll try one more time."

She huffed while he pressed the button for Dean’s speed dial. "I told you, it’s useless."

He nodded at her and put the phone to his ear. "It won’t hurt to try."

"He’s probably elbows deep in an old engine by now and—"

"Hello, Dean." Castiel interrupted her when Dean picked up on the second ring. He smiled at her clearly shocked face, hoping he didn’t look too smug.

"Cas?" Dean asked on the other end, sounding concerned. "Is everything okay?"

Castiel gestured for Jo to come inside and she did but she didn’t look happy. "Everything’s fine, Dean." He assured the other man but couldn’t blame him for wondering, all things considered. Plus, this was the first time Castiel had called during the day. "I’m just standing here at home with a friend of yours, Jo…?"

"Harvelle." Jo said grumpily while she looked around the hall.

"Harvelle." Castiel concluded on the phone.

"Jo?" Dean asked, clearly confused, and Castiel could almost see the adorable little crease between Dean’s eyebrows. "What does she want?"

"Well, apparently her car broke down, is that something you could help her with?"

Dean sighed exasperatedly. "I’ve told her a million times to drive that piece of shit to the pound." He sighed again, lighter, and it sounded as if he was moving around. "I’ll be there as soon as I can, do you mind entertaining her?"

Castiel watched Jo openly eying what she could see of the apartment from where they were standing. "I don’t mind."

"She can be a hassle."

"I don’t mind, Dean." He said warmly and oops, perhaps a bit too warmly. Jo was giving him the stink eye and he thought he now had a clear view on why she had gone to Dean first out of everyone she knew. He smiled at her when they had ended the call. "Dean’ll be here soon." He said and gestured in the direction of the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee?"

She accepted reluctantly and he let her lead the way, trusting his professional persona to know what to do with a woman like her.

Twenty minutes later it stood very clear to him that it didn’t matter how professional he was; there was no way for him to break through to her. That revelation brought another and he was smirking with his back turned as he finished the dishes under her barrage of questions. Yes, there was no doubt in his mind now as to why Dean was her go-to man.

He watched curiously as she tensed when they heard the front door open. She was up on her feet, ready to meet Dean in the doorway into the kitchen when the man walked in. That was, however, the moment Castiel’s curiosity in the little blonde ended because holy shit, Dean had come here in his work clothes.

Dean always left the apartment in his regular jeans and plaid shirts, coming home freshly showered and in the same attire. Logically Castiel knew that Dean wore other clothes at work because there was no way he worked with greasy cars and stayed that clean but _fuck_ , he had never expected that seeing Dean in a smudgy coverall would affect him as much as it did.

Dean had the sleeves rolled up, his hands were covered in oily black spots, he had on a baseball cap turned backwards, his coverall was scuffed at the knees, buttoned up half-way up his chest to show a once white tee that now looked more black and brown than anything else. Over his heart was a little broidery of his name and above it _Singer Auto_ in blue, slanted letters. He was sweaty and unclean and smelled like the goddamn embodiment of _man_.

Castiel had to lean back against the counter as Dean and Jo argued about what to do with her car. He barely heard anything through the rushing of his own blood. He had never been into stereotypes before, hadn’t even considered them very much, but here Dean was, looking like the stereotypical blue collar working man and Castiel didn’t think he had ever gotten hard this fast before.

"You know what?" Dean was saying, fingers pinched over the bridge of his nose. "Why don’t you go down and wait in the Impala?" he handed Jo the keys and shushed her when she protested. "Just work with me, Harvelle. I’ll drive you to work today and have your piece of shit Toyota towed to the shop. Garth’s in today so maybe, _maybe_ , he can fix whatever’s wrong."

"Fine." She huffed. She turned only half-way to Castiel and he was glad for it, fearing that his erection was quite visible where he stood rooted to the floor. "Nice to meet you." She said and Castiel nodded.

"You too." He answered and hoped to God his voice didn’t betray him.

"I’ll be right down." Dean yelled after her when she left but she didn’t answer. Dean sighed and turned to Castiel when they heard the door slam shut. "I’m sorry, I don’t know why she was being difficult like that."

Castiel smirked, knowing full well. He took his time checking Dean out and smirked wider when he saw that the other man realized. Dean looked confused and Castiel chuckled at him.

"I know why." He said and rested his hands on either side of his hips against the counter, displaying his obviously heated crotch even more. Dean’s reaction didn’t disappoint. "She claimed to be a close friend of yours and yet I, your roommate that she had heard nothing about, didn’t know who she was. She was offended and my mere presence here offended her even more."

"W-why?" Dean asked and Castiel felt smug about the hitch in that one word. Dean was staring at Castiel’s cock now.

"Because she’s interested in you and was hoping that you would be available now that you’ve clearly moved on from Lisa." He deadpanned and felt his dick twitch under Dean’s heated eyes.

Those eyes lifted, however, at his words. "What?" Dean asked confusedly. "Jo doesn’t think about me like that, she’s like a little sister to me."

"Yes." Castiel agreed languidly. "To you."

"But…" Dean’s brow furrowed and he just looked so adorably innocent that Castiel couldn’t take it anymore. Had to slip up to the other man and put his arms around Dean’s neck to bring him closer.

"So _you’re_ not interested in _her_?" he asked, shuddering when Dean’s dirty hands landed on the swell of his ass.

" No." Dean said firmly and Castiel arched into his body, letting the man feel just how much he wanted him.

"Good." Castiel breathed against Dean’s mouth and Dean’s lips trembled. "Because the things I want to do to you would be wildly inappropriate if you were."

"Jesus Christ, Cas." Dean mumbled and then outright moaned when Castiel surged up to kiss him heatedly.

He slotted a leg between Dean’s and shamelessly rolled his hips against the man. Dean groaned and grabbed Castiel tighter. Castiel loved it, loved the way Dean manhandled him up against the counter and loved the way Dean smelled of sweat and oil. He flipped off Dean’s cap and grabbed a hold on his short hair, pulling his head back to watch with fascination as Dean’s pupils dilated, as if the man’s growing erection wasn’t proof enough.

"I need you to go to work now, Dean." He rumbled and Dean arched into him.

"But—"

"And I need you to wear these clothes all day." He continued, tightening his grip in Dean’s hair. "And then I need you to come home in them, just as you are."

Dean’s eyes widened comically. "But… It’s dirty…" Dean mumbled, clearly not understanding.

"Yes." Castiel hissed and let go of Dean’s hair to lean in and nip at the skin on the man’s sweaty neck. "I want you to come home greasy and dirty and wonderfully aroused. Do that and I will fuck you better than you’ve ever been fucked before."

Dean bucked hard at that. "_Fuck_." He groaned and Castiel nodded against him.

" Yes." He rasped with his lips pressed to Dean’s ear. "I will, Dean. I’ll fuck you real good." Dean’s hands were everywhere on him and he was shamelessly rutting against Castiel. It felt so divine that Castiel almost caved in but no, he knew what he wanted now and he wouldn’t give it up so easily. He pushed and Dean stepped back immediately, even if it looked like the act pained him. Castiel put a hand on Dean’s cheek and pecked him on the lips. "Be good all day and don’t touch yourself." He instructed gently and Dean nodded with his eyes closed. "You know I’ll take care of you, I’ll always take care of my man." He said huskily and squeezed Dean’s sizable erection once. "What’s your color?"

Dean nodded and breathed out roughly once, obviously trying to collect himself. "Green."

Castiel nodded too, pleased. He hadn’t really meant to call Dean _my man_ , wasn’t sure he was allowed, but he realized it too late and he loved that Dean clearly allowed it. He ached to tell Dean how much he meant to Castiel but he wouldn’t. Not yet.

Instead he pecked Dean on the lips again and sent him off with a smack to his ass. Dean gave him a shaky grin and adjusted his dick before he left to follow Jo down the stairs.

Castiel wasn’t sure how Dean would react to this kind of treatment but from what he saw now it was clearly yet another thing Dean wasn’t used to but found himself enjoying. Castiel was beyond pleased and he only palmed himself for a short moment, only to calm down, before he went into the spare bedroom with its neatly made and unused bed and the box with his stuff that stood underneath it.

Yes, this was going to be a long but ultimately fun day and he was very glad that Dean had decided to come home early from work on this particular day. He smirked when he found his trusted cockring and butt plug. Yes, after a cold shower and some preparation with these it would certainly be a long day but Dean would be home soon enough and Castiel planned on making good on his promise. Oh yes, he would take very good care of his man indeed.

  
  


*****

  
  


It had been the _longest fucking day_ in the history of long days. When Dean finally clocked out he could barely breathe. Someone might or might not have asked him jokingly if he wasn’t going to change before he drove home but he didn’t answer. Didn’t even turn around to check if it indeed had been someone talking or if it was his imagination.

Because fuck knew that he felt awkward not showering after work but Cas had… what Cas had said in that voice of his… _God_ , Dean was a hazard on the road as he sped home. He had been half-hard the whole day and it hadn’t improved when Cas had sent him a text during lunch either.

_I know this is your lunch break, no touching._

Fuck, Dean had nearly creamed his pants. He knew he liked it when Cas was assertive in bed but this was something else. So deliciously lewd that Dean was impressed he had gotten any work done at all. He was sure his colleagues had noticed something was off because they had stayed away from him. Maybe the concentration he had had to exude to keep his dick down had translated as anger, what the hell did he know? He was just glad that he had been left alone. And when Garth had wanted to talk to Dean about Jo’s car he had just given Garth her phone number and declared his hands washed of that train-wreck of a car.

And now here he was, just inside the door to the apartment that he paid for but that Cas made homely, shaking slightly and still goddamn half-hard, fattening up at the mere thought of Cas’ hands on him. He felt a little embarrassed, though, wondering if Cas hadn’t been joking after all because there was no way he had been serious about Dean not changing clothes, right? He knew he was disgusting, so clearly that had been a joke, _right_? He felt stupid. He should just turn around and go back to work, get his regular clothes at least. Yeah.

And then Cas walked out into the hall. His cheeks were slightly flushed, his hair tousled, and he had this grin on his face that made Dean weak in the knees.

"I thought I heard you." Cas rumbled in that way that made Dean’s dick insta-hard.

"Yeah, I…" he didn’t know what to say, just knew that he felt stupid in his clothes but still so aroused from Cas’ gaze raking all over him. Shit, if he liked bossy Cas then maybe he liked a little humiliation as well? He had never thought about it before but then again he had never had a bedpartner quite like Cas either, so…

Cas walked up to Dean and fuck, the way he walked was just so _sinuous_ that Dean nearly whimpered at the sight. Then Cas’ hands were on him and he thumped back against the front door when Cas pressed against him.

" You look so delicious, Dean." Cas groaned against Dean’s lips and proceeded to swallow the moans as he grinded against Dean. Fuck, the man was already so hard and Dean realized dizzily that Cas had indeed been thinking about this just as much as he had. _Fuck._ " Do you feel that, Dean?" Cas asked lewdly and smirked knowingly as he undulated his hips. "Been so hard for you all day, couldn’t think about anything else but you in your greasy monkey suit." He bent in to suck at Dean’s neck and Dean spread his legs wantonly, needing Cas as close as possible.

"Fucking hell." He gasped and grabbed Cas’ ass to push him harder against Dean’s body. "Me too, Cas. Couldn’t think straight all day."

"Yeah?" Cas asked as he soothed the bruise he had put on Dean’s neck. "Did thinking of this make you hard? Did you have to hide it when you talked to customers? Lil’ old ladies would be scared if they knew the huge boner you sported, yes? Only for me, though, isn’t that right?"

Dean didn’t know what to do with himself. They had done a couple of sexy things and had had actual penetrative sex twice, both of which had been awesome even if they had felt completely different from each other, but nothing had felt like this. Cas talking filth while pressed up against Dean like this was the best feeling ever. He loved that Cas usually took care to check on Dean so that what they did wasn’t too much but Dean was honestly getting past the point where having a man hold him scared him. He was more than fucking ready to just let go and whatever Cas saw when he looked at Dean in his dirty coverall clearly made the man aroused enough to give Dean what he needed without preamble.

"Yes, Cas, yes." He gasped as he rutted against the man, delighting in the feel of Cas’ rock hard dick. "Only for you. Been so hard for you but I didn’t touch myself, saved it like you said. Fuck," he mouthed at Cas’ deliciously scruffy jawline. "Do you know how hard it is to take a piss like this?"

Cas chuckled darkly and Dean couldn’t help it. He fucking whimpered at the sound. "Tell me about it." Cas rumbled, his hands insistent as he massaged Dean’s sides. "I had to pee in the shower, sorry about that."

" _God_." Dean groaned, his eyes rolling back at the mere thought. " Cas, I need you. I can’t fucking wait any longer."

Cas breathed sharply through his nose and Dean knew he was going to get what he wanted. Cas loved it when Dean begged for him and to be quite honest Dean loved it too, loved the effect it had on Cas, if nothing else.

"Come here." Cas said roughly and grabbed Dean’s hand to drag him down the hall to the bedroom.

"Is that so wise?" Dean asked, his eyes trained on Cas’ ass as he stumbled along behind the man. "I’m filthy and we have to sleep in that bed."

Cas’ eyes glinted as he grinned over his shoulder at Dean. "Oh you’re filthy alright." He said in his gravelly whisky-voice and fuck, Dean had to reach down to grab himself.

When they entered the bedroom Dean saw the comforter from the spare bed and its pillow down on the floor by the foot of the bed. He looked over to Cas and Cas grinned at him before ripping his tee over his head.

"Lie down, Dean." Cas commanded and Dean found himself powerless to disobey. "Open your coveralls only around your crotch. I want you to pull out your dick through the hole."

Dean’s fingers paused over his crotch, already half-way to complying before he started comprehending what was going on here. If Cas wanted him to keep his clothes on, then did that mean…?

"Cas?" He asked in a wavy voice not even he recognized.

Cas’ eye were dark with lust as he pulled his sweatpants down to reveal his clearly engorged dick and the cockring securely attached around the base. "I know the floor isn’t as comfortable as the bed, Dean." He said as he sat down, straddling Dean’s thighs and helped him pull out his leaking dick. Dean arched up into the touch and watched with big eyes as Cas pulled a condom from one of the pockets of his sweatpants and proceeded with rolling it down Dean’s _very_ interested dick.

" Cas…" he gasped and put his hands on the man’s thighs as Cas knee-walked higher up Dean’s trembling body.

"But I want to be able to ride you as hard as possible."

"Fuck." Dean groaned. _Fuckfuckfuck._ His finger nails were digging little crescent shaped dents into Cas’ thighs and Cas just smirked down at him as he bent over to stand on all fours over Dean.

" I can’t wait for my big mechanic to fuck me." He rumbled and Dean’s hips bucked helplessly. "I want you inside so bad, Dean."

Dean was gasping and bucking, desperate to come and desperate to hold it, just a little longer. Fuck, he had never expected this. Had thought about it, a lot, but had never expected the roles to be interchangeable so easily. His hands were trembling as much as the rest of him and he tightened his grip on Cas, almost pulling his hips down, desperate for friction.

"But, Cas…" he moaned. He needed to say this but he could hardly concentrate. Cas bent down to kiss him and even though the kiss was all teeth and tongue and need it grounded him enough to grab a hold on Cas’ unruly hair and pull his head back. That rewarded him with friction as Cas moaned and ground down on Dean’s ready-to-burst dick. "Fuck, Cas, let-let me talk." He put his other hand on the swell of Cas’ ass and pushed him down but held him still so he could fucking think for a moment.

"Dean." Cas groaned wantonly and shit, he hadn’t even known Cas could sound like that. Sound so wonderfully needy.

"Cas, what about your stitches?" he asked in what he hoped was a serious tone but that most probably was tinged with desperation. "I don’t want you to get hurt."

Cas braced himself on his hands and pushed so that he once again was standing on all fours above Dean. Dean’s hips undulated abortively but he made no other movement.

"Dean, you…" Cas cut himself off and closed his eyes for a moment, smiling fondly and the expression on his face was intimate in an almost painful way. Then he opened his clearly lust-blown eyes and smirked again, reaching behind himself. He did something that made him gasp sharply and Dean craned his neck to see but could only surmise that it was something to do with his ass.

He then rose to stand on his knees directly above Dean’s hard dick and it was made clear to Dean that he was pulling something out of his ass. Dean nearly lost it then. He sat up abruptly, wrapping his arms around Cas to keep the man from falling over and looked around him to see what the hell was going on.

And the sight nearly did him in. He grabbed his dick roughly as he watched Cas slowly pull a fat butt plug out of his ass.

"What the hell, Cas?" Dean breathed, his voice reverent and Cas shivered at the sound.

"I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, Dean." He rumbled and then moaned as he pushed the plug in a little, fucking himself on it for a short moment. "I need you to take me."

"Fuck yes, babe." Dean ground out, still just as breathlessly, and reached around to prod at the rim, finding it all puffy and slick. "You just gonna sit down on me? Let me do you real good?"

"Dean." Cas gasped and pulled the plug all the way out. "Lie down." He pushed hard on Dean’s chest and Dean willingly stretched out again.

"Jesus, Cas, you’re gorgeous." He mumbled and let his hands rove over the expanse of Cas’ stomach and chest. He couldn’t help but brush against Cas’ impressive hard-on and watched in fascination as Cas’ hips bucked. "Come on, Cas, sit down on me. Let me feel you all around me. Need to see you when you ride me like this, I can’t wai—fuck!" his back arched and he tried desperately to stay still as Cas started sinking down on him.

Cas had his head thrown back, baring his throat wonderfully, and he groaned as his ass clenched around Dean and he fisted Dean’s greasy clothes.

"God, Dean." Cas bit out. "You feel so fucking good, I can’t take it." He slammed down the last inches and Dean couldn’t not buck up at that. His hands flew to Cas’ hips, more to steady himself than the man, and Cas looked down with smoldering eyes. He spread his legs on either side of Dean, flexing his inner muscles and just kind of grinded his ass on Dean’s crotch.

"Oh fuck, Cas." Dean nearly sobbed. The silky smoothness of Cas’ ass was almost more than he could handle. Cas was stretched from the plug, that was true, but he was still so fucking tight that Dean could barely breathe.

"Yes, Dean." Cas hissed out through his teeth and pulled himself up before slamming down forcefully.

Dean cried out and bucked up and then there was no stopping either one of them. Cas had his hands on Dean’s heaving stomach as Dean rolled with him and fucking hell, Dean had never believed it could get this good.

Cas’ body was sweaty and flushed and his dick bobbed with the motion. Dean’s fingers were digging into his hips and Dean wanted to see the marks for days. His marks. On his Cas. Fuck, Cas was beautiful like this.

Then Cas leaned back and screamed wordlessly as Dean hit that special spot inside the man that always made Dean see stars. His thighs flexed around Dean’s hips even as his ass flexed around Dean’s dick and Dean couldn’t fucking breathe. Could only brace his feet on the floor to be able to pound harder up into Cas’ heat.

It took a moment for Dean to register that the sound he was hearing over Cas’ panting was himself babbling. "Fuck, baby, feels so good." He pressed out as he rammed Cas’ prostate, making the man whine high-pitched. "Nev-never felt anything better. You look so good, making all these noises for me. Gonna, gonna come soon. Fuck. Never want it to be over."

"Dean." Cas gasped intermittently. "Dean, you have no idea. Fucking come for me. I need you so much, Dean."

Dean bit his lower lip and pounded Cas harder. "Want to see you come first." He pressed out, having no idea where the stamina for that was supposed to come from but fuck, he felt like he needed that more than to come himself. "Get that ring off, babe. Shoot all over me."

"You clothes—"

Shit, was that why Cas wore the cockring? So he wouldn’t stain Dean’s clothes because he didn’t think he would be able to hold it? Because Cas thought having Dean inside him would make him lose control? _Holy shit._

" I don’t fucking care, Cas!" Dean barked and reached down to grab roughly at the man’s ass, spreading his cheeks even as he slammed home. "Do it."

"Fuck, Dean." Cas gasped and reached down to snap open his cockring and the _sound_ he made caused Dean’s eyes to roll back into his head. " Not gonna last." He pressed out as he took his red dick in his hand, stripping it fast. "Dean, I—"

He cut himself off with a strangled shout, his dick bursting to shoot out spurt after spurt of thick white ropes. Dean whimpered as more than a couple of shots hit him on the neck and even chin and he came seconds later, unable to bear how Cas spasmed around him.

Cas slumped down against Dean’s chest and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ naked body, hugging him so tightly that he thought Cas would have trouble breathing but he fucking needed to feel the man this close. He was still nestled inside Cas’ ass and it felt amazing even as he felt his come dribbling out as his dick softened gradually.

He couldn’t fucking believe Cas had given this to him. Or that Cas had wanted it enough to take it. Either way he couldn’t believe it. Also, now that the arousal was slowly giving way to comprehension he couldn’t believe he had called Cas pet names. And now that he thought about it, that wasn’t the first time, was it? He had called Cas babe before and Cas hadn’t protested then just as he hadn’t protested now. It made Dean feel powerful and so ridiculously happy that he almost started crying.

"Babe?" he asked just because he had to and he heard Cas hum in response, obviously tired and sated but still not protesting the pet name. Dean felt a thrill go through his core at that. "Shower?"

Cas either shook his head or rubbed his face against Dean neck. Either way it tickled and Dean chuckled as he carded his hand through Cas’ sweaty hair.

Cas eventually sat up, though, and Dean immediately missed him. Cas’ eyes flew over Dean’s no doubt debauched visage and he grinned to himself.

"I like you all dirty." He stated and sounded smug.

Dean laughed and Cas chuckled when it made him bounce on Dean’s stomach. "I noticed."

Cas looked sheepish and Dean fucking loved it. Loved how assertive Cas was in bed, even as a bottom apparently, and how he was almost bashful at other times.

"Was this okay?" he asked then and Dean looked somberly at him. "Do I have to ask you your color?"

Dean smiled widely, feeling butterflies in his stomach at Cas’ concern. "I think we’ve moved past the use of that, don’t you?"

Cas ducked his head when he smiled and yeah, the butterflies just multiplied by a thousand. "Yeah." He agreed and then looked up, a teasing glint in his brilliantly blue eyes. "Unless we do something _really_ off the rockers."

Dean’s mind reeled with the implications. "Yeah." He agreed breathlessly and watched how Cas gracefully stood up, towering over Dean and Dean fucking loved it. Lying prone beneath Cas should probably not feel as good as it did but _fuck_.

" Come on." Cas said and held out a hand. "Shower."

Dean nodded mutely and let Cas haul him to his feet, still thinking about everything they could do to each other. Thinking of every way they could explore each other. Yeah, he fucking loved that Cas was living with him now and he dreaded to even think about what would happen now that Cas’ stitches had healed.

One thing at a time, though, and right now he had to focus on removing his clothes while his legs were still goddamn shaky from his orgasm. Cas watched him amusedly while he waited for the water to heat up in the shower.

"You okay there, _babe_?" Cas asked mischievously and Dean nearly choked.

" Y-yeah." He answered, beet red, and smiled lopsidedly when Cas laughed and pulled him into the shower.

It was hard to tell what felt the best. The mind-blowing sex or Cas’ hands on him as the man washed Dean clean of come and the day’s filth. He wanted to be manly and say it was the sex but the truth was that it was the loving way Cas caressed his body as he washed the soap off and he wasn’t even sorry.

  
  



	11. Be mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plooooooot

  
  


Dean was sitting on his couch that Saturday, trying to enjoy his beer and the Oakland Raiders game and definitely not thinking about Cas. Cas, who was only over at the complex to talk to his friends and who would be home in no time. Who had told Dean not to worry, that he would be back in time for dinner, that it would be better for Dean to watch the game without him anyway because he didn’t understand jack squat about football.

Yes, Dean was certainly not sitting here thinking about what kind of trouble Cas could get into by going over to a complex owned by his boss, a boss who had threatened him to stay away. Seriously, why was Cas going over there at all? Dean was afraid it had to do with his drug problem but he hadn’t dared ask. He had just kissed Cas goodbye in an almost painfully domestic display and told him to call if he wanted Dean to pick him up.

So here he was now, sipping lukewarm beer and definitely thinking the game would have been better with Cas on the couch beside him, even if he would have had to explain the play to the man. Yes, Cas on the couch, in Dean’s lap, on top of Dean. Any which way would’ve been better than this.

Dean sighed and sloshed the beer around in the bottle before taking another swig. It was getting disgustingly warm and he was just contemplating pouring it in the sink when his phone rang.

The caller ID read _Bitch_ so he smiled before he answered and put it to his ear.

" Sammy." He said and put the bottle to his lips but didn’t tip it. "You’re a lifesaver, I’m bored out of my mind and—"

"Are you home?"

Dean frowned at Sam’s stressed and almost angry tone. "Yeah, why?"

"We’re coming over."

"Sure, but it’s not clean so—" he was cut off by Sam hanging up. He sat for a moment, staring at the phone with his brow creased because seriously, what the hell had that been about?

The doorbell rang not five minutes later, which of course only served to make him more confused. He got up to open it anyway and was pushed back when Sam forced his way into the apartment.

"Well, hello to you too." Dean muttered grumpily and was surprised to see Jo with Sam and not Jess like he had kind of assumed.

"Dean." Sam said as he emerged from the living room just as Dean closed the front door. "Where’s Cas?"

Dean frowned. "With his friends, why?" cold icy tendrils gripped him suddenly. "Has something happened, is he okay?"

Jo snorted. "Oh he’s okay, alright."

"Jo." Sam said warningly but Dean had already heard and he was glaring at her now.

"What’s this about?"

Sam sighed and walked off into the living room again. Jo followed and Dean did so too, a little reluctantly. He muted the TV but didn’t invite anyone of them to sit down.

"Dean," Sam started and then sighed again, carding his ridiculously big hand through his floppy hair. "I don’t know where to begin. How much do you know about Cas, really?"

Dean narrowed his eyes. "Enough." He bit out, wondering why he felt the sudden urge to defend the man. "Why?"

Jo flipped her hair over her shoulder and sighed obnoxiously. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a white squared piece of paper. "I found this in the Impala this Thursday."

Dean accepted the card with a frown and flipped it over in his hand. It felt like a cold shower when he was met with the words _Crowley’s Independent Contractors_.

" Where?" he croaked and gripped the card hard. "Did you look through my glove compartment?"

She looked almost confused. "It was on the floor."

The floor? How was that possible? Had it landed there after Dean had put it back in the glove compartment after he got the number that second time he had used it? Unlikely, unless… unless his hands had shook enough when he was putting it back that he dropped it? But then it had been there this whole time, even during the move, and how was that possible? Or maybe this wasn’t the same card, maybe this was another one that Cas had carried around and dropped? Or maybe Jo was lying and she _had_ rifled through his car. His eyes snapped up to hers and he saw her swallow nervously.

" Okay." He said and turned to Sam instead. "So?"

"So." Sam said and gestured to the card. "Jo showed it to me yesterday and I remembered you mentioning Cas’ boss’ name was Crowley."

"And we checked out the website, Dean." Jo cut in and pointed at the card. Dean didn’t have to look down to know there was a webpage listed along with two numbers. "And it was a fucking porn site."

"Calm down, Jo." Sam said gently and then turned to Dean. Dean felt rooted to the floor. "It sounds far-fetched, I know, but listen." He took the card from Dean and held it up so he could point at one of the numbers. Ruby’s number, Dean knew nowadays. "We called this number just to see what we got and it took very little time to understand that we were on a line to order a prostitute. So I," he sighed and shut his eyes momentarily. "I took a shot and asked if I could book a time with Castiel. I couldn’t, but only because she said Castiel was unavailable for the week but that he probably would be back next week. She even referred me to someone with the same skills as him. Dean, do you get what I’m saying?"

"I…" Dean knew alright but what the fuck was he supposed to say? Fuck, he wanted Cas to be here with him at this moment.

"Dean, your roommate is a fucking whore." Jo sneered and Dean had to control his breathing. "Sam explained to me that he’s only living with you because he got sacked, don’t you realize he’s only playing you?"

"Jo." Sam said, obviously in an attempt to calm her down. "We agreed to talk about this calmly."

"Calmly?" Jo huffed. "The man is a fucking con-artist and Dean is too nice to see it."

"Yes, I know," Sam said placatingly. "But we said we would—"

"Enough!" Dean barked and the both of them jumped at his tone but fuck if he cared. He couldn’t stand here, hearing them talk about Cas like that and not say something. "Sam, shut your goddamn cakehole and sit the fuck down. Jo," he turned to the young blonde and had to remind himself that she was his friend and only wanted to help him. It didn’t go all that well. "You need to leave, right now."

"But, Dean—"

He held up his hand to stop her. "I don’t want to hear it, Jo." He said gruffly and saw that she looked on the verge of tears but he couldn’t stop himself now. "I will not have you come here and accuse Cas of things when you know nothing about the man. Let’s get this straight; _Cas is not a whore_. Now leave, we will speak another day."

" But—"

"Jo, leave my home right the fuck now or this’ll be the last time we’ll ever speak." He looked at her with eyes hard as steel and a grip tight enough around the beer bottle that he was surprised it hadn’t cracked in his fist.

Jo stared wide-eyed at him for several heartbeats before she swirled around and promptly fled the room and ultimately the apartment. Dean jerked when the front door slammed shut and he knew he had been too hard on her. She was his friend, one of the few, and she only wanted his best.

He sighed heavily and sat down on the coffee table in front of Sam where he sat on the couch, watching Dean with round eyes.

"Dean? Are you okay?" he asked after a long moment spent in tense silence.

Dean leaned his elbows on his knees, hanging his head, and sighed again. "I’m an ass."

He heard Sam swallow. "Maybe you were a little hard on her but she did push harder than we agreed, so…"

Dean groaned and rubbed his face, barely able to meet his little brother’s concerned face. "I lied, Cas is totally a whore."

Sam sat in stunned silence for several minutes, just staring at Dean. Dean blinked at him and just barely refrained from snapping his fingers in front of Sammy’s eyes. He shrugged and chugged the last of his beer before putting it down on the table and sitting back to wait for Sam to regain his senses.

"Wha?"

"Eloquent." Dean said dryly and it was Sam’s turn to blink stupidly.

"But you said…"

"I lied." Dean said again and shook his head, looking down at his hands. "Do you think I want everyone to know? Do you think Cas does?"

"But…" Sam’s brows knitted together and Dean prepared for the shit storm. "What the hell, Dean?"

"It’s okay, Sammy, I’ve known all along, he’s not taking advantage of my kindness or anything stupid like that."

"No, I-I actually didn’t think he was, that was Jo’s concern. I just thought you didn’t know and… You’ve known _all along_?"

Boy, Sam’s voice could go awfully squeaky for someone so big, Dean noted sourly. "How the hell do you think we met? He saw me bawling my eyes out over Lisa and decided to take pity on me and become my friend?" Dean sighed exasperatedly when Sam gave him a look that told him that yes, that was approximately what his brother had thought. "More like I happened to stop on the street he was working and he saw me as easy prey." Dean snorted at Sam’s appalled face. "Come on, it’s not that awful."

"It’s _illegal_ , Dean." Sam said in a much harder tone than Dean would have thought him capable of.

Dean grimaced. "I know." He mumbled and averted his eyes. "But I’m not paying anymore or anything like that. We really became friends, Sam, and believe me, I would love for nothing else than for him to stop doing that. I want him to come live here with me instead. I just, I dunno…" he sighed and clasped his hands between his knees when he leaned down on his elbows again. "It feels better when he’s here, that’s all. Like… I know he’s safe here with me, and that makes me feel calm."

"Oh my God."

Dean looked up to see Sam staring at him with the most shocked face he had pulled since he was five and found that leech on his little prick. "What?"

"You’re fucking in love with him."

Dean blushed so hard he felt lightheaded. Would’ve had to sit down if he wasn’t already. "Am not." He pushed out, feeling breathless.

"Fucking hell." Sam groaned and leaned back against the couch, his big hands covering his face. "You’re so in love with him it’s not even funny. Goddamnit, Dean." He sat up straight and fixed Dean with a hard stare that Dean resolutely avoided. "Do you know what kind of shit you could get wrapped up in if you try to whisk away a prostitute from his pimp? This is not _Pretty Woman_."

Dean snorted because it would be inappropriate to laugh right now. But he could just picture Cas in Julia Roberts’ place and it made him smile in that way Cas always made him smile.

"I know it’s not." He said and looked up in surprise when Sam made a disgusted noise.

"You don’t wanna know the kind of face you just made."

"Oh shut up." Dean grumbled and wished he had more beer. He tapped the bottle absentmindedly.

"Dean, I’m serious." Sam leaned forwards and gave Dean that concerned face of his, brow knitted again and everything. "It could get dangerous and I’m concerned that Cas is hiding something from you."

Dean rolled his eyes. "You mean like how he’s drug addicted? Yeah," he nodded at Sam’s flabbergasted face. "I know that too. Speed, pills."

"Amphetamine?" Sam rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Dean, that’s…"

"I know." Dean looked down at his fists, flexing them slowly. "_Believe_ me, I know. Remember dinner that day Cas showed up?"

" At mom and dad’s?"

"Yeah. Cas, he…" Dean took a deep breath. "It wasn’t his pain meds he’d forgotten here, it was—"

"Withdrawal." Sam breathed and Dean nodded.

"And as for that danger I could put myself in, well, I…" he laughed nervously. "Remember how I found Cas raped in Caliente?" Sam nodded mutely and Dean could already see the specks of understanding seeping into his brother’s freakishly smart brain. "Yeah, no. He was working and I kind of flipped out when I saw so I punched the john he was with and kind of kidnapped him. Got him in a lot of trouble." He mumbled the last part, twisting his fingers as he looked down.

Fuck, this was hard to say out loud. He wouldn’t say more than that, though. Not that that Walker had tortured Cas because of it and not that Dean was fairly certain and a lot scared that when Cas had said Crowley had handled Walker he had meant that the man was dead now. Cas had after all once said that Crowley didn’t like it when his stuff got damaged. Dean had chosen not to dwell on that thought and to never bring it up for questioning.

"Shit, Dean. And he was so out of it."

"Yeah, well, Cas still thinks they roofied him because he doesn’t usually get like that from his own pills so…" he shrugged, uncertain how he wanted to end that sentence. This was not a subject often talked about in the circuits Dean was used to mingle. They all knew drugs existed and they had all seen it being used but no one they knew had tried anything worse than pot so it was strange to talk about.

"Dean." Sam leaned forwards and put a hand on Dean’s knee. "What’s going on between you and Cas, then? Why is he living with you?"

"I…" Dean cleared his throat. "I dunno exactly." He refused to meet Sam’s eyes but it looked like Sam was okay with that for the moment. Shit, this was difficult to talk about. "I just want to take him away from all that crap."

"Dean." Sam said again, imploringly, and Dean actually glanced up at his little brother. "Is he some kind of baby bird you’ll nurse to make yourself feel better?"

Dean was frankly appalled that Sam had even asked that. Felt a little like he wanted to punch his brother and he had never wanted that in his life. "No." He said heatedly and saw how Sam nodded without judgement.

"Is he your rebound?"

"What?"

Sam pressed his lips together briefly. "You were with Lisa for a _long_ time Dean, and you tend to get attached. And I’m guessing that you’ve only started taking an interest in men since you met Cas. Is he a rebound for you to get over Lisa? Is he your gay experiment?"

" Because it would be easy to use a whore like that, is that what you’re saying?" Dean spat but his anger was short-lived.

"Dean, you know I have a point." Sam said in his painfully patient tone.

"Yeah, I know." Dean grumbled and looked at his forgotten beer bottle. Fuck, he had just wanted a beer and to watch the game until Cas got back. The TV was still playing in the background, lonely and mute. "‘S not like I haven’t thought the same thing. But the thing is… I feel better when he’s around, okay?" he looked up to see Sam studying him closely. "Like I can breathe easier when he’s here, not even Lisa felt like that."

They sat for a long time in awkward silence, Sam thinking only God knew what and Dean thinking that he’d rather spend a whole day helping Mary Christmas shopping than keep this fucking awful conversation up.

"You’re so in love with him." Sam said eventually and slapped Dean on the knee, almost as if he was proud of him.

"Shut up." Dean spluttered maturely and still refused to meet his little brother’s eyes.

"It’s okay, Dean. You may be in love with a man, a male whore with a drug addiction, but at least he treats you good. I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy for years." He was shaking his head when Dean dared to look over at him. "I actually thought something like this was going on but then Jo found that card and I got afraid that he was conning you."

"He’s not."

"I got it." Sam actually smiled at him. "I had a hunch, what with him looking at you like you’re the knight to his damsel in distress."

Dean wanted so much in that moment. For this conversation to be over, for Sam to explain himself more, for Sam to shut the fuck up, but mostly for Cas to conveniently choose that moment to stroll into the apartment all okay and smiling like he usually did when he saw Dean.

"Please, Sam." He said in a low tone that made Sam stop smiling. "Please don’t tell anyone about this. I’m not sure what Cas wants with me, if I’m lucky it’s even remotely close to what I want, and if we’re ever gonna manage that I can’t have fucking everyone judging him by this."

Sam pressed his lips together again and then nodded. "Okay, Dean."

"Don’t tell Cas."

"I will if he asks."

Dean nodded, gratefully accepting the compromise. "Thanks Sammy."

"Just…" Sam put his hand on Dean’s knee again. "Be careful."

"Yeah." Dean agreed, blushing again like the fucking girl Cas’ presence apparently had turned him into. But he wasn’t in the least sorry about that, not with Sam supporting him like this. It had actually felt good to talk about this. Not that he would tell Sam that, wouldn’t want Samsquatch to get his panties in a bunch over a stupid conversation they shouldn’t even have had to have. "Good talk." He mumbled and rose to his feet. "Beer?"

"Sure." Sam said and turned on the sound on the TV when Dean left him to go into the kitchen.

Normalcy flooded the apartment with the familiar sound of the football game and Dean allowed himself to relax. He looked at the clock and noticed that Cas had been gone for over two hours. Dean gritted his teeth and made himself sit down beside his brother and watch the rest of the game.

  
  


*****

  
  


They were lying side by side in bed that night and Dean couldn’t tear his eyes away from Cas’ face. The man was on his back with the covers barely covering his body in the warm night, his expression peaceful and Dean had realized a long time ago that men could be just as beautiful as women, if not more.

Cas was breathing evenly but he wasn’t asleep, Dean knew, and yet he let Dean just stare at him, completely at ease. Dean wanted that for him for always. Fuck, the conversation with Sam had felt brutal but after he had actually felt a little better, as if he was getting clearer on what he actually wanted with Cas.

And then Cas had come home and the three of them had eaten pizza, shared some beer and Sam and Dean had gone to extreme measures trying to explain football to Cas. It had in short turned out to be one of the greatest evenings in Dean’s memory. He loved how Sam accepted Cas, even knowing everything, and he loved how well Cas fitted in.

But even though Sam had kept his word and not said a thing to Cas, Dean still felt bad that Sam now knew this big secret and Cas wasn’t even aware. It didn’t feel right, keeping that from Cas.

He reached out and lazily traced Cas’ left pectoral, unable to not touch. He was glad to say that Cas was already looking healthier, just from spending a week with Dean. Still very slim but more toned than thin. He watched in fascination how Cas’ nipple pebbled from even the slightest of touches.

Cas turned his head to Dean and when Dean looked up he saw that the man was looking back at him. Cas’ brilliantly blue eyes shone in the slight moonlight that filtered in through the only hastily drawn drapes.

"Hey." Dean said lowly and watched how Cas’ lips quirked at the corners.

"Hello, Dean."

Dean swallowed and looked down at Cas’ chest again. It was rising and falling steadily and Dean imagined he could feel Cas’ heart beat under his fingers. He lifted his hand to trace Cas’ face delicately and Cas’ eyes flittered shut but he lay still under Dean’s exploring fingers. Fuck, Cas looked so tranquil that Dean never wanted the moment to end. But he had stuff he needed to say and he would never be braver than now.

"Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" Cas sounded sleepy but not overly so.

He cupped Cas’ cheek. "I… Sam came over earlier."

Cas opened his eyes and smiled. "I know." He said amusedly. "I was here, remember?"

 _Yes you were_ , Dean thought. When Cas had come home not long after the conversation between the brothers had ended, looking completely normal, Dean had breathed a big sigh of relief at the sight.

"No, I mean, he came by much earlier, with Jo and…" he sighed and pulled back, sitting up a little against the headboard. Cas traced his movements with his eyes but stayed where he was. "She’d found one of your business cards in the Impala."

"Oh."

Dean looked down to see that Cas was looking out into the dark room. "Yeah." He said and swallowed. "She thought you were conning me."

Cas looked up at that and Dean’s breath caught at the intense stare. "And what did you say?"

"That you weren’t." Dean threaded his fingers together and rested them in his lap. "I told her that you weren’t a prostitute and that I didn’t want her talking about you like that. I threw her out."

Cas made a soft sound. "She was only looking out for you."

"I know, but…" Dean swallowed again. "But I don’t want people judging you because of what you’ve had to do."

Cas nodded and sat up beside Dean. "And what did Sam say?"

Dean looked away. "I told him the truth after Jo’d left. Not the _whole_ truth but enough. About the prostitution and drugs, at least. Told him not to tell you that he knew because I thought it would make you uncomfortable but I-I can’t…" he looked over at Cas and saw him looking at him with his brilliantly blue eyes. " I don’t want to keep secrets from you."

Cas’ eyes softened and he put a warm hand on Dean’s arm. "It’s okay, Dean. You and your brother can have private conversations without me knowing."

"Yeah but, they were about you and… And me."

"And what about us? What did Sam say when you told him?"

Dean sighed and carded his hand through his hair. "I told him how we met, kind of. And that I like it when you’re here, when you’re around…" he mumbled the last part but he didn’t have to look over to know Cas was smiling. Could feel it like a 100 gigawatt light bulb. "And he said I was in love with you but he’s so full of bullshit, you don’t even know, so I said—"

"Dean."

Dean cut himself off when Cas’ hand on his arm tightened. He could hardly breathe, couldn’t fucking believe he had said that. "What?"

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

Cas’ thumb brushed the fine hairs on his arm. "Are you in love with me?"

Dean stopped breathing for a moment. This was not what this conversation was supposed to be about. He felt intermittently cold and hot and didn’t know where to look. Cas was sitting calmly beside him and he wanted to just bury against the man and never resurface. Fuck, Dean Winchester was not a whimp in any way but this felt scarier than anything he had ever done. What if he said he was and Cas wasn’t? What if Cas said he was too? What the fuck was he expecting, or hoping for?

"I-I…" he cleared his throat awkwardly. He hadn’t even said something like this to Lisa and she had been the love of his life. Well, he had thought, at least. Now he knew better. "It feels better when you’re around." He mumbled unsteadily. "And when you leave it feels like you take a part of me with you. I don’t want you to go now that your stitches have healed and the two weeks are up. I fucking hate it and whenever I think about that I just want to shoot myself." His voice was rising and growing steadier with every word. Cas was sitting quietly beside him, his hand still on 

Dean’s arm and listening calmly. That made Dean even more convinced to continue because this was the truth and he needn’t fear it. "When I think about other people touching you like that I feel like vomiting and I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want with your life but I can want other things for you. And I do. And I know all your friends live in that complex but I want you to live here, with me, even if you decide to continue working like that."

"Dean." Cas said and he sounded strangely awed, as if Dean had given him the keys to his castle. "Do you really want that?"

Dean took a deep breath, plunging ahead. "No. What I want is for you to be mine." He turned to Cas then and roughly grasped the man’s hands. "Can you be only mine?"

Cas looked at him with eyes wide with apprehension and wonder. "But I… Dean, I have nothing to offer you."

"How about some fucking peace of mind, Cas?" Dean said gruffly, refusing to acknowledge the lump that was steadily forming in his throat. "I can’t fucking think without you around."

Cas held onto Dean’s hands hard. "I want to stop working for Crowley, I really do, but if I do I’ll have nothing. I’ll have no money."

"Well, I have a goddamn job, don’t I?" Dean asked in a much more irritated tone than he had intended. "I’ve provided for us so far, right?" and okay, food for two grown men and this rent? It would be a stretch but they could always move to a smaller apartment if they needed to.

"But I…"

And Dean knew that this wasn’t about that. Without money Cas wouldn’t be able to support his drug addiction. Well, maybe Dean didn’t want that supported. Maybe he was already looking at rehab options and maybe having Cas move here would just be the first step. Didn’t want to say that out loud, though.

"I know, Cas." He mumbled and pressed his thumbs against the soft skin on the back of Cas’ hands. "But you know what? Maybe you could get another job?"

"Doing what? I have no skills, Dean." He sounded so pained that Dean had to press his lips together to keep from leaning in and kiss him.

"‘Course you do. You have mad people skills, right? Could charm anyone. And you know Russian, maybe that could be helpful? And…" he smiled, reeling from what a good idea he’d just gotten. "And Bobby always says us mechanics suck at greeting customers, maybe you could just work there? Be a receptionist or something."

Cas was smiling too, now. A little more cautiously as if he couldn’t quite believe Dean but as if he wanted to. "I know a little French too." He mumbled and ducked his head when Dean’s eyes budged out.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I… I used to have a client who was from Canada. He used to take me to this French restaurant and make me order off the menu. He would only pay for my food if I used French to order and I was always hungry."

Dean snorted a laugh and fought the daunting feeling that came with the knowledge that Cas used to have this whole other life aside from Dean. "Sounds like a real original."

Cas chuckled and Dean wanted to drown in that sound. Fuck. "Yeah, and he only wanted me to suck him off in his office, nothing else and nowhere else. He used to sit at his desk and work while I worked him over. I was sad to leave him, actually. The pay was good and he was nice."

"You left him?" Dean furrowed his brow. "It wasn’t here?"

"No." Cas looked away and it was hard to tell in the darkness if he was sad or uncomfortable. "It was in Georgia, a long time ago."

Dean swallowed and was annoyed to notice that the lump had grown. He was abruptly reminded of how little he actually knew of the man who shared his bed. And was frankly a little scared to notice how little he cared about not knowing. He just wanted Cas now and forever and all of that other shit shouldn’t matter.

"So, okay." He squeezed Cas’ hands to get his attention back. "So you know more than one language and you’re a charmer, you could totally find a job with those skills."

Cas smiled gently, almost as if he only did it to please Dean and Dean didn’t like the feeling. "If you say so, Dean."

Yeah, completely only to appease Dean and while Dean didn’t like it at all he decided to overlook it at the moment. "I do say so, but only if you want to. What do you say, Cas? Would you want to be mine?"

Cas honestly looked like he was about to cry. He ducked his head again and Dean was grateful for it. He moved closer to Cas, wanting to hug and kiss him so bad but still waiting for the permission.

"I do." Cas rasped after an agonizingly long moment, his chin still tucked to his chest. "I want you more than anything else, Dean, but what right do I have? I’m just me and you—"

"Don’t fucking say you’re not good enough, Cas." Dean grumbled and that made Cas looked up. Fuck, his eyes shone with unshed tears. "I’d rather have you, drug addiction or not, do you understand?"

Cas blinked and a few stray tears fell down his cheeks but he wasn’t really crying. He just tilted his head and regarded Dean for a long moment, almost as if he was searching Dean’s soul for the truth. Well, let him look. Dean had nothing to hide anymore and to tell the truth it felt fucking liberating.

Felt even better when Cas smiled widely and leaned in, cupping Dean’s cheek in his warm hand, and brushed their lips together. Dean gave a full-body shudder at the sensation.

"Dean."

"Yes, Cas."

"_My_ Dean."

Dean fucking whimpered when Cas pressed closer and he wasn’t even sorry. "Yes, Cas."

"My beautiful man." Cas had one hand around Dean’s neck now, the other steadying against Dean’s heaving chest. "My redemption, my absolution."

"Fuck." Dean gasped and Cas climbed on to straddle Dean’s lap. He grasped desperately at Cas’ lithe body and Cas pressed close, much closer than a mere hug. Dean’s hands fisted against Cas’ bare back.

"моя любовь." Cas rumbled and grabbed Dean’s hair to pull his head back and claim his lips in the most possessive kiss Dean have ever received.

Dean kissed back, giving as good as he got, and tried with that kiss to make Cas understand everything; to really see him. And Cas did, fucking hell did he ever.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean felt skittish where he sat between Cas and Jess, enjoying yet another family dinner at the Winchesters’. Honestly, he loved his family and he loved these dinners but he and Cas had made a monumental decision _just last night_ and he would rather have spent the day alone with Cas. Maybe driven up to the beach house.

But here he was, leg jittering with unexplainable anxiousness and even John was looking funnily at him. Jess, Sam and John were discussing the game, Cas and Mary were discussing the dinner. Cas loved cooking, or he at least loved cooking for Dean and Cas knew that Dean loved Mary’s food. He was trying to get a hang of the recipe for this pot roast and Dean’s chest felt tight when he thought about it. Thought about how Cas believed he had nothing to offer Dean. And it felt even tighter when he thought about how he now had a lifetime to prove the man wrong.

Cas had said he would go to Crowley’s office maybe tomorrow but definitely on Tuesday because that marked two weeks and Cas was punctual. He would go in there and he would quit and he had assured Dean that he should go alone and that it would be fine. Crowley would be mad but he wouldn’t do anything, Cas was sure. Dean was not. But he trusted Cas and he didn’t want the man to think he didn’t believe Cas could handle himself.

So here he fucking was, needing this dinner to be over so he could take his Cas to _their_ home and just breathe in the man’s comforting presence as he waited for Monday or maybe Tuesday to come.

" Dean, calm the fuck down."

Dean jerked at John’s harsh tone but realized he had probably been kneeing the table with how hard his leg jittered.

"Sorry." He mumbled but stopped only when Cas put a hand on his knee under the table.

"Language, John." Mary sighed but John just squinted at Cas and Dean.

"So," he said and Dean knew this could never be good. Cas had already turned back to Mary to ask her about the sauce. Mary smiled with her whole face as she talked Cas through the process and Dean loved the sight.

"So, what?" Dean asked and could practically feel Sam and Jess watching them.

"How’s everything going with Cas’ job? Any closer to getting his feet back on the ground?"

Dean narrowed his eyes angrily. He knew Cas had heard because how the fuck could he not with John sitting diagonally across from him but he had ignored the man in favor of talking to Mary. Or maybe because he didn’t like the way John had spoken as if he wasn’t in the room. Dean wouldn’t blame him if that was the case because it sure got his own blood boiling.

"Are you asking if Cas is planning to move out anytime soon?" Dean fisted his fork when John made a noncommittal grunt. "Because he isn’t."

"I told you that rent was too high to manage alone." John sighed but Dean snorted at him.

"I can manage it."

"Obviously not, Dean." John said in what was obviously trying to be a fatherly tone but that only translated as condescending to Dean. "You’re almost thirty and still in need of a roommate to make rent."

"Cas’ not my roommate." Dean was acutely aware of the fact that _all_ other conversations had stopped and that the rest of the table was watching the two of them. Including a pair of almost ridiculously blue eyes.

" No? That’s what Ellen told Mary."

Dean snorted again; trust Jo to blab to her mother. "Cas told Jo that he’s my roommate because he didn’t know what else to say. I can’t help it if gossip travels." His leg was jittering again and his body thrummed with… with _something_. He felt stifled and his hand sought Cas’ underneath the table. And Cas was there, would always be there for Dean.

" So he’s _not_ your roommate?" John said with a sigh and a frown.

" No, he’s my boyfriend." Dean watched as Cas’ hand stilled with the fork half-way to his mouth, John’s mouth dropped open, Sam swallowed his drink wrong, Jess turned to stare at them and Mary gasped. Dean felt fucking on fire. He brought up his and Cas’ joined hands and put them on the table and felt even better when Cas didn’t let go. "I mean," he turned to Cas. "I’m sorry I brought this up now and please don’t leave me for it but what do you think? Can what we agreed last night mean that we’re boyfriends? Even though I hate that fucking word." He grinned to lighten the mood but he felt sweaty and very aware of everyone’s stares. The only eyes that mattered were meeting his, though, and they shone as Cas smiled back.

"Of course, Dean." Cas said in a low voice that was far too intimate for the dinner table but that made Dean grin wider.

"What, so you’re a faggot now?"

Fucking hell, Dean had never seen Cas angry and he was glad for it. Cas’ eyes turned a steely blue and he turned slowly to John. Sam was also looking at their dad, seemingly indecisive whether to throttle him or just reprimand him. Mary was just looking flabbergasted and Jess’ mouth was a thin line.

"Excuse me?" Cas demanded in a hard voice and much to everyone’s surprise John’s eyebrows shot to the roof and he held up his hands defensively.

"Sorry, I meant homosexual."

Cas narrowed his eyes, suspicious of John’s tone, but Dean knew to take it for the apology John couldn’t say. He laughed to lighten the mood and was glad when he heard that it sounded genuine. Felt genuine too.

"I dunno exactly. Think I might be Cas-sexual, though."

"Gross, Dean." Sam snorted and Dean secretly agreed because that had sounded cheesy as hell. Goddamn, he had it bad if he was willing to make such a fool of himself. Still, he was grateful that Sam had decided to intervene. "But you might be on to something; you weren’t really interested in any of the guys in Caliente."

John turned to Sam as Dean nodded and Cas looked curiously at him. "You knew?" John said accusingly and Sam shrugged like it was no big deal.

"Didn’t know they were a couple, but yeah." He suddenly raised his glass in the most inappropriately placed toast ever. "Congrats."

Dean rolled his eyes but before he could say anything he felt Jess hug him from the side. "Good for you, you guys." She said with her face against Dean’s neck and he chuckled as he hugged her back.

Mary reached out and clasped Cas’ unoccupied hand in hers. "Oh, honey." She said with warm eyes, squeezing Cas’ hand as she met Dean’s eyes and he didn’t tear up, he _didn’t_.

" Well," John huffed and took a swig of his beer. "At least this one can’t cheat you out of a kid."

Dean sighed but smiled when Cas bristled by his side. John might be a little hard on his sons and maybe didn’t appear as the most loving father but Dean knew he loved them. And he also knew that this was about as good as it was going to get and it was honestly better than he had hoped for.

Just because he could, he brought their combined hands to his lips and kissed Cas’ fingers lightly. Cas ducked his head with a smile as the women cooed and the other men sighed and yeah, this felt really fucking great, actually.

It wasn’t until they got home that he started feeling nervous. Because what the actual fuck? What had he done? He had come out to him entire family _and_ put Cas on the spot. What the hell had Cas been supposed to say when asked if they should be a couple? No?

He stood in his — their — bedroom, half-finished with changing into comfier clothes when it hit him. All insecurities and doubts, all at the same time. Let it not be said that Dean didn’t know how to produce angst.

He jumped when he felt hands on his unclothed shoulders but when he turned he saw that it was only Cas. His Cas. Looking concerned.

"Hi." He managed with a shaky smile but of course Cas wouldn’t be fooled.

"Dean?" his brow furrowed. "What’s wrong?"

"Nothing."

Cas squinted at him and Dean couldn’t blame him. That one word had come out much faster than he had intended. "Do I have to ask you your color?" Cas said sternly and Dean sighed.

"I’m just anxious that you agreed to be my boyfriend because we were sitting with my family." He turned and tossed his shirt on the bed. "And now I just sounded like the biggest girl in the world, great." He muttered and started unbuttoning his jeans to roughly pull them down.

"Dean." Cas said imploringly but when Dean turned to him he just grabbed Dean by his hips and pulled him into a heated kiss.

Yes, this was good. Dean was always much better at expressing himself with his body than his words. Cas cupped Dean’s jaw and turned them so he could deepen the kiss, nipping at Dean’s lower lip as he pulled away. Dean would never know how but Cas’ kisses always took his breath away.

"Fuck." He mumbled and leaned in to lick Cas’ lips once just for the taste.

"We good?" Cas murmured and Dean let his hands travel up and down Cas’ back.

"Yeah."

"I swear," Cas chuckled and Dean hugged him close to feel the vibrations. "I’ll never know how someone so beautiful can be so insecure."

"‘M not sure physical appearance has everything to do with self-confidence." Dean mumbled against Cas’ shoulder and Cas tucked his chin on Dean’s head and stroked Dean’s hair.

"I was talking about your soul, Dean Winchester."

Dean straightened to look Cas in the eyes. "What?"

Cas cupped Dean’s face again. "I wish you could see what I see when I look at you." He said softly and Dean’s heart hammered in his chest. It was too much, the way Cas was pinning him with his eyes and yet it was everything Dean needed. And then Cas smiled as if he knew that this was getting well past Dean’s comfort level where emotions were concerned. "But I guess you’re rather sexy as well. I _do_ find it hard to keep my hands to myself when I’m around you. I’m glad you told your parents so I’ll be able to touch you more in public."

Dean shuddered at the mere notion and he pressed Cas closer again, needing to feel the man. Fuck, Cas was everything to Dean and he couldn’t hold back anymore, didn’t want to and didn’t have to. Cas was his now.

He bent down to capture Cas’ lips again and this kiss was more about the heat and less about trying to convey an emotion. He had gotten his answer, twice, and now he needed something else.

Cas moaned and Dean swallowed it greedily as he let his hands travel down to knead Cas’ tight ass. Fuck, Cas was wearing too much clothes and Dean wasted no time divesting him of some of them. Cas’ body felt great against his and when their bare chests met he moaned too.

"Fuck, Cas, I need you." Dean groaned and Cas rumbled in agreement, his clever fingers working over Dean’s body as if he was a fine instrument that only Cas knew how to play.

Cas’ touches left goosebumps in their wake and Dean was soon arching against the man, their rapidly filling dicks pressing together pleasantly. Cas was still in his jeans but when Dean bucked hard against him he put a hand on Dean’s hip to steady him while the other hand flicked his jeans open so he could pull them down. And then suddenly there were only boxers between them and Dean needed so much.

"You feel so good, Dean." Cas breathed against Dean’s neck and Dean craned his head back to give access. Dean whined and rolled his hips harder when Cas bit down.

"Cas, I have to—I _need_ you, please. Fucking please."

Cas’ hips stuttered and Dean’s fingers dug into the meat of Cas’ ass cheeks. "You sound so pretty when you beg for me, Dean." He licked a long stripe up the column on Dean’s taut neck. "What is it you want? Tell me."

Dean’s face was flushed and it wasn’t only from arousal. He had thought about this a lot but it was difficult to voice. "I wanna suck you."

Cas breathed sharply in through his nose and Dean knew he had said something right; knew because that was one of Cas’ tells. Knew that Cas was seriously aroused now.

"Is that so?" Cas asked but his tone was dangerously low. So gravelly that Dean’s knees buckled. "You want to put that pretty mouth on my cock?"

Dean whimpered and wasn’t even sorry. Was just so goddamn aroused he couldn’t breathe right. "Have heard all my life I have cocksucker lips." He murmured and felt how Cas’ dick jumped against him.

"Cupid’s bow lips." Cas corrected but his hand was fisting in Dean’s hair even as Dean was slowly sinking to his knees in front of Cas.

"That’s what they look like." Dean stated in a husky voice and stared at the impressive hard-on Cas sported. For Dean and Dean alone. "Not what they can do."

"Oh yeah?" Cas rumbled and palmed his dick through his boxers. "You gonna show me what you can do, big boy?"

Dean gulped. He wanted to, had never wanted anything so badly before, but he had never done it. Cas was watching him with dark, heavily lidded eyes, though, and Dean thought that maybe there wasn’t anything he could do wrong. Cas wanted him and with his hard dick in Dean’s face that fact became truer than ever.

He put shaky hands on Cas’ hips and was glad that Cas didn’t ask him his color, that he trusted Dean to tell him anyway. He rubbed his thumbs in little circles and watched how Cas’ dick jumped and a wet spot formed at the head.

"Fuck." He whispered and wet his lips. "Get on the bed."

Cas grunted an agreement and went to sit down. Dean turned to the bedside table, actually impressed that he could stand and walk at all with his dick pressing so intently up against his hip.

He found the condoms easily enough and when he turned back Cas had taken the liberty of removing his underwear and was lounging back on the bed. Dean’s mouth felt dry and wet at the same time.

Cas’ body was lithe and his pale skin stood in stark contrast to his almost black hair and very red dick. Red and hard dick, that drooled all over Cas’ stomach. It looked fucking delicious and Dean wanted to lick it all up. He had never, _ever_ , wanted to taste spunk before, not even his own. But he found in this moment that he had never wished for them to do this without condoms as much as he wished it right now.

"God, Cas." He mumbled and all but fell on his knees between Cas’ open legs.

"See something you like, Dean?" Cas asked in his husky voice and Dean couldn’t hold back a moan as he bent down to mouth at Cas’ inner thigh.

He opened one of the condom packages and pulled out his dick to roll the condom down on himself, uncertain he would be able to hold it when this started.

He brought the other rubber ring up to hover above Cas’ straining dick. "I wanted to taste you." Dean mumbled and watched Cas’ pupils dilate to an almost comical size. "This will do for now but you’re getting tested later."

"Yes, Dean." Cas agreed in a gasp as Dean rolled the rubber down. "After Tuesday."

Dean nodded and couldn’t resist bending down and get his tongue against Cas’ tight balls. Cas’ hips jerked at the contact and he groaned deeply, fisting the sheets.

Cas tasted slightly sweaty and earthy and Dean couldn’t get enough of the feeling of Cas’ balls against his tongue and lips. He jerked Cas’ dick lazily as he continued to lap at the tight skin, feeling out every wrinkle, and when he sucked one of the balls into his mouth Cas wailed almost helplessly and he felt Cas’ dick jump.

Dean liked having his balls played with alright but it seemed Cas liked it more and Dean was so proud to have figured that out on his own that he momentarily forgot his own needy erection hanging heavily between his legs.

He continued jerking Cas off as he licked his balls and the taint underneath but he didn’t stray further down than that. If Cas’ hips were anything to go by he clearly wanted Dean too but Dean wasn’t sure he was ready for that just yet and he was glad that Cas didn’t pressure him. The man was, however, getting more and more desperate.

"Please, Dean." He croaked eventually and Dean put the hand he had used to push Cas’ leg up on his own dick, squeezing hard. "Please suck me, I need your mouth, _please_."

 _Fuck._ If this was how Cas felt when Dean begged then he knew why the man liked it so much.

He groaned in response and sat up on his knees, pulling Cas closer even as he lowered his head to swallow Cas down. He was instantly struck with very conflicting emotions. One, he _hated_ the rubber. Two, he fucking loved the weight of Cas’ dick.

Cas’ hips bucked abortively and Dean realized that he was trying not to fuck Dean’s face. That thought made Dean groan deeply and he sucked further down, relaxing his throat to take more of Cas than he would have thought himself capable of. Cas gasped and his hands flew to Dean’s head and shoulders. Maybe to stop him, maybe to make him go deeper, Dean didn’t know but either thought was hot enough for him to put his hand back on his own dick and start stroking for real.

Yeah, with Cas all fat in his mouth, stretching his lips like this, he didn’t really stand a chance to last much longer. Cas was moaning and babbling almost incoherently. Words of praise, breathless pleads, words in Russian Dean didn’t understand but that he for some reason were starting to find hot.

He stripped his dick faster and sucked on Cas harder, hollowing his cheeks and slithering his tongue like he knew he liked himself. Cas was a rod of velvety steel, even with the rubber there, and Dean wished desperately he could have tasted Cas’ dick for real. He wanted, God help him, he wanted Cas to come in his mouth so he could swallow it.

"Dean." Cas growled and Dean felt his dick expand. "I can’t hold it any longer. I want to—fuck you feel so good—want to feel you forever but I can’t anymore."

Dean groaned helplessly and sunk deeper down. Cas bumped the back of his throat and Dean swallowed on mere reflex, gagging around the fat head of Cas’ dick but the sound Cas made shot straight to Dean’s dick.

And suddenly he was there, tipping over the edge, with Cas still making that choked off sound and his dick still being swallowed by Dean and Dean couldn’t hold it. Could only shake uncontrollably and sink even further down Cas’ dick as his throat muscles relaxed with his orgasm shooting out of him.

"Dean!" Cas screamed and Dean wished he hadn’t come first because he was almost too lax to feel Cas’ dick as it jumped in his hot mouth.

Cas’ dick kept pumping for a long while and he was curled up around Dean’s head, his hands tangled in Dean’s sweaty hair and Dean fucking loved it. Loved being locked in position as Cas’ body used him. He only wished he could have been able to taste it. Saliva was running down his chin to mingle with the sweat on Cas’ body and Dean wished that Cas’ come could have run down with it. Fuck, he wanted it all in that moment. Wanted Cas to shoot inside his mouth, his ass, on his face, on his whole body. God, he felt like such a slut and he loved it.

"Fuck." Cas gasped after a long moment spent in silence and shakily unrolled himself.

Dean detached but only very barely, still mouthing at Cas’ softening dick. "You sound awesome when you come." He murmured, his voice much hoarser than he would have believed.

Cas laughed breathlessly and petted Dean’s head lazily. "It’s because you’re awesome."

"Yeah." Dean smirked against Cas’ pelvis, his hands on the man’s hips, face half-buried against his dick and balls. "I fucking am."

Cas laughed again and Dean wanted to hear that sound forever. He smirked wider, knowing that he probably would.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> моя любовь = My love


	12. The rest of my life

  
  


Castiel sipped the coffee from his to-go Starbucks cup as he waited outside Crowley’s office. He was nervous and determined at the same time and it felt exhilarating.

"Glad you’re back, Clarence." Meg called from her desk a little ways down the waiting area. He made a grunt in response. "No, really." She got up and walked over, her headset askew on her head. "We were worried about you, and customers have been asking."

Castiel snorted and took another sip. "You mean you betted on my life and Crowley’s losing money."

She shrugged. "It was Ruby who suggested the bet."

"Glad it worked out for you."

She smiled wickedly. "I missed you."

"Well," Castiel said and stood up when the buzzer indicated that Crowley was ready for him. "Don’t get used to having me around."

He left her with that, ignoring her questions, and walked into Crowley’s office with as much confidence as he could muster. He had to keep reminding himself that he had nothing to fear now, that Crowley couldn't take anything away from him that he hadn’t already taken. That Dean would still be there when Castiel got back.

"So, Castiel." Crowley said and frowned slightly when Castiel sat down uninvited. "Come crawling back, have we?"

Castiel pursed his lips. "I believe it was you who told me to come back in two weeks."

Crowley’s eyes narrowed. "I did." He didn’t like snark, Castiel knew and took perverse satisfaction in the situation. "So, are you healed? I don’t need a broken hole."

"I’m healed."

"Really?" Crowley leaned his elbows against the desk. "Prepared to show me?"

Castiel huffed a long-suffering sigh and placed his Starbucks cup on Crowley’s impeccable desk. That got his attention alright. "I don’t have to. I didn’t come here to get reinstated."

"No." Crowley agreed slowly. "You came here to _ask_ my permission to come back."

" No."

"No?"

Castiel leaned back and crossed his legs, placing his hands in his lap. He had to remind himself to keep calm because he didn’t want to make a scene. Going out on a high note, this time. He thought of Dean’s smile and felt better.

"I came here to hand in my resignation, as it were. Or, since I’ve already paid off my debt and we have no official contracts, I just thought I’d come in here out of the kindness of my heart. Just so you wouldn’t come looking for me."

Crowley was red in the face by the time Castiel ended his little tirade and he started getting a little nervous again. Crowley had always said he wouldn’t come after them if they left him but he had after all never said anything about not _stopping_ them from leaving.

" Is that so?" Crowley bit out and Castiel almost wanted to offer him some of his coffee but thought it would only infuriate him more. "And where, pray tell, do you intend to go instead?"

"Don’t worry." Castiel said as calmly as he could. "I’m not switching to another company, I’m quitting altogether."

Crowley blinked at him for a moment and then burst out laughing as if that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard and maybe it was.

"And what-what are you gonna do instead?" Crowley pressed out between laughs. "Start _working_?"

Castiel thought about that for a moment, about how love didn’t put food on the table, but then he thought about Dean’s infinitely green eyes and resolutely pressed his lips together.

"That will be my problem."

"It will." Crowley agreed wholeheartedly and Castiel didn't think he had ever seen the man smile so much without money being involved. "But this is good, you had me worried there for a moment. This I can work with, though. You’ll be back soon enough, Cassie."

Castiel shook his head. "I really won’t, Fergus. I’m done."

Crowley snorted and straightened out his tie. "And what will you do instead? You know nothing else."

"I hardly think that’s any of your business."

Okay, that got Crowley mad again. God, the man really had to watch his mood swings, Castiel thought tiredly.

"Don’t forget it was I who saved you from Lilith, love."

It was Castiel’s turn to snort. "You _bought_ me, _after_ I seduced you."

" And a poor job you did of that, if I might add."

Castiel shrugged, still remembering the stinging comments from back then. "Got your attention anyway. Now, are you accepting my resignation or not? You always claim to be the most honest of the dishonest, are you going to let me leave without hounding me like you always claim?"

Crowley was back to being red in the face, obviously not used to being talked to like this by his employees and Castiel wad frankly a little impressed with himself. He had spent so much time being afraid of this man but with Dean’s support Castiel was starting to realize that Fergus Crowley was just a petty little man.

"What happened to you, Cassie?" Crowley grumbled. "You used to be so wonderfully subjugated, it’s like you’re a whole different person."

"I got me some free will." Castiel stated dryly and had to keep thinking about Dean not to freak out because Crowley was right. He had been subjugated by this man and he still was, in many ways.

"It doesn’t suit you." Crowley muttered and leaned back in his chair.

"Just answer my question, please." He placed both feet on the floor when Crowley remained silent and leaned forwards. "Please remember that I didn’t really need to come in here, I did it for closure."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "You did it to make sure I wouldn’t send Azael after you but you don’t have to flatter yourself."

"Good."

"Just remember, Cassie." Crowley growled and pinned Castiel to the chair with his gaze. "You leave and there’s no coming back. I told you not to sleep here during these past two weeks and you haven’t but don’t think I haven’t noticed you slinking back in here to visit your friends or to buy your pills." He slammed a hand down on the desk so suddenly that Castiel jumped despite himself. "_Don’t_ try that again. I will have my eyes out for you and you so much as step foot on this street and I will do away with you. No reason for you to come here anymore if you stop working for me, is there?"

Castiel gulped and cringed internally with how loud it sounded. Never being able to meet Balthazar again? Gabe? That sounded like a whole other kind of nightmare but Castiel supposed that he could meet them someplace else in the city during their days off, even if it would be inconvenient. Especially considering that despite how much he loved them he still didn’t want them to know where Dean’s apartment was.

But all that was workable, what wasn’t was being cut off from Alastair. Sure, Castiel had decided that if this thing with Dean was going to work he would eventually have to stop with the pills but he hadn’t thought he would be forced into it. He needed to do it in his own time. He would have to go down to Alastair before he left and buy a big enough supply with the last of Dean’s money.

"I understand." He said after a moment spent in contemplation and Crowley squinted angrily at him.

"Do you? Consider what you’re giving up. Is what you gain really worth it?"

Castiel rose and prepared to leave, unable to take this and not break down. His hands were shaking and he was in dire need of his pills and Dean’s embrace.

He drew himself up to his full height. "Yes, it is, please stop trying to cajole me. You may be the king of whores, Fergus, but you’re not my king. Not anymore. Your words cannot hurt me now."

"A whore is a whore is a whore, _Castiel_!" Crowley shouted after him when Castiel made a hasty retreat.

And maybe he was right and Castiel would never amount to anything else than a hole for people to use but at least he had done this for himself; had taken this stand here today and chosen for himself for once. And that, he thought as he heard his forgotten Starbucks cup hit the closed door behind him, made it worth the hardships.

That, and the smile Dean gave him that evening as he recounted the conversation and events, made him feel worthy of being called a human.

  
  


*****

  
  


The days that followed were the best days of Dean’s life so far. Before he had been uncertain of how much he should appreciate Cas’ presence, afraid that the man would just up and leave when his time came but now, now that Cas had quit his job _for Dean_ , now Dean could allow himself to actually enjoy the happiness. And enjoy it he did.

He walked around in a perpetual state of goofiness even to the point where Cas questioned what the smile was about. That he didn’t understand how his mere presence could make Dean so happy was baffling for Dean.

And even more baffling was the fact that his presence obviously did the same to Cas. The man was a steady rock for Dean and to know every day that Cas would be home when his workday ended made his days easier. As if he finally had a purpose for working, or even existing. That he made Cas feel the same was almost inconceivable to Dean.

Yes, Dean was so happy it was almost uncanny. So much so that he actually smiled pleasantly when he and Cas ran into a highly pregnant Lisa with Benny by her side in the grocery store.

"Lisa?" Dean said, almost exclaimed, when their carts all but crashed around the corner in aisle eight, soups.

"Dean?" She said, just as surprised.

"I didn’t even know you shopped here." Dean said and without thinking about it he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, giving her a little hug.

"We don’t, usually." Benny answered and stared at Dean.

Dean harrumphed, realizing what he had done and feeling rather proud, actually. Last time he had seen Lisa he had been a wreck but now, with Cas by his side, it didn’t feel like such a big deal.

"Oh, where are my manners." Dean grinned and turned to Cas. "This is Lisa Braeden." He waved at her. "The woman who tried to trick me into fatherhood and this is Benny Lafitte, my former best friend whom I have fifty bucks betted on being the one who knocked her up in the first place."

"Ah." Cas said as Lisa and Benny stared angrily at Dean. "You mean the shrew and the traitor? How very nice to make your acquaintance." He didn’t extend his hand for shaking.

Dean put a hand on the small of Cas’ back. "And guys? This is Castiel, my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Lisa exclaimed, voice laced with disbelief.

"That’s right, Ms. Braeden." Cas said and straightened. "Your foul behavior turned this man away from not only you but your whole gender, you must be proud. I am very thankful, though, make no mistake." He turned to Dean and lowered his voice. "I’ll go ahead to the dairies." He left with that, nodding courtly at Benny as he walked off confidently.

Dean stared after him, feeling ridiculously lucky.

"Well," Lisa huffed after a stunned moment. "_Obviously_ he’s some kind of rebound."

Dean dragged his eyes over to her and she actually took a step back. "You’re lucky you’re a woman, and pregnant." He bit out. She stared wide-eyed at him for a moment and then looked to Benny for support. Benny didn’t meet her gaze, though, just kept peering at Dean.

"Never knew you batted for the other team, brother." He said after a moment and Dean shrugged casually.

"You heard Cas, I’ve just recently discovered the pleasures of being with a man instead of a manipulative shrew of a woman."

Lisa made a very affronted noise but both men ignored her. Benny actually outright laughed and Dean got a pang of sadness when he remembered all the good times he had had with this man and he realized that he missed his best friend more than he thought. He was very glad in that moment that he had taken the time to clear the air with Jo.

"Just never pictured you as a pillow biter."

"I’ll be anything Cas needs me to be." Dean grinned widely and turned to walk away. "Anyway, it was good seeing you. And," he met Benny’s eyes but gestured to Lisa. "Good luck with that, mate, you’re gonna need it."

He walked off with that, his steps feeling lighter than air. It had been good seeing Benny and Lisa together, getting his suspicions confirmed and also to see that even though he missed Benny’s company he was no longer affected by Lisa or her big belly. No, he had Cas now and he was content with that.

He stopped at the end of the dairy aisle when he spotted Cas further down. Cas was studying the yoghurts and Dean couldn’t help just looking for a moment, reveling in the fact that this man was his and his alone. Cas had decided on his own that he wanted Dean, and no one else. Had decided that Dean was worthy of his attention, and that fact made Dean swell with pride. He wanted to give Cas the world and he got sad when he saw that Cas’ fingers skimmed over the good yoghurt, the one with the actual pieces of fruit it in, only to land on the cheaper version with the artificial flavors. Cas’ face showed no emotion but the action tore at Dean’s heart anyway.

He walked briskly up to Cas and put his arms around the man from behind, leaning in to sniff his hair.

"Dean." Cas said and Dean could practically hear his smile. He put the yoghurt in the cart and put his hands on Dean’s.

"I missed you." Dean mumbled against his head and Cas chuckled, running his hands along Dean’s arms.

"Are you okay?"

Okay meeting Lisa, Dean presumed. Okay seeing Benny with her. Okay like he hadn’t been before.

"I am now."

Cas didn’t say anything but Dean still heard that smile and it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

  
  


*****

  
  


It wasn’t until a week after Cas’ resignation, to the date, that shit kind of hit the fan. Dean came home in a good mood as per usual nowadays and it wasn’t that he expected Cas to be sitting there with dinner ready like a little housewife, it was just that he had, as it were, been sitting there every day up until now. And this Tuesday wasn’t that much different except when Dean opened the door he was met with a distinct smell of smoke and burned meat and not the mouthwatering scent he had longed for.

"Cas?" he called and hurried down the hall to the kitchen. What met him there was the sight of smoke billowing out of the oven and Cas sitting at the table, staring with unseeing eyes at his phone. "Cas, what’s going on?" Dean asked worriedly and managed about two steps to the oven before the automatic fire alarm went off.

Cursing, Dean threw himself at the oven and turned it off before taking a deep breath and opening it. Smoke assaulted him and he coughed as he reached in a gloved hand and pulled out the blackened piece of meat. He threw it in the sink and doused it with water before opening the window and getting a chair to climb up and remove the fire alarm. He fiddled with it, his eyes tearing both because of the smoke and the insistent beeping, and finally managed to remove the batteries.

He put the alarm down on the table and sighed loudly, pulling even more smoke into his lungs. He coughed again and only then noticed that Cas hadn’t made a sound or moved during this whole ordeal. He wasn’t even sure the man was breathing.

"Cas?" he asked again and put a hand on the man’s shoulder. "What the hell happened? You could’ve burnt the house down."

Cas finally turned his head up when Dean shook him slightly and the sight of his teary blue eyes made Dean lose his breath more effectively than the smoke had.

"I’m sorry." Cas said in a small voice and Dean didn’t know what to do.

He sank down to crouch beside Cas, putting his hand on Cas’ thigh. "Tell me what’s wrong, baby." He said softly and to his horror Cas’ tears spilled over. His brilliantly blue eyes sparkled with it and Dean’s heart throbbed painfully.

"Michael OD’d, he’s _dead_." Cas sobbed and suddenly Dean had his arms full of a shaking Cas.

They tumbled down on the floor and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas as the man snuggled up in the V of Dean’s legs, pressing his face into Dean’s chest and crying uncontrollably.

Dean was at a loss. He thought he maybe remembered Michael as being one of Cas’ old colleagues and probably his friend too but it was hard for Dean to remember the names of all the faceless people Cas hardly ever spoke about. Nonetheless he realized that this upset his Cas very much and he felt powerless to help in this situation.

He stroked Cas’ back and kissed him on the head, cooing wordlessly and rocking them slightly, just like Mary had done for him when he had been little and hurting. He wished his mother could be there now, or at least Sam. Dean was awful at comforting people. But this was Cas and Dean wanted to do everything he could to make this better. Problem was he was more of a practical guy so this was way out of his league.

But Cas eventually calmed down, though he didn’t move and Dean let them sit there even though his back was starting to protest.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked after several long moments spent in such quiet that he started wondering if Cas had fallen asleep.

"I’m sorry I almost burnt down your home." Cas mumbled, his face still smashed against Dean’s chest. "And got snot all over your tee."

Dean chuckled and took a grip on Cas, pulling the man closer. "_Our_ home, Cas." He corrected gently. " And I happen to like your bodily fluids. Now tell me what’s going on." He leaned down to nose at Cas’ hair. "Please."

Cas sighed shakily. "Michael was like a big brother." He mumbled and clenched Dean’s tee in his fist. "He was the one who found me after Walker cut me up and he… I dunno, Balthazar has been my best friend but Michael was a steady presence. The one we could all lean on and now he…" he drew another shaky breath and Dean hugged him tighter. "Balth said they didn’t know what had happened. They think it was an accident but either way Anna found him and—and God, _Anna_ found him."

Dean pressed his lips together when Cas started crying again. This was trying for Dean because he didn’t know these people and he wanted to give Cas all the support he needed but he couldn’t relate. The only one he knew that had died had been old grandpa Campbell and he had been, well, old. To die like this, from some kind of drug overdose? Dean didn’t know how to even being to wrap his head around that.

But while he couldn’t be sad for that faceless name he could be sad that Cas was sad and he could definitely be scared of the fact that if one man could accidentally OD then Cas could too. What would Dean do if he came home to find Cas on the kitchen floor, dead? Icy tendrils of fear seeped into his every crevice and he suddenly had a hard time breathing correctly himself, despite the smoke having cleared out by now.

"I’m gonna quit." Cas suddenly bit out and Dean was uncertain he had even heard it, it was so low.

"What?"

Cas sat up and stared resolutely at Dean, his blue eyes fierce enough to make Dean speechless. "I’m quitting drugs. I thought…" he looked down for a moment and then met Dean’s stunned eyes again, his brow furrowed. "I mean I told myself I was going to quit gradually now that I’m not welcome back at the complex and I _have_ been cutting down but it’s not enough." He leaned in and put a hand on Dean’s cheek, his thumb caressing the cheekbone. " I don’t want to end up like Michael, not when I have you. I’ll stop."

It was as if Cas had heard Dean’s terrified thoughts. Dean was at first afraid to say or do anything in case that would make Cas change his mind again but when Cas smiled shakily at him Dean couldn’t resist leaning in and kissing him. It started out gently but Cas soon climbed into Dean’s lap and snagged Dean’s hair in one hand to tilt his head back and deepen the kiss.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean groaned desperately, his hands roaming the man’s shuddering body. "I don’t care if you burn every dinner ever, I just want you with me."

"I’ll never leave you, Dean." Cas assured him in a firm tone and Dean thought that maybe Cas needed Dean to ground himself just as much as Dean needed him. "I just don’t want to be my fucked up self anymore. I don’t want to be a piss rat from Russia."

"Hey, hey." Dean pecked him on the lips and rubbed Cas’ hipbones with his thumbs. "It’s okay, baby. You’re fine just the way you are and you know what? Maybe you’re not even from Russia, huh? You don’t even look Russian. Maybe that’s just your first memory, that’s all."

Cas hummed in agreement but said nothing else, instead he leaned in and kissed Dean hungrily again and Dean let him, even though he wanted _so_ badly to ask Cas about his past. About where he had come from and why he had ended up here, doing what he had done. But now, as before, he felt nervous to ask so he just sat there, letting Cas use him for the comfort they both craved.

But he wanted to talk to Cas about the rehab options he had found, both the ones that were in their price range and the ones that weren’t. And if those weren’t a real option for them he thought he had heard that the Omega Alcohol and Drug Rehab up by Redwood Shores Parkway offered consultation for free. And maybe he could talk to Mary and see what the Sequoia Hospital where she worked could offer and if he had to, he would put Cas under his own insurance. Any way he could get Cas some help he would try it.

But while he wanted to talk about all that it seemed highly inappropriate at the time so Dean just submitted to Cas’ greedy kisses and vowed to bring this up on a later occasion. But soon, if Michael’s death was any indication of how fucking wrong it could go in no time at all. Very soon.

  
  


*****

  
  


"There must be more."

Balthazar took a drag of his cigarette and then tapped it against the edge of the ashtray as Gabriel tossed back the last of his coffee.

"More of what, love?" Balthazar asked distractedly.

Castiel looked around the people sitting around the three of them at La Tartine’s outdoor serving area. It was a sunny Sunday and there were a lot of families with children and families without. People with dogs walking by and people without. All of them living different lives and probably not even aware of each other. Castiel thought of Michael and of the extremely humble service they had had in his honor. Castiel wasn’t even certain Michael had been Catholic but the priest had done a great job anyway. No matter that they didn’t even have a body to bury when Crowley had been done with it and no matter that Castiel, due to his banishment, hadn’t been able to see Michael’s body before Crowley got his hands on it. The sermon had been beautiful anyway and Castiel liked to think there was a heaven and that Michael was in it now, watching over them.

"More to life." He said after a long while and Balthazar hummed in thought.

"You gonna eat that?" Gabriel pointed at Castiel’s forgotten piece of pie.

It was soggy now after so long in the sun and he didn’t even know why he had ordered it in the first place. Probably because it reminded him of Dean. He wished the man could have been there with them today.

He sighed and slid his plate over to Gabriel who happily dug in. "You know, we could do something together."

"Like what?" Balthazar asked and killed the last of his cigarette.

Castiel hummed in thought. "You’re good at cooking. And Gabe obviously loves pastries. I could learn to do the accounting and…"

"And Anna and Hanna could be waitresses and Luci could be a bouncer." Balthazar finished with a snorted laugh. "You wanna open up a restaurant with hookers?"

"You make it sound so impossible." Castiel sighed and leaned back.

Balthazar and Gabriel shared a look that Castiel didn't want to decipher and then looked at him with sympathetic eyes which Castiel just thought was inappropriate. He wasn’t the one hurting the most here, was he?

"Cassie," Gabriel said slowly, the pie nearly gone already. "We’re really glad you got to have your _Pretty Woman_ -life, we all are, but lightning don’t strike twice."

"I know but I…" he fiddled with his napkin. "It’s just I made it this far and got away clean, why can’t I want that for all of us?"

"You can." Balthazar stated. "But it won’t make it happen. Just look at Mikey, we can’t know when something like that’ll happen again. And Luci…" he shook his head and Castiel’s stomach clenched uncomfortably.

"How is Lucifer?"

"Not good." Gabriel swallowed the last piece of pie and put down the fork. "He hasn’t left his room in a while and I think Mike’s death took very hard. We’re actually surprised Crowley hasn’t thrown him out yet."

"Probably haven’t noticed the drop in interest." Castiel mumbled. "I suppose he thinks it’s because I left, probably the only good thing that came out of it for you. And I honestly think he’s a little scared of what Luci might do. I mean, I was the good little worker bee and I left him when he put me on suspension, just think of what Luci could do."

Balthazar nodded and leaned back to light a new cigarette, a habit Castiel had thought he had been done with but that apparently had resurfaced now. "I don’t think Luci’s doing much of anything lately, though."

"You know, people can live perfectly normal lives even with HIV." Castiel mumbled as he ripped his napkin in neat little squares.

"Nothing about us is normal, Cassie." Gabriel chided with a snort. "It’s a wonderful dream but a pipe dream nonetheless."

"I’ll do it, though. I could study and become something."

"Of course, love." Balthazar agreed and Castiel wanted very much for that to be true.

"And Dean’ll help me." He continued heatedly. "And his brother is really smart; I wish you could meet him. He would help me too, I know he would."

Balthazar and Gabriel both smiled at Castiel, one sadly and one proudly and it made Castiel gloomy. He sat back with a sigh.

"How are things with Dean?" Balthazar asked when it seemed like Castiel wouldn’t have the energy to bring up his dreams anymore.

Castiel ducked his head and smiled despite himself. "Good."

"Better than good, I’d reckon." Gabriel laughed heartily. "Any man that can make _you_ smile bashfully is better than good."

Castiel took a deep breath as Balthazar laughed as well, uncertain if it was smart to admit everything, especially given what had happened with Michael. "I’m quitting my pills."

Both his friends looked at him with just as much surprise and incredulousness as Castiel had expected.

"Because Dean wants you too?" Balthazar asked at the same time as Gabriel asked "Because Dean’s forcing you?"

Castiel shook his head to both questions. "Because I can’t bear to leave him, in any way."

"Shit, Cassie." Balthazar snuffed the last of his second cigarette butt. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." Awful.

"This is not a fucking game." Gabriel leaned in and gripped Castiel’s thin wrist. He was always too good at reading Castiel. "You don’t just quit."

Castiel made a grimace but didn’t pull back. "I know _that_. It’s hard as shit but I’m managing and Dean’s a great help too. He wanted to look into rehab—"

" So let him!"

"—but that’s too expensive. God, Gabe, do you think he’s a millionaire just because he has a normal job?"

Balthazar sighed as Gabriel sat back. "‘Course we don't think that." They were silent for a while and Castiel idly looked at the people around them again.

His heartbeat was elevated and his nervous fiddling was getting worse. He was sweating and in dire need of one of his pills but he refused. He had begun clocking himself to see how long he could last and he would push himself a little further every time. Just wished he would have taken a pill before Michael’s service today. That had been brutal.

"Too bad you can’t do you old job." Balthazar suddenly said in what Castiel clearly recognized as an attempt to make things lighter. "I mean, if you take away what Crowley cut off you’d be making twice as much as Dean on a normal day, if not more."

Castiel blinked at his friend and then actually burst out laughing. "Only you, Balth." He said, smiling broadly. "Only you would suggest something so inane."

Balthazar huffed in pretend hurt. "I actually think it sounded more like a Gabe-proposal but no matter, you know I have a point."

"Hey!" Gabriel spluttered but the other two ignored him.

"You do." Castiel agreed amusedly. "But even if I didn’t think Crowley would find me and skin me alive I wouldn’t do it. I actually enjoy belonging only to Dean."

"Must be nice to have your very own prince charming." Gabriel grumbled but he was smiling so Castiel just smiled back.

"Don’t be jealous, I’ll always love you anyway."

Balthazar sighed fondly. "We love you too, Cassie."

They parted soon after that, Castiel’s head still full of dreams for the future and Balthazar and Gabriel late to their dinner with Anna and Hanna at the complex. Balthazar and Castiel kissed goodbye as usual but for the first time in what felt like forever it was only a kiss on the cheek.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happiness for out favourite OTP? Well...  
> As MashiarasDream so wisely spotted, Crowley isn’t one to go back on his word but as so many of you have pointed out, and as this chapter brought up, Crowley isn’t Castiel’s only problem, is he? We shall see =D


	13. Save me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: shit --> fan again, also: drugs

  
  


Three weeks later Dean had found out a couple of interesting things. One, Cas was exceptionally hard-headed and while he had agreed to call the Omega Rehab consultation line he had only done so twice and then declared he could do this just as well on his own. Two, Cas cutting down on his drugs made him lethargic and a little subdued but since he still felt the itch he tried to scratch it with another addiction, namely sex. Lots and lots of sex. Now, Dean wasn’t saying he didn’t appreciate it; he was just worried that it wasn’t exactly helping. And to be quite honest he didn’t even know if Cas had been cutting down on his pills very significantly.

He had told Dean that he didn’t have access to his dealer anymore and would just use up the supply he had and then be done with it. And Dean believed him, just didn’t know if he did it in healthy doses. Like when Lisa’s aunt, who had been set on dieting, starved herself for two days before binge-eating the next. Except Dean wasn’t so sure binge-eating Swiss chocolate and cramming Amphetamine pills was even comparable. Dean could only hope Cas was okay because going cold turkey on drugs seemed extremely painful to Dean.

One of the perks of Cas’ sex addiction was that Dean got to explore a lot for himself. Sure, he had had a lot of sex before and while sex with Lisa had been pretty vanilla he had gotten his share of experience before he met her. With Cas, though, there was so much more to learn because even though Dean was a man himself he still didn’t know everything that made Cas tick and still didn’t known what he himself would like doing with Cas.

For example, Dean had gone to his doctor and gotten every test conceivable and when he had gotten home, wielding the negative test results like a proud young cock, Cas had grinned at him and proceeded with swallowing Dean’s actual cock. The first time Dean came in Cas’ mouth, unhindered by any rubber, the feeling of Cas’ throat muscles contracting made him scream. And the first time he came all over Cas’ pale stomach and Cas reached down to gather some of the come only to lick it off his fingers, Dean all but came again.

The first time he came in Cas’ ass and then proceeded to lap up the come as it dribbled out of Cas’ quivering hole Dean really did come again, humping the bed and moaning like a two-dollar whore while Cas hadn’t even screamed out his first orgasm.

So apparently he loved comeshots and apparently Cas loved that Dean loved that. Dean was in seventh heaven and thought the only thing that would make it better was if Cas tested clean as well because as much as he loved doing all this he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be on the receiving end. Dean was very aware that he by this time probably would have gotten infected if Cas wasn’t clean — and since Dean was clean then by extension he thought Cas was too — but Cas wanted to be certain and since he couldn’t go to a doctor to get tested without them finding out about his drug addiction he wasn’t too keen to do it.

"After I’m clean of the drugs." He had promised and Dean had agreed. Only wished it was now.

Either way Dean was happy. Every weekday he came home to either a home cooked meal or a man ready to be fucked — or to fuck him — and Dean didn’t know what was best. Especially since one didn’t always rule out the other. He could only hope that whatever Cas was doing to himself was working and that he was slowly getting rid of his addiction. Dean didn’t know anything about drug addiction but thought it sounded harder than Cas made it look. Still, he thought that maybe hearing about Michael’s death and maybe talking to the counselors and his friends at the complex helped steel his resolve. And Dean liked to think that maybe he had something to do with Cas’ good mood as well.

When Dean came home that Tuesday three weeks after Cas’ friend’s death he was not only met with the smell of Cas’ increasingly delicious food, he was also met with Cas standing in the hallway.

"Hey there." He said with a smile and placed his keys in the bowl Cas had put on the dresser for that purpose. "Were you waiting for me?"

"I was." Cas said leisurely and for some reason that made Dean’s heart flutter. "Do you know what day today is?"

Dean did but wasn’t prepared to admit that he did. He walked up to Cas and pulled him in for a short kiss. "What day is it?"

Cas stayed in Dean’s embrace, looking much too content to leave. "It’s three weeks since I decided to get clean." He leaned in and nuzzled Dean’s cheek. "It’s also one month since I quit my job and officially became yours."

"Oh, right." Dean grinned like a fool. "That’s right, one month of putting up with me, congrats to you."

Cas chuckled and put his hands on Dean’s hips, pressing his thumbs against the hipbones. "And congratulations to you."

Dean cleared his throat awkwardly. "You know, I _did_ remember, I actually got you something but I didn’t know if you wanted to acknowledge it so…"

Cas’ eyes shone brightly. "You got me a present?"

"It’s nothing much." Dean hastened to add and felt so goddamn embarrassed he didn’t know what to do with himself. Lisa had always hounded him to pay attention to anniversaries but he had always sucked at it. With Cas it was like he remembered automatically and it felt good, even if it made him embarrassed. He cleared his throat and reached into the pocket of his leather jacket to produce a little box with chocolate. It wasn’t even wrapped, he realized now much to his disdain. But it was at least the nice kind of chocolate from YOUNG’S down on Broadway.

Cas stared at the box, his eyes round and Dean got more and more embarrassed just holding it. Cas eventually accepted the box, though, and put it gingerly to his lips.

"Thank you, Dean." He said almost breathlessly and Dean scratched the back of his head.

"‘S nothing. I mean, I remembered you said you like their candy and who doesn’t like chocolate?" he cleared his throat again. "I had to hide it in my locker at work or the guys would never have let me live it down." He laughed nervously but stopped abruptly when Cas’ eyes landed on him again.

"I love it."

"Wait ‘til you taste it at least."

Cas put a strong hand on Dean’s neck and pulled him closer. "Stop joking as if this doesn’t mean anything, it means the world to me." Dean’s legs trembled and it was his turn to put his hands on Cas’ hips. He was glad he did, too, because the glint in Cas’ eyes suddenly turned deliciously wicked. "On that note I have a gift for you as well."

"You didn’t have to." Dean mumbled shyly and Cas nodded.

"I didn’t but I _wanted_ to. And to be perfectly honest it’s a gift for the both of us so I’m not completely unselfish. Come along."

He unwrapped himself from Dean and strolled into the kitchen. Dean followed curiously and as he had suspected from the mouthwatering scent wafting through the hallway he found the kitchen table stocked with food. It looked nicer than usual, with actual napkins and lit candles and Dean had always claimed to hate romance but fuck if he actually did. Especially when he thought about Cas bustling about making all this for them.

Cas had put the box with chocolates down on the counter and was leaning against it, smiling his crow’s feet smile at Dean. "Do you like it?"

Dean eyed the perfectly portioned homemade hamburgers and thought he should find a way to thank that Balthazar for his cookbook because apparently it inspired Cas to greatness.

"Very much." He mumbled and matched Cas’ smile.

"Good, but don’t get comfortable yet. I also have this for you." He brought his hands up and Dean choked on an incoming breath when he saw that Cas was holding up a pair of pink, satin panties. There was even a little bow on them and lace along the edges. "What do you think about _these_?" Cas asked and fuck, his voice had lowered several octaves.

Dean swallowed dryly. "Um… For-for you?" he asked, feeling so goddamn awkward he just wanted to shoot himself. He felt hot all over and wanted to remove his already too warm jacket but couldn’t really move when Cas tilted his head and put the panties down over his crotch, pulling them taut between his thumbs as if trying them on for size.

"For me?" he asked, _asked_ , and looked down at himself. "Would you like that?"

"Uh…" Dean didn’t know what the hell it was Cas expected him to say here. Except maybe the truth? Why else would he bring up these panties in such an intimate setting, his voice all gravelly like that and his pupils just shy of blowing out with lust? "Yeah." He answered but it sounded like a question to him. Cas only looked up and smirked, however.

"I’ll keep that in mind for later. But no. These," he walked up to Dean and stretched the sleek material over Dean’s crotch instead. "These are for _you_."

" Me?" Dean squeaked and started sweating even more. But fuck, his dick perked up so fast it hurt.

Cas tilted his head again and regarded the way the panties looked against Dean’s trembling body. "Yes." He said firmly, his eyes glowing. "You know, a little birdie told me that you once upon a time had tried on your girlfriend’s panties, and liked it." His eyes shot up to meet Dean’s round ones. "Was that information wrong?"

"Wh-who told you that?" Dean asked breathlessly, unable to confirm it out loud even though his dick was making it perfectly clear anyway.

Cas smiled pleasantly. "Let’s not talk about whose brother betrayed whose trust." He said with laughter in his voice and Dean opted to see what would happen before he decided whether to kill or thank Sam. Cas leaned in, their lips barely brushing. "Let’s talk about what we should do with this information."

"O-okay." Dean mumbled and wanted very badly for Cas to kiss him but the man danced out of reach as soon as Dean had agreed.

"Here’s what I want." Cas said in an almost business-like tone that shouldn’t make Dean harder but totally fucking did and Cas of course noticed. "I want you to drop your jeans and underwear here on the floor and change into these panties. And then I want you to pull your jeans back on and sit down at the table so we can have a nice anniversary dinner."

"What?" Dean pressed out because not only did that sound weird but it also sounded humiliating and why the fuck wasn’t his hard-on dying down?

Cas pursed his lips but could barely contain his serious composure. "Well, dinner and dessert. I made your favorite, Dean." He said pleasantly and Dean felt ridiculously hot. "I want us to eat the hamburgers before they get soggy and I want you to taste the pecan pie while it’s still relatively warm. And then," his lowered his voice and Dean could see Cas’ pupils dilate. "And then I want to take you to the bedroom and fuck you senseless while you wear your pretty panties for me."

"Holy shit." Dean croaked and had to grab one of the chairs for support. Thank you IKEA for building shit that was stable in a crisis.

Cas smacked his lips together and smirked devilishly. "I do realize, however, how this might be uncomfortable for you and I don’t want that. I want you hot and bothered but not uncomfortable. So tell me your color, Dean."

They hadn’t used the stoplights since they agreed they wouldn’t have to but Cas _had_ mentioned that they might do it again if they did something completely bananas and Dean supposed this could count as that. So he thought the colors over and compared them to Cas’ proposition. What Cas was suggesting sounded awfully humiliating but he had a hard time ignoring his dick’s interest in the idea. And was it really about humiliation with Cas? More like trust, Dean supposed and remembered all the other times submitting to Cas had paid off.

" Yellow." He eventually admitted but he held out his hand. "But I’ll try them on."

He watched with self-satisfaction how Cas’ nostrils flared in the telltale sign that the man was aroused. He gingerly handed the panties to Dean and yeah, Dean’s dick totally jumped when he got a good feel of the smooth fabric. Just imagining it against his dick made him all squirmy inside.

"I’m not changing in here." He grumbled out and could barely meet Cas’ eyes.

"Whatever you’re comfortable with, Dean." Cas said and turned around to busy himself with pulling beer from the fridge.

Dean was torn. He didn’t know if he wanted Cas to keep his demanding persona up or if he was grateful that he didn’t have to change into the panties while Cas watched. Was unsure if Cas watching would make it better or worse.

In any case he slipped out to the living room and quickly ripped off his jacket to throw it on the couch. His pulled his jeans and boxers down so fast he almost didn’t have time to kick off his boots first. His dick sprang free and he almost moaned at the relieving feeling. He listened closely to see if Cas had followed him anyway and realized that this was worse. If he had stayed in the kitchen he would have _known_ if he was being watched.

He snuck a quick peek over his shoulder and then bent down to put one foot in the hole of the panties. He felt ridiculous. But he also remembered the time Sam so conveniently had blabbed about and it was true that he hadn’t hated Rhonda’s panties but then again they had been cotton and more of a hipster cut. These… these were actual fucking satin panties and he was a grown fucking _man_ shoving his all too eager dick into them and very barely fitting.

The fabric stretched over his ass and was definitely taut over his springy dick. The head kept peeking over the edge and when he tried to force his dick to calm the fuck down it responded by leaking a fat drop of precome that of course made the panties stick to the head of Dean’s already heated dick.

He felt ridiculous and so goddamn turned on that he didn’t know how the fuck he would be able to sit through a whole dinner. Especially with Cas. Especially with Cas _knowing_ and _watching_. Fuck. 

Cas smiled when Dean wobbled back in and he gestured to the seat across from him where Dean could see his dinner plated. They always sat side by side when they ate normally but then again Dean guessed there was nothing normal about this situation. He smiled too, albeit a little more stunted, and sat down at the table.

"Good?" Cas asked and Dean nodded.

"Sure. Feels…" he shifted on the seat and felt the satin drag across his hard dick. "Different, but good."

"I’m glad. Please," Cas indicated the food. "Eat before it gets cold."

The dinner continued in a strangely normal fashion after that, considering Dean was sitting there rock-hard and trapped in a pair of panties. They talked about their respective days and even though the conversation was as fluent as usual Dean was still acutely aware of the panties. He couldn’t shift or they would drag, whenever he reached across the table he felt them pulling and he more than once gasped. It was strange, how doing almost nothing could still make him increasingly desperate. He needed to touch himself and he needed it yesterday.

Cas kept asking if Dean wanted seconds. More food? More beer? But Dean had eaten his fill quite quickly and was hungry for something else. Cas was just smirking, however, and for some reason him knowing about Dean’s trouble made Dean even harder.

He whimpered when their feet brushed together and he felt himself leak, not for the first time. "Cas." He said in a shaky voice and Cas looked up expectantly.

"What is it, Dean?" he asked as if he didn’t fucking know already. "Is your pie not good?"

Dean drew an uneven breath and looked down at the perfect slice Cas had cut for him when they were done with the burgers. It really looked delicious but Dean could hardly concentrate enough to pick up the spoon. Every movement felt like electricity and he wasn’t even sure he would be able to hold it much longer. Fuck, he would _never_ have guessed wearing panties like this would have this kind of effect on him.

" Cas, I need you." He said in a pitiful voice. "I can’t take it anymore."

Cas hummed thoughtfully and Dean couldn’t help it; he had to undulate his hips a little and he gasped again when the action created wonderful friction.

Suddenly Cas was standing right behind him and he put his hands on Dean’s shaking shoulders to lean down and whisper in Dean’s ear.

"Just take one bite, Dean." He rasped and Dean’s hand trembled when he searched blindly for the spoon. "That’s right, sweetie." Cas cooed and put one hand on Dean’s straining erection.

Dean moaned deeply and arched his back even as he bucked up against Cas’ hand. The pressure felt divine and he felt the barely contained fire in his spine flare bright white. He felt almost sucker punched with need and was impressed when he managed to get one spoon-full to his mouth without spilling.

"Good?" Cas asked as Dean continued to moan.

"S-so good." Dean gasped and fucking whined when Cas removed his hands.

"You’re so beautiful, Dean." Cas said in his whisky-voice and Dean caught him palming himself. "You’re always beautiful but like this, all flushed and desperate for me, it’s…" he closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose. "Let’s get you to the bedroom, shall we?"

While Dean was more than onboard for that his steps were somewhat stilted what with his dick trying to drill a hole in his jeans and all. Cas smirked at him where he walked before Dean on the way to their bedroom.

Dean was stumbling and breathing heavily by the time he entered the room. Cas was standing in the middle of it, undressing, and his lust-blown eyes landed on Dean as soon as he walked up to him.

"Strip." Cas commanded in the huskiest voice Dean had yet to hear. He complied so fast he almost ripped his shirt. "Leave the panties on and get on all fours on the bed."

He turned around before Dean had even gotten down to the too tight panties and Dean heard him rummage around in the drawer where they kept the lube and condoms. He swallowed hard and gingerly climbed on the bed.

This wasn’t a position that Cas normally enjoyed and Dean remembered Cas telling him that he wanted the people he fucked to see him. Dean, on the other hand, had no particular problem with this position except… except it kept his ass elevated and he felt naked and exposed on the bed, even with the panties on. Or maybe because of them. They stretched over his ass and dug in a little at his hips. The red head of his dick was poking out and maybe the edge of the panties should hurt where it dug in against his sensitive skin but fuck, it just made it better.

He almost embarrassed himself with whining before Cas turned back. Cas’ eyes were dark and heavily lidded and when his gaze landed on Dean’s quivering body he reached down to palm himself.

"So beautiful." He mumbled and quickly finished undressing down to his boxers. He put a hand on Dean’s side so that he was touching all the while he walked to Dean’s backside and climbed on the bed behind Dean’s ass.

Dean moaned lowly and tried to arch into the touch. Fuck, he just wanted Cas to touch him, _everywhere_. But Cas took his sweet time just looking at Dean and very barely caressing the small of his back and the swell of his ass.

" Cas." Dean gasped when Cas let one finger drag down the crack of Dean’s ass, pressing the satiny fabric in a little. "Please."

"I love you like this." Cas rumbled in his voice made for goddamn sex already. "All hard and begging for me." He scooted down and pulled the panties to the side, exposing Dean’s fluttering hole. "So ready for me to touch you, just look at you."

Dean did whine then. Long and high-pitched and fucking hell, Cas answered with an almost animalistic growl. Before Dean could even hope to recover from that Cas leaned in and licked a wide stripe from Dean’s taint to his tailbone.

" _Fuck_!" Dean shouted and fisted the sheets to push himself back when Cas lifted off. While Dean would never admit it out loud he knew he fucking loved having his ass played with and Cas — wonderful, kinky Cas — of course knew this as well. Had probably figured it out right from the start. He never said anything about it, just _did_ things that drove Dean out of his mind and Dean loved it.

" God, Dean." Cas groaned with his mouth pressed against Dean’s hole. "If only you _knew_."

Knew what, Dean wanted to ask but he didn’t have time to even take a fucking breath before Cas started licking again. The grip he had on the panties made them press even harder against Dean’s dick and Dean couldn’t help, he had to get more. More of everything. So he pressed back against Cas’ slithering tongue even as he grinded himself forward on what little friction the panties gave.

It was soon too much and yet too little and Dean didn’t know what to do with himself. He had fisted the sheets to the point of ripping them and the muscles on his neck were taut with the effort of not blowing it because _fuck_ , it almost felt too good.

Cas suddenly speared his tongue to prod at the rim of Dean’s eager hole and it nearly did him in.

"Cas!" he groaned. "Cas, I need you inside, please baby." Cas hummed pleasantly and the vibrations made Dean fuck himself back harder. "Please." He begged shamelessly. "Cas, I can’t hold it, it’s — fuck — it’s too much."

"Yes Dean." Cas agreed with his face planted against Dean’s ass, sounding much too calm. He circled Dean’s hole with a spit-slick finger and Dean moaned wantonly. "You sound so good Dean, begging so prettily for me." He bent in to suck at the puckered flesh around the hole even as he fucked Dean on his finger and that was it, it was so _it_.

Dean chanted Cas’ name as he spread his legs and fucked himself back. His dick quivered and pressed out against the panties and he almost sobbed with the need.

"Do it, Dean." Cas growled and Dean’s back arched painfully. "Soil your pretty panties for me. God, you’re so perfect." His fingers suddenly found Dean’s prostate and Dean screamed wordlessly as he came forcefully. His dick jumped and sprayed his panties and stomach, dribbling down on the bed and fuck, coming untouched like this was almost too painful. He needed to reach down and squeeze his dick but his arms trembled with the effort of keeping himself up. He barely registered that Cas was still talking. "Feel so good when you come, Dean. My big, strong man, soiling his panties for me."

Dean whimpered, first at Cas’ words and then when Cas rose to sit on his knees, removing his sinful mouth from Dean’s still very needy ass. Cas pressed his still clothed dick against Dean’s crack, pressing in very slight and fuck, Cas was _so hard_. Harder than Dean ever thought he had felt him. Cas panted as he rubbed himself against Dean, his hands roughly kneading the meat of Dean’s ass.

Dean was spent but his body was still thrumming, almost to the point of driving him crazy. He _needed_ Cas’ dick inside him, _now_.

" Cas." He moaned and winced when the slick satin rubbed against his spent dick. "Cas, I need you. Please don’t tease me anymore baby."

"Jesus _Christ_." Cas bit out and pressed harder against Dean. And Dean knew the man had excellent stamina but he could feel the dampness of Cas’ precome and he so did not want this to be over already.

" You promised to fuck me, Cas." He demanded in a decidedly breathless voice and didn’t care how wanton he sounded. He never needed to hide his desires from Cas.

"I will, fuck, I will Dean." Cas took a hard grip on Dean’s hips and grinded slowly but intently against Dean even as Dean pressed back. "Such a beautiful man, Dean, I just have to collect myself. Hearing my big mechanic beg so prettily for me, I—" he bit himself off with a loud moan and Dean felt his dick quiver.

"Fuck, Cas, hurry." Dean whined and didn’t ever care about that anymore, was only delirious with want. "I can’t wait any longer, want you inside. Want you to come inside me and want you to suck it back out. Want you to put your wonderful tongue to me and lap it all up. Fucking _please_ , baby."

A full-body shudder ran through Cas and he pulled back with a choked off groan. "Goddamn, Dean, the mouth on you." He gasped and Dean could hear the desperation in Cas’ voice now.

"No Cas, _your_ mouth on me."

" Fuck, Dean you have to be quiet or I’m gonna blow."

Dean’s stomach muscles clenched and he realized he had talked himself into another erection. But he didn’t care about that, his body craved Cas’ dick, _now_.

" No, no." Dean whimpered and wriggled his ass to get closer to Cas. "Do it in me, please Cas, use me. I need you so badly baby, I can’t—"

Dean was cut off when Cas slapped him hard on his right ass cheek.

"Quiet." Cas growled in a voice rough enough to gravel stone and everything just kind of whitened out for Dean. The sting of the blow, the shock of it, Cas’ voice, it all just added up to push his need from a hundred to a thousand in about a millisecond.

But he couldn’t not comply so all he did was lean his head down on the bed and lift his ass even more, moaning brokenly.

There was a brief silence behind him and then Cas was pressing two lubed up fingers against Dean’s already sensitive hole. But he wasn’t pressing them in, just resting them there and driving Dean insane.

"You liked that, didn’t you?" Cas asked and even though his voice had levelled out a little Dean could still hear that it was laced with desperation. "Did my strong man like having his bottom spanked while he’s wearing his pretty little panties?"

Dean couldn’t breathe. It… it was too much to ask. While sex with Cas was always a little more experimental than Dean was used to — and he loved it — he had never thought he would like things like this. Humiliation, spanking. Dom-kink? Dean didn’t even know where to being to categorize this and wasn’t so sure he had to either. Cas would know, wouldn’t he? Cas always took care of him.

He couldn’t really say it, though. Knew that he was safe with Cas and that Cas would never laugh at him but still. Admitting to liking being emasculated like this? It was pushing it.

Still, his body was trembling and desperate for Cas’ touches and he moaned desperately when all Cas did was prod at the hole and gently caress the slapped cheek.

"Tell me what you want, Dean." Cas murmured. "Tell me your color."

Yes, color, color was safe. No need to admit it in actual words, only the color. Dean screamed when Cas slapped him again and his dick bobbed against its confines.

"Green!" Dean wailed and barely had time to register Cas’ answering groan before another slap landed at the same time as Cas pressed two fingers inside Dean’s hole.

Cas was relentless after that and much rougher than he usually was but Dean didn’t care. Loved it, in fact. Loved the gentle way Cas was capable of holding him and loved the forceful slaps he delivered now as he fucked Dean hard on two and then three fingers.

"You better be ready for me, Dean." He panted roughly after too long and Dean could do nothing but nod his head and sob brokenly. He was _so_ ready, ready enough to blow his load again. Fuck, he hadn’t had a refractory time like this even when he was a teenager.

All heat left Dean when Cas pulled back and he shivered in both anticipation and cold. "Cas." He whimpered and wriggled his ass as he heard Cas open the condom wrapper. "The panties, they…" he moaned when Cas put a hand on Dean’s abused cheek, caressing it lovingly.

"Are they hurting you, sweetie?" Cas cooed and Dean nodded again, unable to find his voice when Cas sounded like that. Sounded so protecting that Dean’s heart hurt.

Cas bent down and kissed Dean’s stinging cheek as he pulled the panties down to let them pool at Dean’s knees. Dean let out a sigh of relief when his dick bobbed free and when Cas wrapped his lube-slick hand around it he moaned brokenly and thrust into the meaty tunnel.

"So perfect, Dean." Cas groaned hoarsely and pressed the blunt head of his dick against Dean’s hole and Dean couldn’t fucking breathe with how much he wanted this.

He gritted his teeth when Cas fucking finally pressed inside and while they usually did this part slowly Dean couldn’t wait anymore this time. He was too tightly strung and too lax from his last orgasm to care. As soon as Cas stopped, presumably to let Dean adjust and to take a fucking breather for himself, Dean slammed back forcefully, pushing the other man balls-deep inside.

They groaned in unison and Cas’ hand on Dean’s dick squeezed almost painfully for a second but Dean was so delirious with _need_ and _want_ and _want it now, Cas_ that he didn’t even register it.

" You’ll be the death of me, Dean Winchester." Cas gasped and pulled out only to slam back in again.

"Fuck me first." Dean bit out and felt how Cas put both hands on Dean’s hips before he started really ramming him and _fuck_.

Dean yelped when Cas found his prostate and Cas made an approving noise before he apparently made it his fucking mission in life to find it on every thrust. It felt like lightning going through Dean’s already abused nerve system and he couldn’t think, couldn’t see. Could only feel and babble a string of incoherent nonsense as Cas pushed him closer and closer to the edge again.

Cas was sweating and his hands were slipping on Dean’s hips but he was making the most beautiful sounds as he drove himself in and out of Dean’s greedy body. And Dean couldn’t help it, wanted too much for Cas to lose it, so he gathered what little wits he had left and used his inner muscles to clench even more around Cas. Shit, Cas’ hips stuttered so beautifully.

"Fuck, Dean." Cas rasped and let his hand travel back to Dean’s neglected dick. "Gonna come any second, big boy. Can’t hold it with you squeezing me like that."

"Yes." Dean whined and clenched again even as he fucked himself back on Cas and forward into the man’s hand. "Do it for me, Cas."

"God, Dean." Cas groaned and slammed home one more time before stilling and coming hard.

Dean felt Cas’ dick expand inside him and he wished with all his heart that there had been no rubber between them. He could still feel it, though, how Cas emptied himself as he grinded his hips in little abortive circles and it made Dean arch his back and buck back hard.

"Cas." He hissed out through clenched teeth and was rewarded with Cas squeezing the head of his dick and fuck if that wasn’t enough. He screamed what may or may not have been Cas’ full name and fucked himself through the tunnel of Cas’ hand, painting the bed with thick, white ropes.

All strength left him with his second orgasm and he fell down on the bed in a boneless heap. Cas made a surprised sound as he was pulled down with him and ended up sprawled on top of Dean. He was heavy but Dean needed the weight to ground him as the world spun beneath him. Fuck, he had discovered a lot about himself tonight and he needed to sort through it.

They stayed like that for quite a while and just as Dean started to wonder if Cas had fallen asleep he felt the other man stir.

"God." Cas groaned and raised himself on his hands, pulling out of Dean slowly. "I think I fell asleep. I crushed you, Dean."

"‘S fine." Dean mumbled groggily and was content to just lie there as Cas pulled the panties complete off and used them to clean up the worst mess.

"I could’ve killed you." Cas murmured as he caressed Dean’s sore ass and Dean hummed contentedly.

"Worse ways to go."

Cas chuckled and nudged Dean until he rolled over. Cas looked positively debauched and Dean loved it. Loved it to the point of having to reach up and run his hands through Cas’ tousled mess of a hair just so he wouldn’t embarrass himself by saying something stupid.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked in a low voice and Dean couldn’t resist pulling him down for a chaste kiss.

"I am." He mumbled against Cas’ lips and Cas kissed him back, deeper and possessively.

"Promise?"

"Promise, babe. In fact," Dean searched the bed for the soiled panties and held them up with a blush. "Maybe we should buy more of these?"

Cas breathe sharply through his nose. "I did love you in them."

"I could tell."

"And I seem to recall something about you wanting to see me in them?"

"Yeah." Dean couldn’t help grinning like a fool as he leaned up to kiss Cas again. "I think blue panties for you, though."

Cas laughed at that and rolled out of bed, graceful as ever. Dean would always be at odds with that. On the one hand he was jealous of how fluently Cas could move even after such an earthshattering orgasm and on the other hand it looked so fucking hot that Dean’s dick more often than not tried to revive itself too soon.

"You could come with me and do the shopping." Cas suggested as he extended a hand for Dean. "Now, how about a shower and some of that pie?"

Dean gratefully accepted the offered help and let himself be hauled to the bathroom with a laugh of his own.

  
  


*****

  
  


He awoke in the middle of the night to a cold bed and the distinct sound of someone vomiting.

"Cas?" he called worriedly and was up and out of bed before the retching had even stopped.

He found Cas hunched over the toilet, looking pale and shaking. Cas looked up and flushed the toilet when Dean appeared in the door. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and tried to smile but barely even manage to quirk the corners of his lips.

"‘M okay." He croaked and Dean fell to his knees beside him.

"No you’re not. Fuck, Cas, what can I do?" he was scared this had something to do with the pills. He had never seen Cas take them and Cas had been assuring him that he was cutting down but how could Dean be sure? And what would the drawbacks be? He remembered all too vividly what Cas had looked like that day at John and Mary’s when he had forgotten his pills.

Cas waved his concern off. "I just ate something bad or something, it’s fine."

Dean pressed his lips together and recognized the stubbornness in Cas; knew the fight was lost before it even began. And besides, even if he was right and it was the pills there was not really anything he could do about it, was there?

"I’m getting you some water." He said and stood to leave. He heard Cas dry heave while he was gone and he was sorely tempted to call Mary and ask what he should do. Then again, maybe Cas was right and he had eaten something that his stomach disagreed with, how the hell would Dean know?

He watched as Cas greedily downed the cold water while he sat on the floor with his back against the shower stall. "I’m sorry, Dean." He rasped when he was finished. "I didn’t mean to wake you."

"You’ve got nothing to apologize for, babe." Dean crouched down by Cas’ side and stroked his arm restlessly. "I just want you to be okay."

Cas nodded and sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the stall. "It feels better. I think I got it all out. I’m going to take a shower." He opened his brilliant eyes and Dean couldn’t help but feel concerned. "You should go back to sleep, I’ll be in shortly."

Dean’s stomach churned nervously. Something wasn’t right here and he knew it but he also knew that he would never get the answer if Cas wasn’t willing to give it to him.

"I’ll wait up."

"Don’t." Cas smiled for real this time and gave back the glass when Dean held out his hand for it. "You have work in the morning, I’ll be in soon. Just gonna take a cold shower, I think I’m done vomiting now."

He was smiling and it sounded like he was trying to lighten the mood but Dean wasn’t buying it. He didn’t want to argue, though, so he just nodded and kissed Cas on top of his sweaty head before he headed back to the kitchen to put the glass away.

He was one hundred percent sure something was amiss and he vowed not to fall asleep before Cas had joined him in bed again. Too bad his body had a completely different opinion on that.

  
  


****

  
  


Dean woke with a start, panicking when he realized that he had fallen asleep after all and that it now was well into morning and Cas _still_ wasn’t in bed.

He practically flew out of the bed. He was loath to yell for Cas in case the man for some reason had decided to go to sleep somewhere else but it didn’t stop him from racing down the hall. The bathroom was empty and so was the spare room and its lonely bed.

Dean’s heart was hammering in his chest by the time he reached the living room and he almost laughed in relief when he spotted Cas on the couch but the relief was short-lived. Cas was lying on the couch alright but after a closer inspection Dean wasn’t so sure he was asleep as much as passed out.

Cas was lying on his stomach, his face smashed against the couch cushion and a little puddle of drool had formed under his open mouth but it hardly looked like he was breathing.

"Cas?" Dean choked out and hurried over. Hurried so much that he didn’t register what he stepped on until it fucking hurt and he looked down to see the pill bottle Cas had dropped on the floor. Little pills of all kinds of colors littered the floor beneath him and Dean had no trouble imagining what those were. "Fuck." He breathed and kneeled beside Cas. "Cas? Wake up, baby, please."

He gingerly touched Cas’ face and winced when it felt clammy to the touch. He put his fingers under Cas’ nose and felt him breathing but only very barely and Cas wasn’t reacting in the least to Dean’s touches.

"Cas, please." Dean pleaded brokenly and shook the man lightly but Cas’ shoulder felt boneless and he didn’t make a move or sound. "Fuck. _Fuck._" Dean gripped his hair and had to concentrate to not start hyperventilating.

Okay, Cas was at least breathing so he wasn’t dead. Yet. Fuck, Dean knew nothing about drugs or overdosing and what the hell did he even know? He was so fucking useless. He needed help.

He scrambled to his feet and had to pinch his arm to be able to think clearly enough for him to remember where he had put his phone yesterday.

When he got it he stared at it for a moment, uncertain of whom to call. But one look at Cas’ lax body helped him make that decision. It wasn’t him that needed help, it was Cas and it didn’t matter if Cas would be mad at him later, so long as there _was_ a later Dean would be happy.

He dialed 911 with shaky fingers and crouched down beside Cas again to check if he was still breathing. How the hell long had he been lying here while Dean slept? He could have fucking died while Dean was selfishly snoring away. And what if he had been out for several hours? Sure, he was alive but what about brain damage?

Dean was shaking with fear by the time the operator answered and it had only gone about two rings.

"911, what’s your emergency?"

The woman’s voice was smooth and professional and Dean forced himself to relax. Yes, they could take care of Cas.

"I found my boyfriend passed out on the couch." He said and hated that his voice trembled. "I dunno how long he’s been here but he’s not waking up and…" he gulped and looked down at the scattered pills. "I think he’s maybe OD’d. A-amphetamines."

She proceeded with coolly and efficiently asking him questions. His address, his name, Cas’ name, if this had happened before, how long Cas had been doing drugs, if there was any of the substance around, if there was any harmful objects around, if Cas had been hurting himself, if anything unusual had happened lately.

Dean told her about Cas trying to quit and about finding him vomiting in the middle of the night. She didn’t judge him about going back to sleep but seemed to find the information otherwise very useful, which calmed him minutely.

Dean hung up a couple of minutes later and knew that the ambulance was moments away. He pressed the speed-dial for _Home_ and was greeted with Mary’s cheery but sleepy answer.

" Good morning, Dean." She said and Dean heard her sipping coffee.

"Mom?" he said in a shaky voice and suddenly felt four years old again. He was glad it had been Mary that answered the phone and not John.

"Dean?" she asked and her sleepiness was gone. "What’s wrong?"

"It’s… I…" he swallowed and gripped Cas’ slack hand. "I think Cas’ OD’d. What do I do?"

"What?" Mary was obviously confused. "How can you know—what has he taken—why—" she cut off her own barrage of questions and took a deep breath. "Have you called an ambulance?"

"Yes."

"Can he breathe normally? If he vomits, can he do it without choking himself? You know this, Dean."

Dean swallowed and was comforted by his mother’s voice as he put Cas in the recovering position Mary had been drilling into her boys ever since they were small. It was easy here on the couch where he could just rest Cas against the back of the couch.

"It’s okay." He said when he was done and thought nothing of this was okay.

"Good." Mary took a deep breath again and Dean heard her moving about and heard John talking in the background, which Mary promptly shushed. "Now, when the ambulance comes you tell them he’s your husband so they’ll let you ride it with him. Me and dad’ll meet you at the hospital, is it Sequoia?"

"I assume." Dean mumbled and rolled Cas’ fingers between his.

"Call us when you get there. Dad’ll call Bobby and let him know you’re not coming in today."

"Don’t tell him—"

"We’ll say we don’t know what’s wrong and you can tell him whatever you want later, honey." Mary said softly and Dean was too close to tears not choke out a dry sob at that.

"I’m scared, mom."

"I know, honey." Mary said gently and Dean cradled the phone to his ear. "But Cas needs you right now, you have to be strong for him. You go pack an overnight bag for him and wait for the ambulance, it’ll be there any minute now. Call when you know which hospital."

He nodded even though she couldn’t see. "Okay. Thanks, mom."

"I love you, sweetheart." She said and after they had hung up Dean burst into action performing the task Mary had set for him.

He checked in on Cas every ten seconds and had barely managed to get dressed by the time the ambulance arrived but he had gotten enough packed to be able to leave and when Dean frantically explained that Cas was his husband the ambulance personnel let him ride along, just like Mary had said. Dean sat the whole ride and held Cas’ hand while the personnel worked him over with their equipment.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	14. Please don't leave me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: the feels! Also, drugs and mentions of painful pasts/abuse
> 
> I’d also like to take the time to give a little (heads up, spoiler alert!) indication that I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here. Not much left for me to write about these two, that’s all I’m hinting at :)

  
  


Dean paced the waiting room impatiently.

"Dean, sit down." John grumbled, not for the first time, and Dean ignored him, just like the last times.

"What are they doing?" he asked no one in particular. "It’s not like they’re gonna operate, is it? Why can’t I see him?"

"Honey." Mary caught his arm when he stumbled past her and pulled him down in the seat beside her. "It’s going to be alright, he was breathing the whole time, wasn’t he?"

"Yeah." Dean’s leg bounced up and down and his palms were sweaty. "But what if he’s in a coma?"

Mary pressed her lips together and carded her hand through Dean’s hair. "Let the doctors work this out. Tell me what happened."

"I’ve already told you. Found him vomiting, did fucking nothing about it but go back to sleep and then woke to find him like this."

"Dean, this isn’t your fault." She chided gently and stroked his back in what used to be a comforting gesture but that did jack squat for him right now. He wanted Cas to walk through those doors and smile and hug Dean and tell him he would never leave him. Fuck, he had promised that and now…

"He promised." He whispered brokenly and Mary hugged him to his chest. "He _promised_ he wouldn’t leave."

" He’s not going anywhere." Mary stated firmly and Dean sighed and sat up straight when he felt John clap him roughly on the knee.

"It’s gonna be okay, son."

Fuck, this situation was fucked up if even emotionally stunted John Winchester thought he ought to chip in. But it helped, having both his parents here and he was just about to collect himself when Sam burst into the room and of course ruined everything with his big, worried eyes and ridiculously floppy hair.

"Dean?" he asked and proceeded with hauling Dean to his feet so he could hug him and fuck if that didn’t just make everything worse and Dean started fucking bawling like a goddamn baby.

He didn’t hug Sam back, just leaned on him and rubbed his snot and tears into his little brother’s shirt.

"Dean, we have to do something about this." He mumbled as he soothed his hands up and down Dean’s shaking back.

"I can’t afford it." Dean snuffled and felt Sam nod.

"You knew about this?" Mary asked and fuck, Dean had all but forgotten about his parents when Sam walked in.

He extracted himself and felt stupid for having cried like a child. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and heard Mary sigh exasperatedly before handing him a handkerchief which he accepted gratefully.

Sam turned to Dean but Dean just avoided Sam’s searching eyes with the pretense of wiping his nose.

"Well," Sam said, clearly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of not only Mary but also John. "Dean told me Cas had a drug problem but that he was handling it. Dean got him to call Omega and everything."

Mary shook her head. "Obviously he’s not handling this very well, he can’t quit on his own if he is in too deep. How long has he been using?"

Dean felt worthless that he didn’t know exactly. "Years." He whispered and watched how Mary gasped and John threw his hands up in the air.

"Great, Dean." John snorted derisively. "First you hook up with that controlling bitch and now you’re dating a drug addict, are you _trying_ to ruin your life?"

Dean’s blood boiled at hearing John imply that Cas’ presence would be ruining anything but he didn’t have time to say anything before Sam slapped his big hand down on the coffee table in front of John.

"Shut _up_ , dad." He all but growled and Dean and Mary watched with round eyes, not unused to Sam arguing with their patriarch but never having heard him tell John off like that. Sam stared at the man for several moments before John actually relented. Sam straightened with a huff when John looked away and Dean met his mother’s equally astonished eyes behind the youngest Winchester’s back. "Now, let’s figure out how to deal with this and argue about it later."

John grumbled something but refused to meet Sam’s stare. Mary turned to Dean.

"Did you say you can’t afford it? So you’ve been looking into rehab?"

Dean was incredibly uncomfortable talking about this behind Cas’ back, and to his parents. He felt like a little kid that couldn’t handle anything on his own but then again, his "handling" of this had landed Cas in the hospital, so…

"Cas basically has no money." He started and sat down by Mary’s side again while Sam sat down on the table. "So I would have to pay for it and that’s fine by me but he doesn’t want burden me, as he puts it. And he told me he could handle it by himself so I’ve assumed he doesn’t want to go to rehab for some reason. Perhaps money, maybe because he doesn’t have medical insurance, I dunno."

"Or maybe because he’s an addict." John interjected but his tone wasn’t half as condescending as it had been before. He stared back at them when they glared at him. "What?"

Dean sighed and continued before this could blow into yet another argument. "Maybe that too, I really don’t know." He conceded. "In any case, I looked up some options but the only ones I figured would help would be the ones where he go and actually live there for some time. Omega seems to be the best but even their cheapest program is $4800 for one month." He looked down at his hands and fisted them to control his shaking. "I can barely afford that and I think maybe he needs more, but how would I know?"

"How much do you need?" Mary asked gently and placed her hand on Dean’s arm. The touch was gentle and warm and not the touch he craved but he leaned gratefully against her anyway.

"If it’s just one month I’m only short about $1200 but if it’s more than that…" he thought about how that money had once been part of a wedding budget for Lisa and him and felt glad that they would come to good use, even if he really had wanted to spend them on a vacation with Cas instead. Mary pulled him into a hug and Dean willed himself to _not cry_ again.

" I have like one grand." Sam suddenly piped up and Dean turned to glare at him.

"What?"

"I’m not taking your money, Sam."

"But—"

"Sammy, _no_."

" Dean." Sam huffed in frustration and carded his hand through his hair. "It’s to save someone’s life, right? And that that someone happens to be my brother’s boyfriend only makes it more important, don’t you think?"

"Yeah, but…"

"You don’t have to worry, honey." Mary smiled when he turned to her. "You just put down as much money as you can comfortably afford and me and dad’ll pitch in with the rest."

"You will?" Dean asked stupidly even as he heard John’s resigned sigh.

"Of course." Mary said and nearly scowled at him. "You’re my baby boy and I will not have you sad if I can fix it, especially not if the problem is something as simple as money."

Dean gulped and barely managed over the lump in his throat. "Y-yeah?" he asked and she nodded while Sam smiled at him.

"Of course, Dean. _Right_ , John?" she asked then and yeah, that mom-tone left no room for arguments.

John sighed again. "Right dear." He muttered. "Let’s just hear what the doctor says first and then decide if we need to throw all our money at this. Maybe one month’ll be enough."

Dean nodded gratefully. Maybe one month _would_ be enough. Cas was after all very stubborn and in a rehab facility he would have all the help he needed and no temptations. Yes, this could still turn out alright. If only Cas would wake up.

  
  


*****

  
  


Castiel woke up slowly, sluggishly, and the glaring light in the room stung his eyes. He groaned softly and momentarily panicked when he tried lifting his right hand and it felt restricted. When he looked down he noticed that there was a needle taped to him. It almost looked like an IV-drop but that couldn’t be right because that would mean he was at a hospital and…

"On no." He groaned when he spotted Dean’s beautiful, sleeping face.

Dean had his head tucked against his arms as he leaned against the hospital bed Castiel was in and it looked like he was about two seconds away from sliding off the chair he was precariously sitting on.

Castiel closed his eye momentarily and tried to stave off the panic attack at the thought of how much he must have fucked up for it to have come to this. The last thing he remembered clearly was waking up in the middle of the night, pained with withdrawal and how he vomited his brains out, apparently. He thought he maybe talked to Dean and he thought he might have given in after that and taken a few pills but then what were they doing here?

Dean woke with a start as soon as Cas’ fingers grazed his hair. "Cas!" he exclaimed and sat up straighter, rubbing his tired face. "Fuck, took you long enough. I thought…" he stopped himself and took a deep but shaky breath. So Castiel had fucked up pretty bad, apparently.

"Dean." He mumbled, his voice hoarse and he realized how fucking thirsty he was. And warm. And cold. And fuck, his hands were shaking. "What happened?"

"It’s okay." Dean said as reassuring as he could, which proved to be not very reassuring at all but Castiel wasn’t scared. He had after all woken up in much worse conditions.

He smiled gratefully when Dean fetched a cup of water for him and put it to his lips. He felt parched and couldn’t help moaning a little when the water hit his chapped lips. It felt like velvet down his throat and he gulped it down greedily.

"What happened?" he asked again when he had settled down on the bed and Dean had sat down beside him.

Dean groped for Castiel’s left hand and squeezed it when their fingers entwined. "I thought you’d OD’d." Dean mumbled without meeting Castiel’s eyes. He could tell that this was very upsetting for the man and he ached to right the wrong. "The doctor said it wasn’t _that_ bad but you came pretty close. You… Fuck, I found you passed out on the couch." He looked up then and his green eyes were so full of hurt that Castiel didn’t know what to do with himself.

He reached out and stroked Dean’s cheek. Dean immediately leaned into the touch. "I’m sorry." He rasped and watched how Dean’s eyelids fluttered.

"You promised you wouldn’t leave."

"I won’t." Castiel said even though he was beginning to doubt what good he was doing staying with Dean. Good other than what he himself got out of it. He pushed the thoughts aside and put his hand on the back of Dean’s head to pull him closer.

Dean went willingly and stood up to crouch down over Castiel. The kiss they shared was chaste but full of unspoken promises and Castiel was unwilling to end it but Dean eventually pulled back and sat back down.

"You’ve been out for almost a full day." Dean said after a while of just quiet handholding and Castiel squeezed his hand. "I thought you were unconscious because I couldn’t wake you but the doctors said you weren’t, said you were just sleeping heavily. I dunno, maybe they have some way of knowing or…"

"They do the nail test." Castiel smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood but he immediately realized that it didn’t work. Mainly because Dean apparently didn’t know what he meant but also because Dean was taking this much more seriously than Castiel. Not that Castiel wasn’t aware of what he apparently almost had done to himself — and Dean — but he had long since stopped caring about his own welfare. Was mad at himself for treating Dean like this, though, especially after their promises.

"Nail test?" Dean asked and Castiel smiled at him again before pressing down hard on one of Dean’s finger nails. "Son of a bitch!" Dean exclaimed and yanked his hand away.

Castiel chuckled. "Do that to an unconscious person and they won’t react. A sleeping person would."

"I doubt doctors do that, though." Dean said grumpily and rubbed his abused finger.

"Probably not." Castiel conceded even though he had seen doc Benton do it on a number of occasions. Dean gingerly laced their fingers together again when Castiel opened his hand in invitation.

"Cas?" Dean started in just a little while. Castiel turned his attention from watching the light dance in Dean’s hair back to his boyfriend’s eyes. "We have to talk about what happened."

Dean wasn’t looking at Castiel, was studying their hands, but Castiel nodded nonetheless. "Okay."

"‘Cuz I can’t fucking go through that again."

_Oh God_ , Castiel thought and braced himself for the inevitable rejection. He deserved it though, deserved to be pushed away because Dean _didn’t_ deserve this kind of life. Castiel loved him too much to be selfish enough to force him. Had just hoped he could have had this for a little while longer.

Dean took a deep breath while Castiel held his. "Don’t be mad, Cas." Dean started gently and looked up to meet Castiel’s eyes. "But I don’t think you’re handling your addiction very well and I’m scared for your life so," he took another breath. "So I’ve booked you an appointment at the Omega Drug and Alcohol rehab at Redwood Shores Parkway. The doctors say you’re getting out tomorrow so I booked you a meeting on Friday and Omega has agreed to take you in if they decide that you need it. I’ve already talked to them about prepaying and they have place for you now so if they think you need it you’re going to just stay there from Friday on until you’re healthy."

Castiel just stared at Dean. His heart rate got elevated and he had to try very hard to control his breathing. This couldn’t be happening; this was the exact opposite of what he had wanted. This was Dean throwing his life away because Castiel couldn’t get his shit together.

"No." He eventually pressed out and Dean looked momentarily surprised.

"No?" he asked and tried to hold Castiel’s hand when Castiel pulled away.

"I’m not letting you waste that kind of money on me, Dean." He said firmly and watched how Dean’s surprise made way for confusion.

"Waste?" he parroted and tried to reach for Castiel’s hand again. "It’s not a waste if it’s to save your life, babe."

Castiel closed his eyes when Dean grabbed his hand. He couldn’t let Dean do this, he had thought he could be happy with Dean but he couldn’t sit by and watch as the man threw his life away on… on _him_.

" I’m not doing it, get your money back."

"Damnit, Cas." Dean growled and squeezed his hand to get him to open his eyes. Castiel complied only reluctantly. "Why are you so against this? Are the drugs worth more than your life? Don’t you want to live? Don’t you want to be with me?"

"Of course I want that!" Castiel exclaimed and sat up straighter, snatching his hand back yet again. "I just promised I would never leave you and I meant it. I want to live with you forever, I want to grow old with you and when I die I want it to be of old age and to be buried beside you but Dean," he huffed and carded a hand through his unclean hair. "You can’t want that, not with me, I see that now. Don’t you understand that you could do so much better?"

"Well, I don’t want _better_. I want _you_." Dean hissed angrily and Castiel huffed again, prepared to pull out the hurt just to get Dean to understand.

" You don’t know me, we’ve known each other for what? Four months? And what the hell have I ever done for you but bring you trouble? Don’t you see, Dean?" he swallowed dryly but refused to acknowledge the lump in his throat. "I love you too much to ruin your life."

"Fuck you, Cas." Dean pressed out and Castiel felt bile rise in his throat. "You don’t get to choose how I live my life. If you don’t want to be with me that’s fine but don’t lay the blame on something stupid as this. Why the hell wouldn’t I want you?"

Castiel felt angry and powerless and that unfortunately made him lash out at Dean. "Because I am _nothing_!" He shouted heatedly, taking Dean by surprise. " I’m filthy trash, Dean, and you don’t need the shit I bring with me in your life. I’ve been selfish enough to stay with you even for as long as I have." Dean looked like he wanted to object again but Castiel couldn’t be stopped now; had to say this so Dean would _understand_.

" I shouldn’t have promised myself to you because I have nothing to give." He continued ruthlessly. "I’m just a poor foreigner; Castiel isn’t even my real name. I once heard a preacher talk about Cassiel, the angel of solitude and tears, and I thought it sounded pretty but I couldn’t pronounce it properly back then. I was Dmitri Krushnic before that, and I was born in Russia. I don’t know when exactly and I don’t even know how old I am but judging by things I remember happening in the world during my life I’d say somewhere around 30 to 35, probably closer to 35." Dean was staring wide-eyed at him but Castiel didn’t relent one bit, just plunged ahead with a steady voice.  
"I lived in Russia with my parents and we were so poor that mom had to whore herself out. Didn’t take them long to figure out they could charge more if they let me do it, though. I was still a snot-faced kid when my mom taught me how to suck cock. She died, though, and I’m not completely sure it wasn’t dad that killed her. He moved us over to the States after that and no, I don’t have a green card or any form of ID. I was a few years older when dad started teaching me how to take it up the ass like a good whore and I know I was in my early teenage years when I bashed his skull in with a tire iron and left him dead in a ditch. I’ve always claimed it was self-defense but not even I know anymore." His hands were shaking as memories of that sunny day leapt to mind but still his voice was steady.  
"I kept whoring myself because I knew nothing else and I eventually ended up with the dominatrix Lilith down in Las Vegas. She beat all her whores every night so when Crowley came to see if she had any good holes to buy I seduced him any way I could. He told me I was worthless at it but he still bought me, and Alastair introduced me to his pills as soon as I got here. I’ve done _a lot_ of drugs over the years but Alastair’s pills are by far the cleanest so it was easy to get hooked and that’s where I am today." He leaned back, exhausted by his long monologue and Dean was just staring at him, his mouth slightly agape, and Castiel couldn’t blame him. " Do you understand now?" he asked softly. "Do you see who you’re inviting into your home and wasting money on? An incestuous, murderous human toilet with years of drug addiction in tow. Dean, I will always love you because you showed me light where there was only darkness but sweetie," he reached up and cupped Dean’s cheek gently. "This isn’t your burden to bear; I don’t want to be that burden for you."

"C-Cas." Dean stuttered out in a croak and Castiel nodded when the man couldn’t continue, could only keep staring at Castiel with wide and frightened eyes.

"Tell you what," Castiel dropped his hand again and saw how Dean’s fingers twitched but he didn’t otherwise move. "You said I’m getting discharged tomorrow, right? Well, go home and think about what I said and if you decide that you still want to dirty your beautiful hands you can come pick me up at the front gates. Ask the nurses when you leave what time I’ll be released, _if_ you want to know." He smiled that little smile that was reserved for Dean and Dean alone. " It’s easier to say yes or no with actions than with words sometimes. Come back if you want to, when you’ve thought this over, and if you do I agree to go into rehab." He laid his head comfortably against the pillow and shut his eyes even though the action scared the wits out of him. "Now leave."

They sat for a moment in tense silence and then he heard Dean get up and leave without another word. Castiel’s heart was lodged in his throat and would stay there for the whole night.

  
  


*****

  
  


Castiel had always thought the hospital rule that stated that patients had to be wheeled out was stupid but he was stupendously grateful for it today. He was shaking and sweaty, both from lack of sleep and from his need for his pills. But his forced withdrawal had mostly occurred during the night and there had been nurses to help him so he was starting to feel better about this. He _had to_ feel better since what little pills he had left were all over at Dean’s and while Dean had packed a small overnight bag for Castiel there wasn’t any money in it so Castiel couldn’t even contact Alastair even if he had dared to. Now that he thought about it he didn’t even have his phone with him.

He sighed and smiled up at the male nurse that had pushed him to the exit. "Thank you." He murmured and climbed gingerly to his feet.

"No problem, mate." The nurse said with detached interest and turned around to wheel the wheelchair back in as soon as Castiel was out of it.

Castiel looked after him for a moment, standing on his wobbly legs and clutching his bag to his chest like a lost little child, before he dared turn around to look out over the open road in front of the hospital.

There were taxis lined up in a neat row, waiting for customers. There were lots of other cars, some empty and some with someone by the wheel. But no black Impala.

Castiel sighed and swallowed his sadness. Of course Dean would do the sensible thing, especially after Castiel had told him to and _especially_ after Castiel had told him all of that shit. _Why_ had he admitted to everything and why did it feel like the worst decision in the world to push Dean away?

Because he needed the man, of course. Castiel sighed. He needed Dean like the flowers need the sun but he couldn’t… didn’t have any right to…

He took a deep and shuddering breath. This was for the best anyway. What he should do now was figure out what to do next. He had gotten a bit lazy under Crowley’s protection but he _had_ survived the bulk of his life all on his own. Should maybe go call Balthazar, though, and see if he could give Castiel something to eat before he skipped town.

He turned to walk back in to ask for a phone to use when the screeching of tires made him turn back. Dean’s black monstrosity of a car had come to a stop right in front of the hospital, on the ambulance parking, and Dean was jumping out of it before the engine was even shut off. Sam emerged from the passenger side and Castiel’s heart nearly stopped.

He fell to his knees when his eyes met Dean’s infinitely green ones but he was caught by Sam’s strong hands before he face-planted on the ground.

Sam was panting as if he hand been running but he was solid and strong when Castiel clung to him.

"It’s okay." Sam said against Castiel’s hair. "I got you, it’s okay." He then proceeded with picking Castiel up and carrying him over to the car where he shoved Castiel in the passenger seat before getting in the back. He thumped the ceiling with his fist. "We’re good to go, Dean." He yelled and Castiel watched with round eyes as Dean jerked and climbed back into the car.

Castiel sat at the far end of the seat, eyes big and round in his disbelief and Dean stared back with just as much fear. "I thought you weren’t coming." He rasped and watched as if in slow-motion how Dean reached out for him.

"Traffic." Dean croaked and pulled Castiel over to him. Castiel let himself slide along the seat and didn’t even mind that his bag was crushed between them when Dean embraced him roughly. "I don’t care, Cas. I don’t care about your past, or your self-hate." He said in a shaky voice. "You’re _my Cas_ , forever. Understand?"

Castiel closed his eyes against the tears and buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. "I understand, Dean." He whispered and felt Dean relax against him even as Sam let out a breath of relief in the backseat.

  
  


*****

  
  


Cas was accepted into the Omega rehab center that Friday.

Dean had urged Cas to choose a last name for himself and he had chosen Novak after some Serbian tennis player none of the Winchesters had ever heard about. He sounded proud of his choice, however, so they hadn’t questioned it. Had just taken his information to Sam’s friend Brady who was wickedly good at making fake ID’s. It was a temporary solution, of course, just to get Cas accepted at Omega. Dean was already planning on how to get Cas to take a citizenship test after he was drug free. He had been afraid that Omega would be asking much more questions than they did but they seemed to be content with just getting the money and the patient.

The staff told Dean that visiting hours were Wednesdays and Saturdays between 10 and 4 p.m. but that he probably shouldn’t come on the first Saturday since Cas would need time to adjust. He had agreed reluctantly and kissed a forlorn Cas goodbye before letting Sam drive him home. He was glad that Sam had offered to come along and when he got in the passenger seat of his Impala he was even gladder for it. Wouldn’t have wanted to risk crashing with his beloved car just because his mind was on Cas.

The Wednesday the week after, Dean arrived promptly at 10 a.m., having taken the day off for "personal reasons", but his giddiness at the prospect of seeing Cas was short-lived.

As soon as he arrived he was informed that Cas had had an exceptionally hard time and he had even behaved violently to the point where they had had to suspend him to the bed. Dr. Robert, Cas’ attending physician, explained to Dean that they hoped the worst would be over in regards to the violent outbursts, which had mostly involved self-harm, but that he was concerned about Cas’ mental state. But he was hopeful, he explained, that things would get better now that the residual drugs in Cas’ system were slowly draining away.

Dean was allowed to see him, though, but Cas was asleep and the doctor urged Dean not to wake him. He showed him to Cas’ room nonetheless and even left them alone.

Cas was lying on his back, sleeping and breathing very shallowly. His wrists were chained to the bed with big, fluffy handcuffs and Dean could see clear evidence of the self-harm the doctor had been talking about. His knuckles were ruddy and his arms had long but clean scratches on them.

"Oh, Cas." He whispered and pulled up a chair to sit down beside his boyfriend. His beautiful, broken, perfect boyfriend.

He sat for a long while, staring at Cas’ face and gently rubbing his thumb across the back of Cas’ hand. Dr. Robert came and went and so did a nurse, several times, but Dean never acknowledged any of them and they didn’t disturb him, for which he was grateful.

He left later that day, feeling more powerless than usual.

  
  


*****

  
  


Dean parked the Impala a little ways away from the gray building where he long ago had dropped off Cas and exited the car uneasily. Cas didn’t know he was here and he was pretty sure the man would disapprove if he knew but Dean couldn’t not do this.

He had been thinking about Cas’ friends ever since his visit this Saturday; the first visit with Cas awake. Fuck, Cas had looked haggard and Dean had wanted to cry. But Cas had smiled so wonderfully when he spotted Dean and yes, even through his sweat and medication Cas had still smelled so good and felt so perfect against Dean that Dean had sighed in relief. Cas’ first week had been brutal and Dean had seriously reconsidered his decision to put Cas in the rehab center but Dr. Robert had said that Cas was doing better. Dean could only hope that was true.

He looked up and down the street to see if he could spot someone he recognized. It was a Tuesday so it would have been one of Cas’ regular days and Dean remembered that that British bloke had been with Cas on more than one of those days. Cas had never confirmed it because Dean had never asked but Dean was pretty sure that Brit was Balthazar and if that was true then he was probably Cas’ best friend and he deserved to know.

He sighed when he spotted no one he knew and resigned himself to walk closer to that gray complex, even though he was pretty sure that was a bad idea.

He nearly bumped into a pretty redhead when he turned around too abruptly. "Sorry." He mumbled and caught her by the elbow to keep her from stumbling.

"No problem, sweetie." She smiled pleasantly but Dean didn’t like hearing that pet name from anyone else but Cas so he didn’t smile back. "I was just going to ask," she continued when he just nodded and made to leave. It made him stop and frown at her. "Is that your car?"

She was pointing at his Impala so Dean just shrugged and nodded. "Yeah." He admitted offhandedly.

"Then," she stepped up and grabbed his arm, leaning in, and his frown deepened. What the hell? "Are you Dean? _The_ Dean?"

" The what?" he asked unintelligently because seriously, _what the hell_?

She stepped even closer and gripped him harder when he tried to pull away. "Cassie’s Dean?"

Oh. His eyes widened and he took in her whole appearance. Was she working for Crowley as well? Of course Dean knew that there would be female whores as well and Cas had even mentioned a few names but he never would have expected them to look quite so neat. Prejudice of him, of course, but there you had it.

"You know Cas?" he asked instead, dumfounded when she nearly squealed in giddiness.

"Oh my God, you _are_ Dean, aren’t you?" she danced along the street and pulled him with her. " I never thought I’d see you, please come with me, I have some people you _have to_ meet."

" Actually," Dean mumbled and fought a blush when what he would call regular pedestrians looked funnily at the two of them. "I was actually looking for Balthazar, do you know him?"

"Know him?" she scoffed happily but suddenly stopped abruptly. "Wait." She turned to him, her grip on his arm now bordering on painful. "Why are you looking for him? Is Cassie…" she narrowed her eyes and stepped up to him, much more intimidatingly all of a sudden and how was that possible when she was almost a foot shorter than him? "Has Cassie lost his appeal to you?"

"What?" Dean scowled down at her and actually ripped his arm free, furious at the question. Images of Cas’ tired face swam before him, beautiful even in his broken state. "_No_ , I just need to talk to Balthazar."

She gave him a look and then nodded with her lips pressed together. "Come on." She said and started walking in the direction she had been dragging him.

He sighed but followed her nonetheless.

She led him to a rundown coffee shop and they entered but walked all the way through it to come out the backside. They entered a closed off section of the alley with chairs and a tarp roofing. There sat two men and a woman, eating soggy sandwiches. They looked up when Dean and the redhead opened the door.

"Anna?" The shorter of the two men exclaimed. "We switching already?" he dug out a phone from his jeans pocket and frowned at it.

The redhead shook her head. "No, I just have someone I’d like you to meet." She said and stepped to the side, totally putting Dean on the spotlight.

"Um…" he said uncomfortably but he was saved by the very guy he had been looking for.

"Dean?" the man said and got up to stand in front of Dean. The other two came to join them as well.

"Balthazar, right?" Dean asked, hoping to get to the point and just get out of here. Fuck, Cas would be mad enough if he knew that Dean had gone down to the street, he could just imagine what the man would say if he knew Dean had been let into this little circle.

"That’s right." Balthazar answered and actually extended a hand for Dean to shake, which he did gratefully. "How’s Cassie? We haven’t heard from him for over a week."

"Yeah, what’s with the radio silence, Ken doll?" the shorter man asked with a grin and Dean swallowed.

"That’s what I came to talk to you about." He said and met Balthazar’s eyes. "Look, I know I kind of snagged Cas away from you all, because I assume you’re all his friends?" he asked and looked around at them. They all nodded. "I know you probably miss him and all so I’m sorry about that." He had felt selfish enough about this for a long while. Felt good to be able to say it out loud.

The redhead, Anna, waved her hand. "Anyone getting out of here is lucky, we’re happy for Cassie."

"Yeah." The shorter man piped up. "So long as you’re treating him good." Okay, yeah, that was a threatening glint in his eyes, right there. Dean nodded mutely.

"So tell us, why haven’t Cassie returned our calls?" Balthazar asked and crossed his arms.

Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper which he handed to Balthazar. The man raised his eyebrows but he accepted it nonetheless and folded it open to read Dean’s loopy handwriting.

"Cas is at the Omega rehab center, you can reach him on that number, during those hours. I…" he looked away when four pairs of astonished eyes landed on him. "He had a really bad episode a while back and I thought he was going to die so I kind of forced him to go. I’m sorry I didn’t think of telling you all sooner, he’s not allowed to use his phone so he left it at home and I just now saw all the messages you’ve left. Sorry."

"But…" the brown-haired woman grabbed the paper when Balthazar’s grip on it loosened. "But how can he afford that?"

Dean shifted uncomfortably, very aware of their stares. "I paid for it."

Anna gasped and put a hand over her mouth and Balthazar looked as if he needed to sit down. The shorter man barked out a relieved laugh and the brunette just stared at Dean. Dean felt ridiculous. This wasn’t what he had come here for.

"Look," he mumbled and put his hands in his pockets. "Cas is probably gonna understand that it was me that gave you that number and he might get mad because he keeps going on about wanting to keep me away from this." He gestured around them, meaning the prostitution and somehow he thought they understood. "But I don’t care. He needs help where he’s at right now and I think the doctors and me won’t be enough. He needs his friends as well and I think you can understand much better than me what he’s going through so I would appreciate it if you’d call him, okay?"

They were all just kind of staring at him and he started getting seriously freaked out but before he could bolt the brunette stepped up and actually hugged him.

"Thank you." She mumbled against his ear and he nodded, hugging her back lightly.

They all thanked him and he allowed it but still thought that this wasn’t really about that. Was about Cas and him needing help. Somehow Dean thought they all knew that, though.

"You’re right, though." The shorter man said just as Dean was leaving.

"About what?" Dean asked apprehensively with his hand on the door handle.

The man glanced at him friends. "You shouldn’t have come here, you’re right about Cas not wanting you here."

Dean nodded, tight-lipped. "I know, I won’t come again. Just thought this was important, ‘s all."

He was stopped from leaving yet again when Balthazar put his hand on Dean’s arm. "Don’t get Gabe wrong, we love you for coming here and easing our worries. It’s just…" he glance at his friends too. "I don’t know how much you know about our business but surely you’ve heard about our boss?"

"Crowley." Dean stated but it was really a question.

The brunette hugged herself. "He’s furious." She mumbled.

Balthazar nodded when Dean frowned. "Well, Cassie is just another whore to him but still, Cassie did what no one has dared before. He walked away." He pressed his lips together and Dean wondered if he was trying not to smirk or not to frown. "Crowley is a sore loser but he is also honest in his dishonesty. He has always promised that he won’t hurt us even if we betray him by leaving."

"So… Good?" Dean asked because he really wasn’t getting it.

The other four looked at each other again and Dean was beginning to think they could communicate telepathically.

"Yes, good." Anna stated at length. "For us. You, on the other hand…"

Balthazar clapped Dean on his shoulder when all Dean could do was continue to frown in confusion and growing irritation. "I’m sure Crowley won’t put down the resources to actually scour up the reason that Cassie quit but if he ever were to somehow find out it’s because of you, he might…" he made a grimace and Dean suddenly felt cold and _very_ watched. " Just be careful, Dean."

"‘Kay." He pressed out and kind of wanted to bolt but knew that would draw too much attention.

"I’ll walk you out." Anna said then and smiled pleasantly. "And don’t worry, you’re immensely important to Cassie, which makes you important to us, we’ll cover your tracks best we can."

"Just…" Balthazar gestured to the note the brunette was still clutching. "Thank you and don’t come here again."

Dean nodded curtly and let himself be led away by Anna.

Later, when he was safely home again he tried his hardest to drop the whole conversation about Crowley and decided to feel good about things instead. Because Cas’ recovery was the most important thing here and he needed help and now Dean was certain he would get the support he needed from his friends as well. Yes, one step at a time Cas would get better, Dean had to keep believing that.

  
  



	15. Talking about you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit I struggled a little with this chapter. I had a lot I wanted to say and I just… I hope it came out alright! Thank you for reading <3

  
  


"So who would like to start us up today?" Dr. Garrison asked as he leaned back in his chair, looking out over the ring of patients around him.

Castiel sighed inwardly. Group therapy, in a goddamn ring, could we be more cliché, doctor?

"Oh, oh!" Andy was practically bouncing on his seat beside Castiel and Castiel couldn’t repress an eye-roll.

He was not alone, though, it even looked like Dr. Garrison had trouble keeping his patience. Andy had been with Omega for as long as he could remember, he had told Castiel one evening, and he always had _a lot_ to share with the group.

Castiel crossed his legs and caught Ash’s eyes on the other side of the circle. The mullet-headed stoner made a gagging sound that Dr. Garrison quieted with a pointed harrumph. Castiel smirked. While he thought group therapy was pointless he did enjoy some of the other patients’ antics and the session was always placed the hour before phone time, Castiel’s favorite time of the day.

Yes, he thought he was adjusting quite nicely and barely even noticed anymore how he counted the minutes until the next Saturday and Dean’s visits.

"How about _someone else_?" Dr. Garrison pressed out but everyone remained stubbornly silent. Dr. Garrison sighed loudly. " How about you, Mr. Novak?" he asked and it took a moment for Castiel to remember that that was him now. Dean had gotten him an ID and everything.

"How about me, what?" he asked and sounded much more snarky than he had intended. He actually liked Dr. Garrison, just didn’t like sharing secrets he had kept for the better part of thirty years with a couple of strangers just because some doctor believed that would help him. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 54 minutes until he could call Dean. Tick-tock, Dr. Garrison.

"You’ve managed to push through the first stages of your withdrawal quite well, even considering your violent episodes of last week, but while I know you’re not mute you have yet to say anything in therapy. Why is that?"

Castiel squinted at the man, not very happy to be reminded of his shameful behavior. "Have you considered that I might not be comfortable talking to strangers?" what a fucking lie, considering his former occupation. He almost smirked at his own wording but thought that would just make his situation worse.

Dr. Garrison scribbled something down on his note pad and Castiel didn’t like that one bit. "I don't believe that to be true, Mr. Novak." He stated confidently and Castiel pursed his lips. "I have both heard and seen you talk to a number of patients here on several occasions but I have _also_ noticed that it’s seldom about something personal."

" I do believed that’s why it’s called ‘personal’, Dr. Garrison." Castiel said in a neutral tone but couldn’t help smiling when Ash mocked his use of air quotes. Ash grinned back and Dr. Garrison eyed the both of them before scribbling something else down.

"How about this, Mr. Novak. How about you tell me why you agreed to come here? You weren’t court mandated, you came here of your own free will, isn’t that correct?"

Castiel leaned back and regarded the man. He didn’t like this one bit but Dr. Robert had told him today when Castiel had wanted to go out into the garden that he wouldn’t be allowed if he kept being difficult. And even Dean had told him he needed to go along with what the doctors wanted from him. This wasn’t just about beating the insistent pull of the drugs and the surging feeling of panic their absence brought; this was also about cohabitation and cooperation.

"It is." He agreed slowly.

"And why did you do that?" Dr. Garrison asked and Castiel could feel the whole room staring at him now. "Can you put into one word the reason for you being here today?"

Well, that was easy.

"Dean." Castiel said and smiled pleasantly. "Dean is the reason for everything."

Castiel lay on the couch in Dr. Robert’s office later that day, head still spinning from the wonderful conversation he had had with Dean after the awful group therapy had been over. While Dr. Garrison had been satisfied with Castiel’s answer Castiel had known that wouldn’t be the end of it because of course the doctors were worse gossipers than any whores Castiel had ever known.

"So, Mr. Novak." Dr. Robert said and sat down on his armchair by the cough. Yet another cliché that made Castiel more tired than comforted. "Dr. Garrison tells me you talked during group therapy today."

"I believe it’s rude not to speak when spoken to." Castiel answered with his eyes trained on the ceiling. God, he missed Dean. His missed the home he had built with the man. The shaking his lack of pills had always brought had diminished but it was still there, like a constant hum, and Castiel found it hard to concentrate when he didn’t have Dean to distract him. He wished, not for the first time, that he at least had a photo of the man.

"Are you telling me that we would have gotten much more out of you if we’d just asked?" Dr. Robert asked and he sounded amused. Castiel didn’t answer. "I believe we will start having more private conversations, you and I. I would still like for you to join group therapy, if nothing else it’s educational to hear other people’s stories."

Castiel snorted but tried to hide it with a cough like Gabe always did. He missed his trickster friend right now; just imagine what a conversation like this would sound like with Gabriel in Castiel’s place. The thought made Castiel smile.

"Do you want to tell me what you’re thinking about right now?" Dr. Robert asked then and Castiel realized the doctor must have caught him smiling. Damnit, without his pills he had a much harder time assuming a persona, assuming neutrality.

"Not really." He mumbled and refused to fiddle with the hem of his scrubs like his fingers wanted to.

Dr. Robert hummed thoughtfully and lifted a folder to open it in his lap. "In group therapy today you told Dr. Garrison that Mr. Winchester is, and I quote, _the reason for everything_." He closed the folder again and regarded Castiel while Castiel regarded the wall. " What is Mr. Winchester to you?"

"Everything." Castiel whispered after a long while spent in silence. Castiel thought of Dean’s green eyes and easy smile and he felt warm and safe, even in this sterile office. "солнце." He mumbled and Dr. Robert harrumphed.

"In English, if you please."

Castiel blushed despite himself and cleared his throat. "Dean brightens my life." He said, still in a mumble but more audible and saw in the corner of his eye that Dr. Robert was nodding.

"Mr. Winchester paid for your stay here and he has claimed to be your spouse, do you feel like he is your savior? Do you think you owe him your life?"

Castiel was staring at a spot on the wallpaper, thinking about the first time he met Dean. "I saved him first." He said, more to himself than the doctor.

"So he is merely repaying you?"

"We’re saving each other." Castiel turned to Dr. Robert with fierce eyes. "I love him, Dr. Robert, make no mistake. I know I am beneath him but I will stay with him for as long as he allows it. I need him, and he needs me."

Dr. Robert held Castiel’s gaze for a long time, an unreadable expression on his stoic face and Castiel was just starting to feel nervous about it when the doctor turned away, hiding a small smile by reaching for his calendar.

"We will schedule regular therapy sessions, just you and me, Mr. Novak." He said and was still hiding his face by ducking his head while he flipped through his calendar. Castiel stared confusedly at him. "Please start talking in group therapy more, I urge you, and I promise you that if you can start being as honest as you have been with me today I will have no problem giving you free access to the gardens soon."

"Really?" Castiel asked, completely surprised by this wonderful turn of events. He didn't know what he had done right but if the reward was unsupervised fresh air then he would gladly try to repeat it.

"Really." Dr. Robert smiled and sent Castiel off with a note to leave for the doctor’s assistant regarding the scheduling for their sessions.

Castiel felt light that whole evening and only regretted having called Dean before his talk with Dr. Robert because that meant he would have to wait until the next day to call his boyfriend and tell him the good news.

But somehow the wait made it even better and Castiel snuggled up under his blankets that night, for the first time feeling like he could do this.

  
  


*****

  
  


It was only 18 days into Cas’ stay at the Omega that Dr. Robert told Dean at one of their many consultations that while the doctor believed Cas was making remarkable progress considering his vast dependency he also believed that 28 days wouldn’t be enough. So Dean had taken a loan, just to cover the additional $4800 and he had paid the Omega rehab first chance he got.

Mary hadn’t liked that he went to the bank instead of them but Dean had felt good about it, had felt that he did this not only for Cas but himself. Had had to promise Mary to come to them if the payment plan didn’t work out for him, though. But Dean was confident and while his pay wasn’t overly great he had realized since his break-up with Lisa that much of his money had gone to her. Without her around he suddenly found himself with a lot more cash in the wallet by the end of the month and that felt good.

Plus, Bobby had for some reason seen it fit to raise Dean’s pay. Not very much, not that it was noticeable to everyone else, but Dean sure got a shock when he saw his paycheck. He had just showed it to Bobby, mutely asking and Bobby had just shrugged and shuffled off, muttering about _ungrateful idjits_. Dean had bought him a bottle of the fine whisky and Bobby had slapped him on the back, a.k.a. as close to a hug Dean would get from the grumpy old man. He didn’t know what Bobby knew other than what Dean had told him and he honestly didn’t want to know but he was glad for the support nonetheless.

Either way, Dean was happy that Cas was making progress and every time that he came to visit — which was every Saturday but unfortunately no Wednesdays, mostly because he didn’t want to ask Bobby for any more favors right now — Cas looked a little better, a little healthier. He was always waiting for Dean in the visiting area and he always smiled his special smile when Dean walked through the door after the disturbingly thorough search for harmful substances.

Dr. Robert had noted this as well and saw fit to tell Dean during one of the many phone calls Dean made, just to be sure Cas was alright.

"I feel a need to tell you." Dr. Robert said one evening 20 days into Cas’ stay. "Mr. Novak’s violent outbursts that we witnessed the first week had me worried about his mental state but it hasn’t happened since that first week, and for that I am glad."

"Really?" Dean asked, already fully aware because he had asked Cas and believed him. Felt good to get it confirmed, though, because Cas hadn’t been keen to talk about that and Dean hadn’t pressured him.

"Indeed." Dr. Robert agreed. "He has had many phone calls from friends of his and they seem to be helping almost as much as your constant presence. I find myself glad that he has so much support outside of us." Yeah, Dean felt a little smug about that and of course Cas had asked him how Balthazar had gotten the phone number but he had just laughed it off because Cas had seemed happy about it and not irritated like Dean had feared he would be. Dean was relieved.

"That’s good." Dean said with a smile and Dr. Robert hummed in agreement.

"It is. Mr. Winchester, I was just rereading the report on Mr. Novak’s behavior on the Saturday after his arrival and I would like to read you a passage."

"Okay." Dean said and felt a little uncomfortable, to be honest. Was this even allowed? And did he want to know what had happened at a time where Cas had no control? "Shoot."

"Mr. Novak had a couple of violent episodes during his first few days but none of them as severe as the first Saturday but since it was so close to his admittance here we didn’t really pay much attention to it, it’s not uncommon for patients to react desperately when they realize what they’re in for. But I realize now that this is something you need to hear." He paused and Dean could hear him shuffling papers around.

"How much did he damage himself?" Dean asked lowly. "I saw him the week after and it looked mostly like his knuckles and arms were hurt, did he punch someone?"

"Not quite." Dr. Robert said and Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "He punched his fists through not only one, but two windows, severely slashing himself before the orderlies could stop him."

"Oh, God." Dean groaned and rested his forehead in his hand. "It didn’t look so bad, I didn’t think…"

"You must not blame yourself." Dr. Robert said then, as if he could read Dean’s mind. "Mr. Novak is a highly intelligent person and I firmly believe he would never normally resort to violence."

"Yeah." Dean said shakily. "You’re right."

"Now," Dr. Robert cleared his throat. "This is from the orderlies’ report, _Patient reacted violently when informed that his spouse would not be visiting today. He inflicted self-harm and yelled, quote, I just want to talk to Dean. You can’t keep me from my phone call. I promised I wouldn’t leave Dean, I just need to talk to him, end quote._ , how do you feel about this, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean was beet red in the face and incredibly relieved that this conversation was taking place over the phone so the doctor couldn’t see him shaking.

"Are you going to tell me Cas and I can’t be together?" he asked and it came out much more accusingly than he had intended.

"Quite the contrary, Mr. Winchester." Dr. Robert said in his clinically stoic tone. "I firmly believe that your presence is vital for Mr. Novak’s recovery, I am merely asking to confirm that you would be willing to provide him with the support he obviously craves from you."

Dean sighed in relief. "I am." He said firmly. "I need Cas in my life just as much as he needs me." Yeah, still felt pretty damn awkward saying that out loud and especially to someone he didn’t know but there you go. Emotional progress for Dean Winchester, motherfuckers.

Dr. Robert hummed thoughtfully. "In another scenario I could be persuaded to call your relationship dangerously codependent, make no mistake, but in this case I do believe that battling Mr. Novak’s drug addiction has to come before everything else."

Dean smacked his lips. "I’ll take your words to heart, doc." He said, a little too dryly. "Maybe a marriage counsellor later, right?"

"I couldn’t say, Mr. Winchester, I am merely here for your boyfriend’s problem with drugs."

"Gotcha." Dean muttered and still felt the burn of his embarrassment.

"I do however believe it is notable that most patients scream and cry for their addictive substances, Mr. Winchester." Dr. Robert said in a suddenly much softer tone. "Mr. Novak cries for you, take _that_ to heart, if you please."

Dean’s heart felt too big for his chest at that moment. "I will." He whispered and heard the doctor collect his papers again. Fuck, he felt like he couldn’t breathe, just thinking of Cas alone in that fucking hospital bed, crying and thrashing without someone to hold him. God, he would live there with Cas if he could.

"I suppose I will see you on Saturday?" Dr. Robert asked then and Dean had to swallow before he answered.

"Yeah."

"Have a nice week, Mr. Winchester."

"Yeah. You too."

He sat for a long moment and stared at the phone. Fuck, he wanted to talk to Cas _right now_ and he wanted to see him so badly it felt like his body was on fire. But Omega allowed calls for the patients only between 2 and 3 p.m. on weekdays and it was well over four by now. He would have to wait for tomorrow to call and all the way to Saturday to see his boyfriend.

The conversation with the doctor had made him feel both worse and better about his decision to force Cas into the treatment and even though he was sad that Cas was sad he couldn’t help but feel ridiculously happy that even the doctor thought it noteworthy that Cas missed Dean perhaps even more than his drugs. Or maybe Cas missed his drugs and felt like only Dean’s presence would take his mind off it, like he had in the weeks before, replacing the pills with sex. Either way Dean couldn’t contain his fluttering heart.

Three days after that phone call, Dean found himself walking into the visitation area for the fourth time since Cas’ arrival at Omega. Cas was, as always, waiting for Dean and was practically bouncing.

"Dean!" he yelled and waved furiously as if Dean hadn’t already seen him.

"Hey gorgeous." Dean said as he walked up and pulled Cas into a tight embrace. "You look as good in those scrubs as always." He kissed Cas gently, close mouth as not to disturb any of the onlookers. Man, the room was really packed today. He heard a woman coo at their display but he ignored her.

"Hello, Dean." Cas said almost shyly and Dean thought not for the first time about the confident hooker that had seduced him and how different Cas actually was. "I have a surprise today."

"Yeah?" Dean asked and smiled at Cas. He was happy that Cas seemed happy, almost giddy, because Cas had been upset when Dean first told him that he would have to stay for another 28 days after his initial period was up. And once again it had been about the money he didn’t think was worth spending on him. Dean had yet to tell him he had had to take a loan to pay for the additional stay, didn’t want to pressure Cas into recovery just because of the money issue. He hoped he would have worked most of the payments off by the time Cas came out anyway.

"I’ve been good, I’ve been talking in therapy and Dr. Robert has _finally_ agreed to let me out in the garden, unattended."

" Really?" Dean beamed at his obviously ecstatic boyfriend. It wasn’t that the patients weren’t allowed out in the actually very pretty gardens, it was just that they were always accompanied by orderlies. And Cas had taken an almost ridiculous interest in the bees during his stay here and the orderlies weren’t very keen to indulge him so he didn’t get to spend as much time as he wanted watching them. Dean knew this because he had spent a lot of time trying to convince the doctors to just let Cas out there unattended like he knew they did with some of the other patients.

Dr. Robert had patiently explained that as long as Cas remained uncooperative during therapy he had a too hard time to asses Cas to let him out of sight. It had taken a lot of convincing from Dean and Balthazar to get Cas to open up to the strangers. He would barely do it in group therapy but he had eventually started talking to Dr. Robert and it had obviously paid off.

"Yeah." Cas smiled his crow’s feet smile. "Come on, I want to show you the flowers."

And the bees, Dean suspected but he said nothing. Just smiled and let Cas tug him along. Man, times were tough at home without Cas to brighten Dean’s day and it was honestly very scary seeing Cas in here, surrounded by lunatics, but it was so good to see the man that Dean could do nothing but feel elated. Cas looked good, better each time Dean came by, and he smelled so good that Dean remembered every time he was here just how much he missed waking up beside the man. Fuck, how much he missed Cas in his bed, period. And hey, Dean was a healthy young man, he couldn’t be blamed for his libido, right? Just kind of wished his dick would calm the fuck down and not get all perky and expectant every time he went to see Cas. Yes, his jerk offs at home were horribly unfulfilling nowadays and yes, they were better on Saturdays _just because_ he had seen and touched Cas but that was no excuse for him to get so bodily exited right now.

" I see your boo finally came."

They stopped when a young girl appeared before them and Cas squeezed Dean’s hand as he smiled down at her. "Sure did." He said and turned to Dean. "Dean, this is Kate, she joined us this Monday."

She looked to be no older than perhaps seventeen and Dean didn’t even want to know what had happened in her life for her to end up here.

"Hi, I’m Dean." He said pleasantly and extended a hand for the blonde to shake.

"I gathered." She said and smiled back. "You know, Castiel can’t stop talking about you." She smirked when Cas rolled his eyes and Dean shuffled by his side. "I think it’s cute."

"Yes, well, thank you Kate." Cas said and promptly pulled Dean away from the conversation. Kate tittered behind them and Dean couldn’t help grinning like an idiot.

"So I’m your boo?"

"Well, aren’t you?" Cas said as he flashed a card to an orderly who apparently had the obviously exciting duty of monitoring the access to the garden. The man gave the card a quick look and then pushed a button that made the door to the garden buzz open.

"I guess I am." Dean agreed cheerily and followed a happily bouncing Cas outside. The garden was big and with both a wide lawn and several clusters of trees. Benches were placed in a seemingly random pattern along the graveled paths and Dean saw some tables that people were sitting and playing chess at.

 _How wonderfully cliché_ , he thought and remembered the scene at the end of the third _X-men_ movie where Magneto could almost move that chess piece. He wondered absentmindedly if Cas had seen those movies.

" Dean." Cas said as they came closer to one of the clusters and further away from the tables and chess players. "Are you uncomfortable with me talking about you to other people?"

"What?" Dean asked in surprise and took the moment to pull Cas in for a quick kiss. "Why would I be?"

Cas looked away and fisted Dean’s tee. "I just thought that… Well, you weren’t exactly _out_ when we met and…"

Dean kissed him on his forehead and it made Cas stop his uncharacteristic rambling. "It’s okay, babe." He mumbled with his lips against Cas’ skin. "Anything to make you feel better." He hadn’t said anything about Dr. Robert’s phone call this Wednesday and planned on not doing it if Cas didn’t bring up the events of his first Saturday here. "I actually feel honored, you enjoying bragging about your awesome boyfriend."

Cas chuckled and God, Dean’s whole being had missed that sound. "Well, you _are_ awesome, paying for this."

Dean hummed and hugged Cas closer, trapping the man’s hands between them. "Let’s not talk about that, show me your bees."

Cas pulled out and smiled widely, his eyes sparkling. "They’re over here."

They walked for a while into the shade of the trees and emerged in a little clearing where a lot of meadow flowers were growing. It looked like the gardener had either forgotten about this place or decided to just fuck it and let it grow like it wanted. Dean supposed visitors weren’t supposed to be back here anyway, were probably only supposed to sit at the chess tables in the sun.

"It’s beautiful, Cas." Dean said quietly as they stood side by side and watched Cas’ bees bumble about from one flower to the other.

Cas laced their fingers together and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. "Thank you, Dean." He mumbled and Dean was pretty sure he wasn’t thanking him for the compliment but he didn’t say anything. Just stood there and reveled in Cas’ presence and held his hand firmly as the bees worked around them.

  
  


*****

  
  


Two weeks later Dean was starting to get desperate. He whined pitifully where he lay with his face smashed into Cas’ pillow, three fingers deep in his ass and the panties Cas had bought him wrapped around his dick as he stripped it furiously. Fuck, the visit at Omega today had nearly been Dean’s doom.

It had been fucking brutal, to be honest. On the one hand Cas looked so much better that Dean had been relived and on the other hand he had look so fucking _good_ while still being so goddamn out of bounds that Dean couldn’t take it anymore.

It had been almost 40 days since Cas had touched him and Dean didn't want to be selfish — he really didn’t! — but he couldn’t fucking help it. He so wanted Cas to get better and come home all cured and whatnot but what he craved in this moment was Cas’ touches.

Cas’ smooth and firm hands on his body, Cas’ breath against his ear, Cas’ rock-hard dick inside Dean’s greedy hole. God, just thinking about it had his ass clenching around his fingers as his other hand sped up.

"Cas." He gasped and inhaled what little of Cas’ scent remained on the pillow. "Need you, God, _Cas_ …"

Jerking off wasn’t enough anymore. Coming left him feeling empty and yet he needed to touch himself almost at every possible moment. Couldn’t even take a fucking shower without sporting a semi.

"Please, fucking please." He groaned as he felt the pull of his orgasm. He thought of how the sun had caught in Cas’ eyes today and how that had made them sparkle. He thought about Cas’ smile when Dean walked into the visitation area and he thought of Cas’ hand in his.

A wrecked sob forced its way out of him when he came hard in the panties and there was relief there, for all of ten seconds. His ass fluttered around his fingers when he removed them and he whined again, not feeling satisfied in the least, just felt empty and even more aroused.

He lay in bed for a long while and let the come dry without caring because who the fuck was he fooling? The pillow had lost all of Cas’ scent by now and the bed was cold and lonely.

He sat at the Roadhouse later that night, nursing a beer and feeling morose. People were having fun all around him and more than one woman had been eying him, his traitorous dick informed him. But fuck them; he didn’t want their useless touches. If anything he thought they would just make him feel as empty as his own hand did, accompanied by the guilt of cheating on Cas. No, he didn’t need mindless sex, he needed his boyfriend.

Jo suddenly slammed a new beer down in front of him and successfully scared him into a light heart attack, thank you very much.

"What’s got your panties in a bunch?" she asked cheerily and Dean had to fight that revealing blush from creeping up his cheeks. "Not having a good time?"

Dean eyed her cheery face and was once again very glad that he had patched things up with her after he so rudely threw her out of his apartment. God, that felt a lifetime ago. So yeah, they had made up and she had been over a couple of times with Sam and Jess. And Dean had been relieved that it looked like she had gotten over her suspicions because he would really like for her and Cas to get along. Still, he had yet to tell her about Cas’ drug problems and she hadn’t asked about Cas the last few times she’d been over in the last month.

"I miss Cas." He muttered and downed the last of his beer to accept the new one.

"So where’s he at? He left you already, Winchester?" she grinned at him even though it didn’t sound like a joke and Dean thought not for the first time about what Cas had said about her.

"He’s at drug rehab." Dean deadpanned and watched with self-satisfaction how her mocking composure slipped away.

"What? For real?"

"Yeah." Dean said and aimed to sound casual. He took a swig of his beer just to solidify the illusion and thought it worked.

"I’m sorry." She mumbled with big eyes and Dean nodded, deciding that he could just as well keep going. He would later blame it on the beer but at the moment it felt like a splendid idea.

"Yeah, I’m sorry I haven’t said anything but it’s not something you brag about, is it?" he took another swig. "Remember you thought he was hiding something? I mean, he was, but my family knows now so it’s only fair I tell you, too. Just don’t go blabbing about it."

"And when I came and accused him? You knew then?" she mumbled.

"I knew."

"That was why you got so upset with me, wasn’t it?" she asked and leaned down on the bar to be able to speak in a lower tone even with the music pumping loudly.

"It was." Dean nodded and thought he should feel bad about not telling her the entire truth but only Sam knew everything and he wanted to leave it at that. "He lived with me and I tried to help him but I wasn’t enough. So now he’s at rehab."

"So it’s like Florence Nightingale?" she asked with a suddenly smirk and it was his turn to frown at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean." She straightened with a laugh. "You were nursing him back to health and he fell in love with you."

Dean thought about how that was so not true but smiled nonetheless. At the image, if nothing else.

"It wasn’t like that." He mumbled but his smile sold him out, apparently.

"God, Dean." She laughed. "You have an affinity for attracting lost puppies."

"Yeah?" Dean asked and rose to slap some bills on the bar for the beer. "Might be so but let me tell you this," he smirked at her raised eyebrows. "Cas is anything but lost, he’s fighting like a goddamn champ and if anyone’s lost right now it’s me. Fuck, Jo, you have no idea how hard it is without him at home." He shook his head and she placed a hand over his on the bar.

"I’m sure it’s going to be fine." She stated in a voice so low that he almost didn’t catch it over the music.

He nodded and gave her a genuine smile. "Thank you, Jo." He said and walked out of there not much later, actually feeling better.

Jo might have been suspicious of Cas at first but she was a true friend of Dean’s and Dean felt that with the help of his friends and family he would be able to get through these last weeks without Cas. Dr. Robert had after all been confident that Cas would be able to leave them after his second period was up. So yeah, Dean felt better about this after his heart-to-heart with Jo, however short it had been.

Too fucking bad his dick didn’t get that memo, though.

  
  


*****

  
  


It was on Dean’s seventh visit, sixth with Cas awake, that Dean finally cracked. They were sitting on the bench the furthest from the building and closest to the trees. It wasn’t secluded but it was enough by itself that they could talk comfortably and Cas was sitting too fucking close, smelling too good, talking about his bees and Dean couldn’t contain himself. He _had to_ lean in and kiss Cas.

Cas stopped talking and made a happy noise, eagerly pushing back but Dean immediately recognized the fact that Cas was still thinking about their surroundings. Fuck, Dean needed more.

"Cas." He all but moaned and felt how Cas breathe in sharply. Yeah, he knew what he sounded like. "Babe, I-I…" he gasped when Cas put a hand on his thigh.

Fuck, Dean had been hard since yesterday. Had had to take a half-day and go home to just fucking jerk off and okay, he had come and all but it _wasn’t enough_.

" Dean." Cas said and fucking yes, his tone had dropped several octaves. Dean hadn’t heard him sound like that since the last time they’d had sex and God, if Dean had known that would be the last time in so fucking long he would have taken his time. Just thinking about those panties made him rock hard. Like now, for instance. "What do you want?"

"Shit, Cas, I-I want you." Dean put his arm around Cas’ shoulders and pulled him in against him. It would probably look like a normal hug to anyone watching from afar but it so wasn’t. "I’m so happy for you and I’m so proud that you’re getting through this and I don’t mean to be selfish but fuck, I _need_ so much."

" Dean." Cas said again, his voice all gravelly and wavy. He leaned in and pressed his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. Again, a completely innocent gesture but holy hell, Cas was _sniffing_ him. " Every time you come here I have to restrain myself and every time you leave I have to jack off."

"Oh God." Dean groaned and sunk down lower on the bench, spreading his legs and really appreciating that the bench was faced away from the building. "Cas, it’s been too long."

"You tell me." Cas growled right in Dean’s ear. "I’m stuck here with only my hand and orderlies checking in on me, at _all times_. I can’t even take a dump without them knocking on the door if it takes too long, how do you think me jerking off is working out with those conditions?"

Dean fucking mewled at that. At the thought of Cas hastily stripping his fat dick, desperate for release. "I’m sorry." He pressed out and outright gasped when Cas pressed the heel of his hand against Dean’s quickly hardening dick.

"You should be." Cas breathed against Dean’s ear and yeah, this was getting dangerously close to none-cuddling and almost more like out-in-the-fucking-open-sex. Dean didn’t object. "Coming here, tempting me like this, whatever should I do with you?"

"Fuck me." Dean moaned lowly and was rewarded with Cas squeezing his dick. He fucking loved how Cas was calm and almost demure in their everyday life and then just turned around and became all domineering in bed. Fuck, Dean had missed his alternatingly adorable and fucking hot boyfriend. His body had probably missed him even more. "I need you inside me, Cas." He turned his head and Cas leaned in so that their lips met when Dean continued talking. "I feel empty without you, I need you in me. Fucking please."

Cas growled again and rubbed his hand in slow circles over Dean’s painful erection. "I would love nothing more, Dean." He said heatedly and Dean’s heart leapt into his throat. "But where? I’m not allowed to take you to my room and there’s no privacy elsewhere, and not enough time." He kissed Dean quickly before he withdrew his hand and rested his forehead against Dean’s. Dean whined low-pitched and felt Cas shudder. He knew Cas was right, of course, and was even more turned on by how calmly Cas handled the situation.

"I’m sorry." He said again and held his eyes downcast as Cas cupped his face. "I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry I can’t contain myself. But I…" he bit his lower lip and felt how Cas’ harsh breath ghosted over his face. "I really feel empty without you. The apartment’s too big and the bed too cold."

"Dean." Cas said and sounded somewhere between pained and overwhelmed. "I miss you too, more than I can express. And I promise I’m being good, I’ll be home soon."

And that was true, Dean thought, because Dr. Robert had said the same. He had been awfully impressed with Cas’ recovery but had cautioned Dean that while the worst seemed to be over there was still a long way to go and with Cas out of the rehab center there would be much more temptations for him. Dean understood this and was prepared to take full responsibility, if only Cas would come home.

"I know, Cas." Dean said and nuzzled his forehead against Cas’. "You’re doing so good babe, even the doctors are impressed." Called it an almost supernaturally divine recovery, to be precise, but Dean wasn’t religious and didn’t think Cas was either so he kept that to himself.

"And Dean," Cas added in his dangerously low tone that made Dean very aware of the fact that his erection hadn’t flagged. "As for that hole to fill, do you remember the day I asked you to come home in your coverall?"

As if Dean could ever forget. He had kept those clothes at home and gotten his spare to wear at work nowadays and Cas had asked him to wear those clothes more than once during those three weeks of his sex-crazed drug fighting. Dean didn’t understand the appeal but he loved Cas’ reactions so he wore them nonetheless.

"Yeah." He said and put his hands on Cas’ thighs when Cas turned more bodily to him.

"Do you remember the butt plug I used to prepare myself?" fuck, Cas’ voice was all smoke and sex right now and Dean was quivering uncontrollably.

"I do." He all but whispered because how the fuck could he not remember? Cas hadn’t used that plug where Dean could see since that time but he had been open and ready for Dean on a number of occasions when Dean got back from work so he supposed Cas used it. He wanted to watch and he wanted to try the plug but he hadn’t had the courage to ask.

"It’s in my box under the bed in the spare room." Cas murmured, his voice blanketing Dean’s mind. "You should use it. Fill yourself up. Use it and think of me, Dean."

Dean’s hips jerked and his dick leaked at the thought. "_Fuck._" He breathed shakily and Cas’ hands slipped down to fist the tee on Dean’s shoulders.

" God you’re beautiful when you’re flushed like this, Dean." He praised in his gravelly voice and Dean couldn’t help it. He fucking keened at that and pressed his thumbs against the insides of Cas’ thighs.

"Cas, I can’t take it."

"What is it, love?" Cas cooed and kissed the top of Dean’s head when Dean bowed it down to stare at his crotch. "Need to let it out? Be a good boy and come for me?"

" _Shit._" Dean groaned desperately when he felt how his dick jumped at Cas’ words. Fuck, Cas needed Dean’s help to take care of himself but Dean needed Cas to take care of him just as much. It was like his body wasn’t his own anymore. His dick leaked even more and he was shaking with the fucking _want_.

" Come on." Cas suddenly growled and jumped to his feet, dragging a dazed Dean up with him. "We can’t be away long enough for me to fuck you but I can make you come."

"Wha—?" he asked intelligently and quickly tried to adjust his dick as he stumbled after Cas into the cluster of trees.

"Here." Cas said as he shoved Dean up against one of the trees that lined the clearing which was home to Cas’ bees. "No one comes here and everyone will assume we came to look at the flowers as usual." He pressed close and Dean’s mind stopped working when he felt the insistent push of Cas’ hard dick against his own.

" _Yes._" He hissed and grabbed Cas’ hips as they started shamelessly rutting against one another.

" So beautiful, Dean." Cas was gasping and Dean fucking loved how Cas could stay in control like this. Only wished he could voice his appreciation in other ways than moaning like a wanton slut. Cas didn’t seem to object, though. He just leaned in and kissed Dean possessively.

Dean spread his legs wider to accept Cas closer and oh God, it made their dicks line up almost painfully perfect.

"Gonna, gonna…" it was all he could manage but Cas — wonderful, perfect Cas — somehow knew and he stepped back to spin Dean around.

"Not in your pants, big boy." He growled and Dean wanted to tell him that his tone wasn’t helping but he couldn’t. Could only hold his breath in the wake of his impending orgasm as Cas groped around his crotch to open his jeans.

Dean had to bite his knuckles not to scream when Cas _finally_ wrapped his slender fingers around Dean’s rock-hard dick. Cas breathed harshly against Dean’s sweaty neck and Dean could feel him hard and thick, pressing against Dean’s ass. It only took a handful of expert strokes before Cas had Dean coming hard all over the tree trunk. He shook and groaned through his orgasm and totally whimpered pitifully when Cas pulled back.

He had one hand against the trunk to steady himself as he tucked away his dick and turned to Cas to watch the man lick his hand clean, his pupils blown.

"Fuck, Cas, that was awesome." He said and wasn’t the least surprised to hear his voice had gone all hoarse. That was the best fucking orgasm he had had since Cas left and it was just from a sloppy hand-job. Fuck.

Cas smiled wickedly. "Thank you, I enjoyed myself quite a bit." He smirked when Dean licked his lips and looked down at the obvious tent in Cas’ pants.

"What about you?" he asked without tearing his eyes away.

"It’s okay, Dean." Cas said steadily but Dean could see him shaking minutely, almost as if gravitating towards Dean.

"It’s not." Dean stated heatedly and promptly dropped to his knees on the soft grass.

"Dean." Cas said warningly and Dean couldn’t comprehend why that would be. No one was going to see them, right? Yes, they didn’t have time or supplies for a proper fuck but surely they had time for this?

"Let me take care of you, baby." Dean murmured in his hoarse voice and proceeded with yanking Cas’ pants down. They were the drawstring kind and Dean had never been more appreciative of that than now. He put one hand around the base of Cas’ fat dick and grabbed a handful of Cas’ deliciously rounded ass with the other.

Cas was shaking in his hands and he almost jackknifed when Dean put his mouth to the heated skin where Cas’ thigh met his pelvis.

"D-Dean, stop, I—ah!" he put his hands in Dean’s hair but he didn’t push Dean off. Just fisted his hair and shuddered. "_Dean._" He groaned deeply and pressed Dean’s face closer as his dick erupted in thick spurts a mere half-inch from Dean’s cheek

" Fuck." Dean breathed against Cas’ skin and strained his eyes to see without turning his head. Cas’ dick was jumping in Dean’s hold and he came so forcefully that almost all of it shot over Dean’s shoulder to land in the grass behind him.

Cas stood for a long moment, just shaking and panting roughly and Dean felt so goddamn smug he could have died then and there and been content with his life.

"I’m sorry, Dean." Cas eventually said and released his death-grip on Dean to step back and look down with eyes still pretty blown.

"I’m not." Dean grinned like the Cheshire cat. "I fucking made _you_ lose control, I rock."

Cas blinked at him and then outright laughed. God, the sound was beautiful and Dean couldn’t resist getting to his feet to kiss Cas chastely.

"You do." Cas agreed and reached up to wipe something from Dean’s shoulder. He held his thumb out for Dean to see it was a small blob of Cas’ come. Fuck, Dean’s mouth suddenly felt too dry. He stared at Cas’ thumb as if transfixed. "Sorry about that." Cas smiled. "I managed to miss most of you, though."

"I don’t mind." Dean said breathlessly, unable to tear his eyes away.

Cas made a thoughtful hum and put his thumb and finger together, smearing the spunk out so that a thin string connected his digits when he pulled them apart.

"You know, Omega made me take every test available to see what kind of medication they could and could not use."

Dean’s eyes shot to Cas’. "Yeah?" he asked in a very intimate tone because Cas couldn’t be implying what Dean thought he was, could he?

Cas turned his thumb up. "Yeah." He said with a smirk. "And apparently I have a guardian angel because guess what?"

"What?" yeah, Dean was totally breathless now because holy shit, Cas _was_ implying what he was thinking.

Cas leaned in and dragged his lips against Dean’s jawline even as he dragged his slick thumb along Dean’s bottom lip. "I’m clean." He whispered and fucking hell, Dean’s eyes rolled up into his head when his tongue darted out and he tasted the tangy flavor of Cas’ come for the first time.

He eagerly sucked the digit into his mouth even as Cas stepped closer to slot himself against Dean’s body. Dean gripped Cas’ hips desperately.

"Come home, baby." He moaned around Cas’ thumb and Cas breathed harshly against Dean’s cheek.

"Soon, возлюбленный. Soon."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> солнце = the sun  
> возлюбленный = sweetie/boyfriend
> 
>  
> 
> I just want to say that the next chapter is going to be the last chapter, not because it necessarily has to be but because I feel like this could go on forever and ever and ever and I just need to call it quits sometime :) 
> 
> Personally I feel like there is so much to write about these two but when I passed the 100K limit I kind of balked a little because yeesh… 
> 
> Anyway, I want to really thank everyone who has supported this crazy ride. To everyone that has read, commented, given kudos, or ever clicked on this monster I say thank you! And a special thank you to all of you who has shared every up and down with me, I hope you know that this fic wouldn’t have lived to see past the first few chapters if it weren’t for you. So thank you!
> 
> Now, the next chapter will be up shortly and even though it’s the last for now I hope you’ll be as happy with the end results as I was.  
> Love to you all! :D


	16. Swallow my fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love all you lovelies!

  
  


The day that Dean picked up Cas at Omega Drug and Alcohol rehab was hands down the best day of Dean’s life. It surpassed even the day John had given Dean the Impala and if that wasn’t proof enough Dean’s stupid grin surely was. He just couldn’t stop.

He was waiting by the receptionist desk while Cas talked to the doctors and gathered his thing or what the fuck else he was doing that was taking too fucking long. God, Dean just wanted to hold his boyfriend again.

When Cas came out and spotted Dean he made such a happy squeal that Dean could do nothing but blush and grin wider as the receptionist politely tried to hide her laughter behind her hand.

Cas bounded over to Dean and Dean met him halfway with an embrace tight enough that it probably looked like they hadn’t seen each other for a year.

"I’m done." Cas announced proudly and Dean kissed him gently.

"You’ve been so good, baby."

Dr. Robert suddenly materialized behind Cas and scared the crap out of Dean by harrumphing. "Well," the doctor said with a small grin of his own. "Remember that it’s not all over, you have a very big responsibility as well, Mr. Winchester."

"I know." Dean said and tried to sound serious because this was serious as hell but he couldn’t stop smiling with Cas clinging to his side like an adorable six foot leech. "I’ve been listening, don’t worry."

Dr. Robert nodded and Dean was glad that he didn’t say anything else. While Dean hadn’t been lazing around and had actually been to several consultations with Dr. Robert about aftercare, some even accompanied by Sam, he was glad that Dr. Robert hadn’t said anything to Cas. For one he thought it was unimportant that Cas really knew since the man had a tendency to see himself as a burden and secondly, he wanted to tell Cas on his own, _if_ he felt he needed to.

For the moment he was just happy that Mary and Sam had talked him into agreeing to Dr. Robert’s suggestion and that he had listened well enough that he actually thought he would be able to be of help. He hoped it would never come to it but if the situation got as dire as it had been before they got here he believed he could handle more on his own. And he now he even had his whole family’s support. Cas still didn’t know all of that, though, and Dean had urged them to let him tell his boyfriend in their own time — especially about the money, if he ever would tell him. Mary and Sam had nodded sympathetically and John had just grunted and kept reading his paper so Dean felt good about this.

"Well, Castiel." Dr. Robert said and extended a hand for Cas to shake which he did firmly. "I wish you good luck and please do not hesitate to call our consultation line any time you feel the need."

"I will." Cas smiled his crow’s feet smile and it looked better than ever. "And I’ll come visit as well, I promised Kate and Ash."

"You are welcome here anytime." Dr. Robert smiled as well. "As long as it’s between 10 and 4 p.m., Wednesdays and Saturdays."

"Absolutely." Cas said with a grin and Dr. Robert nodded again before he left them. Dean was so ready to just bolt but Cas dutifully turned to the receptionist and signed a paper on a clipboard that she had put on the desk. "You need to sign here too, Dean." Cas said and turned with the pen in his hand. "Since you were the one paying."

Dean walked up to him and saw that it was release forms, a receipt and legal document that signed off any further responsibility for Cas’ welfare from the Omega rehab. He accepted the pen and scrawled his lopsided autograph beside Cas’ neat one on every line.

"Thank you, Mr. Winchester." The receptionist said when Dean handed her the clipboard.

"No," he said and snaked an arm around Cas’ waist. "Thank _you_."

They walked out hand in hand and Dean carried the little bag Cas had with him. God, he just wanted to touch Cas and even letting go of him to open the door and jog around to the driver side was almost too much.

Apparently Cas thought so too because he put his hand on Dean’s thigh as soon as Dean had slunk in and tossed the bag in the backseat.

"I’ve missed this car."

Dean chuckled and couldn’t resist revving the engine a little more than strictly necessary. "I’m glad you like her, if my babies didn’t get along I wouldn’t know what to do."

"Like her?" Cas ran his hand affectionately along the dashboard. "I love her. It represents you. I spent so much time looking up and down that goddamn street, hoping to catch a glimpse of her." He turned to Dean and scooted closer on the seat. "I like to think it’s because of her that we met."

Dean turned his head and kissed Cas quickly. "Maybe it is." He agreed and thought about the first times he had spent with Cas up at West Meadow. He thought of them fondly but didn’t miss that time, not now when he had Cas pressed up by his right side, humming along with Led Zeppelin. "So, have you thought about my suggestion?"

Cas stopped humming and picked at the seam on Dean’s jeans. "You mean about working at your friend’s garage?"

"Yeah." Dean had asked Bobby as soon as he had understood that Cas would be getting out soon and Bobby had agreed, for minimum wage of course but that was hardly the issue here.

"Do you think I could do it?"

"I think you can do anything you want, baby." Dean said firmly and felt how Cas pressed closer in a semi-hug.

"I would love to work for your friend, then. But…" he cut himself off and when Dean looked over he saw that Cas was chewing at his bottom lips nervously. It probably shouldn’t make Dean’s dick perk up but it fucking did, alright?

"But?" he prompted and Cas turned his wonderful eyes up at Dean.

"What I really would like to do is go to business school. Or anything that could make me qualify to start my own business."

Dean’s eyes rounded out in surprise. "Really? What do you wanna do?"

"I’m not sure." Cas admitted and put his head on Dean’s shoulder. "A restaurant maybe. Balthazar and Gabe thought I was joking when I told them but what if I could do it? What if I could take them all away from Crowley and have them work for me instead?"

God, Dean’s heart swelled with pride to the point of hurting. Even when he was struggling Cas was thinking of his friends.

"I think that’s an awesome idea, Cas." He stated heatedly and felt how Cas smiled and buried his face against Dean’s shoulder. "And you know what? I bet Sam has some friends at college that could help you. You just…" he cleared his throat, unsure if this was the right moment to broach the subject. "You should work for Bobby until you’ve gotten your citizenship, though. I’ve looked into how to get one so we should fix that as soon as we can, _if_ you want. And then we could get Sam to help you look into what you need to even apply to business school."

" I would love that, thank you Dean." Cas mumbled against Dean and yeah, Dean was definitely starting to get too hot. Could be that he was relieved about Cas accepting his suggestions but who the fuck was he kidding? It had been too long since he’d had Cas close like this and that was the fucking truth.

He cleared his throat again. "So anyway, what do you want to do right now? Your first day as a free man."

Cas laughed. "You make it sound like I just got out of prison."

"Well, feels like it." Dean all but grumbled and Cas kissed him on the shoulder. Okay, Dean needed to calm the fuck down right now. It was embarrassing how his blood started rushing at the mere touch of Cas’ lips but there you go. "And just so you know, I told everyone else you’re getting home tomorrow so I could have you all to myself today."

Cas smiled and Dean breathed a mental sigh of relief. Hadn’t been so sure Cas would appreciate Dean hogging him but as he looked at his boyfriend’s trusting face he realized that he was stupid for thinking like that.

"Is that so?" Cas asked and Dean grinned.

"Yeah, mom wanted to throw a dinner party and there’s not stopping her so brace yourself for that tomorrow."

"I look forward to it." Cas grinned back, squeezing Dean’s thigh. Not really helping with the situation in Dean’s pants but it was nice all the same.

"So have at me, what do you wanna do first?"

Cas sat up straighter while he thought and Dean rolled down his window to let some air waft through the car. It was much too warm to cool him down but it was nice all the same.

"I’m not sure." Cas said after a while. "Call Balthazar? Eat ice cream? Go to the beach?" he turned to look directly at Dean and Dean’s breath hitched when he caught a glimpse of Cas’ suddenly very dilated pupils, what the…? "Fuck you senseless?"

"Jesus Christ." Dean pressed out and shit, all his blood went south so fast it fucking hurt. "Not while I’m driving, Cas."

"No." Cas agreed amiably and pressed impossibly closer. "We would have to stop, no doubt, but when we do," he put a _very_ warm hand on Dean’s much too interested dick. " I want you to tell me what you want me to do to you. What have you been fantasizing about while I was away?" he pressed the heel of his hand against Dean’s dick and Dean groaned deeply, every forbidden fantasy flowing before his eyes.

"Cas." He gasped and gripped the steering wheel so tightly the leather creaked. "Driving."

"Yes, you are." Cas said in a decidedly unimpressed tone. "But tell me, Dean, tell me what you want me to do. Or maybe what you want to do to me?" he leaned in and breathed hotly against Dean’s ear and that was fucking it.

The car swiveled as Dean made a sharp turn just as they were passing the Home Depot. He parked the Impala crookedly and Cas turned his attention to their surroundings before actually bending over Dean to look down at the ground.

"You’re barely inside the lines." He commented amusedly and Dean breathed harshly before he promptly pulled Cas over to straddle his lap. Cas looked awfully smug but Dean kissed him all the same.

"It’s good enough." Dean growled and Cas arched his back so that he ground down on Dean’s dick. Fuck, the friction was divine.

"Dean, so perfect for me." Cas mumbled against Dean’s lips and continued to grind himself down and Dean fucking let him, despite of where they were. "Tell me, Dean, tell me what you want. I want to give anything and everything to you."

"Fuck, Cas, I-I want you." Dean gripped Cas’ hips roughly and bucked up hard. "I want you to fucking tie me up in bed and sit on my chest while you fuck my mouth. I want you to come all over me and I want you to lick it up."

God, it had been the most prominent fantasy of his since he had first tasted Cas’ spunk and if the sound Cas made was anything to go by the man approved.

"Dean, Dean." Cas chanted and rolled harder against Dean’s dick while he clutched Dean to him. "Get us home, I will give it to you, my beautiful man, I’ll give everything to you."

"Fucking hell." Dean groaned and very barely managed to push Cas off. Shit, he was so close already and if Cas’ debauched look was anything to go by he wasn’t far off either. "Stay on that side so I don’t crash." He said with a wavy smile that Cas answered with the most lecherous grin he had ever seen.

God, Dean loved this man and he knew they had a long road of hardships ahead of them and they would probably disagree and argue like any other couple but just thinking of the fucking make-up sex made Dean certain they could handle it. Yes, let life throw lemons at Dean, with Cas by his side he would gladly swallow them whole.

It took all about two minutes before Cas sneaked back but it was only to lace their fingers together and he let their joined hands rest on the seat between. Dean glanced down and felt his heart flutter in that familiar way it did when Cas was around.

He thought about how his life had been before, how much it had changed over the last months and how it could shape up to be in the future. It was scary to think about but with Cas’ calming presence nothing seemed like a big deal anymore, felt like he could take on the goddamn apocalypse if he fucking had to.

He squeezed Cas’ hand and Cas squeezed back just like he always would. For forever.

  
  


*****

  
  


Castiel’s back muscles rippled as he pushed himself slowly inside Dean’s greedy mouth. Dean moaned unabashedly around him and Castiel felt his breath being robbed of him every time Dean snaked his sinful tongue around his hard cock.

Fuck, he could barely think with Dean making these sounds, looking like this. He thanked his lucky star he was clean so they could have this. He felt like he was drowning and the only thing saving him was Dean’s plump lips around his heated dick.

"Feels so good, Dean." Castiel groaned as he fisted the hair on top of Dean’s head to hold him steady and started really fucking the man’s face. God, Dean was always too beautiful to be true but this… this surpassed any of that.

Dean had saved him, that was the fucking truest thing of Castiel’s whole miserable life. He had given Castiel everything and yet here he was, giving even more. Letting Castiel do this and actually loving it, it gave Castiel such pleasure he couldn’t breathe right and could never repay Dean.

The trust that shone out of Dean’s eyes was only surpassed by the lust and Castiel had to physically force himself not to just start ramming his cock down Dean’s throat. He wanted to, fuck how he wanted, but he didn’t want to hurt Dean and he definitely didn’t want this to be over too soon because that was a very real reality.

Dean’s wet mouth was sloppily and steadily drawing Castiel’s orgasm out of him and just the thought of what Dean’s handsome face would look like covered in Castiel’s release had him groaning desperately.

Dean answered with a whine and Castiel could feel him bucking his hips, humping the air in his own desperation. Oh God, Dean liked this enough for him to be painfully hard without Castiel even having touched his dick.

Castiel glanced over his shoulder where he was sat across Dean’s chest. Dean was sprawled out on their bed, hands tied to the headboard with two of his own ties, his dick hard and flushed as it rested heavily against his hip. His legs were shaking with the need to fuck something and Castiel grinned wickedly when he saw how much precome had already gathered beneath Dean’s dick. It twitched and jumped every time Castiel pushed in.

God, he couldn’t believe this beautiful man was his. Couldn’t believe he got to have this for the rest of his life. Part of him was still scared Dean would tire of him but the other part was too busy cramming his cock down Dean’s throat to care much about anything else.

"You close, возлюбленный?" he asked, knowing Dean somehow got off on him speaking Russian even though the man clearly couldn’t understand him. He took a mental note to teach Dean, at least some of the most important words.

Dean whined again and Castiel relented. He pulled out and sat back, resting the head of his dick just shy of Dean’s wonderfully kiss-swollen lips.

"Cas." Dean gasped and his voice was so rough that Castiel just had to stroke his dick for a moment. "I-I can’t hold it."

"Sure you can." Castiel cooed with a smile. Fuck, he couldn’t stop his hand but he needed to if he didn’t want to come right the fuck now. "I’m almost there, you gonna be a good boy and swallow me before you come?"

"Cas." Dean whined and arched his back, nearly throwing Castiel off.

Castiel saw more precome leak out when he looked over his shoulder and he couldn’t help grinning even as his own hand sped up. "You look so fucking hot, Dean." He murmured. "I lose all control when I’m with you."

"C-Cas, it’s… Oh fuck."

Castiel’s eyes gleamed almost feverishly as he watched Dean’s dick rising and more precome dribbling out.

"Yes, Dean." He answered in a rasp even as he pressed the head of his dick back against Dean’s lips. "You gonna come? My big man gonna come for me?"

Dean greedily sucked Castiel’s dick down and Castiel couldn’t fucking take it any longer, he gripped Dean’s hair again and pressed in deeper. Dean made a low, keening sound and swallowed around the head when it was forced deep down.

Castiel kept his eyes on Dean’s dick as it bounced against the man’s stomach but he didn’t touch it. Just watched with heavily lidded eyes as Dean tried desperately not to come while he sucked Castiel off. Fuck, it was hands down the hottest thing Castiel had ever seen and his only regret was that they weren’t videotaping this.

He tapped Dean’s chin when he felt the pull get unbearable. "Gonna shoot." He warned but Dean whined pitifully when he pulled back so he decided to just stay inside. "You gonna swallow it for me? Be good and—"

Dean cut him off with a loud moan and Castiel watched, enthralled, as Dean’s dick jumped and released several hot, thick spurts behind him. Most of it hit Dean’s stomach but more than a few splashed against Castiel’s back and buttocks and _fuck_!

Castiel came with a hoarse scream as he felt Dean’s come trickle down his back and into his crack. He held Dean’s limp head still and emptied himself deep inside Dean’s greedy mouth. Dean tried to swallow but it was a lot and it was his first time so he spluttered and a little dribbled down his chin. God, that was so fucking hot Castiel felt his dick jumping and forcing a weak spurt out even after he thought he was finished.

"Jesus _Christ_." Castiel groaned and stayed inside Dean’s mouth far longer than was probably comfortable for the other man but it was just such a snug feeling in there. Dean kept licking and sucking gently even as Castiel’s dick softened and Castiel caught himself petting Dean’s hair.

" You taste good." Dean commented with a crooked smile when Castiel eventually pulled out and reached up to untie his hands.

"I’m glad." He mumbled with a smile of his own and as soon as Dean had his hands free he pulled Castiel into a tight embrace. "Hey," Castiel laughed and hugged Dean back as the man kissed him on his neck. "We have to go shower, we’re all sticky because someone couldn’t contain themselves."

"Your fault." Dean mumbled against Castiel’s pulse. "You’re too fucking hot."

"You’re weird." Castiel said, still laughing.

"Takes one to know one." Dean countered sleepily and Castiel thought that maybe that was true.

"Я тебя люблю." He mumbled against Dean’s soft hair and let Dean tangle their legs together.

"I love you too." Dean said in a shy voice, his face pressed against Castiel’s chest, and Castiel’s heart felt too big. Felt like it would explode any second.

And felt like that would be okay because Dean would save him, now and always.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> возлюбленный = sweetie/boyfriend  
> Я тебя люблю = I love you
> 
> Thank you for all your kind comments! You guys mean the world to me!


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